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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD13 wants to dye her hair black

174 replies

sunnysunchild · 12/05/2019 13:10

She is pale and has light/medium brown hair with lovely golden bits. Its long and wavy/curly .
I say no she can't dye it, it's too permanent and will look terrible.. there is no way around this. Black is Black!!
She thinks I am being v unreasonable.

DH says it's up to her and if it looks terrible then it's her problem.

When I was her age I used mahogany Shaders/Toners lol remember them? Grin

OP posts:
anothernotherone · 12/05/2019 13:27

Is she prone to very dramatic emotional reactions as some people are during puberty?

The only reason I'd say absolutely no is if I knew that she'd be very upset, and continue to be for weeks to the point of attempting to school refuse in order not to be seen, if she didn't like it, because it willwill take a while to get rid of.With some teens the fall out might be excessive.

I'd definitely let my 13 nearly 14 year old DD use any wash out dye and have taken her to have her hair coloured a purply red at the hairdresser, but she paid - she has an allowance and a condition of that is paying for her own hair appointments.

I've so far strongly discouraged her from having her hair bleached due to the fact it's as permanent as anything you do to hair can be and damaging. My DD has quite dark hair and wants to play with vivid temporary colours but they generally don't show on glossy dark hair. I suppose that's similar to your dilemma. So far DD agreed with me when I said it's too drastic, and the chemicals too strong. I've always said complete free reign at 16, but a lot of freedom stopping at the point where strong chemicals are involved, as a younger teen.

Bobcut · 12/05/2019 13:28

Even if she had the most angelic, most beautiful hair in the whole world and people fell to their knees at the sight of such beauty...it’s still her hair and part of her body - it’s not yours, and she’s old enough

That’s just ridiculous, it’s always been her body since she was a baby. That doesn’t meant her mother can’t guide her teach her or have some rules!

dontpointatme · 12/05/2019 13:29

Tattoos, piercings and casual sex??? How do they go in the same category as hair dye Confused

anothernotherone · 12/05/2019 13:30

sunnysunchild your 13:27 response is ridiculous - tattoos are illegal at 13 and tattoos and piercings are permanent and casual sex illegal at 13 and high risk. Those things are utterly and completely irrelevant to hair dye questions!

Perhaps it's not your teen whose dramatic emotional reactions are the problem!

PinkieTuscadero · 12/05/2019 13:30

13 is old enough? Wow
Do you have that attitude with tattoos and piercings and casual sex as well?!

OP, you sound like the 13 year old here to be honest. Bless your little heart if you equate hair dye with tattoos and casual sex.

Hopefully for your daughter your DH is a bit more level-headed.

MotherOfDragons90 · 12/05/2019 13:30

I wish wish wish my mum had stopped me from dying my naturally dark blonde hair first red then dark brown/black. It looked awful on me and faded out every wash anyway til it looked even worse.

It almost killed my hair getting it back to my natural colour as an adult and it doesn’t really grow past shoulder length anymore. I wish I’d never messed about with it.

Could you say you will let her dye it in a years time if she still wants to? that’s what I tell myself about tattoos - if I really want it I will still want it this time next year. If I change my mind in a few weeks/months then in a years a time I’d be glad I didn’t do it.

Lilymossflower · 12/05/2019 13:31

Let her do it, with a semi- permanant.

As a hair dresser I would recommend Directions semi permanent hair dye.

Its basically conditioner with coloured pigments that just sit on the outside if the hair strands and dong go into the hair.

So if she dousnt like it, of will wash out in just a few washes.

Original poster
sunnysunchild · 12/05/2019 13:33

Ok I was a bit nutty with my last reply... but I'm just wondering how far you take it with the her body, her hair, her life attitude.
Shes 13 not 16.

OP posts:
WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 12/05/2019 13:33

She went to a friend's to dye it black and it pains me to say it looks good and she's managed to apply i t evenly although the second attempt at home she got it on the bath, wall and towel therefore there is no more home dying!

Grin

That took me right back reading this . When I was about 15 I decided I wanted dyed black hair as its my natural colour (this was my reasoning and I was born with lots of jet black hair), Actual real colour once it fell out and returned had been a chestnut brown . I dyed it , with black dye , in Mum and Dads newly decorated, lot of white tiles bathroom and yep . .. you can guess the rest . She called into the bathroom "Are you ok in there?" and I said "I am, but I won't be" She was not a happy DM for a bit .

