One child more “attractive” than the other?

[Shallowhals]

Name changed for this one as I hate even typing it but would like some advice.

I have two DDs - an almost three year old and a 20 month old. I obviously think they are both fabulous in every which way.

The (horrendously shallow) issue is that people keep commenting on how “gorgeous/beautiful/pretty” my youngest is and it’s really starting to rub me up the wrong way. We were at a family party yesterday and three people commented at different times and two of those times my older DD was present.

I’m worried she’s starting to notice and I’m not sure how to handle it. Last week her little sister was pretending to talk to her nana on an imaginerary phone, I thought it was adorable and I did say “oh you’re so cute” and DD1 came running out of the living room to exclaim “I’m cute too!” Which of course I told her she was. Generally I try hard to not comment on personal appearance, instead complimenting them on being clever/funny/kind but I fear it’s only a matter of time before they realise that society ranks girls on their appearance more than any other attribute and this saddens me.

I come from a shallow family. Appearance matters enormously. My own mother, who is wonderful with the DC and even tends to favour DD1 if anything, is even guilty of going on about DD2s appearance, so there’s no escaping this.

I only intend on having two DC and I fear them being so close in age will amplify the comparisons and could cause irreparable damage to DD1s self esteem if I don’t handle this properly. I fear their own relationship will be consumed with rivalry too.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle this in the long run? And any advice on what to say when family/friends/strangers comment? I usually complying ignore it/change the subject but I don’t know if that’s the most effective method? Any advice much appreciated!

Name changed as this is embarrassing to admit!
I was born without the family "roman" nose, both sides have it. An accident of genetics made me the pretty child. As a result my parents over compensated with my older sister. She hated me then, hates me now. My face has got me every interview I have ever been on, but otherwise it has been a curse. It is just a mask on the outside, it does not define me. It has got me unwanted and aggressive attention from men, jealous insults from other women, and I have been assaulted 3 times. I developed an eating disorder, stopped wearing make up, dressed down and became reclusive. Luckily I married someone kind and caring who sees beyond the mask. I have 2 dcs and have always spent time praising them for kind acts and caring. The only weird thing is to be told by adult dd that she will never be as pretty as me! Crazy as I have done ABSOLUTELY nothing to deserve this face, it is pot luck, if anything I do not deserve it! She is completely wonderful inside and out. A truly lovely person. In case you are wondering, my ds is equally kind, loving and wonderful. No I won't judge what they look like. It is their personality and how they behave that matters more than anything in the world. Surely that is what makes someone attractive?

This happened to me when I was a kid, everyone used to comment on how pretty my sister was. Constantly. I’d get a conciliatory “and you’re so clever” but people fawned over her and it’s really affected the way I feel about myself. I have always been incredibly insecure about the way I look. I’m far more confident now, at 31, but often think that my lack of confidence really held me back.
I’d have loved for even just one person to tell me I was lovely too and stand up for me a bit.

Sorry, haven’t RTFT but just to say this was and still is the case with my sister and I. My sister got all the beauty genes and was a stunningly beautiful child whilst I was the opposite. People thought I was a boy!!
She is younger than me and I can still remember all the times the adults commented on how gorgeous/pretty/beautiful she was and I was just ignored. I was invisible. It was made worse by the fact that Dad favoured her over me. If we were naughty, I got the blame and a wolloping but she got a little tap on the back of the legs and no more. My mum was the only one who loved us equally and was fair. She admitted recently that my sister was Dads favourite. Even though I always knew it, it hurt so much to hear it. My sister is a demanding entitled madam to this day I believe because of this favouritism. To this day I am quite jealous of her. She attracted a very wealthy husband and has a very privileged lifestyle because of it. Sadly women are valued for looks first and I can’t see that changing anytime soon. DD1 will notice and it will stick with her for life. Your mention of her saying I’m cute too breaks my heart! Flashes of my childhood feelings came rushing back. I’m really not sure what you can do about it. My mum used to attempt sayings things like ‘both of my daughters are equally beautiful’ but I knew it was just her effort to try make me feel better!

