DD13 wants to dye her hair black

[sunnysunchild]

She is pale and has light/medium brown hair with lovely golden bits. Its long and wavy/curly .
I say no she can't dye it, it's too permanent and will look terrible.. there is no way around this. Black is Black!!
She thinks I am being v unreasonable.

DH says it's up to her and if it looks terrible then it's her problem.

When I was her age I used mahogany Shaders/Toners lol remember them?

springwalk everything you spouted just sounds like phsycobabble self expression and a little bit pushing of boundry is a perfectly normal part of teendom nothing at all to be worried about. Not all girls are bright and sunny some are dark and brooding and have black hair nothing wrong with it it is not a descent into self harm

@Springwalk

I didn’t say dying hair is self harming. Please don’t take my post out of context.

Sorry but you did say that. You said if a young teen wants to dye her hair, it's an act of self harm and self sabotage.

Your post from 19.40 on the previous page said......

'It is not really about what is worse though is it? It is not a race to the bottom. I would be concerned if I were op that it is some kind of self sabotage, almost an act of self harm.'

'What is happening inside to make her want to make such drastic changes? My first thoughts would be is she being bullied? Is she feeling low? It is pretty drastic at 13 to want to dye your hair.'

Not sure why you're denying it, when it's there in black and white Loads of posters responded to it too, because it IS a bit OTT to say that.

They said it could be part of a bigger picture did they not ? It isn't alwaysthe case they also said they would be concerned if their own child wanted black hair,

Well i replied to your replying mabelsgarden sorry

God don’t let her dye her hair black, or at least don’t use a permanent dye/go to a professional.

I used to dye my hair black as a teenager (wanted to be like Nicole Sherzinger) it didn’t suit me at all and by the time I figured it out, I’d used so much dye it took months of bleach, hundreds of pounds and nearly 4 inches of hair being cut off to sort it out.

Seasoned black dyer here...

Black hair dye is just one step away from a tattoo is it's permanence. You either grow it out or murder your hair having it stripped. There's no easy-out with black. She needs to understand that.

I went black at 15 but my natural colour is dark. I'm a Celt so dark hair and pale skin is fine. If I was you (assuming your daughter is not embracing Goth) I'd compromise and say "ok, but we go darker in stages". Then, if it terrifies her or she hates it, it's much easier to have fixed.

You'll never find a reputable hairdresser who'll take her from the colour she is now straight to black so your choice is hairdresser and massive expense taking it down over months or a box in the bathroom. Tbh at 13 you're in charge. Mine are all in to hair colour and my only stipulation for two of them is no black because they're not naturally dark enough for it not to be a huge change. We've currently got blue, pink and purple and they're so much easier to change.

However, let me assure you that as a pierced, tattooed, black dyed, privately educated former Goth I have never had casual sex in my life!

@Mrsjayy

Yeah I think that poster did say there must be underlying issues for a girl to want to dye her hair! I can't imagine what, other than wanting to experiment.

At 14, I pierced my own ears (Already had pierced ears but gave myself a second piercing with ice cubes and a darning needle!) I also bleached my hair, then put blue food colouring in. I also made a chain for around my neck out of safety pins. (In case you haven't guessed; I wanted to look like a punk!)

I had no problems, or underlying issues; I was just a teenager, and a bit rebellious, and was just experimenting.

Hated the bleached blonde by 16 and dyed it dark brown. Hated that so much within a few weeks, that I went to the hairdressers and had it cut short. Hated that, but could do fuck-all about it! When it grew I dyed it blonde again, but not too light...

Still dye it blonde now..... My natural colour is a horrible dingy mousy colour and I look MUCH better blonde!

DD(natural blonde) dyed her hair black when she was around 14. She looked like death warmed up. Eventually it faded and grew out.

I don't consider thirteen to be a rebellious stage. It is an uncertain, hormonal often very awkward age for most girls. We are not talking about 14 upwards here. Some posters regularly keep referring to their experiences but they were must older mabel. A year is a long time at this age in terms of development and maturity.

If you haven't the emotional intelligence coffee to understand that there are sometimes underlying reasons why children makes decisions like this, then there is not much more I can say. Sometimes there is much more to it than simply experimentation. A very confident 13 year old girl this may be correct, but a shy awkward one, I would have one or two questions before blithely allowing her to wreck her hair with chemicals.

On these types of thread there seems to be precious little respect for the bodies of children. I really don't understand it. Your body does always need to be used for messages of expression, sometimes its what comes out of your mouth that has a bigger impact.

does not always

My dd did this (with encouragement of a friend who was jealous of her hair I personally think!) and it looked awful. She still has the photo of her with that hair on her passport as a permanent reminder. Still bite my lip on that every time...but she soon changed it back.

Do they not have wash out sprays anymore? Like in the 90s? I loved those for crazy blue or pink.

One of my DDs is still dyeing her hair bloody awful colours and she's now 20. Drives me mad. I wouldn't let her until she was 15 but once she got the bug we've had everything from blonde to black with red, pink and purple in between. She's a stunning girl with naturally thick, chestnut wavy hair. At the moment she has blonde on top and some godawful purple shade halfway down. I'm just living for the day she has her lightbulb moment
Other DD has never touched her hair and it's her crowning glory as my Nan wouldve said. She looks like a flipping shampoo commercial. Chalk n cheese my girls!

Let her.

I used to go mainly red, one time strawberry blonde, and what turned out to be my favourite though I only did it once was black cherry.

Years since I dyed my hair, but I'm thinking of going purple now.

She could use the pots of La Riche Directions. They wash out (and they're very good in terms of hair condition and colouring).

