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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to have BIL in my home again?

151 replies

mediumbrownmug · 11/05/2019 04:57

I haven't bothered to name change, as I don't care if this is recognized. My BIL is in his mid twenties, and has graduated with a degree. He's been screened for everything, and while he has ADD (like my DH), there are no other issues present.

Tonight we had my MIL and BIL (who lives with her) over for pizza to spend time with our DS, who is two years old. The invitation was issued to them both. While DH was out picking up the pizza (they arrived as he was leaving, as they showed up a bit early), BIL repeatedly teased my son over the course of the night, even worse than the last few times we were all together. (To avoid a drip feed, yes, this has happened before, and each time he's been asked not to do this.)

Tonight DS was running around asking for a cookie, and BIL offered my toddler a closed fist and told him he had a cookie in it for him (he didn't), and promised to give him the non-existent cookie if he did what BIL wanted. I obviously intervened immediately and told DS BIL didn't have a cookie and asked him not to tease DS as it would hurt his feelings and make him cry. BIL laughed it off and claimed DS didn't understand. I assured him he did. MIL didn't say much, but appeared to back me up. This happened again with something else (a toy), and again I intervened.

DH came home with the pizza, and BIL quickly grabbed a slice while we were getting DS's piece cut up as it was too hot for DS to eat. BIL proceeded to tease DS, dangling his pizza in front of him and asking if he wanted it, saying he couldn't have any. Then he started eating it in front of him and making "mmm" sounds, and taunting DS.

DH intervened immediately, telling him in no uncertain terms not to tease our son like a dog. BIL laughed it off yet again, saying DS "didn't understand" (he certainly did). MIL chimed in backing DH up. BIL laughed her off, too. Finally, I stepped in, stopped the conversation, and told BIL flatly not to tease our son. While that was all I said, I can be quite intimidating and BIL was embarrassed at not being able to pass it off as a joke.

That seemed the end of it, but throughout the night he continued pretending he was going to take my DS's candy out of his hand, etc. AIBU to not have him over anymore? Taunting DS with our food (that we paid for) in our house seems to be taking it a bit far. Especially since the only acknowledgement he gave was an "ok" and not an actual apology. At this point, I can't see having him over for holidays either, as I don't want DS's holidays spoiled. DH agrees, saying that if he wants to see his brother he can do it on his own (which obviously is fine).

We're reasonably certain that we can still see MIL on her own without BIL, but would rather there not be a problem as they live together. Thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
cantfindname · 11/05/2019 05:13

I am 66 and can still remember having an Uncle like this, so your son most definitely understands. The weird thing was I always wanted to see him as he was 'fun'.. but it always ended in tears (mine) as he never found his 'off' button.

I can only suggest your OH has a serious word with him about the appropriate way to behave with a small child. I don't totally blame your BiL as he obviously simply doesn't have a clue and probably thinks this is the only way he can interact with his nephew. Men that age can be very awkward round small children.. it will all change when he has his own and has to cope with the fall out after an evenings teasing!

Aquamarine1029 · 11/05/2019 05:15

Your BIL is a sadistic prick and I'd never have him around your child again. Anyone who takes pleasure in tormenting a small child is sick.

StoppinBy · 11/05/2019 05:21

My FIL does stuff like that and it pisses me off no end, particularly as when the kids do it back he gets all cranky about it.

I don't actively tell my FIL he isn't welcome but I do invite my MIL and not me FIL but to be honest my FIL isn't really interested in any of his grandkids unless they are doing something he is already interested in so it is easy to invite MIL while not inviting him a lot of the time.

Digestive28 · 11/05/2019 05:54

I wonder if he just doesn’t know what else to do. Can you give suggestions rather than just saying stop. So that’s a bit mean, why don’t we play this instead whilst waiting for your pizza to cook... I realise it’s a bit patronising but it worked with a family member of mine. Essentially some performance parenting for him

mediumbrownmug · 11/05/2019 05:57

Thanks for the replies, all! It's nice to know that it isn't just me. My thought was along the lines of what StoppinBy said, to just not invite him anymore. If MIL asks to bring him (she has on occasion), I don't think she'd question us if we simply declined. Of course DH would tell her why if she asked, but I really don't think she would. That's looking like the most straightforward option at this point.