Lilymossflower · 12/05/2019 13:33

Though I would agree to say 'you can do it in x amount of months if you still want too'
Black is the most drastic after all.

Or suggest a different shade - less drastic then black but still makes her feel different

Bowserlovesmojitos · 12/05/2019 13:34

Any option to get a cheap black wig in similar style for her to see what it's like?

Afraid it is a bit of a rite of passage to have bad dye jobs with experimenting as a teen though Grin

Worth seeing if she'll go chocolate brown first to ease in? Easier to work the colour with paler skin.

PregnantSea · 12/05/2019 13:34

YABU. Who cares if her hair looks terrible? She's a teenager, she's probably going to want to do all sorts of things that look terrible. There will be clothes you don't like, music you can't stand, make up that looks ridiculous. It's all part of the fun, just leave her to it and step in for the stuff that's permanent (tattoos etc).

Besides, if it looks as terrible as you say it will then maybe she won't like it either and it will teach her something about her colouring/what suits her. Nothing wrong with young people making a few bad hair choices. It grows back.

Yabbers · 12/05/2019 13:35

Take her to the hairdressers to get a professional opinion.

On what? Whether the hairdresser likes the goth teenage look?

BlueJava · 12/05/2019 13:37

When one of my DS was 13 he wanted to dye his hair orange. I said he could as long as it was at the start of the summer holidays (as he is not allowed in school with orange hair). I even did it for him after doing a patch test.

HBStowe · 12/05/2019 13:38

Hair is a perfect place for her to start understanding her own bodily autonomy, because there’s only so much damage she can do, and it will grow back.

Obviously ludicrous to suggest that letting her have control over her own hair is akin to condoning risky sex.

Sparklesocks · 12/05/2019 13:39

It’s not anything new, teens have been experimenting with their hair with dyes/haircuts for generations. Think about punk haircuts in the 70s.

I think it’s ok to let her do it, it’s only hair - you can dye it back or cut it. It’s not the same ballpark at all as tattoos and piercings. It’s quite a gentle of way of a teen exploring their image and look that isn’t irreversible.

NannyRed · 12/05/2019 13:39

Meh! I bleached my naturally beautiful, dark red hair the most horrendous shade of ‘hamster’
it’s what teens do, it’s never permanent with hair, let her look stupid if it makes her happy.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/05/2019 13:40

I’m so old that at her age I used Inecto Hint of a Tint. 😄. Copper as I recall. It used to turn my mum’s towels red. She wasn’t amused.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 12/05/2019 13:41

My hair is still dyed black now . I do have an olive skin tone and dark brown eyes though . I draw on black brow pencil as my own brows are far lighter .

floraloctopus · 12/05/2019 13:42

Compromise and say she can try it in the summer holidays?

Sparklesocks · 12/05/2019 13:42

I had a disaster with dodgy blonde highlights when i was 14, they looked awful but it’s all par for the course I think - having bad hair at one point feels like a bit of a teen rite of passage!! But it was fine, mum took me to boots, we got some brown hair dye and all was fine.

Jemima232 · 12/05/2019 13:42

When my DD was fourteen she dyed her hair red, then dark blonde.

Her natural colour is brown. I thought both looked nice on her and when she got fed up of the whole hair-dyeing thing, she let her own colour grow back in.

When she was much older she went for a pinkish purple, which I didn't like. Now, she's back to dark brown.

But pick your battles, OP. Most girls like to do this and if you let them, they are more likely to listen if you give advice about something really important.

FluffyTabbycat · 12/05/2019 13:43

Let her, I dyed mine black when I was 14 , I'm 30 now and still dye it black.
I suit it more than my natural colour strangely. She may love it. If not it's not end of the world.

Missingstreetlife · 12/05/2019 13:44

Can you find someone who did it to talk to her? Find some app or device which will let her see how it would look.
It won't be black unless permanent, needs professional. Who is paying? The roots look terrible, worse than dark roots on blonde and need regular touch up. If/when she changes her mind it has to grow out or be bleached, expensive and ruins your hair. Who is paying?
Make her wait a little while, or do semi permanent dark brown as trial run.

Funnyface1 · 12/05/2019 13:45

I wouldn't let her ruin her hair at 13. I'd still consider it my responsibility to stop her making mistakes at that age.