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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD13 wants to dye her hair black

174 replies

sunnysunchild · 12/05/2019 13:10

She is pale and has light/medium brown hair with lovely golden bits. Its long and wavy/curly .
I say no she can't dye it, it's too permanent and will look terrible.. there is no way around this. Black is Black!!
She thinks I am being v unreasonable.

DH says it's up to her and if it looks terrible then it's her problem.

When I was her age I used mahogany Shaders/Toners lol remember them? Grin

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 12/05/2019 14:01

Box dyes can contain very harsh chemicals, the colour is often very 'flat' and unnatural, and black is especially hard and unflattering. (We've all seen people with terrible home dye jobs)
I'd take her to the hairdresser for advice, they know all about box dyes and which might be worth trying. And what might suit her best.
And I think I'd try to get her to wait till she's 14 or do. 13 seems a bit young to me, I wonder if she's trying to look older? It won't work!

RickyGold · 12/05/2019 14:01

I did it at a slightly older age than your dd, took 2 days and a fortune at the hairdressers to go back blonde. My dm hated it and didn't talk to me for a week, don't be that dm, she has since died and that huffing is one of my strongest memories of her

Chattycatty · 12/05/2019 14:02

It's a teenage thing. My dd dyed hers from about that age and has had pretty much every colour known to man since.

Mrsjayy · 12/05/2019 14:03

Its a rite of passage that teens have that dyelook of flat hair Grin

WhatOnPlanetEarth · 12/05/2019 14:06

I started dying my hair at 13
I’ve never had my natural hair since

There’s only one thing I would change back then!

The one thing I would suggest is a hairdresser - it’s a slippery slope when you start experimenting and she’s gonna have a shit load of damage if she’s not educating herself on hair care. A hairdresser can make sure she gets a shade that suits her too.

Don’t buy a random “semi permanent” off the shelf. These are designed to lift the hair less than a permanent so that some of the colour washes out but they will still stain - especially with a black!

Bobcut · 12/05/2019 14:08

I said I would say ok in my previous reply but because u already have let her have black nail varnish to school

I wouldn’t personally let my dd because I would rather she wasn’t into all these superficial things at that age, bt she is private school educated where tend to be more into sports etc that’s what I’m hoping anyway. And that’s why I sent her there so studying is important to her unlike when I was at school and dying hair and eyeliner took off focus

quizqueen · 12/05/2019 14:12

Tell her she can do it when she's 16. Take her to a wig shop and buy her one for her 14th birthday.You are in charge at the moment

HennyPennyHorror · 12/05/2019 14:14

My DD is 14 and has had her hair black, blonde, pink, purple and blue.

She now realises that since I won't pay for it to be done by a pro, it almost always looks shit.

I can't say I've not missed her own lovely natural hair....but it's HER hair and her school are fine with coloured hair. (Australia...no uniform...just a ban on sports clothes and name brands visible)

We enjoy her experimenting to be honest.

labyrinth · 12/05/2019 14:15

I remember my mum not being keen on letting my dye my hair all the colours of the rainbow that I wanted when I was 13. She instead bought me some food colouring and let me have a bash with that. Washed straight out and didn't ruin my natural hair. I eventually found that I liked a pinky/red shade and we matched it up with some semi permanent dye that she allowed me to use as she knew i didn't look daft. Maybe worth grabbing some black food colouring and letting her see what it would look like? It may not be as bad as you think?

Acis · 12/05/2019 14:16

Loving the idea that dying your hair equates to casual underage sex.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/05/2019 14:18

I will go against the flow here and say that I think 13 is too young. Black dye has the highest risk of allergic reaction, as her hair is fair it will need the roots redone regularly too. At 15 we played around with Shaders and Toners, and a henna colour that came in a pot and was like a thick creme conditioner. Nothing permanent. But then my school had a very strictly enforced no dye policy!
The main issue is that she will not be able to get her natural hair back if she hates it. Dye remover would leave her hair orange, and she would need to have that then overdyed an approximation of her original colour. These three treatments close together would totally wreck her hair condition.
If you decide to let her, then buy a cheap black wig to see what the colour looks like first.

ClaraMatilda · 12/05/2019 14:19

I was a goth and started dyeing my long hair black at 12. My family didn't think it suited me but I loved it. I'm glad they recognised that it was my hair, and a harmless thing to do. It's in no way comparable to tattoos or risky sex!