HOWEVER, she must not, under any circumstances, use a permanent colour over the top. A lot of vegetable based dyes (definitely the blues and blacks, as they contain blue, never mind Henna of all kinds) contain compounds that, when mixed with those in a permanent colourant, start an exothermic reaction. The hair melts.

I've had black (blue, red, purple, white blonde, turquoise....) hair. When I was considering a different colour at the salon for a change, the hairdresser offered to do a strand test for me - he phoned the next day and said I needed to see this. I watched a second strand of hair melt.

To use the pots, get at least two (they're cheaper from shops that specialise in Ethnic beauty products rather than online or from your friendly neighbourhood Alt. Shop). Get some very dark towels (it will wash out, but why worry about it. She needs to wear a black t-shirt (as if that's going to be difficult for her). And gloves. Lots of gloves.

Put it in from the under side/back of the neck first and work it in well. Some people use a carrier bag to protect the house from any drips. Leave it in, then rinse and rinse and rinse and rinse and rinse.

The splashes all over the bath will come off easily. Any in dryish grouting will come out with bleach.

She'll probably need a dark pillowcase and it will come out with every wash. But it won't hurt her hair.

I adore baby Goths. They are just the cutest.

(There will also be dark red/black/blue/purple lipstick, lots of black eyeliner, assorted bracelets, shoes, most likely stripey socks and silver jewellery. But check what they're actually calling themselves. Nothing irritates a Baby Goth more than being told they're a Goth or Emo or Alt Rock or Greaser or whatever you have said if they're actually a Scene Girl/whatever it is called now. but I still call them Baby Goths in my head)

Buy her a couple of blocks of Caca Noir Henna from Lush. That way she can dye it black gradually over a couple of days/ weeks and it's 100% natural so won't damage her hair at all.

My own dd13 used the brown one on her red hair at the weekend and it's different enough that she feels happy with it but not so different that it's a huge shock for me. And I feel reassured that she's actually improving the condition of her rather than worsening it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say black is too permanent, as others have said, it is far more than other dyes. I've often heard it said the only way to really get rid of all of black dye is with clippers. My kids all have the haircuts they want, including my daughters who both have very short back and sides cuts and, during the holidays, the fun spray or chalk hair colouring, are something I might consider, but I've told mine that, with all the skin problems in this family and just the fact I do not want to deal with it, anything more than that can wait until they're old enough to pay to have it done professionally.

Even with that, I don't think dyeing "propels them into a more adult world". My hair was bleached and dyed at 4 as were many other girls I grew up with - and yes it looked awful, the few photos are heartbreaking, and even nearly two decades after my mother stopped doing so to me, my scalp has a lot of issues - but we weren't propelled into a more adult world. It was just a ridiculous cultural fashion just like ear piercing on babies. Teen fashions, silly and otherwise, doesn't automatically put them into an adult world just because many adults dye their hair or do other similar fashion choices. My hair was last dyed as a child and a teen and I haven't done it at all as an adult. There may be underlying motives to look at, some people including kids do try to marr their appearance, but a kid wanting to dye their hair without any other concerns is probably more likely to do so for fashion reasons.

It's her hair, let her do it. I dyed my hair black at this age and I still dye it black now.

Not really the point but why all the harsh judgments on black hair? Its black, not bright blue! And fwiw i have got naturally black hair, that i was born with but i'm not a goth Seems bizarre so many people are making a big deal out of that particular colour, even going as far to question whether the school would allow?! Its black, technically a "neutral" hair colour.

Anyways, as for your AIBU. YABU and you are massively over reacting. I say let her experiment but compromise but telling her she has to start with a temporary dye first.

Ah.... Directions hair colour, that takes me back!
I had long blonde hair & had great fun with Directions - all different colours - the bathroom grouting was a sight for sore eyes... And it ALWAYS washed out in the end & my hair returned to normal.
Let her try Directions for a bit then she can she if it looks good & decide whether she wants to go semi-permanent.

If you haven't the emotional intelligence coffee to understand that there are sometimes underlying reasons why children makes decisions like this, then there is not much more I can say.

Of course, I am lacking emotional intelligence because YOU likened hair dye at 13 to self harm!

Excellent comment.

I don't think I asked my mum if I could dye my hair, Just did it at 12/13 and have done ever since. All colours under the sun including black (looked dead).

DD2 is 13 and had blue tips over Easter, they're still washing out but you can see them if you know where to look. She's naturally light brown/red/blonde.

I'd say go ahead, maybe a wash in/out colour first. It's only hair.

Another vote for directions colours here

directionshaircolour.co.uk/colour

I am currently sporting their turquiose, and my 12yo DD will be having some rainbow streaks for the 6wk hols

Bonus is, Head and Shoulders pulls the colour out quicker if its time for a change, they can be picked up pretty cheap (£10 for 3 in a shop near me) and are a great way to experiment

As a youngster, I tried so many different colours, blacks, browns, reds - then I discovered Crazy Colours and Directions and with an occasional lightening (i like them bright) I can chop and change every few weeks!

If it stains the bath/shower/sink - a quick squirt of household bleach pulls the colour right out (of the bathroom obvs!)

For some schools and activities, it's against policy for students to use any hair dye, others it's against to have any drastic hair dye (so highlights would be fine but not a big change), others are fine as long as it's a natural colour, and others don't have any policy on hair dye at all. Some also have policies on hair cuts, nail polish, and similar temporary changes and it varies so widely that it's often worthwhile to check and it's really not a stretch to question how schools and activities will react to it.