Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

488 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 15:45

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

OP posts:
Mabellavender · 11/05/2019 20:28

Dh would always go to the bar for us but I would go to the bar myself if I wanted to.

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 20:28

russianoak
any reason for your rudeness?
Are you feeling jealous or something? Why are you that bothered? It's lovely to be treated like a princess, some of us are just lucky

mojitoclock · 11/05/2019 20:29

russianoak - there is nothing wrong with being clear about your expectations in men.

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 20:32

Pamela lots of us have no desire to be treated like a princess. I'd much prefer to be treated as an equal. I stopped playing princesses a long, long time ago.

I'm actually very lucky to have found someone who shares my feminist ideals who treats me with respect and love. I'd take that over 'team princess' any day of the week.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/05/2019 20:35

Which one tonight, the emeralds or just plain diamonds? Must match the ballgown

OP, diamonds dahlink 😁

Let the fiercely independents get on with it, each to their own. I can't be asked with people fighting to show they're independent, in a relationship what's wrong with interdependent? Which most people are really. Pointscoring is boring.

DP would've got my drink in the circs you describe so I get what you mean.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/05/2019 20:35

Dh always goes to the bar. He is tall and can be seen at the bar. I am short and middle aged and much less likely to get service.

I'm also no good at carrying drinks around people much taller than me somewhere busy. The amount of times I've been knocked in the face or had my drink spilled is numerous.

We all play to our strengths in relationship. I have plenty of strengths but getting drinks, lifting stuff down from cupboards and negotiating round people much taller than me isn't one of them.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/05/2019 20:37

I always pay the bill for dinner when it comes (joint account). That's a sitting down activity Wink

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 20:38

CostanzaG
but the difference with a lot of posters on here is that "team princess" doesn't have any opinion on how you chose to live your life and doesn't need to make negative judgements.

I don't see how my husband treating me with old fashion manners is showing anything else than respect.

I might be equal, (or technically their boss) I don't need to pretend to be one of the lads when I am out with men. I don't need to act or be treated like one of the guys. I am not a guy.

Don't get me wrong, if I wasn't allowed to order drinks at the bar myself for being female, I would be the 1st to start a riot about it. I am free to do as I please, and I using that freedom.

sanmiguel · 11/05/2019 20:40

I don't go to the bar either when DH is about. Neither do I drive at the weekend. We do however have shared finances. We both work full time and have our own contributions to the relationship but going to the bar or pouring my wine, for whatever reason, isn't my job!! I'm happy with our (probably sexist) roles.

Happyspud · 11/05/2019 20:40

Urgh. Going nowhere. We’re all going nowhere.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 11/05/2019 20:41

OP I'm with you.
Although if your DH is anything like mine then hints go straight over his head and I would have to ask him to get me a drink, if I waited for him to be "husbandly" I'd end up very thirsty Grin
I don't think there's nothing wrong in being a princess - contrary to popular opinion so it seems!
Keep princess-ing!

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 11/05/2019 20:42

I never go to the bar if I am with my dh, you don't buy a dog and then bark yourself

Ahh my people. Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/05/2019 20:44

Why are some of you just so rude? You know nothing, absolutely nothing about the way other relationships are. You judge women and then expect them to respond to you in a meaningful way.

We have separate finances, I'm the main wage earner and I don't go to pubs. I don't drink alcohol. I put myself in the OP's shoes because I can, my mind is flexible enough to do that. I'm not a princess-type person at all but I can understand the pleasure of being 'on par' with your peers when all the other female partners are having their drinks delivered to them.

I go to the bar to order food though for work, myself and/or my colleagues, doesn't matter which. What does it matter?

The patriarchy has absolutely nothing to fear from women because women will not be content until they've destroyed any sense of sisterhood. I wouldn't want to be standing at the bar with some of the posters on this thread because you're just really unpleasant.

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 20:46

thinking about it, it's also DH's job to take the rubbish and the bins out.

I think it dates from my 1st pregnancy, and we've never really revisited it or thought about it.
Bins still get dealt with when he is away, but definitively a man's job when he is around. Team princess all the way Grin

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 20:47

Pamela this isn't about acting like one of the lads. Walking to the bar to buy a round of drinks isn't 'laddish' behaviour. It's a normal activity which isn't gender specific.

The problem with 'old fashioned manners' is they are inherently misogynistic. Why not just manners? I happily go to the bar when out alone or with female friends - why should my behaviour change when I'm with my DH or my male friends? I buy my friends drinks ....it would make me rude ( and imo hypocritical) if I didn't do the same for my DH.

In my experience ( both personal and through research) is that men who hold old fashioned views in one aspect of their lives often hold them across the piece.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 11/05/2019 20:48

Wow reading some of the comments on here is hilarious, it's like feminism on steroids 😂
Just because believing men and women have separate but equal roles in society and having an expectation of being treated in a chivalrous manner, does not equate to being treated with disrespect. Hmm
When a man experiences half of what a woman goes through in her lifetime then maybe I'll consider being one of the lads but for now I'll sit back with my crown held high Wink

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 20:48

Think you’ve ripped the arse of saying ^team princess ,I think you’re saying it to get a rise

EggAndButter · 11/05/2019 20:49

I must be part of this strange group of people who is clearly ‘Fighting to be independent’.

It never even came to my mind that there could be some rule about me not going to get a drink. Or that working for DH to get me drink wouod make a princess etc..

I don’t know. We drink, we finish our drinks and ask each other if we want another. And then one of use gets up. Confused

No fight, no scramble for independence, just two persons spending time together ConfusedConfused

MaybeitsMaybelline · 11/05/2019 20:49

We have joint finances. I do a lot at home, probably more than my fair share. As a result DH is under no illusions that his jobs are unequivocally, driving and the bar.

I don’t expect much but these are mine. I’m not a princess, he goes to golf , rugy and football when he wants. I wash, clean and cook without help, have a career and earn an ok salary.

I spend what I want (“his money” as well as “my money”) but I absolutely don’t do driving on days out or stand at the bar.

I think I am easy to please. Tbh, I CBA doing either but DH obviously knows he is on to a good thing still.

I earn a third of him 40k V 120k. We have been married 25 years, my friends are all the same, works for us 🤷‍♀️

We just do different stuff. It helps of course that he doesn’t drink much, is used to entertaining clients and likes driving. Just like i am house proud, like cooking and like a drink 😀

SomewhereInbetween1 · 11/05/2019 20:52

Just get yourself a drink FFs. Honestly you're being so bloody precious.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/05/2019 20:52

Oh god I do all the driving. I'd never let him drive, he's nowhere near as good a driver as me.

blackteasplease · 11/05/2019 20:53

I think it's nice to make a fuss of your partner sometimes. If he could see the other men buying foe their girlfriends /partners it wouldn't have taken much to realise that he could make you feel wanted and valued by going for you.

Just as I'm sure you often do things for him to show him he means alot to you.

ilovepixie · 11/05/2019 20:53

When out with my DH I never go to the bar. He always goes and pays.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 20:56

None of my female friends remain seated whilst their dp goes to the bar
They have no problem being seen or heard at a bar.they don’t need or expect a man to order drinks

YouBumder · 11/05/2019 20:57

I have no problem going to the bar but my husband would probably have gone.

How do the independent finances work eating out? Do you pay for your own or take it in turns?

I don’t understand the attitude that just because you’re married you should give up all financial independence

I don’t think having a joint bank account means that at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread