One child more “attractive” than the other?

[Shallowhals]

Name changed for this one as I hate even typing it but would like some advice.

I have two DDs - an almost three year old and a 20 month old. I obviously think they are both fabulous in every which way.

The (horrendously shallow) issue is that people keep commenting on how “gorgeous/beautiful/pretty” my youngest is and it’s really starting to rub me up the wrong way. We were at a family party yesterday and three people commented at different times and two of those times my older DD was present.

I’m worried she’s starting to notice and I’m not sure how to handle it. Last week her little sister was pretending to talk to her nana on an imaginerary phone, I thought it was adorable and I did say “oh you’re so cute” and DD1 came running out of the living room to exclaim “I’m cute too!” Which of course I told her she was. Generally I try hard to not comment on personal appearance, instead complimenting them on being clever/funny/kind but I fear it’s only a matter of time before they realise that society ranks girls on their appearance more than any other attribute and this saddens me.

I come from a shallow family. Appearance matters enormously. My own mother, who is wonderful with the DC and even tends to favour DD1 if anything, is even guilty of going on about DD2s appearance, so there’s no escaping this.

I only intend on having two DC and I fear them being so close in age will amplify the comparisons and could cause irreparable damage to DD1s self esteem if I don’t handle this properly. I fear their own relationship will be consumed with rivalry too.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle this in the long run? And any advice on what to say when family/friends/strangers comment? I usually complying ignore it/change the subject but I don’t know if that’s the most effective method? Any advice much appreciated!

Ye, you know it's not a private forum, but you don't expect your posts to be picked up by the media. It's a bit crap.

Amazing how many incredibly stunning kids there are in this thread

I’m one of four, I’ve heard my other sisters described as stunning. I’ve been described as being ‘really nice too’.

It hurts.

So tricky. I have taught so many siblings over the years. One, notably, was properly stunning to look at. Her sister was not as conventionally attractive and omg, the poor girl had a HUGE chip on her shoulder, no doubt because big sister was forever being told she was so gorgeous.

All I would say is don’t allow your dm to harp on about cute, beautiful etc. It’s bad enough strangers banging on without your own family buying into the Rate my Plate version of attractiveness.

It's crass to comment on one child being more attractive than a sibling, even if it's true.
But as several people have commented, looks change over time. One of my friends has 2 girls and when they were younger I confess to thinking one much prettier than the other (but never said so!) Roll on a few years, the 'plain' girl is growing into a lovely young woman and the 'pretty' one is still pretty, but the sisters look much more alike as they get older.

People are d*cks. My children are all boys and I get told frequently (in front of my other children how disappointed I must be never to have a girl!!!)
My response: superficial things like that are of no interest to us.
Try it. It works.
Good luck and ignore

I read somewhere that we are biologically programmed to be attracted to less common gene pools so as 80% of population have brown eyes, and only 10% have blue eyes, that is probably why they are more attractive to most.

@cuppycakey I beg to differ. I have my own theories to why the western world would want us to believe that but this is not the time and place to have a debate.

cuppycakey 48% of British people have blue eyes - blue is the most common eye colour in the UK. Nobody's raw biological instinct is programmed to consider statistics for the global population, so within the UK your logic is backwards - people are being attracted to the most common eye colour. There aren't that many really naturally blond adults because Caucasian people's hair usually darkens with age, but again blond preschool children are very common in Britain.

I'm like @PeachNut and have one older, geeky-looking nerdy but charismatic and smiley and clever dd then a younger, very pretty and slim built but very volatile and difficult younger DD.

I do use words like pretty, beautiful, cute etc but my eldest would rather I noticed her talent at art and tech, she likes to be called cute in private but she knows they're chalk and cheese and I make a point of calling out my eldest on her awesome dress sense, the work she does and her achievements as well as reassuring my youngest that she looks beautiful even without her pretty dress on and then I talk about how well she's come on with reading, or a certificate she has had for something (she's academically weaker but tries harder).

My dad said awful things about my body as I hit puberty and he has started to make the odd inappropriate and not nice comment about my eldest. I've made it (hopefully) clear to people that it's not acceptable and that in my household beauty is skin deep.

Unfortunately my youngest is very insecure and doesn't believe looks aren't important. She could look pretty and cute in a bin bag smeared with dog poop but she doesn't get it.

Interesting.

I wouldn't have thought our human biological programming would be different whether we are in London or Lesotho but crack on....

I personally have no preference on eye colour.

Oh - when my eldest was a baby, pre 12 months, though she looked exceedingly boyish, she was one of the cutest babies I've ever seen abd was told that a lot too. Where as my "prettier" dd was quite a grouchy looking thing.

I wouldn't have thought our human biological programming would be different whether we are in London or Lesotho but crack on

I don’t really understand your point - do you mean we all (whether in London or Lesotho) are attracted to traits that are rare on a global scale? Instinctively? The idea of rare = attractive I totally buy but surely it’s at an observable population level.

