One child more “attractive” than the other?

[Shallowhals]

Name changed for this one as I hate even typing it but would like some advice.

I have two DDs - an almost three year old and a 20 month old. I obviously think they are both fabulous in every which way.

The (horrendously shallow) issue is that people keep commenting on how “gorgeous/beautiful/pretty” my youngest is and it’s really starting to rub me up the wrong way. We were at a family party yesterday and three people commented at different times and two of those times my older DD was present.

I’m worried she’s starting to notice and I’m not sure how to handle it. Last week her little sister was pretending to talk to her nana on an imaginerary phone, I thought it was adorable and I did say “oh you’re so cute” and DD1 came running out of the living room to exclaim “I’m cute too!” Which of course I told her she was. Generally I try hard to not comment on personal appearance, instead complimenting them on being clever/funny/kind but I fear it’s only a matter of time before they realise that society ranks girls on their appearance more than any other attribute and this saddens me.

I come from a shallow family. Appearance matters enormously. My own mother, who is wonderful with the DC and even tends to favour DD1 if anything, is even guilty of going on about DD2s appearance, so there’s no escaping this.

I only intend on having two DC and I fear them being so close in age will amplify the comparisons and could cause irreparable damage to DD1s self esteem if I don’t handle this properly. I fear their own relationship will be consumed with rivalry too.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle this in the long run? And any advice on what to say when family/friends/strangers comment? I usually complying ignore it/change the subject but I don’t know if that’s the most effective method? Any advice much appreciated!

This is really common my sister just had a baby when she came round with him we had lots of cuddles and when they left my 5yo sobbed because apparently nobody thinks she’s beautiful, if i tell my 6yo his such a good boy because his done something that usually takes an arguement to do she cries that she’s a good girl too. I wouldn’t worry too much just reassure her :-) x

I have recently had a high school reunion, and it brought it home to me that those who are most attractive in school are generally NOT those most lovely as adults. You don't want to peak at 16 :-)

I don't mean you should say this to your DD (obvs) but it's always worth reminding girls especially of this if and when they hit a tricky looks-based dilemma at school. Just find way to reframe it for younger kids

It can be damaging. I was the clever one and my sister the pretty one. She has low self-esteem and is very unhappy with her life now she’s middle aged.

Focusing on kindness and attainment is better for long-term happiness.

Kids do change as they get older - we used to get so many comments on my eldest when he was a baby/toddler - he's still gorgeous, but they've tailed off. We didn't get comments on his little brother when he was a baby/toddler (who isn't as classically handsome, but has such an expressive face and eyes that you don't notice), but now he's 5 he gets a lot because of a distinctive feature - I'm sure these things will ebb and flow as time goes by, after all - there's a fair whack of fashion in what's good looking too (I never would have predicted the heavy eyebrows, or Justin Beiber's old haircut for instance)

When they try to get me to do competitions (who has the best X or can do Y the best) I refuse to judge, or I think up reasons they've each won, on different scoring systems - at first this annoyed them, but now I think they quite enjoy my flat refusal to favour one, even on one minor competitive aspect!

My husband has blue eyes and blonde hair, I have dark eyes and dark hair, so glad my children have my dark eyes and dark hair. They are beautiful. What a sad world we would live in if only blue eyes and blonde hair was seen as attractive. I thought Hitler was dead.

Having blonde hair and blue eyes doesn't automatically make you attractive

When they try to get me to do competitions (who has the best X or can do Y the best) I refuse to judge, or I think up reasons they've each won, on different scoring systems - at first this annoyed them, but now I think they quite enjoy my flat refusal to favour one, even on one minor competitive aspect!

I had this too as we had a very small age gap. Once when they were once again racing and DC2 was coming last - again. I said they were the absolute best at coming 2nd. They were absolutely chuffed with that!

One of my DDs has blonde hair in perfect ringlets- when she was a toddler people would ask how I curled it! The other DD has straight mousey brown hair like me. DD1 constantly gets comments about her hair- I always reply with “yes it’s lovely isn’t it, and DD2 has lovely hair too!”

It’s a tricky one
My friend has 2 DD and both attractive but one looks like a little Vanessa Paridis

I don’t mention it . That’s what sensible
People Fucking do ! It really riles
Me especially with women who lets face it are judged so much
More

@nottonight not according to mumsnet. The most gorgeous dark haired, dark eyed person would look plain compared to an average blonde haired, blue eyed person. But then again mumsnet is very bizarre at times so not surprised

I wouldn't worry too much about the future.

Some kids live the 'ugly duckling' story (not a nice term but you get what I mean) and then other kids are sometimes absolutely stunning but grow up to look less 'cute'.

My point is, their looks may change. Not that any of this matters ofc.

This has made me think of all the children I know (male and female) and how very little I notice their looks. Would I be in the minority to look at a pair of siblings and not even consider which is the most attractive? Comparing personalities/interests/natural abilities is fascinating but looks? They are kids FFS and will change constantly for the next few years!!!

'Your beauty will fade...my humour will last forever'...quote from younger niece (nice looking kid) to her stunning older sister... Often things balance out one way or another.

Having said that just ask people to stop commenting on their looks. Make it clear you don't want them judged that way.

I have this problem although I think it is a bit easier as my youngest is a boy and my eldest is a girl. But ever since DS was a newborn people have commented on how beautiful he is, whereas DD was a typical squishy-faced newborn (who I of course thought was perfect!). It was easier when he was a baby but he's 19 months now (similar ages to your children) and my in-laws are the worst for it. For example, my FIL recently said "that boy got all the looks didn't he!" Which I thought was extremely hurtful and luckily DD was too young to understand. My DH very pointedly said how lucky we were to have two such gorgeous looking kids, at which point FIL looked embarrassed and backtracked. My other line is to say "yes, the older he gets the more he looks like his sister". At home, we just don't mention looks at all. I do hope that DD won't compare herself because there is absolutely nothing wrong with how she looks, it's just DS has, as you say, conventionally beautiful features.

Blonde hair and blue eyes is fetishised in a similar way to mixed race curly hair and caramel skin.

I think any colouring and hair can be beautiful.

OP - this came up on my newsfeed on Facebook, though I didn't click into the story, so has been picked up by media. Just thought you should be aware.

Thing is, you can't really tell how kids will turn out, they might be a lot more or less attractive as adults than they are as kids.

I got constantly told I was clever and so didn't try at school. Resulting in my mediocre career. If I'd have been told I wasn't really bright and needed to try hard I might have been a decking neurosurgeon!

Same with looks. Might be a shock when you turn 16 and suddenly you're gorgeous but not sure how to handle it.

Thanks asdou a pp mentioned up-thread that the Mirror picked it up. I'm cringing it shouldn't matter because it's anonymous and I've obviously posted it on here willingly, but more some reason it feels like a bit of a violation...