One child more “attractive” than the other?

[Shallowhals]

Name changed for this one as I hate even typing it but would like some advice.

I have two DDs - an almost three year old and a 20 month old. I obviously think they are both fabulous in every which way.

The (horrendously shallow) issue is that people keep commenting on how “gorgeous/beautiful/pretty” my youngest is and it’s really starting to rub me up the wrong way. We were at a family party yesterday and three people commented at different times and two of those times my older DD was present.

I’m worried she’s starting to notice and I’m not sure how to handle it. Last week her little sister was pretending to talk to her nana on an imaginerary phone, I thought it was adorable and I did say “oh you’re so cute” and DD1 came running out of the living room to exclaim “I’m cute too!” Which of course I told her she was. Generally I try hard to not comment on personal appearance, instead complimenting them on being clever/funny/kind but I fear it’s only a matter of time before they realise that society ranks girls on their appearance more than any other attribute and this saddens me.

I come from a shallow family. Appearance matters enormously. My own mother, who is wonderful with the DC and even tends to favour DD1 if anything, is even guilty of going on about DD2s appearance, so there’s no escaping this.

I only intend on having two DC and I fear them being so close in age will amplify the comparisons and could cause irreparable damage to DD1s self esteem if I don’t handle this properly. I fear their own relationship will be consumed with rivalry too.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle this in the long run? And any advice on what to say when family/friends/strangers comment? I usually complying ignore it/change the subject but I don’t know if that’s the most effective method? Any advice much appreciated!

[eightoclock]

Treat them both the same no matter what others say. Children need their parents to think they are beautiful /clever etc even if it's not true, so it doesn't matter what they actually look like. It will upset them far more if parents over compensate, than occasional comments from strangers. If close family or friends that they see often are causing issues by going on about it, have a word in private.
Also being clever is an inherited trait so not sure why people are saying this is a better thing to praise children for than looks...Surely better to praise for effort, being kind, persevering, than any inherent trait? That way a child will hopefully have the resilience to deal with difficulty when they get to a point in life when they are no longer the cleverest, prettiest, best at music or whatever.

[EducatingArti]

I think you should make a point of telling your older child how gorgeous you think she is. Gorgeousness isn't just about beauty but about personality and kindness and generosity and all the things that make you go awww when you are with her. And also ask family not to make comments about beauty.
If others do make comments about beauty, and you might not be able to stop it completely, you could say. "Yes I'm so lucky to have two such gorgeous girls." or something similar.

[OhWotIsItThisTime]

One of mine has little sticky-out ears. I adore them but know he will be teased at some point, so have always told him how lovely they are. However, this resulted in my other child, with petite, typically-attractive ears, thinking his were ugly.

Several talks later, everyone is happy with their ears.

[Gingerninja01]

Growing up I was your elder DD and my sister (1yr younger) was constantly told how pretty/cute she was, while I awkwardly stood there very aware I wasn’t regarded as pretty. Or even worse people will suddenly “remember their manners” and several minutes later say “oh and of course you too ginger ninja”
I remember boys locally making a big fuss of my sister and then making cruel comments like “was I adopted” and “how does it feel to be the ugly sister?” which is mortifying when you’re 13.
Not sure what my parents could have done about any of this, so not sure what advice to give, just that you need to be very aware of how shit your elder DD might feel.

[Witchend]

It is difficult to address.
However I do think at that age the younger will often get attention simply because they're younger.
It doesn't, as others have said, equate to prettier grown ups, nor does it mean that one will become vain and the other will become embittered.

Worth saying to family please don't comment as she's getting a little self-conscious about her looks.

However you will never be able to stop strangers commenting. I remember my dm talking to someone she met, and the daughter, who must have been about 3 or 4 came up and dm (who never commented on appearances) blurted out "she's beautiful". She said afterwards she just couldn't help it.