As a child, people admired my ringlets, long eyelashes, tanned skin. My sister's looks are less conventionally pretty and she didn't get the same attention. Our parents went to great lengths to never mention looks, they cut my hair short, discouraged me from wearing dresses or pretty clothes. I became a tom boy but an early developer, when I reached puberty I had no confidence in my looks and spent my teens feeling ugly, hiding my body, not allowed to wear make up or do anything 'vain'!

My sister was praised for her many talents but I wasn't a high achiever like her. Some of my mums friends said (in front of me) that I should be a model but she dismissed it. Any signs of possible vanity were quashed immediately.

I didn't feel attractive until well into my 20s, I had very low self esteem. Looking back at old photos I can see I was an attractive child and teenager.

OP be careful not to overcompensate or deny comments about your youngest's beauty. My sister and I have a wonderful bond, always have, and she used to tell me I was beautiful, without envy just in a matter of fact sisterly way, because she knew I had no confidence.

Beauty is one of nature's gifts, let her enjoy it! You can accept her beauty without making a big thing of it, just as you'd accept another child's talent for maths without making a big issue of it in front of the other.

Oh this is so hard OP! If it helps at all, their looks will change so much as they grow. My niece was an impressively unattractive child, her little sister would always get the looks based compliments. Now she's in her early twenties, she's been fabulously stunning in looks since she hit about fourteen and she's a very successful catwalk model. (I resent her beautiful self just a teeeeeny tiny bit :p)

It’s really insensitive. I would have a word with them.

It's clichéd, but beauty is so much about thoughts and attitudes than actual looks. There's the Roald Dahl inspirational quote from the Twits that's often circulated on platforms like FB, but I really do know two people - one with a hooked nose and one with sticky out teeth who are LOVELY - they smile and brighten up every place they are in; they aren't conventional 'beauties' in every way but you just don't see it because they have style, positive attitudes, happiness and kindness in abundance.

Conversely, it's amazing how ugly jealousy is... even on the most beautiful people.

The comments about growing into looks give hope but your older DD may still be less attractive than her sister once they're older, and may still be dealing with this.

If these were my children honestly I would not suppress praise for your DD2's looks (but I would have a word if it was at the expense of your DD1), but I would certainly encourage her to not let it define who she is - if others are often saying you're beautiful you can end up living to fit in with this notion, and not for yourself. I would keep an eye on DD1s self esteem and reassure about looks, but say to her if she feel less beautiful than others to not let it worry her. Tell her that attitude and self-esteem generally having a far greater effect on people that are worth having as friends, than image alone. If people she knows are consumed by image they're probably going to be too dull for her to be bothered about.

Growing up, I was clever, my sister was pretty and my brother was the golden boy...

I have definitely grown into my looks, now that I don't care about such nonsense :D

My middle sister was the 'plainest' looking when we were all small but she's stunning now we're adults, and much more attractive than I am. Children do change, especially when very young. Also I think people often praise very superficial looks for children - blonde hair and big blue eyes can look stunning and doll like - but can turn into very bland teenage looks. Conversely - my daughter was the most hideous baby but grew into a nice looking toddler and now a really attractive pre-teen.

So your issue may go away of it's own accord - meanwhile all you can do is what others have suggested - praise the older one too, and focus on other things like their personality.

So true how it can all change completely.

I have even noticed plainer looking young adults suddenly blossoming in their thirties. This seemed to happen with two of my sils actually. They look fab now (mid thirties) and were never unattractive, but they were more bland looking I think in their twenties.

TBH, OP, I think your DD1 is just going to have to deal with it.

Anyway, when puberty hits, it can be anyone's guess who comes out the other end as a good looking adult. It's just pot lock, and dealing with that is part of life.

stopfuckingshoutingatme

My friend has 2 DD and both attractive but one looks like a little Vanessa Paridis

I genuinely can’t figure out whether you’re implying that the more attractive one looks like Paradis because you think Paradis is beautiful, or whether you’re saying that even though they’re both cute, one sadly is a bit less so as she looks like Paradis 😂

Reason I ask is because I saw a perfume ad with Vanessa Paradis in earlier and was struck by how unattractive she is, not the teeth, gaps are lovely, but just her general eyes and face/bone structure make her look like a Halloween skull. But I’ve known people think she’s attractive as she used to be a model right? So I just had to ask!

