One child more “attractive” than the other?

[Shallowhals]

Name changed for this one as I hate even typing it but would like some advice.

I have two DDs - an almost three year old and a 20 month old. I obviously think they are both fabulous in every which way.

The (horrendously shallow) issue is that people keep commenting on how “gorgeous/beautiful/pretty” my youngest is and it’s really starting to rub me up the wrong way. We were at a family party yesterday and three people commented at different times and two of those times my older DD was present.

I’m worried she’s starting to notice and I’m not sure how to handle it. Last week her little sister was pretending to talk to her nana on an imaginerary phone, I thought it was adorable and I did say “oh you’re so cute” and DD1 came running out of the living room to exclaim “I’m cute too!” Which of course I told her she was. Generally I try hard to not comment on personal appearance, instead complimenting them on being clever/funny/kind but I fear it’s only a matter of time before they realise that society ranks girls on their appearance more than any other attribute and this saddens me.

I come from a shallow family. Appearance matters enormously. My own mother, who is wonderful with the DC and even tends to favour DD1 if anything, is even guilty of going on about DD2s appearance, so there’s no escaping this.

I only intend on having two DC and I fear them being so close in age will amplify the comparisons and could cause irreparable damage to DD1s self esteem if I don’t handle this properly. I fear their own relationship will be consumed with rivalry too.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle this in the long run? And any advice on what to say when family/friends/strangers comment? I usually complying ignore it/change the subject but I don’t know if that’s the most effective method? Any advice much appreciated!

"As one of 7 daughters, growing up, we were always compared on our looks."

But these girls aren't being compared. People are commenting on how pretty one of them is, that's all.
I'm afraid life is like that. Some people are more attractive and they will get more attention for it.

Both my children are gorgeous 😀 however, one has blue eyes and the other brown. Everyone is always commenting on the blue eyed dc how amazing his eyes are etc

It is weird how certain features like blonde hair or blue eyes are lauded.

My mum has a thing for curly hair. She will stop children in the street and gush for hours over how beautiful their hair is. Even one poor girl about 8 years old who quite frankly had hair like a particularly bad 70’s footballer- her mum had tried to control it by gelling down the top and the back was collar length tight curls. This kid was subjected to a 15 minute lecture on how beautiful she was and her hair was so amazing and gorgeous.

This story is on the Daily Mirror homepage! Look! Are journalists on here?

Just take the compliment. All little kids are cute and do cute things. It tends to fade as they get older.

I had something like that with my in-laws. It drive me insane. Was not just beauty either. They would compliment the younger one and compare with the older one openly. I'd gently correct them where I could. Find situations to compliment their particular merits in front of the in- laws. In the end my son asked why their grandad liked his brother best. I told him that young children sometimes get this reaction from adults a bit like when we see a cute puppy. It's not that they like him best. It's the fact that he is the youngest of the family. I think that helped.

Two things...

Not really the same thing. My eldest is a red head and the only one in our family. I do worry about him getting picked on or teased for his appearance. He hasn't mentioned anything about it yet. But I've always made a big deal of telling him his hair colour is special, he's perfect as he is etc.
Red hairy is so in vogue - Inlive it and envy you your sons fab hair.

2 - My big brother was always lean and sporty, bright and very very good looking.
I was tubby, couldn’t run, catch or hit a ball, bright but not as bright as him, ok looking but nothing special - all of which was remarked upon all the time.
I was immensely proud of him, and still am.

@Mamabear12 what is the obsession with blue eyes? Everyone in my biological family on both parent's sides have blue eyes, and my dad has eight siblings so there are loads of us, blue eyes is the default to me and under never really thought about it. DH has brown eyes DS had blue eyes and almost every time I take him out I get comments from strangers about his beautiful blue eyes. Don't get me wrong he's my child of course I think he's cute, but it seems odd that is the blue eyes that come to offer and over again. If we lived in a country full of olive skinned, dark haired gorgeous people I'd get it as a difference, but surely it's just ordinary on the UK? (I'm a red head and have been to countries where people stop me and touch my hair and pasty skin).

Beauty is as much a curse as a blessing. I would be as worried about the younger one valuing herself for her beauty because other people seem to, instead of for her more important qualities. People have weird expectations of a pretty girl. Of course being plain is its own curse in our society, but at least you don’t grow up thinking you don’t need to be kind and hardworking.

I don't think pretty girls age well to be honest. Amongst the girls I went to school with, the ones who "grew into" their looks are the ones who are now the most attractive, the pretty girls' prettiness has faded. They will not always look the way they do now.