Saying this from experience, this is very tricky, OP. Growing up, I was conventionally pretty and got a lot of compliments for it. Younger was compared by our shallow grandparents, aunt.

But I was the shy one and younger sis was outgoing, vivacious. I was made fun of for trying to do something I was not good at by an aunt and my mum said nothing. I stopped trying it to avoid ridicule. Our family kept comparing us, making me more shy and her more conscious of looks. dsis became very obsessed with looks, make-up, etc. Now we are both considered good looking. dsis is very good with makeup and styling. She judges people for their looks, make fun of someone struggling with weight, etc.

My mum used to over compliment dsis and downplayed any compliment I received to make sure I didn't grow up being shallow. I grew up thinking I had no talent, no personality.

Honestly it's really horrible to compare siblings for their looks, talents, intelligence or anything. Rather children should be praised for good behaviour and repeatedly told that good values like hard work, kindness are more important than inherent talents and looks.

I have met people who were very plain looking by society's standards but have high self-esteem because appearance were not considered something to be proud of by parents.

Slightly different but my cousin and I are a year apart. I am older. My whole life, all relatives including my mother would go on about how beautiful my cousin was and how smart and on and on.

My mother never told me any of this. or any of my family. It crushed my opinion of myself. Yes, I know this does not define me now, but those thoughts are difficult to get rid of.

Just make sure that you see both your daughters and compliment them. I agree about complimenting achievements not looks. At the moment your first is a baby still but with time all this will change. Show love to both. Praise both.

As a child and teen I was always receiving comments about how I got the good looks in the family. I am the youngest of 3 and was tall, slim with long dark hair. My sisters took after our mother and were short,
and a tad chubby with frizzy ginger hair.

I never took any notice of the comments, apart from when they were accompanied by the odd leer, that always frightened me. Or when the differences between us was used by my sisters to convince a very young me, that I was adopted because my real parents didn't want me.

As a tomboy, I'd have much rather someone congratulate me on my keepy-uppy skills than my looks.

My sisters however, hated it and that resentment, built over many years, never went away. I'm now as round as I am tall, my long dark locks are short, grey and rather unruly and somewhere along the line a sad Basset hound swapped faces with me. Yet that long built resentment was still never far from the surface.

I'm not suggesting this will be the outcome for your girls OP, but I would say you're doing exactly the right thing looking for ways to minimise it, for both girl's sakes.

I grew up being told I was the ‘pretty’ one. My sibling was the ‘clever’ one. Needless to say, we were both probably jealous of each other.
It’s something to be discouraged I would say......

btw...I think I’m quite clever and sibling is gorgeous so there 👅

I have a 6 month old girl and 5 year old boy. She gets loads of attention from everyone especially her brother who's always telling her she's so cute and so beautiful. He heard this a lot from me as a baby and still does. It's all about instilling confidence.

She probably doesn't care what strangers think! She'll care what YOU think but she'll be wondering if you think the same as everyone else. How's about saying to youngest.... you are as cute as (your eldest) that way both of them are getting same compliment?

Please try to compliment appearance. It's part of life. And every one wants tolook nice.

@foreverhanging I get you. DD is 5, and a pretty kid. She wears mostly Spider-Man or Ninjago clothes, never ever skirts or dresses. Recently she wore a purple hoody. A friend said 'oh, she looks really pretty in purple' in tones of great surprise.

Nope. She's gorgeous whatever she wears. Inside and out.

OMG yes when my daughter was 3 this kind of stuff started-the worst offenders were the leaders of the childcare class who frequently took her super long thick blond hair out of its plaits and spent inordinate time re-doing it in different ways and always giving her the princess/fairy outfits in dress-up corner before other kids got a look in..bloody weirdos..i complained to the director in the end as my daughter didnt feel she could vocalise to them she wasnt happy and didnt like dress ups as much as cars and building stuff which she was barely being able to access.

Poppycock!!
Of course looks are important!!

So are many other aspects.of a person.

Every aspect of society is flagrantly pushing beauty.

I tell people that they are beautiful, no matter how they look, bc confidence is attractive and being told you're beautiful will help give someone confidence.

Frankly, being beautiful is difficult bc men too often make their gf or wife jealous vy making a stupid comment.

Women don't like being around beautiful women and nobody thinks beautiful women are smart.

I grew up being picked at every day by my mother. I eventually realized that my mother was like many of you "wanted me to be humble." But not until I was middleaged. I had no self esteem was too grateful if anyone who said anything nice.

What an awful thing to do to a person!! Tell a pretty girl she's ugly to keep her "humble?!"

Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her she smart. Clever funny and interesting and anything thing else that will make her happy.

The rest of the stinking world will tear your dc's down. Your job is to make sure you dcs feel happy about theirself. Every aspect, including looks.

If my family couldn't be nice, i would think they were bad manners.

@HereBeFuckery I hope my dd loves Spider-Man too :) family are always trying to push dollies and pretty things on her