One child more “attractive” than the other?

[Shallowhals]

Name changed for this one as I hate even typing it but would like some advice.

I have two DDs - an almost three year old and a 20 month old. I obviously think they are both fabulous in every which way.

The (horrendously shallow) issue is that people keep commenting on how “gorgeous/beautiful/pretty” my youngest is and it’s really starting to rub me up the wrong way. We were at a family party yesterday and three people commented at different times and two of those times my older DD was present.

I’m worried she’s starting to notice and I’m not sure how to handle it. Last week her little sister was pretending to talk to her nana on an imaginerary phone, I thought it was adorable and I did say “oh you’re so cute” and DD1 came running out of the living room to exclaim “I’m cute too!” Which of course I told her she was. Generally I try hard to not comment on personal appearance, instead complimenting them on being clever/funny/kind but I fear it’s only a matter of time before they realise that society ranks girls on their appearance more than any other attribute and this saddens me.

I come from a shallow family. Appearance matters enormously. My own mother, who is wonderful with the DC and even tends to favour DD1 if anything, is even guilty of going on about DD2s appearance, so there’s no escaping this.

I only intend on having two DC and I fear them being so close in age will amplify the comparisons and could cause irreparable damage to DD1s self esteem if I don’t handle this properly. I fear their own relationship will be consumed with rivalry too.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle this in the long run? And any advice on what to say when family/friends/strangers comment? I usually complying ignore it/change the subject but I don’t know if that’s the most effective method? Any advice much appreciated!

Maybe you could dress down DD2
I disagree that this is the way forward. Why should the “pretty” one have to be dressed down to make her more equal to her sister? I’d never expect a pretty or talented child to hide their light under a bushel just because a sibling gets less attention. That’s very unfair and will breed resentment. I had a friend who was resentful of me always being the one who was hit on so she’d ask me to dress down. Eventually she started lying about where we were going and what people would be wearing so I’d dress down. Unsurprisingly we’re no longer friends.

Thays a really difficult one OP, people can be thoughtless.

As they're so young could you make a fuss of your eldest in private (ie when your youngest isnt there) by saying things like "you're so cute" (as that is the phrase you say she responded to), but then continue as you are when they're both together by not commenting on appearance but the other traits you mentioned?

This might help her feel included but as it's in private it wouldn't be to the detriment of your younger DD?

As for other people making comments do you think you have the kind of relationship with the people who make these comments where you could give a sassy response to them? Eg "yes but it's a good job we live in 2019 where their ambition/intelligence/wit is more important" ?

Handsome is as handsome does.
And I can't help but feel if you are actually voicing to them that DD2 is " so cute", that you are complicit in the behaviour you are rightly objecting to.
Set an example!
And praise the older one for what she does and for her looks, just to balance it out. Whilst commenting on appearance could be construed as shallow, in your elder DDs case, not to do so would be highlighting the problem.

I agree there's nothing wrong with telling your children they are beautiful but don't make it the most noticeable, important thing about them. You can compliment their appearance and praise things like how hard they worked on their spellings, how good they are at art and telling funny jokes, how you noticed they were kind making sure others got a turn on the swing. The problems arise when people pigeon hole them - oh yes Sophie got the brains, Emily got the looks and then reinforce those messages in how they relate to the children.

I have the same issue with my two. I think they are both gorgeous but one definitely looks more "conventional" and it is commented on 😢

But at the same time I am the least attractive sibling, very plain indeed, fat and short (and the eldest!), but it hasn't held me back at all and has never bothered me! (My husband is very handsome so thankfully the kids get their bone structure and frames from him)

We have this, 2 DSs, 2 years apart. My eldest is considerably more physically attractive than my youngest. It's commented on constantly by family and strangers and now that they're teens, it's become very obvious (youngest hit by the acne stick).

We've dealt with it by ignoring that side of things and focusing on their other strengths (DS1 is massively sporty, DS2 is a brainbox). He knows his brother is very good looking and I can't say it doesn't hurt him a little but he's aware that his strengths will last far longer than physical attractiveness.

Attractiveness is far, far more than physical appearance. That's the first mistake you and your family are making.

It is really hard.

My sister always got the attention and compliments- she had blonde curly hair until her teens while I was shy with boring straight brown hair. My mother didn’t help- sending off photos to child modelling competitions with me crossed out and my sister highlighted. Always talking about her being a model, to the point of doing the model agency rounds (where she was fairly brutally told she was too large for modelling, one eye was wonky and her features were wrong).