Bloody hell!!!
Sorry for the long message. Got a bit carried away with myself. It's a subject I feel strongly about.

My fourth child was definitely the least good looking of my children. And yet she was the one who was the most commented on - all the time. When she was a toddler, one day 3 separate random strangers started taking pictures of her

There’s more to attractiveness than good looks - even for babies. And this only gets more true as you get older.

My mother didn’t help- sending off photos to child modelling competitions with me crossed out and my sister highlighted.

Genuinely

I grew up with a very pretty older sister and heard this a lot. I always did well at school though and my sister didn't so I think my academic ability made up for the lack of good looks in my mind. My son is the image of me and everyone says how good looking he is. Clearly my looks are better suited to a bloke!

I have 3 children, all girls. The eldest was scouted by an agency on Instagram around 2 years ago, and has had a pretty successful career so far. She now has her own Instagram account which I manage, and her sisters see me updating it. I am quite conscious that they may be thinking, why her, not me? I'm also very aware how our last minute dashes to London for castings effects them, and when I'm away for days at a time if she has a shoot abroad (as in her chaperone). But I just have to shower my other girls with love and praise. Neither are less beautiful than their sister, but they aren't as confident or photogenic as she is. It really is a tricky one, and I suppose until they directly ask me, I don't actually know the answer! Not helpful, I know 🙈

I think it’s probably more so now because 1 is a ‘cute’ age, I’m sure when they are eg 5 and 7 people would know it’s inappropriate to leave one out. You could always bend down to dd1 and say and you are absolutely beautiful princess straight after someone has said it, it may make them also say yes she is too or atleast for dd1 to hear it too about herself

The trigger to me confronting my mother about her emotional abuse during my childhood was her referring to one of my 7 year old sons as handsome and his twin as ugly, to their faces no less, and on more than one occasion I'm ashamed to say . She used to refer to me as ugly as a child, my older sister was pretty. I remember being bewildered when she told me I looked beautiful on my wedding day. I never believed anyone who told me I was beautiful as an adult, and plenty of people did.

Just tell both your daughters they're beautiful, inside and out, every day and they'll be fine OP. You unfortunately can't control other people's view of them but you can teach them to love themselves.

Really interesting reading this thread from a parents point of you. Children treated fairly or unfairly because of their looks. From my own experience my advice is to ignore other people's comments about your dcs' looks and always praise them for behaviour and kindness.All the parents in this thread, including my own, tried their best. Mine got it wrong, but I still loved them. (also forgive my sister's continued jealous hatred) There is no right answer. Don't try to overcompensate either way, try to make them laugh at it and realise the value they have in each other, not their looks, and the love that you share as a whole family. I got mine involved in regenerating a local park, and that accomplishment was a family thing and the success not looks based :)

I have the opposite. 2 DS's and everyone comments on how good looking the oldest is. Now, he is a very beautiful child, he always has been but I don't want my youngest to feel like he's not. Oldest has a different dad who's not around, so I feel like that makes it worse because people say it Infront of my DP, and I feel like I want to cut their tongues out. His own family have said it!

I had this growing up, I’m short, black hair, very busty. My sister is tall, natural -very blond hair, average size. I remember an aunt saying what a beauty your sister is with that blond hair, oh your alright in passing. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like the ugly sister. My mum always calls her my gorgeous little babe, I’m just Ali or the one with the big boobs.

All of my children are gorgeous. When people meet them they can’t belirve how gorgeous they are because I’m no supermodel. Their chins literally hit the deck. I find it so amusing. I was always told I was ugly when I was little by my sisters and when my gorgeous husband chose me when we were 16 years old people commented on why he would be with me. He got lucky is what I would say and still would over 23 years on. I tell my children every day how beautiful they are inside and out and remind them that I’ve done all right despite being an ugly duckling. We all have a good laugh about it. Funnily enough I’ve alwats felt very comfortable in my own skin. When people comment on my children’s good looks I feel like saying would you be so quick to comment if they were ugly