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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

488 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 15:45

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 11/05/2019 19:39

I still can't think of one valid reason why I should.

To return the favour of the person having done it for you.

Why is it you think men should?

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 19:40

Why puma? Why is standing at a bar with men an issue?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 11/05/2019 19:41

I hate standing at the bar with men.

Oh the irony! 😂😂😂

You know, if you and your female friends went to the bar you would be standing at the bar with women!

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 19:43

team princess urgh.....sounds like a team name thought up by a bunch of 5 year olds.

Rangeloaf · 11/05/2019 19:43

How would you feel if your husband expected you to do all the cooking and cleaning as ‘that’s what women do’?

It’s 2019

mabelsgarden · 11/05/2019 19:44

@PamelaX

There's nothing wrong with 'wanting to be treated like a princess' (though I am cringing at those who say this.) Confused But if you choose to remain in a marriage or relationship where you have totally separate finances, you can't complain when your DH/DP pops off to the bar for his drinks, and leaves you to get your own.

The OP seems content to be in a relationship with separate finances, then complains when her partner doesn't buy her a drink. It doesn't add up. She needs to make up her mind what she wants!

IME, anyone who wants to have separate finances (and in the couples I know who do this; it's ALWAYS the man,) is not usually totally invested in the relationship or marriage anyway. So it doesn't surprise me that he can't be arsed to get the woman's drink. Even me and my friends and work colleagues buy each other drinks, and sometimes pay when we go for a costa, so it makes me cringe when I hear of married couples totally paying separately all the time for EVERYTHING. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wanted to do this.

I'm sure lots of women will come on here and tell me about how they LOVE to pay for themselves, and about the 6 figure salary they have, and how terribly successful they are in their career, and how they are on WAY more money than their partner/husband, but in the vast majority of cases, the man is the higher earner.

There are quite a few women on this thread posting some priceless comments. They want equality and fairness towards women; when it suits them. It makes for cringeworthy reading!

@ihatehashtags

I don't know many couples with separate finances either. Very few actually. The majority pool their finances, and they range from both couples who are 'high tax band' professionals, to couples where one earns 4 times more than the other. And the ones I know who DO have separate fiances, don't have very strong, solid, close relationships.

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 19:46

How would you feel if your husband expected you to do all the cooking and cleaning as ‘that’s what women do’?

if I did agree with him and married him because we shared the same ideas, I would be quite happy, why do you ask?

Even in 2019 women are free to enjoy being homemakers. None of your business I am afraid.

mabelsgarden · 11/05/2019 19:47

last line is obviously meant to read 'separate finances, not fiances!!!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 19:48

The ladies never get up. It’s not that we can’t. It’s that we never have to.
Are you in a Martina Cole movie. All the lil ladies sitting whilst their fella treat the pwincess well

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 19:51

Yes Pamela women are free to make their own choices but we're talking about expectations here.... You expect men to treat you like a princess what stopping the men in your life expecting you to adhere to gender stereotypes too?

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 19:53

You expect men to treat you like a princess what stopping the men in your life expecting you to adhere to gender stereotypes too?

intelligence?
normal people in real life can see a bit further than pure stereotypes Smile

lazylinguist · 11/05/2019 20:01

It's obviously totally fine for husbands and wives to do kind things for each other, but I am absolutely baffled at how pathetic it sounds when grown women feel unhappy at the idea of standing next to men at a bar, want to be treated like princesses wearing tiaras, or wear shoes unsuitable for walking across a room in.

I am independent but hate all that double standard feminist bullshit!

The only people with double standards on this thread are the ones claiming to be independent but wanting their husbands to treat them like pwincesses.

Also I fail to see what separate finances have to do with it. Take it in turns to go to the bar, using joint money or your own money, whichever. Maybe the person who earns less goes to the bar less often, but not never ever!

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 20:06

Not according to this thread ..... So a women should expect a man to adhere to outdated stereotypes but intelligence stops it working the other way around? That doesn't make sense.

It's nice to be polite and courteous but that shouldn't specifically be a male trait. We should all be doing that regardless of gender.

Yabbers · 11/05/2019 20:08

DH generally would go to the bar, especially if it’s busy. Nothing to do with him being husbandly, more to do with the fact he is much taller than my short arse and can actually be seen by the bar staff.

slashlover · 11/05/2019 20:12

I hate standing at the bar with men.

So do all the princesses never go to the pub with just their female friends? What happens then if going to the bar to order is such a chore and is hated so much? Do they just only go out with their DPs?

mojitoclock · 11/05/2019 20:13

OP, I’ve only skimmed the thread, but I would say that your situation is highly unusual from where I’m standing. Very unusual indeed! I can 100% say I have NEVER seen couples pay separately for drinks or dinner. Confused I can’t think of any man I know - this is all the DHs of anyone I can think of - who would sit there and let their wife go to the bar. It’s always the men who do this or pay for dinner (even though it’s joint money anyway). We are all in our 40s too. I don’t know a man who isn’t a gent in this way. DH will always get the car door; help me out if I’m in heels; get my drinks; sort the bill etc etc. Everuones FH is the same, I wouldn’t put up with anything less and I find a lack of manners and gentlemanly behaviour the biggest turn off in a man. There is actually nothing worse. I wouid be livid in your shoes. He shouldn’t need you to explain this to him. What is wrong with him? Is he missing some faculties?

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 20:14

I'm a bit baffled by the amount of people claiming to be too short to be seen by bar staff.....are you really tiny or are you going to places with tall bars???? I'm quite short and have never had a issue being seen or getting served and neither has my even shorter friend.
Bizarre

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 20:16

CostanzaG

you are free to think some things are outdated, I disagree.
What shows on this thread is that, as usual, it's only one type of posters who judge the others and feel entitled to make ridiculous comments because they make other choices.

Are they so insecure, are they jealous? Why do they get so worked up by some of us who like men to get our drinks? It's odd.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 20:17

Unless your 2ft and can’t see over the counter why can’t you go to bar
Going to a bar isn’t an inherently male task,no specific male skills required

mojitoclock · 11/05/2019 20:20

Of course if I’m out with girlfriends, we would go to the bar then, but we wouldn’t go in a grotty pub in the first place; it’s more likely to be a cocktail bar in which case the staff come to you. But when I’m with DH, I don’t think I’ve paid the bill or been stood at a bar in 18 years.

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 20:20

you do realise that "can" and "want" are 2 different words, don't you? Smile

NurseButtercup · 11/05/2019 20:21

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

I haven't rtft but I think you're getting a bit of a hard time.

In this moment you had a flash of the green eyed monster and wanted your DH to cater to you. I get it, there's nothing wrong with sometimes comparing yourself to other couples.

There's nothing wrong with re-evaluating & questioning decisions that you've made with your DH.

Have you discussed how this has made you feel with your DH?

mojitoclock · 11/05/2019 20:25

I’m not sure there’s much point discussing it with him. Sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh, but if he doesn’t get it by his 40s, what is there to say?

russianoak · 11/05/2019 20:25

@IAmTheChosenOne your username says it all. "I have standards"

This thread has opened my eyes, never realised there were so many lazy, incompetent and entitled women kicking about.

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 20:26

It frustrates me as an academic who studies gender stereotypes and inequality...... You might think it's harmless or that we're jealous but the reality is that attitudes like this are insidious and damaging. I have a relationship where politeness works both ways. My DH wouldn't leave me sitting there with an empty glass but similarly, I wouldn't do the same. I would be pretty pissed off if he insisted on going to the bar all night and it would never occur to me to expect that.