When dd2 was tiny and getting comments I often said to dd1 she got as many comments at that age. It was indeed true, so I did notice how the younger tends to get compliments. Then ds got the comments when he was small.
You may be able to say something like "yes, she's beautiful eyes. She takes after her grandad- dd1 has them too".
If you come back with "yes, and dd1 can do this really well" you're actually reinforcing to dd1 that she isn't as pretty.

[Sugarformyhoney]

I wouldn’t worry. My elder sister was much more attractive than me and as everyone focused on her looks, so did she. My parents didn’t do anything to encourage anything otherwise. I was more boyish and very much an ugly duckling. I do remember the comments hurting when I was younger but as I grew, I began more focused on who I wanted to be rather than how I looked.
Anyway, though I’m no great looker my quirkiness has carried me well and I’m a bit alternative looking and dare I say, semi attractive because of my confidence. Dsis looks have faded and she’s still chasing that impossible dream, with no career to speak of.
Anyway if you reassure them both of their good points and attributes I’m sure it’ll work itself out.

[ANewDawn10]

I think you need to have a word with these people. Even if they think it, it's wrong to say it. Unfortunately you wont be able to control something if you arent there but if you hear it, you need to address the person.
A friend has twin girls. One Is just absolutely gorgeous and the other unfortunately got the short end. The difference is strikingly so, which makes it worse because you notice it immediately when you see them. It's awful to see peoples reactions and you can see what they think. My friend addresses it with anyone who says anything unkind.

[CupOhTea]

@Gingerninja01

people are so stupid and insensitive.

I'm definitely the ugly sister but I never realised till we were teenagers and by then I was so fat and plain, my beautiful younger sister was the least of my worries, so it actually didn't get to me that much.

Now we both look alright. She gained a lot of weight and I lost it, but she is fortunate to look amazing even when she's over weight. She's still the prettier one and she's very clever and successful. I should hate her really, but I don't for some reason I'm her biggest cheerleader actually, but that's probably because we desperately need each other as the rest of our family is either dead or far away and not always in touch very much.

[LillithsFamiliar]

I think you're worrying about it too much. One of my DSIS is beautiful. Two of my cousins are models. I didn't ever see myself in competition with them.
Growing up, older relatives would always tell all of us that we were beautiful and I think we knew that was about personality as well as looks but either way none of us were left feeling insecure or jealous.

[theWarOnPeace]

All you can do is emphasise how unimportant it all is, and do your best to bolster their self-esteem. I wouldn’t sacrifice my children’s future mental health for the sake of not pissing off family members.

My children are all very lovely IMO, but the eldest gets gasps of ridiculous praise off of randoms for his looks. “What a stunningly beautiful child” or “wow you should send your boy into modelling”, he was tracked down by a friend of a friend who has a popular modelling agency - after she saw my son’s picture at mutual friend’s house. I refused, and I don’t go in for any of it in front of my son, family don’t make comments on anyone’s appearance, and it’s a non- issue. As pp said, there’s no guarantee of it lasting, and who wants their child either growing up relying on their looks, or their other children feeling like shit? Incidentally, my son looks exactly the same as my husband did as a child, and my husband is nice enough looking as an adult, but certainly doesn’t draw gasps from people walking down the street!

My middle child was a shockingly beautiful newborn, not scrunched up and red at all, he was beautiful. As a toddler and primary schooler, he looked more unusual, but as he’s getting a bit older is looking very smart and handsome, but barely registers any attention directed at him. None of them do. My youngest was a gorgeous toddler with huge eyes, very thick lashes and curly caramel hair. Now he’s tall and gangly and the curls have fallen out. Who knows what they’ll all look like in ten years. Who cares? I can’t imagine it being something any of them will ever have an awareness of, although I’m sure there will come a time when outsiders tell them directly.

The point is, any part of it that I can control for them, then I will. Any family member or friend that compares them will hear about it from me, I just won’t stand for things like that. I’m not having them growing up comparing themselves to each other or anyone else. All of them are just beautiful to me though, every hair on their head, every freckle, the shape of their noses, the way their hair falls, their feet and hands, just everything about each of them is like some kind of miracle of nature. They’re clever and sweet and kind to others.

