To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

[ilovemycatmorethanyou]

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

I think its more about the person being thoughtful. If I has asked dp but he didnt want one he might say no thanks but I'll get you one.( but I wouldve expect that) Or couldve been the other way round. I know Im capable if going to the bar, opening doors etc but its just a thoughtful loving gesture for someone else to do it.

Polly I’m not going to knock your Lancelot off his steed or make you go to the bar
So yea meow

@Lipstick glad to hear it cos I'm currently sat on my arse waiting for DH to return with some good grub for me as I'm bedbound from PGP.
Good old Lancelot on his steed, adhering to his queen

Given the number of bankers who pay megabucks to dominatrices, I am sceptical that if a woman likes to be sexually dominated or 'taken care of,' it translates directly into workplace inequality.

Me and DP have shared finances ish. House and living costs into joint and then our own money which we would use in a pub. We take it in turns, he goes to get a round, then I get us one.

This is us unless we're going for a meal and then it comes out of the joint account card, except DH doesn't know the PIN on his joint account so I always pay with my (joint account) card so he looks like a kept man

Just get yourself a drink

It reminds me of having dinner with a group. My partner was drinking beer and me wine. The unopened wine was in the cooler in front of me so I reached for it, opened the screw top and went to pour. I felt a hand on me, another female diner circa 70 years said quietly "we don't pour the wine, the men do that"

We have a joint account and two separate accounts. Which one we use on nights out really isn't discussed, it's which card comes first.

When we go to thr bar, he will tell the bar tender what he wants, and I will say what I want. Generally we open a tab and pay at the end of the night. But even if we don't, Who pays is really irrelevant to us, it's a simple transaction and not one either of us see as gender specific.

For us it's not about the money, and I'm not sure this thread is either, it's about who physically goes to the bar, and as I've been frequenting them since I was fifteen, to one extent or another, I'm perfectly capable and do go and get a round in.

I really struggle to comprehend how him going all the time is in some way treating me like a princess, or any man going to the bar is treating someone like a princess, it's going to the bar, not shovelling coal.

As said though what I find disturbing is the women who read so much into this, also tend to be the ones who are expected to wash their partner's clothes, iron them, do the cleaning, serve up their dinner etc, so there is a much wider dynamic there and it doesn't scream treating the female like a princess. But I guess if that's what it takes for those women to try to reconcile it, then so be it.

It's simply not for me. My husband treats me like a lady, and for me that means treating me with respect. As an equal. I don't wash his pants, I don't do the cleaning, I'm not subservient to him in any way.

I think respect means something different to everyone.

I have actually just asked my OH why he thinks he always goes to the bar when we are out. He gave the following reasons. One is when we are in one place for any length of time he drinks faster than me and always wants another drink before I do. He also said when we go for a night out in town and go to lots of different packed pubs when we walk in he goes to the bar and I go to source seats because I'm better at that than him. He also pointed out that he pays when we go out (as previously discussed/mocked earlier in the thread) so it's easier. See, no big deal.

I always ask DH to get drinks from a bar, because I find he is tall and gets served far quicker than I do. We have a joint account, so who pays for it is irrelevant. I agree with OP!

I don’t get all this chivalry is dead and we have to do everything ourselves as women. It’s a partnership - which means looking after each other as one unit. DH doesn’t like taking clothes back to shops, so I do it for him, because it doesn’t bother me. Why both of you end up doing everything yourself, including all the things you don’t like - when you can divide the tasks and you both can do the ones you like?

I’m genuinely stunned by this. I didn’t realize so many people needed to be treated like “ princesses” and can’t walk to a bar! I did notice this once, when out with my brother and then wife, and two other couples, back in the small town I’m from. My dh and I thought it hilarious that it was always the men going to the bar, and he fell into line. Don’t think I felt any more princessy that day than other! I do think it’s a bit pathetic to be honest. My sons may not dance attendance on a woman on a bar, because it’s not an attitude they’ve ever seen, but they are also unlikely to expect their partner to do all the cooking and cleaning, because the mans job in our house. If any future female partner has a problem with that - seriously, it’ll be her loss.

What do you happen if you’re out with single female friends as a couple? Do they have to get their own round in while the men get all the others? Or would your dh have to pay for any woman in the vicinity? Or are you never in the bar with a single friend?

“what I find disturbing is the women who read so much into this, also tend to be the ones who are expected to wash their partner's clothes, iron them, do the cleaning, serve up their dinner etc, so there is a much wider dynamic there and it doesn't scream treating the female like a princess.”

I’m not at all sure this is true actually.

I think a man who trusts his wife as a skivvy is actually less likely to be a gentleman out and about.

The going to the bar thing is not about money (for most couples the money is all one and the same anyway). I find it very depressing that some posters seem unable to interpret thos in any other way or comprehend the concept of a gesture.

Put it this way, if you got caught in a rainstorm without a coat, wouid your DH give you his? I hope so Or wouid you stand there having an equality debate about male / female body heat ratios?

Or if your DH found you carrying heavy bags, would you not expect him to take them from you? Would you expect his mentality to be, “Oh well she wouid have to carry the bags if I wasn’t here, so no need to do this for her.”

The getting the drinks in is simply another manifestation of gentlemanly behaviour.

I personally appreciate that DH is a gent. I think it reveals an inherent integrity and self-respect I’m a man.

