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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to have BIL in my home again?

151 replies

mediumbrownmug · 11/05/2019 04:57

I haven't bothered to name change, as I don't care if this is recognized. My BIL is in his mid twenties, and has graduated with a degree. He's been screened for everything, and while he has ADD (like my DH), there are no other issues present.

Tonight we had my MIL and BIL (who lives with her) over for pizza to spend time with our DS, who is two years old. The invitation was issued to them both. While DH was out picking up the pizza (they arrived as he was leaving, as they showed up a bit early), BIL repeatedly teased my son over the course of the night, even worse than the last few times we were all together. (To avoid a drip feed, yes, this has happened before, and each time he's been asked not to do this.)

Tonight DS was running around asking for a cookie, and BIL offered my toddler a closed fist and told him he had a cookie in it for him (he didn't), and promised to give him the non-existent cookie if he did what BIL wanted. I obviously intervened immediately and told DS BIL didn't have a cookie and asked him not to tease DS as it would hurt his feelings and make him cry. BIL laughed it off and claimed DS didn't understand. I assured him he did. MIL didn't say much, but appeared to back me up. This happened again with something else (a toy), and again I intervened.

DH came home with the pizza, and BIL quickly grabbed a slice while we were getting DS's piece cut up as it was too hot for DS to eat. BIL proceeded to tease DS, dangling his pizza in front of him and asking if he wanted it, saying he couldn't have any. Then he started eating it in front of him and making "mmm" sounds, and taunting DS.

DH intervened immediately, telling him in no uncertain terms not to tease our son like a dog. BIL laughed it off yet again, saying DS "didn't understand" (he certainly did). MIL chimed in backing DH up. BIL laughed her off, too. Finally, I stepped in, stopped the conversation, and told BIL flatly not to tease our son. While that was all I said, I can be quite intimidating and BIL was embarrassed at not being able to pass it off as a joke.

That seemed the end of it, but throughout the night he continued pretending he was going to take my DS's candy out of his hand, etc. AIBU to not have him over anymore? Taunting DS with our food (that we paid for) in our house seems to be taking it a bit far. Especially since the only acknowledgement he gave was an "ok" and not an actual apology. At this point, I can't see having him over for holidays either, as I don't want DS's holidays spoiled. DH agrees, saying that if he wants to see his brother he can do it on his own (which obviously is fine).

We're reasonably certain that we can still see MIL on her own without BIL, but would rather there not be a problem as they live together. Thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
ImposterSyndrome101 · 12/05/2019 18:21

I've two uncles and an aunt like this. I love and hate them in equal measure. One is worse than the other and 90% of the time I will go out of my way to avoid them because they carry on like this now with me and I'm 24.

It's pathetic and ridiculous. I remember the massive family holidays and parties and dreading each one of them and hating being there and around them and now I have very little relationship with most of my extended family because I won't tolerate it.

Your son knows and your doing him a favour limiting his exposure to him.

dorisdog · 12/05/2019 18:31

It's bullying. And he's bullying you. You keep telling him to stop - he keeps doing it to deliberately upset and undermine you and your DP. I'd tell him to do one if he behaved like that around my child. Or even my dog!

ilovesushi · 12/05/2019 18:36

What a complete idiot! I hate adults teasing and taunting children about food. It is very very weird.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 12/05/2019 18:39

This reply has been deleted

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WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/05/2019 18:44

OMG I'm loving that @Jimdandy!!! Way to go your DD!!!!

Original poster
mediumbrownmug · 12/05/2019 18:45

Wannabeyorkshirelass, if you read through my replies again I think you’ll find the information you’re asking for. Smile

OP posts:
asdou · 12/05/2019 18:46

All of my uncles seemed to have this fucking idiotic means of dealing with children. Absolute gobshites.

And that wasn't today or yesterday.

Chottie · 12/05/2019 19:10

OP - this is just bullying. Stand firm, follow your instincts and protect your DS.

CaptainPovey · 12/05/2019 19:14

My brother did this to me (12 years difference in age)

Called me stupid - actually asked me to spell it out to him

Called me fat and contributed at one point to an eating disorder and I did not realise until later

Took the piss out of me because I started developing breasts at about 10. I kicked him in the bollocks as I was so upset and got told off for that

I have no idea why I actually idolised him - brother in law did almost the same stuff

Men in the 1970s were fucking awful

busyhonestchildcarer · 12/05/2019 19:17

We have all known people like this as kids.I would first try to ' teach him" how to play properly with him as it seems he doesnt know how to play.If this doesnt work then no more coming round

Bignosenobum · 12/05/2019 19:31

Are you in America? Anyway this guy is a prick. I wouldn't allow him near my child again. What a moron.

Dippypippy1980 · 12/05/2019 19:42

Just wanted to say you are absolutely doing the right thing here.

I remember having an uncle who taunted and embarrassed me as a child. What I remember most about it is the other adults including my parents not sticking up for me.

Screw people who say parents can be overprotective. I have discussed this in therapy and my therapist says she has lost count of people who have issues in adulthood because they felt they weren’t safe or protected as children. She has yet to encounter an adult who feels they were damaged by heir parents sticking up for them!!!

ReanimatedSGB · 12/05/2019 19:57

Neurodiversity isn't a free pass to behave like a complete shit. This BIL is an adult, with a diagnosis, which means he will have been at least offered some sort of support with regard to appropriate behaviour.
A person with a disability can still be nasty, and this is what comes across - he gets something out of making a little child look 'foolish', out of making that child upset and confused. He's a bully, and that bully aspect would still be there if he was neurotypical, because he likes upsetting people.
YANBU just to say he can't come to your house any more, because your little DS doesn't deserve to be bullied and distressed in his own home.

