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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

488 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 15:45

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 21:00

Eating out,we split the bill Each pay what We eat and drink
I don’t split the bill,there’s no joint credit card so each pay own share

Bluntness100 · 11/05/2019 21:00

God this is so cringe worthy. "I'm a woman, so if a man is present, I won't go get a drink he has to do it for me"

I don't know any woman who won't stand a round or go get her own drink and expects a man to do it for them

It's like the bullshit of a man needs to pay for our dates, to make me feel all girly and "treated"

And if I did know any woman like this I'm fairly sure I wouldn't socialise with them or them me.

And trust me, I'm all good with that.

mrsmuddlepies · 11/05/2019 21:02

Sorry, haven't read every post but I am completely shocked by the number of posters who cannot go up to the bar because they are princesses and a Lady.
To those posters, where do you stand on same sex marriages and relationships? Do you think they have to hire a man to do bar duty?
Place marking really. I cannot believe some attitudes on this thread.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 21:02

When dating no man ever paid for me,I paid my own share
To extent of changing a venue To more affordable so we could split cost

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 21:03

misspolly who says it's about being one of the lads? I have missed something?? Does buying a round of drinks make me 'laddish'??

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 21:06

Ahh a real lady is coquettish doesn’t go to bar and laddish woman is masculine at the bar
A lady would be unable to go to the bar.cant be seen/heard/it’s too busy etc

Happyspud · 11/05/2019 21:09

I hope all these women who expect their husband to always do the bar run make sure to always cook and serve him his dinner.

W0man · 11/05/2019 21:09

I think its a class issue. Working class the men go to the bar, buy the drinks, as the women are sitting chatting together sipping their sherrys/babychams.

I'm about as working class as they get and I don't see this as a majority when we're out with other couples.

The men end up drinking with each other while the women end up in their own little group. The odd one had a husband who will randomly plonk a drink in front of her, but they'll have finished theirs long before their husband has finished their pint and ends up with the other women buying her one until her husband has finished his and plonks her one when he goes to the bar.

I'd be waiting all night if I relied on dh to notice my glass getting empty, We go out with other couple friend maybe once or twice a year and he likes to catch up with them, wouldn't expect him to be monitoring my glass to get me another when he still has over half of his drink left. Well ask each other if they want one when either of go unless we see they already have over left.

There's a few couples who treat themselves as one using though and the wife never takes a turn in a round. Starts with me buying the four of us a drink, then my dh buys the fours if us a drink, then her dh buys the four of a drink and then she'll go to me "can I have a xxx next time you go instead of wine please". She does this a lot though, sharing taxi fares for eg, there'll be four of us but she counts herself and her dh as one meaning other couples subsidise her travel and drinking

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 11/05/2019 21:10

@costanzaG it doesn't make you laddish, but in my view and other PPs it is nice to be treated as a lady, waited on etc not just as one of the lads on a night out.
Especially as every other bloke in there seemed to get the gist.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 21:11

I don’t know anyone who’d consider himself a bloke.or treat how dp like a princess

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 21:14

Eating out,we split the bill Each pay what We eat and drink
I don’t split the bill,there’s no joint credit card so each pay own share

who said romance was dead hey Grin

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 21:15

misspolly why is it important to be treated like a lady? What does that involve? You expect to be waited on by men? Why?
What about two adults treating each other with mutual respect. My DH works as hard as I do. He deserves to be treated well too. Why should I get treated better than he does?

W0man · 11/05/2019 21:17

If it's just me and dh well take it turns. I hate getting up and going, he hates getting up and going.

Finances have varied so even he's the main earner and I'm unemployed he might pay but I do my share of going to the bar cos we both hate it, especially when it's busy.

I can't imagine sitting there with an empty glass and waiting for him to finish. If he has all the money and just ask him for some so I could go the bar and ask if he wanted while I was there or if he was just gonna go when he's finished his drink.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 21:18

What has paying a bill got to do with romance.its a perfunctory task
Do you associate romance with a financial transaction,if he pays more is that romance?
Do you measure romance by expenditure?in that case Donald trump is probably v romantic as a big spender

SallyWD · 11/05/2019 21:18

I'm really surprised by this. My husband and I take it in turns to go to the bar. It has honestly never occurred to either of us that he should always go because he's a man. I've often heard that women get served quicker at bars so if anyone has to go based on their sex it makes more sense for the woman to go. We'll continue to take it in turns.

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 21:19

Why should I get treated better than he does?
who said "better"? Differently will do. We haven't got the same body, strength or weaknesses. being equal in rights and having similar income doesn't make us the same.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 21:21

To me romance isn’t a financial act,it’s not the sterotypical big spend
It’s a spontaneous,kind act from a partner.unrelated to expenditure
And if I want a meal out etc I don’t expect it to be paid for,why would I?

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 21:22

LipstickHandbagCoffee
i cannot think of anything worst than bothering to split a bill in 2 every time we go out for a start. How petty. It's join finances with my own DH.
If nothing else, it doesn't matter who earns more at any given time. All our money goes to our kids anyway nowadays, so it's a moot point.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 11/05/2019 21:23

@costanzag because that's my expectation.
Mutual respect and chivalry do go hand in hand, there is nothing at all wrong with it either.
An example of why? Well until my DH can experience pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menstruation and menopause then I see myself as superior( in a nice way) and to be treated with respect and a manner of my liking. He chose me to marry, to have children with but besides working/housework/parenting what really can he do? He can get up and buy my damn drink, he can open a door for me, he can let me be in charge of finances, home decor, future plans and so on.

Bluntness100 · 11/05/2019 21:23

I hope all these women who expect their husband to always do the bar run make sure to always cook and serve him his dinner

And wash their pants obviously.

And treating someone like a lady is not about buying you a drink. It's about treating you with respect, like an equal and not expecting you to wash his pants and cook his dinner, or clean his skid marks off the toilet, whilst he throws you a drink in return on an occasional night out,

I know which version of being treated like a lady I prefer.

Bluntness100 · 11/05/2019 21:25

he can let me be in charge of finances, home decor, future plans and so on

Let you? Are you serious?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 21:25

You honestly can’t think of anything worse?really. The act of splitting a bill is so deeply uncomfortable

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 21:27

LipstickHandbagCoffee
if your relationship is all about splitting pennies, no, it doesn't sound like something I would bother with. Each to their own

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 21:30

Pamela buying a drink isn't a strength!!! But sitting there expecting a man to do that most definitely is a weakness

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 21:31

And treating someone like a lady is not about buying you a drink. It's about treating you with respect, like an equal and not expecting you to wash his pants and cook his dinner, or clean his skid marks off the toilet, whilst he throws you a drink in return on an occasional night out,

wow
some posters have very strange ideas

I'd say the opposite is true, someone treating his wife like a lady would be the last person to act like that. I haven't ever bothered with relationships where men treated women like dirt to be fair, so maybe I am wrong. But either you are respectful and a gentleman or you are not. In all aspects.

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