By 17 I was bored of black, cut it short while the dye grew out, and then went for bright red instead. Grin

Ikeameatballs · 12/05/2019 14:24

I’ve let dd dye her hair from about 10! That year she had the ends bleached and then dyed bright pink, it looked great (done professionally). Last year, after having professional highlights, she took it upon herself to bleach it and it went fairly orange which led to a few tears but she’s learnt her lesson!

I really think that hair dying is a great way to experiment as it grows back! It allows bodily autonomy which I think is really important for young people to feel that they have. And yes, there are limits to be drawn but they are enforced by law eg tattoos.

barryfromclareisfit · 12/05/2019 14:30

Forbid it.
She can wait until she’s eighteen. Offer to pay for it, for her eighteenth birthday. And get her some wigs for now.
Because you love her and you love the way her hair grows.

sisterofmercy · 12/05/2019 14:32

At least dodgy perms aren't fashionable. Oh god the things I have done to my hair, especially in the 80s. It's pink now and really suits me.

Mrsjayy · 12/05/2019 14:32

Urm my emoesque state school educated child now has a professional job with qualifications and everything ! I don't think being privately educated takes away the fact teenagers will experiment with hairdye and a bit of makeup although I did read that cocaine is rife in private schools so ...

HappyPunky · 12/05/2019 14:39

Lush do black henna. It's a bit messy but gentler on hair. If you use semi permanent black dye it will turn green as it washes out ( which also looks cool on teenagers but school might object)

sashh · 12/05/2019 14:43

OP

I'm as pale as anyone on the planet who doesn't have actual albinism. I have blue eyes. I struggle to find make up light enough to wear.

At 14 I dyed my hair black. My dad didn't notice, my mum did.

I just looked Irish rather than anything else.

Fatted · 12/05/2019 14:46

Let her do it. It's only hair after all and it will grow back.

I bleached my naturally dark brown hair at 14. It was horrendous and took me two years to grow out. But it taught me a lesson because I have never been tempted to lighten my hair ever again in the subsequent 25 years!!

Hiddenaspie1973 · 12/05/2019 14:50

I'd assist her so she didn't wreck the bathroom!
My Dd wants black with bright green tips.
She's 12, so not yet. I'll assist her.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 12/05/2019 14:50

Lush do black henna. It's a bit messy but gentler on hair. If you use semi permanent black dye it will turn green as it washes out

Henna has to be grown out , it is very unpredictable with any chemicals put on top. I used Lush henna (started with Brun+Noire then just noire)

I recently (after getting all the henna grown out) got a Semi/P red out of my hair with the Vit C , no damage done and completely out .

Henna is lovely but messy and is a huge commitment .

Aprillygirl · 12/05/2019 14:51

Knowing it wouldn't suit her I always managed to talk my DD out of dying her hair black -I put a nice auburn dye in her xmas stocking when she was 14 or 15, knowing that would look much nicer- until she was 16 when she went and did it when I was out one day, immediately hated it but just had to live with it until it grew out. It is now been professionally dyed peach and pink and looks bloody gorgeous.

titchy · 12/05/2019 15:01

I'm just wondering how far you take it with the her body, her hair, her life attitude.

You use your common sense - presumably the same as you have been doing as a parent for her entire life? Hmm

If it's illegal or harmful (sex, drinking a litre of vodka) then categorically no.

Utterly harmless (black nail varnish, shaving armpits) then yes.

In between - sometimes 'yes', sometimes 'yes but', sometimes 'let's talk it through', sometimes 'maybe' sometimes 'not just yet'.

Personally this would be a 'yes but' (I'm not paying to sort it out if you hate it/ school must be ok with it/ don't make any sort of a mess)

mabelsgarden · 12/05/2019 15:01

I would say no.

mabelsgarden · 12/05/2019 15:02

@sunnysunchild

Technically it's up to her I guess.

BUT.

I have a friend whose daughter dyed her hair BLACK 3 years ago. (She is also mousy/light brown.) Cost £3.99 for the hair dye kit.

It started to look shit after about 3 weeks, as part of the dye washed out, and the roots started to emerge. Her daughter hated it, got called names by other girls, and cried to have it blonde again. My friend got a blonde hair dye for her, but it did nothing.

Cue THREE trips to the hairdressers (over 6 weeks,) at £55-£60 a time, to get it back to normal.

So the £3.99 kit ended up costing the family almost £200! In addition, the condition of the girl's hair was not great after being dyed black once, and bleached 4 times in 8 weeks! So she ended up having about 6" cut off it!