OP posts:
Downunderduchess · 11/05/2019 05:58

Honestly he sounds like a horrible & stupid human being, you will not miss having him around. Don't give it a moments thought.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 11/05/2019 05:59

I think we all have a relation like that. I can remember my frustration with my grandad who did similar things and thought he was very funny. With hindsight I realise he was just awkward around little kids. He wanted to connect with us and play with us but just didn’t know how to do it. (I think if he was alive today he would have been diagnosed as having some level of ADD but back in the 1960s in rural Ireland things like that were not on our radar).

As we got older we accepted that was how our grandad was and loved him despite his annoying teasing and as he relaxed around us and got to know us it subsided. He’s been dead over 25 years now and I miss him and his awkward lovingness still.

By all means minimise your DS contact with his uncle for the time being if you think he is upsetting him but remember children can be surprisingly resilient and accepting of other people’s flaws.

FireflyEden · 11/05/2019 06:05

Oh YABU, it sounds like he was playing cool uncle and having fun, and you right from the offset already had an issue with him. Unclench ffs, your little boy will not be scarred from playing with his uncle.Hmm

mediumbrownmug · 11/05/2019 06:10

Digestive28 that's a good suggestion and may well be the case, but there's actually no need for BIL to play games with DS. Just not to torment him. Sad

OP posts:
TwoShades1 · 11/05/2019 06:13

I can remember my grandfather being like this. Personally I only have great memories of him as being fun and I certainly don’t think it’s given me any life long issues.

WoollyMummoth · 11/05/2019 06:15

He’s acting like a 12 year old. Tell him to grow up or stay away until his adult brain engages.

JenniferJareau · 11/05/2019 06:15

I hated people like your BIL as a kid, very mean and nasty. You can tell they enjoyed upsetting you.

I'd never have his over to your house again.

mediumbrownmug · 11/05/2019 06:17

FireflyEden, you're correct that DS won't be scarred from playing with his uncle. But an adult taunting a hungry two year old with food, in my opinion, isn't "playing." DS may be small, but he understood.

OP posts:
xotyl · 11/05/2019 06:20

Had an uncle like this, always teasing and tickling to the point of tears. We loved him for it, we could have chosen not to be around him but we didn't. We were drawn like magnets to him.
It is fustrating to watch a small child being teased but it does teach them quite a bit about people.

echt · 11/05/2019 06:25

Oh YABU, it sounds like he was playing cool uncle and having fun, and you right from the offset already had an issue with him. Unclench ffs, your little boy will not be scarred from playing with his uncle

What issue would that be, other than teasing a child.

You wouldn't do to dog what he's done to a child.

PeakedTooEarly · 11/05/2019 06:27

Ugh. He sounds revolting. Can you imagine if he has kids of his own?

mediumbrownmug · 11/05/2019 06:30

Xotyl my concern is that, at two, my son can't really choose not to be around him. When he's a bit older, and can say something, it'll be different. Right now though, he's just bewildered and sad.

OP posts:
Pppppppp1234 · 11/05/2019 06:37

I totally agree with your decision, they are so impressionable at that age that you don’t want your DS thinking that type of behaviour is okay and copying it himself! They pick up on all sorts at that age and have fantastic memories (my DS is 4 and talks about things that happened when he was 2 that we had even forgotten about!!)

My FIL is a twat and is forever telling my DS off when we are at there’s and calls him naughty. It riles me up no end as DS isn’t being naughty, he’s simply playing with his toys. We actively avoid going to see MiL if he is around and make sure we pick a time when he is still asleep (he’s ridiculously lazy)

xotyl · 11/05/2019 06:40

He shouldn't be making him sad, and BIL needs to know this is what is happening. Is BIL normally the centre of attention?

madroid · 11/05/2019 06:42

It does children good not to have an adult fawning over them all the time. Especially a precious first born or only child with a doting mother!

FrancisCrawford · 11/05/2019 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mediumbrownmug · 11/05/2019 06:49

Xotyl, BIL has been told by me that it would make him sad, and cry. The behavior continued. I'm not sure whether BIL is normally the center of attention, I don't think so. But it doesn't matter either way. I just want DS to be happy when his family comes over, not sad.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 11/05/2019 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mediumbrownmug · 11/05/2019 06:50

Madroid I'm not sure from your comment if you agree with BIL's behavior or are making a more generalized statement. Sorry for the confusion.

OP posts:
echt · 11/05/2019 06:51

It does children good not to have an adult fawning over them all the time.

How is the OP fawning? Here, I'll help you: displaying exaggerated flattery or affection; obsequious.