No he does not expect me to act like s skivvy. Nor do any of my friends husbands expect them to be skivvys either and they are all gentleman, I would say. Quite the opposite, we all have cleaners . However, there are certain gestures that I will make for him - such as I do serve him dinner. I may serve him breakfast too. This is not “disturbing.” I don’t experience this as demeaning, any more than he would feel demeaned by getting my drinks or opening a door for me or getting my coat.

A lot of women in MN seem to be very threatened by this kind of dynamic, but as long as there is mutual respect in a relationship, you can take different roles and to us, it seems completely natural to do so. A partner should enhance your life and yes, make you feel special and I think it’s s shame that a lot if women can’t see there’s so much more to this than who does the laundry or 50/50 this and that or whatever. There is so much more to life!

^^ this

There is so much wrong across so many of these posts but it’s deeply deeply engrained so I can’t even begin to unpick them. I just hope the next generation does better for women.

A PP asked me why I was attributing so much to a nice gesture and i have been thinking.

On so many posts on here discussing the glass ceiling, wifework, pay gap, why girls aren't going into STEM careers, it's repeatedly said that people are constrained by societal expectations, even without realising it.

This sort of thing, whilst seeming harmless, perpetuates societal expectations that men "do" and "be seen" and women don't. It's more significant than you think, because it all adds up.

honeylulu is right. This may seem like a small issue but people who adhere to one gender stereotype rarely stop at one....it's part of what they believe is right and correct behaviour and has been influenced by a society where women can still find themselves at a disadvantage.

I'm surprised that so many women don't/refuse to understand why it's an issue and why so many of us are shocked that this attitude still exists.

Traditionally this wasn't about men treating their wives 'like princesses' it was about control and womens place in society. Women couldn't buy their own drinks, weren't financially independent and we're seen as their husband's property. It wasn't about chivalry and 'team Princess' is was patriarchy.

It's just been given the Hollywood treatment and we've been conditioned to believe it's romantic.

In my experience men who refer to their partners as princess tend to be controlling, misogynistic and, in some cases, emotionally abusive.

Or maybe women get more tired than men for various reasons (exercise decreases our NEAT far more than men; hormonal changes as we enter the luteal phase of our cycle; we require more sleep than men but do we get it?; we are the only ones who breastfeed; etc etc) and good men appreciate this and think nothing of fetching us a drink while we sit?

My husband always brings me coffee in bed, to let me sleep just that bit more. This is not sinister. It's love.

Put it this way, if you got caught in a rainstorm without a coat, wouid your DH give you his?

He’d probably offer. That’s not because he’s a man and I’m a woman. I’d do the same for him.

Or if your DH found you carrying heavy bags, would you not expect him to take them from you?

Why would I need him to? If he had a free hand he’d offer to share the load, just as I’d do the same for him.

There’s nothing wrong with people being kind to each other. The problem is when it’s done because that’s how men and women are supposed to behave.

It depends on communicating what you want, really.

I quite like many aspects of our respective gender roles, the more nice and traditional frivolous stuff like this, but would draw the line at it negatively impacting me - I know this is having the cake and eating it too before anyone points it out.

If you want DH to get the drinks that evening, just quietly tell him so, he will probably be happy to oblige. It's not brain surgery

But mojito this isn't about a gesture in most cases.....it's the expectation . A number of posters have said they expect men to go to the bar for them all of the time just because they are women.

My DH is gent and does all the things you have listed but he does that for anyone - male or female.

I don't expect or want to be treated like a princess. I'm perfectly capable of getting my own drinks . Yes it's a nice gesture when DH gets them just like it's a nice gesture I when I do. I object to the idea that it's manly or laddish to go to the bar and that a womens place is to be waited on all night.

rivers if I'm tired and need extra sleep then I get it and DH is happy to let me lie in. I do the same for him.

Walking to the bar is hardly strenuous exercise and even when I was sleep deprived with a newborn I still managed it.

Constanza - I think this debate goes round in circles because women, such as yourself, think they need to continually point out the origins of chivalrous behaviour and the wider impact through the centuries. It’s as if you think, “Well if these women could just SEE it for what it really is....l

The thing is, women who appreciate chivalry in a man probably do “see” and know this already. No need to explain - really there is not. The difference is, I don’t see it as a binary situation.

It’s all about balance and all about context. The balance being that if you obliterate all gender- associated behaviours as “the patriarchy = repressive” then wouid women actually be happier with the alternative? I have to be honest and tell you that I wouid find a gender- neutral society equally repressive really. Just repressive in a different way in that it limits expression and a certain psychological / sexual dynamic that comes naturally to many men and women.

So the contradiction for women is that yes, they want equality in the workplace etc, but most may still instinctively gravitate towards certain gender stereotypes in the personal sphere and respond to certain stereotypically “masculine” behaviours. Yes a lot of this is unconscious and “conditioning” - of course it is. We all understand that. But it runs deeper than that too because what attracts you to a man is instinctive. You can’t tell people how they should feel or who / what they “should” be attracted to.

mojito women like me......
I'm an academic who studies and researches equality - specifically gender equality.

Nobody is suggesting a gender neutral society but there is something wrong when going to the bar is seen as an exclusively male task.

Put it this way, if you got caught in a rainstorm without a coat, wouid your DH give you his? I hope so confused Or wouid you stand there having an equality debate about male / female body heat ratios?

Or if your DH found you carrying heavy bags, would you not expect him to take them from you?

And if it was the opposite way round would you not offer your coat and take some of the bags?