Missingstreetlife · 12/05/2019 19:58

Can't understand why you haven't asked him to leave before. Don't let him in without a promise of better behaviour. Remember a promise is a comfort to a fool, and chuck him out the minute he fucks up. Obnoxious person.

starsparkle08 · 12/05/2019 19:58

He has a diagnosis of ADD unfortunately these sort of behaviours often go with that sadly . Is there a time of day he is better able to manage the impulsiveness? My son is on medication and is severe adhd . He is always better first thing in the day after his meds .

fairgame84 · 12/05/2019 20:03

I've got an uncle like this. Me and DB now refer to him as Uncle nobhead. He uses to tease us and then used to tickle relentlessly, he never stopped until we were sobbing.
YANBU I'm glad you and your DH have advocated for your son.

meow1989 · 12/05/2019 20:05

I understand that he may have difficulty understanding some social cues and calling over excitement due to his ADD, but that's no reason to allow your son to be upset or taunted. He behaves like an adult or he doesn't get to be around DS. He sounds like very hard work.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/05/2019 20:09

Erm, I have ADHD - it doesn't not make me take the piss out of small children, Lindy2. I find your post offensive. Do you excuse bad behaviour from your daughter just because of her diagnosis?

SadOtter · 12/05/2019 20:13

One of my brothers was like this with DD when she was small, no amount of explaining helped so other brother took it on himself to be just as irritating to him, keep stealing his nose, hiding his things etc, when DB1 got in a huff DB2 sat him down and was like "yeah fucking annoying isn't it? that's what you've been doing to DD, she just hasn't got the words to tell you what a prick you're being" and DB1 hasn't done it since.

EggAndButter · 12/05/2019 20:27

I can remember that sort of game with my grand father as a child. I might well have done it with my own dcs.

But as a GAME, not taunting.
So it might have been a stone or something as ‘uninteresting’. Not a toy that I was keen on or food I wanted to eat.

The issue isn’t the game. The issue is what he used and the fact he couldn’t actually grasp it was hurtful to your ds.
The fact he said your ds can’t understand is a bit Confused. If that was the case, why in earth was he playing that game? Make no sense at all!
Which makes me think he DOES know he is taunting your ds and is basically trying to get away with it. Is there any other times when he is behaving like that?

Livelovebehappy · 12/05/2019 20:37

Not nice behaviour at all, and I agree you need to keep your ds apart from your BIL, but don’t let this come in between your DH and his dB. You say you’re ok for your DH to see your BIL independently of you and ds, but I can see you might have an issue with this if you are invited to family occasions and DH goes without you and ds. These things have a way of escalating sometimes.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/05/2019 20:42

Surprised by some of the comments suggesting the OP's response to this (IMO) very real problem is OTT.

It isn't.

No, you don't have to simply stand back and take it when someone behaves like a dick. As far as the child's concerned, this would be teaching them that a) the appropriate response when being bullied/teased/treated inappropriately is to sit back and take it in silence; and b) you're unworthy of parental support when someone is obviously mistreating you.

You can spot a bully a million miles away. They will tell you it's you who are being oversensitive, they will either completely dismiss or mimimize your feelings and the effect of their behaviour on you, and they'll offer you that age-old parrot-cry that's as outting of a would-be abuser as a bell round their necks: 'can't you take a joke?' BiL's behaviour seems pretty consistent with this pattern.

A person who really didn't mean to cause harm, offence or humiliation will be mortified that their actions have been perceived that way and will instantly apologize and give reassurances not to repeat that behaviour. BiL's behaviour is definitely not consistent with THAT pattern.

Unfortunately, I'm conversant with these behavioural patterns as I've crossed paths with a lot of abusers in my time. And no way in hell would I tolerate such behaviour being directed toward my child. BiL's neurotypicality or otherwise is not the OP's responsibility. Her child's wellbeing is.

OP - YADNBU.

nuxe1984 · 12/05/2019 21:15

He's being incredibly mean and I wouldn't have him over any more. Your DH and MIL are both in agreement about this so I wouldn't worry any further. Just have your MIL over on her own - if your BIL asks why he's not been invited she (or you or DH) can say it's because his behaviour towards his DN is unacceptable and you are not prepared to put up with it, especially in your own house.
If words don't get the message through then actions (ie: not inviting him) certainly will.
And don't use the ADD as an excuse. He is a fully functioning adult that has managed to get successfully through university and thus is perfectly capable of following rules.

BettysLeftTentacle · 12/05/2019 21:45

Ugh. He’s an Uncle Knobhead. Every generation, of every family has one.

We have one that has become quite wary of me as I dish it back (of course he can’t take it, none of them can) or shut it down. Not a single fuck has been given by me as to whether I have offended him. I am my children’s strongest advocate and as such I need to make sure they are treated well, with the respect they deserve. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s all about power and control. Picking on a child is an easy way for them to feel like they have power over someone. People do it to animals aswell, it’s pathetic.

YANBU OP and you’re doing the right thing.

browneyes77 · 12/05/2019 22:30

I wouldn’t never ever treat my little nephew this way. I love that child as if he were my own. The thought of upsetting him in any way fills me with dread and I would be so upset if I made him sad (I even feel guilty when I go home and he doesn’t want me to go! Yeah I’m a soft touch Aunty Grin)

I liked the idea of giving him a taste of his own medicine by dangling food etc in front of him and then moving it away etc. But that’s me being petty and angry!

You could give him one more opportunity to change his behaviour but that could just be prolonging it for your DS if he doesn’t comply.

I do think telling him that your DS doesn’t want to see him because he’s upset him and that’s why he’s not invited over is a good idea though. He needs to understand that his actions are noticed and having a negative impact.