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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

488 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 15:45

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

OP posts:

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 11/05/2019 18:12

@ooooohbetty

Your DH thinks I shouldn't worry my pretty little head about it?

Well, what a relief. At least I'll always be able to sleep soundly knowing that I'm financially stable and independent with or without my DP, and that I won't be lost if he fucked me over because i am well accustomed to going to the bar all by myself, and even putting fuel in my own car and paying the mortgage good luck to you in that situation though! 👍

PurpleDaisies · 11/05/2019 18:14

it's women that stop feminism from ever progressing.

Exactly. By having double standards about wanting to be treated equally only when it suits them. It’s seriously depressing.

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/05/2019 18:15

I'm just lazy so my husband gets to buy drinks and order food at the bar. Happy enough to do it on my own but I do prefer waiter service.

mabelsgarden · 11/05/2019 18:16

@ilovemycatmorethanyou

YABU.

Me and DH share finances, and we have done since we got married, and whoever can be arsed to go to the bar (or whoever is closer to it) will go. I don't care and neither does he, if we go to the bar.

If you are a marriage where you have separate finances, then you can't complain when your husband expects you to get your own drink.

Call me old fashioned if you like, but I couldn't be doing with a marriage where we have separate monies. Not much of a partnership IMO. Don't get it at all. And as I say, don't complain when he makes you/lets you pay for your own shit; including drinks at the pub.

I have been out with DH before, with a couple we know, and me and DH take it in turns to get drinks for each other, and the two of them get their own separate ones. He is on 3 times the money that she is on, and it's painful to see her tipping small change out of her purse for half a lager while he necks a load of whiskey.

Me and DH felt so sorry for her the other month that when her DH went out for a smoke, we got her a big glass of wine. He earns way more than her, and boy does he like to keep that money to himself?!

Pinkarsedfly · 11/05/2019 18:19

Jsmith99 yeah! Good innit?

Let’s face it, we don’t have many fucking advantages. Seems a small one, really, in the scheme of things.

skybluee · 11/05/2019 18:21

You can be a feminist and have your partner buy you a drink! I think it's a nice, caring thing for them to do. However the key is that it's equal. You wouldn't expect him to get you a drink just because he's a man, and you not to buy him a drink because you're a woman.

I don't think it's bad you were the only woman buying your own drink. He probably thought that's what you wanted? If you're unhappy with it speak to him. To me he seemed fine, he bought you a drink, then you bought one for yourself? It was obviously the contrast that upset you.

urkidding · 11/05/2019 18:22

YANBU, you want to feel cared for. Tell him you'd like him to do this, as it makes you feel desired. It probably just hasn't occurred to him.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 11/05/2019 18:33

I have total access to all the the money I sort out all our finances, I have a job and I have a separate bank account as does dh.
I'm very independent however he'd never see me sitting there without a drink and rarely do I need to go to the bar when we're out together.
It's nothing to do with being the little woman sitting there.

TheFastandCurious · 11/05/2019 18:39

There is a difference between ‘equality’ and ‘sameness’

Sometimes couples take on separate roles according to their sex. Because there are differences between us. Achieving political, social and economical power doesn’t have to die on the hill of ‘who goes to the bar’.

ooooohbetty · 11/05/2019 18:45

@ralphfromlordoftheflies he didn't really say that. I was only joking.

kyles101 · 11/05/2019 18:57

@ILoveMaxiBondi the comment was entirely tongue in cheek but mainly because I think the issue has been blown well out of proportion.

I'm a higher rate taxpayer, very successful in my career, do not need anyone to do anything for me, I'm quite capable and can pay anyone for anything I can't do (for example fix my car - although dh does that shocker!! Or make a wedding cake for balance). My dh runs his own business and is equally successful. We are completely equal in every way that matters in our relationship. However I am also female, and in possession of a vagina as people are using for impact. This means I am sometimes more emotional as I have hormone fluctuations. This is to facilitate the continuation of the human race. I spend all day being "tough" at work, why would I want to at home all the time. Does feminism also mean you can't honour the softer side of being female too?

My (male) boss offered to go and get me lunch the other day because in 5 months pregnant, I didn't have a coat and it was raining... is this sexist? Should I have said no? What if it was a female colleague that had offered?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 11/05/2019 19:03

I spend all day being "tough" at work, why would I want to at home all the time.

Going to the bar isn’t tough. it’s just, umm, walking and carrying. You don’t need to fire anyone on the way there.

RottnestFerry · 11/05/2019 19:04

My wife orders whatever she wants.

I settle the tab.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 11/05/2019 19:07

And what if the man also spent all day being “tough” at work? Maybe he wants to honour the softer side of his masculinity at home and the bar.

kyles101 · 11/05/2019 19:10

🙄 I was talking more generally. Controversy alert - I wouldn't be attracted so someone that was as feminine / had as soft a side as I did. Shocker!

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 19:13

Maybe he wants to honour the softer side of his masculinity at home and the bar.

then he can

It's only the so-called "independent feminists" on this thread who are taking other people's life very personally. I like old-fashion chivalry and men getting my drinks, I don't give 2 hoots if you get your own drinks and your partner's whilst you are there. It's only other posters who seem to think that my personal choices insult their ancestors and betrays the entire sisterhood.

Really not that bothered, I am team princess

SilverySurfer · 11/05/2019 19:24

PurpleDaisies
Exactly. By having double standards about wanting to be treated equally only when it suits them. It’s seriously depressing.

Totally agree. It seems some are slipping back in a time warp. You'll be covering your piano legs with modesty panels soon.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 11/05/2019 19:29

Controversy alert - I wouldn't be attracted so someone that was as feminine / had as soft a side as I did. Shocker!

I never said anything about them being as feminine or as soft as you. I said honour the softer side of his masculinity. Which according If applied the same way as you honouring the softer side of being female involves not fetching drinks from a bar. So if the two of you have had a day of being tough at work, no-one is getting drinks that evening. fairs fair.

then he can

Yep. No drinks for anyone.

Really not that bothered, I am team princess

Team lazy.

JonSnowsFurCoat · 11/05/2019 19:30

I’m with you op. I’ve never had to get myself a drink when I’ve been out with my husband. He’ll always ask when he goes up if I’d like one. He usually drinks a lot quicker and more than me, so gets in there first.

Also, when we go out as a family, either my dad, or dh or my brother will get the drinks for everyone. The ladies never get up. It’s not that we can’t. It’s that we never have to.

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 19:35

quite

I don't have to stand at a bar to order a round of drink to prove that I can achieve everything as well as my DH. We are way past needing to prove the point. Men hold the doors, go into restaurants first, get the drinks, pay for diner. It's nice. Somehow we manage to go to the same places without men

ILoveMaxiBondi · 11/05/2019 19:35

It’s that we never have to.

Or want to. Or think you should.

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 19:36

Or want to. Or think you should
I still can't think of one valid reason why I should. You do as you please.

puma84 · 11/05/2019 19:37

I'm with you op. I just nudge dh when my glass is empty and he go get me a new one.

I hate standing at the bar with men.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 11/05/2019 19:39

Men hold the doors, go into restaurants first, get the drinks, pay for diner. It's nice.

What’s nice about it being specifically a man? I’ve (I’m a woman) done all these things for female friends, as they have for me. It’s nice when someone is courteous and/or treats you to dinner, the person treating being a man doesn’t make it nicer, does it? why can’t you do the nice things for your husband?

Ihatehashtags · 11/05/2019 19:39

I find it so odd there are so many Pepin MN that have separate finances. Is it a British thing? Absolutely no one I know has separate finances but I live in Australia.

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