No mention was ever made of my talents- i was very intelligent and elite track athletics. Only comments would be negative, i wouldn’t want to be running round getting sweaty when i was older and cared what boys thought, and I’d never beat the Russians anyway.

It has made a huge difference. My sister has grown up very confident, my shyness and feeling of inadequacy just got worse.

It’s tough. My kids are both very different. I have tried to make it more about work and passion rather than intrinsic “born with it” qualities. So if someone comments on one Dd’s hair, I’ll say something about her haircut being her choice and she styles it really well. If someone comments on the other’s athletic ability, I’ll say she’s worked really hard to get where she is. If someone asks if the other dd is as good, I’ll say she has a lot of talent but hasn’t found the sport she’s passionate about to take to that level.

At 20 months your younger child is just baby cute - there is absolutely no way whatsoever to know whether she'll be a beautiful teenager or woman.

What may happen though is your daughter's may get put in boxes as "the pretty one" and "the plain sensible one" and this may stick within your family even if objectively as they grow up they're both equally ordinary looking with no real difference in "prettyness"

It's the labelling which will do damage - to both of them, in fact arguably it will damage your younger child more because if she puts on weight or gets terrible acne or a scar or anything her self esteem will plummet disproportionately if being pretty is "her thing", whilst your older DD might be overly grateful or flattered when boys start telling her she's beautiful...

Stamp on the labelling from your extended family, tell them absolutely clearly it is harmful and you will not tolerate it. Comments from strangers are harmless, just don't make a big deal of them, they'll stop when she gets bigger.

I was relieved that my DC are similar to each other for this reason. Similar in size and not too different in looks

I was always compared to my Dsis as she is more attractive than me and it did make me feel a bit shit

I think you need to gently say something to your family

My sister inherited big features and I didn't. It didn't affect her as much as me. For example you could say my sister had nice hair and my mum would say thank you, if you said I had nice hair my mum would say 'well older sister got good grades/ a medal'. My grandma always took my sister makeup shopping but I was never allowed to go as was 'my sisters thing'! My wedding my grandma and mum focused on my sister saying how beautiful she was and had I seen her. I have memories of my sister always saying I was ugly and fat in front of my mum and it was fine but I was aware I could never say anything to her or I would be in alot of trouble. Double standards will only end up punishing your younger child for being attractive.

I don't see anything wrong with telling a child that they're beautiful or that they look lovely as long as your also telling them how smart/ creative/kind/funny etc they are.
You really can't help what other people say but you can continue to re-enforce to dd1 that she also loves lovely. My dd has an amazing fashion sense and is brave with her hairstyle choices and doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks. So I comment on how amazing she looks.

Definitely talk to your family members about the comments.

My siblings are more attractive than me but rarely did family ever compare us or make me feel like shit. There is no need for it.

When we were children, me and my cousin always played together. She was younger and cuter. When we grew up everyone said that I became the pretty one for a time. Anyway I dont think it damaged my self esteem. She was just younger and cuter!

Is it not just because she's the baby? Everyone always said how cute/beautiful my first child was (as people generally do to all babies/infants!), but when my second came along, the comments switched more to her. People are just more complimentary of younger children I think.

Maybe I am in the wrong here but I always say well how are my beautiful girls today when I see my grandchildren which is every week I have never really thought whether one was more prettier .I just want them to get to us they are the most special girls .will it damage them I doubt it if they show us scholl reports or dance certificate I always say things like aren't you clever .it's not all about how you look but people tend to say this to girls like it or not .but your family should also tell your eldest she is beautiful cute or whatever as well because yes that's not fair

Not sure what to suggest, I would say that trying to make them feel they are equally attractive can back fire big time because they are not and no matter how much you try, the people they will encounter through out their life will remind them of that.

They have different qualities, they need to be proud of themselves and their sister. I wish we couldn’t try to be egalitarian on this and people raised their kids so when some one says “she is absolutely beautiful/clever/funny/attractive” the other sibling can say, with a lot of pride “she is great, isn’t she?”

I’m proud of my sister good points: she is a social butterfly, is incredibly funny, cute, has literally hundreds of friends, is the soul of every party and is very attractive on her own way (neither of us are particularly pretty) but she is a bit short and has always had a tendency to gain weight easily but this does NOT diminishes her attractiveness.