Sorry, you asked for suggestions on how to handle comments from others. I would START a conversation about nice personality traits/kindness/sense of humour etc and talk about their individual personalities in a positive way.

My sister was always the 'pretty' one having blonde curls.
I was always the 'clever' one being dark and straight haired.
I grew up feeling ugly, my sister grew up feeling thick.
Hard to manage though when it's other people making the comments though.

I have a younger sister who is most definitely a whole lot prettier then I am in size and in looks... people have commented on it in my presence and even though I was a shy girl I never felt hurt or anything by someone saying how gorgeous my sister is..

There isn’t much you can do besides complimented both of them.

I have three dds and one is very very pretty and charismatic. I genuinely think they are all beautiful though actually especially my youngest who is not conventionally pretty with sticking out ears, very gawky , invisible pale eyelashes and eyebrows and freckles, constantly looks furious. I think she's just fab.

You need to have a son op to put things into perspective.
You say that you come from a shallow family but that doesn't mean that YOU have to carry on with this mentally abusive behaviour.
Cut these evil people out of your life until they can treat your children with respect. Nip it in the bud now before you end up with 2 shallow, fake daughters loaded with mental issues.

Anyone who makes a comment about either of your children’s looks should be getting a sharp comment asking them to stop by you. It is never appropriate to comment on anyone’s looks. If they still don’t stop start commenting on their looks.

I agree with others that you can’t really tell at this age. A lot of beauties have to grow into their looks!

However whilst I think it’s ok to praise your children’s looks you should focus on their other qualities. I did some modelling (largely because i was skinny, tall & look better in photos) & my family never really focused on looks. It was much more important to them that I did well in school/sports, was polite, etc. Which helps because modelling is full of rejection & incredibly humbling!

My sister: Blonde straight long hair, blue eyes, large lips/mouth, straight teeth, beautiful skin, very slim, long nails.

Me: Brown wavy hair, a bit plump, tiny mouth, hazel eyes, acne, bitten nails.

I lived in my sisters shadow all my life. She died a few years ago, which, whilst terrible and tragic, was somehow also very freeing.

I have one younger sister. She had curly blonde hair and deep blue eyes and lots of people commented on her angelic face. Having freckles, people would pityingly say to me "Well, you'll be beautiful when you grow up." I was very affected by the difference in how we were both treated, especially between the ages of 10 and 16. I think all you can do is treat both your daughters the same, and emphasise to them both the qualities they have that are not looks related. That way, hopefully their self worth will be more tied up in the qualities that matter, and not how they look.

It is weird how certain features like blonde hair or blue eyes are lauded.

I agree, having blonde hair may make you more conventionally attractive but it doesn’t mean you have a beautiful face. A beautiful/handsome face is beautiful regardless of what hair/eye colour they have.

I have 2 DDs and luckily they are both as attractive asa each other. One however is much more academically successful and I know he youngest finds it hard following behind. She is bright too but has other fabulous, all round qualities so we always praise her for those . It is hard raising DC of the same sex at times.

Like a previous poster, all my (large) family are blue eyed (of various shades). DH's mum is blue eyed but his dad was dark eyed. DH has browny/hazel eyes, his siblings are mixed blue and various shades of brown/hazel. My mum was extremely miffed when DC1 had blue eyes as she thought with DH being darker she'd finally get a dark eyed grandchild for a change :o DC2 followed along with grey/hazelly eyes so not really what she wanted either! She never said this to them btw and loved them regardless... :o

It seems more common that 2nd children are prettier/more handsome, I noticed it with friends children before having my own and now i have 2 dd's it's the youngest who's more classically pretty and has more people comment on her appearance.

I haven't ever asked people not to but I make sure I praise them both equally on everything ranging from education, kindness, looks, working hard etc

I would say something very matter of fact like "yes I'm very lucky to have 2 such beautiful daughters" with eye contact for as long as it takes for them to get it.

As they get older and are sentient beings fewer people comment on looks at all as it’s weird and over personal. People comment on toddlers to be polite really.

I love blonde hair. I darkened to mouse. I am told by hairdressers lightening my hair that I'm almost there (blonde) naturally but I would love to be my childhood blonde naturally.

I think it's because blonde hair is pretty rare,so it's more prized. I'm even charmed by naturally blonde men and women who would otherwise be quite plain.

This thread has made me realise how such inane comments can be so harmful. I was compared to someone recently and it ruined my evening. Why do people have to be compared (to their faces) and everything remarked upon?

A child doesn't need to be constantly told they're gorgeous or smart but you don't want to go too far the other way either. If you are proud of recent academic achievements or they've dressed up nicely then I think a parent should say.