Friend gave me her rubbish. AIBU to feel so hurt by this?

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I've been struggling more for money the last few months. I am not broke but I have to really watch what I spend and budget.

A friend bought round some unwanted supplies as she knew I am short this month. I was really touched by her kindness at first but was then a bit shocked to find that all the food was out of date, opened or manky. She has very high standards on food so I'm amazed she could have found most of it acceptable.

The bread was mouldy, some of the jars were opened or way past their use by date, the vegetables were way past their best. From the two large bags of supplies she gave me only 2 items were not put straight in the bin after she left.

I feel really upset and let down by her. I can't believe she didn't notice it was all rubbish except for two obscure food items that I'll probably never use.

AIBU to want to end the friendship over this? It feels like I'm overreacting but I just feel so hurt she gave me two bags of rubbish and I thanked her so much.

I am in absolute shock at this.... unbelievable. I was convinced that your ‘friend’ would say she had done a clear out while bagging up a few bits for you and gave you the wrong bag. But this?? Mind boggling.

She’s not your friend OP. I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy. I actually don’t know anyone who would do that to anyone else. That’s not normal behaviour.

The friend wanting to borrow money again is more her friend than mine. I'm not a bank and she makes stupid financial decisions. I have offered her food before but won't give her money.

It’s not just about the jam then. The nasty fuck is just looking for reasons not to like you. She sounds extremely petty and nasty.

It sounds like you both judge each other’s lives too much for a healthy friendship.

It sounds like you both grate on each other a bit and you're probably right to cool off the friendship. I'd probably apologise for going OTT about the jam but let her know that you were hurt about this. Then I'd cool things off with her. It's good you admit you were OTT about the jam but I can't imagine you did anything worthy of your friend ruminating on it for months then getting this kind of petty revenge.

She’s extremely strange in a creepy way - the broiling anger about the jam comment, the planned insult...going through all her stuff, choosing the worst and most gross things, no doubt taking her time to collect together all the worst bits...

She’s got a screw loose. Avoid at all costs.

I see her 2-3 times per week! But good advice, thanks.

I'm not great with friendships. I like people to be direct with me and tell me if I've upset them. I don't always pick up on everything going on around me.

Spending my money on my activity means I have less to spend doing other things. If I really want to do something then I will budget and manage to do it or arrange to fit it in. I've felt resentment that I'm not choosing to spend money doing stuff with my friends - yet one is in debt and maybe can't afford it. I don't want to spend all my time with them either.

I will now have more money to spare because I won't be spending it on drinks etc with her anymore. I'm not that impressed with our mutual friend and won't miss her company much. I'm not sure I handled that brilliantly either - I think she is most likely to not take my side.

YANBU
I cut ties with a school mum who I previously had gotten on well with as she said during harvest festival she had donated "the out of date shit" from her cupboard, because in her view, food bank users "will eat what they get given and like it if they can't buy their own food". I was speechless at the sheer scumminess of her saying that out loud, and told her so. She defended herself by saying if they wanted in date food they could stop being slobs and buy their own produce.
Awful thing to do, OP don't give her thinking space, just hope she doesn't end up struggling herself.

To be honest after reading your updates, it doesn't sound like this is a healthy friendship. It sounds as if you judge each others lifestyle too much. The fact that you admit I don't think I've been perfectly well behaved either sounds as if there's lots of incidents with you both behaving poorly.

Im glad you've decided to cool the relationship - I'm sure you will both benefit.

It's a really unpleasant joke....designed to humiliate .
It's just NOT funny. ...
A)made you look stupid by giving her profuse thanks
B. )That you then had to dispose of grim items.
C. Just takes the piss out if the fact you're struggling. ...

She is NOT your friend

She’s extremely strange in a creepy way - the broiling anger about the jam comment, the planned insult...going through all her stuff, choosing the worst and most gross things, no doubt taking her time to collect together all the worst bits

Yuck! I never even thought of that. She must have been piling up that crap for days/weeks. Bloody freak!

OP, stop blaming yourself. So what if you were a bit heavy about the jam. That was a single incident that she stewed on for months and actually planned revenge over. Normal people don’t do that.

That's awful of your friend I was going to suggest maybe she was struggling herself but wanted to do something, I remember being mortified one harvest festival dd taking her one tin of coconut milk as it was the only tin I could spare (it was in date though!) I'm glad I read all your posts before I did! What a horrible person to play a joke pretending to help Someone who is struggling.

To all those saying they use their opened out of date stuff and are fine with it - no problem if it's what you want to do, but that's quite different from giving it to someone else who doesn't know how long it's been open for. You're used to your own germs but somebody else could get quite ill. Surely you grasp the distinction?

OP about the jam, I remember Mrs. May made headlines for admitting she scraped mould off jam and carried on using what was underneath - first, as a PP said, jam is full of sugar and therefore benefits from its preservative effect and doesn't need to be thrown out for ages; and secondly, just because it's fine to use doesn't mean it should be given to anybody else with all the mould still on it. What decent person does that? At least check first that the recipient won't mind, apologise if you must, anything to show you don't actually believe the person is so hard up that they will be grateful to be given spoiled food!

OP you are definitely NBU! Passive aggression is the worst.

I can't imagine profusely thanking someone being all happy and grateful then discovering they'd played a trick on me. She's a cunt and a weird one at that.

Last post from me is a bit unclear. I've been unhappy with our mutual friend for a while over the pressure put on me to lend her money.

I have been really judgemental. I see that now because I've been reviewing what's been said and done since the jam incident - where I went on a bit about throwing money away - it was an £8 jar at the most.

I've actually just deleted some my comments because I don't want your judgements on them and am ashamed at what I said. I see now where I went wrong. I overreacted about the jam. I was rude.

I've been in debt before and don't ever want to be in that situation again. They seem to be constantly overspending then expecting others to save them.

They think I'm tight and obsessed with money but I'm not the one asking to borrow it every other week. I don't like borrowing off each other all the time.

The relationship isn't healthy.

But it's no big deal to comment on throwing expensive jam away- it's not a heinous crime. Nor is it unreasonable to not want people cadging money off you. You don't deserve the cruelty your friend has just shown you.

I think most people would feel frustrated being asked to lend money to someone who acts frivolously. I suspect the resentment comes from them knowing you are right. Don’t lend any more money. You know who these people are now, so you know to be careful of them in the future.

For goodness sake OP! Will you stop beating yourself up over the jam! It was nowhere near as bad as what she did. She’s an asshole.

Maybe she was clearing out her cupboards using two carrier bags; one bag for you and one bag for things to go in the bin, but she confused the bags before she came to your house?

OP, what you said was possibly a bit tactless, but not rude. What she has done is thoroughly nasty. You are being far too nice about the whole thing. Stop making excuses for her. She's an utter bitch.

And I suspect that she and the other fake friend only want you to stop your hobby so they can tap you up for more cash. They will know you have spare then, won't they?

Friends don't ask other friends for cash.

Sorry the thread had only partially loaded (and I didn't realise) before I wrote my message.

No. It was a 'joke'!

I'm still not laughing.

Maybe she was clearing out her cupboards using two carrier bags; one bag for you and one bag for things to go in the bin, but she confused the bags before she came to your house?

Not read the OP's updates have you?

It wasn't a joke. It was a dig.

I’d take the bag of festering rotten shit and empty it onto her lawn.

Op I'd own what you did wrong. Text her and apologise for what you did, and explain that whilst what she did really wasn't funny, but you see she was just escalating what's been going on and you want to just draw Al ine under it. The put whatever distance you can