I, on the other hand, I’m an introvert, but I don’t suffer by it, I choose to avoid crowds and parties because I much rather have a deep conversation with a friend in a cafe than go out to crowdy places, I have been a bookworm most of my life, I tend to be quite philosophical and crap for chit chat, I’m tall and when I was young, I was always very slim even against my will (I had an over active metabolism)

Every time somebody says “Tan is so [insert nice quality]”, my mum starts listing the reasons why I am not that good or telling them why my sister is better. My sister does the same, it has been like growing up with a spiteful bully... I just wish my sister and mum concentrated on the fact that my sister is hundreds of times more popular than me, leave people alone to compliment me on whatever they wish, rather than have to put me down all the time to balance things out because at the end of the day we are different, very different, have different qualities and the fact that I was tall and slim and she was short and a bit plump should have NOT being the focus of our relationships, trying to balance things out can be far more damaging than trying to help them accept and celebrate each other for their own strengths and qualities.

I'm sorry I also think you are over thinking this. People always comments on how babies are cute - they are! They need to be because you have to work so hard to look after them - you need those moments where you look at them and think they are adorable just so you can cope.
I think how you were brought up is affecting how you think. You seem very nice and I absolutely am not being critical of you - I am just going to provide you with a different perspective because I think you are genuinely trying to get your head around this. When I read your post what message came across to me was that you think your youngest is much better looking that your eldest. And she might be. Now. But children's faces change so much - plus more importantly - beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think my husband is the best looking man in the world - way more better looking than his brothers....but his brothers' wives think their husbands are the best looking men in the world - and that's the way it should be.
Please don't worry about this - it is truly a non issue now at this age. Yes...if its still happening when they are older - lots of posters have commented about the difficulties they have faced with this issue but you would have noticed they were all older when it happened.
Babies are cute - its too early to tell if this is an issue or not. Just enjoy your girls.

You need to address this for your DD2s sake as well OP.

As many PP have explained, children do not always grow up to be as beautiful as one might imagine. If DD2 has a confidence that comes from her appearance and by the time she is fifteen, her body and features have moulded into something less conventionally appealing, she will really suffer. I had a schoolfriend like this. She was tall, slim with big blue eyes and lovely long blonde hair. By the time we were 15 she was short, fat, and spotty with greasy hair.

Puberty is a great leveller

I think the best thing you can do from the outset is to instil in your DDs the low importance that looks have to you, that beauty comes from their persona and how they behave, and that other people are shallow if they only judge their outer looks. I know they're very tiny now, but start anyway and keep the message the same.

They probably will notice but if you make sure they place little importance on it themselves, it will hurt them less, and they'll be able to shrug off your family's shallow attitudes better.

Good luck - it's not a nice thing to deal with.

'Yes, she is cute - I think she takes after her older sister'

It's hard getting the balance right sometimes.
My youngest has DS and I find people either over enthuse about how gorgeous he is, or go the other way completely.
There is only two years between my two, and I try to make things equal between both of them. If someone comments on one, I acknowledge it but then say something positive about the other.
I totally get what you are saying.

In my experience, a "pretty" baby/toddler, doesn't necessarily result in a pretty child/teenager/adult...

For example, acquaintances of mine had a baby girl, and up until the age of about 2, she was, without a doubt, the prettiest baby/toddler I'd ever seen. Absolutely beautiful. She could have easily been a baby model.

The child is about 8-9 now, and although she's "sweet" in the way most little girls are "sweet", she by no means a beauty. If anything, her younger sister, who was a very average-looking baby/toddler, is prettier.

I feel like all these 'well, DD1 might be the prettier one when she's older!' miss the mark a bit. That's still saying the important thing is who's prettier, just that the real winner is the one who's prettier in the end. And there's some quite grim gloating over pretty children becoming ugly adults, as if they deserved to be punished for the sin of being pretty children.

Surely the point is that looks are not the really important thing and to try and avoid comparisons and competitions between the two, not to cling onto some ugly duckling idea that DD1 will definitely 'come good'?

We have this, one nice looking but fairly ordinary looking kid and one that turns heads. The model looking one is mortally embarrassed by this attention. We make sure as much as possible that they are both lives and appreciated for the people they are, and the things they do not the way they look. We’ve turned down the offer for the ‘good’ looking one to act or model too because we don’t want him thinking that looks are the most valuable thing, and he’s not naturally into that stuff anyway.
Just make sure your kids know they’re loved for their personalities.