My children only have certain points hammered home to them, and looks don’t come into it. Do what you can for your community and those less fortunate, learn as much as you can, be kind and helpful, try your best, be kind and responsible. At no point does “you’re so handsome” come into the way we speak to our children.

[CupOhTea]

Ugh excuse the dodgy punctuation there. Rubbish phone.

[Shelbybear]

Ok, I was the other child lol. Did me no harm, I got used to it, it didn't bother me. I was happy how I looked but I knew she was more model beautiful.

My sister was such a beautiful looking little girl, even I cld see that at a young age. Big blue eyes, blonde hair, lovely tanned skin in the summer. Ppl would always tell my mum oh she is so beautiful isn't she, some would then notice me and go oh your beautiful too all embarrassed 😂 This was when I was say 6 and she was 8. I did an internal eye roll, oh yeah right then lol.

[IrisAtwood]

I was the older sister in a similar position. I was red-haired, while my younger sister was bubble haired blonde with big blue eyes. She was also the golden child in terms of family dynamics, while I was the scapegoat. A dynamic that continued for almost half a century until I broke off contact last year.

My own mother used to point out the difference in our looks and behaviour, as did others.

It is damaging and I have never really recovered a sense of being anything other than 'passable' and to blame for most things, although others tell me that I am attractive and I am having therapy for my sense of shame and guilt.

[blackteasplease]

I hear you OP. I have a ds5 who is a traditionally "attractive" child. Often used for the publicity photo for things like nursery / school/hobbies- they don't ask but publishing photos of my.kids doesn't bother me per se.

My dd was born with slight facial a symmetry as part of a wider syndrome. It's only slight but she of course notices. I am v careful not to make a thing of Ds's looks of course.

Ex BIL did ask DS to be a page boy at his wedding when he was 2 and DD was 7. Didn't ask DD to be a flower girl. EXH to his credit, o think, said no. Especially as DS would not appreciate the honour at all at that age but dd would feel the slight!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I was similar to you, Iris - I was in my mid-20s before my mother said something that suggested I was not as pig-ugly as I thought she thought I was. She'd never said it, but she'd never said I was pretty or beautiful or anything like that, only negative comments on my looks/hair/clothes etc.
My younger sister, otoh, was blonde, blue eyed, cute lalala etc.
I learnt to not care, I had other things going for me, but it still left me with zero confidence in my looks.

[IrisAtwood]

@thumbwitchesabroad I am sorry that you went through that bit really pleased that you learned not to care. I developed really good social skills and excelled academically, while my sister coasted using her looks and is now struggling with ageing and addicted to make up and cigarettes.

[KatnissMellark]

I have a sister who is 18 months younger than me and she was told many times as a child how gorgeous she was, given things, treated differently. To be honest, it's turned her into a bit of a twat who thinks things should be handed to her on a plate. She didn't (and doesn't) work hard and hasn't succeeded. Now we're hitting our thirties and she gets less attention she's finding it very hard.

[Bunnybigears]

My eldest DS12 is stunning, he is a model (actual regular paid work not me paying for him to get a portfolio done). My younger DS does not have the same looks. If anyone comments on DS1 while DS2 is around I make sure to make a comment about how good he is at sports or whatever. DS2 also quite often comes out with "DS1 might be good looking but he cant play rugby like me" or something similar which makes me believe he is aware looks aren't everything.

[BabyBadger2]

I wouldn't try and control what people say. It's going to be a losing battle anyway as they are going to be surrounded by people their whole lives - adults and children - who reinforce that message again and again and you won't always be there to correct them.

I think the only thing you can do is reinforce the things that you believe really have are important. Like kindness and effort and achievement. My mum handled this well I think - she never said we were pretty or clever but praised us for the things we did that she felt demonstrated good character.

[KellyW88]

I’m the 2nd of 5 children and the only one who hasn’t inherited the “skinny” gene from my Mum’s side (I have to work very hard to maintain a healthy weight - DS’s and DB’s can eat a mountain of food and barely excercise but remain slender) I am also the plain one, my sisters are both extremely pretty, witty, intelligent, charming etc. But they both attribute a lot of their personality to me, the eldest sister (which I don’t take credit for but it is lovely they think of me in such a way). I was never really complimented for my looks as a child, I was a tomboy and my sister who grew up with me was just like a doll, lovely dark hair, big brown eyes, pale skin etc. Thing is, it never really did register that I wasn’t complimented by people for my looks when she was, I just liked that people were being so nice to her as I thought she was pretty too!

I’m now 30 and it hasn’t really put any strain on my self confidence, but I have a DS and DD of my own (twins) and have started to see how critical family in particular are of DD’s looks (she’s not even 19 months old yet). Both DS and DD have large ears - DD’s stick out ever so slightly more and so MIL has mentioned (since DD was 10 months old) about getting them pinned back! Both were very premature and so are small/slight for their age and DD’s hair took a long time to grow in properly, she still has very short hair for her age but I love it, MIL and a few others ‘joked’ once (and this made me absolutely furious and caused me taking said people aside and give them a massive bollocking) that she looked like a ‘cancer patient’ because I’d put a headband with a large bow on for her. I was so angry on multiple levels, one HOW DARE anybody make light of somebody going through chemotherapy to such a disgustingly insensitive degree and please don’t say that about my DD who was on oxygen and had a collapsed lung at the time after contracting Bronchiolitis at NICU...

Wow I didn’t mean for that to turn into such a rant! My point is I see where you’re coming from OP - I was completely taken aback at how DD is only referred to for her looks by so many people but DS is just a ‘cheeky chappy’ or ‘so handsome’ to these people and I hope it dies off before she really starts to take notice...

I didn’t affect me but with how different the world is today when it comes to body image and the internet (when they’re older) I don’t want insensitive comments starting her down a path of self doubt before she even gets a chance to start building her own confidence xx

[WaxOnFeckOff]

I think they change over time too. I have two, the eldest was definitely the better looking baby and child but as young adults, the younger one is more conventionally better looking. Eldest has gorgeous eyes but really poor eyesight so you can't really see them for the glasses and they can't wear contacts.

[redcarbluecar]

I think it's a bit of a generalisation to say that society ranks girls on their looks more than any other attribute. If your DD does turn out to be less 'attractive' than her sister (it seems a bit early to tell, based on their ages), perhaps she'll find ways to assert her value as a person anyway e.g. through talent, strength of character, personal qualities, achievements. I guess all you can do is support her, love her and make it clear to others (through words or actions) that physical appearance isn't a preoccupation for you.

[JustDanceAddict]

Your elder DD will notice it, but they are young and looks change. I see kids who weren’t much to look at as younger children turn out to be beauties and cute toddlers can also grow up to be not so good looking older children!!
Don’t make looks a thing is my advice. Give your DDs praise for other stuff - or just tell them both they’re beautiful as I am sure they are in their own ways. You can’t legislate for what people say but you can react in an appropriate way.
My DCs are opposite sexes but I suppose I have had more direct compliments on DS’s ‘handsomeness’, as he is good looking. As for DD, she has some lovely physical attributes but I wouldn't say she was classically pretty. I always tell her she’s lovely, etc cos she is!! She has inherited her father’s large nose but doesn’t get stuck for it at all (apart from an ex-friend who knew it made her self-conscious- hence the ex!).

[SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc]

I'm glad we only have the one,I'd hate people making comparisons.

[Mamabear12]

Both my children are gorgeous 😀 however, one has blue eyes and the other brown. Everyone is always commenting on the blue eyed dc how amazing his eyes are etc. Dd does take notice and we make sure to talk about her beautiful brown eyes. And I have brown eyes as well, so at least that helps 😀 I would just make sure to sometimes comment how pretty she is as well. Of course good to focus on being kind and clever. But it’s also nice for her to hear that she is pretty as well. ESP if people keep commenting about younger sister.