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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to have BIL in my home again?

151 replies

mediumbrownmug · 11/05/2019 04:57

I haven't bothered to name change, as I don't care if this is recognized. My BIL is in his mid twenties, and has graduated with a degree. He's been screened for everything, and while he has ADD (like my DH), there are no other issues present.

Tonight we had my MIL and BIL (who lives with her) over for pizza to spend time with our DS, who is two years old. The invitation was issued to them both. While DH was out picking up the pizza (they arrived as he was leaving, as they showed up a bit early), BIL repeatedly teased my son over the course of the night, even worse than the last few times we were all together. (To avoid a drip feed, yes, this has happened before, and each time he's been asked not to do this.)

Tonight DS was running around asking for a cookie, and BIL offered my toddler a closed fist and told him he had a cookie in it for him (he didn't), and promised to give him the non-existent cookie if he did what BIL wanted. I obviously intervened immediately and told DS BIL didn't have a cookie and asked him not to tease DS as it would hurt his feelings and make him cry. BIL laughed it off and claimed DS didn't understand. I assured him he did. MIL didn't say much, but appeared to back me up. This happened again with something else (a toy), and again I intervened.

DH came home with the pizza, and BIL quickly grabbed a slice while we were getting DS's piece cut up as it was too hot for DS to eat. BIL proceeded to tease DS, dangling his pizza in front of him and asking if he wanted it, saying he couldn't have any. Then he started eating it in front of him and making "mmm" sounds, and taunting DS.

DH intervened immediately, telling him in no uncertain terms not to tease our son like a dog. BIL laughed it off yet again, saying DS "didn't understand" (he certainly did). MIL chimed in backing DH up. BIL laughed her off, too. Finally, I stepped in, stopped the conversation, and told BIL flatly not to tease our son. While that was all I said, I can be quite intimidating and BIL was embarrassed at not being able to pass it off as a joke.

That seemed the end of it, but throughout the night he continued pretending he was going to take my DS's candy out of his hand, etc. AIBU to not have him over anymore? Taunting DS with our food (that we paid for) in our house seems to be taking it a bit far. Especially since the only acknowledgement he gave was an "ok" and not an actual apology. At this point, I can't see having him over for holidays either, as I don't want DS's holidays spoiled. DH agrees, saying that if he wants to see his brother he can do it on his own (which obviously is fine).

We're reasonably certain that we can still see MIL on her own without BIL, but would rather there not be a problem as they live together. Thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 11/05/2019 09:53

Planes Are you not tempted to turn the tables on your dickhead BIL? I suspect people like him would hate being subjected to the same kind of jokes. Maybe a nice dollop of cake in his face, trip him up, hide his things, make up a nick name for him and use it ALL the time ?

He does hate anyone teasing him, but he responds by becoming really nasty. I don't want to get into retaliation crap like that with him, especially when I suspect he would take that really far. Ignoring him really works best, because he craves attention.

Lilymossflower · 11/05/2019 10:04

Mental health has nothing to do with it , he is just a horrible person.
How any a adult can treat a child so horribly is beyond me, because they havr the capacity to know what there doing

Personally I would do all I can to make sure my child was never exposed to this as its so so mean and unfair

summerof68 · 11/05/2019 10:21

Had to laugh at the contrast between the first two posts.Grin

summerof68 · 11/05/2019 10:23

I meant the first two after the Op. Grin

PhillipeFellope · 11/05/2019 10:48

I'm an adult and wouldn't like someone bigger than me teasing unkindly, but as an adult, I could tell someone to get fucked

If someone was being unkind to my toddler, I would also tell them to get fucked.

You teach toddlers to be kind by modelling kindness etc, my 2.5 year old would struggle to keep his temper with someone winding him up deliberately and continuously, fuck, I'd struggle to keep my temper with someone like that. He'd have a tantrum, would cry, be upset etc.

He was told to stop and didn't, he wouldn't be welcome in my house. You wouldn't accept this behaviour off a 7 year old, 13 year old, 17 year old, don't accept it off a grown adult man who is a guest.

ItalianEarthernware · 11/05/2019 10:56

FIL was like this and BIL is, too. I told BIL off and he stopped that shit, but had he not I would not have had him around my kids at all. My DS has HFA and doesn't get teasing, at any rate, autism and ADD are not an excuse to dole this behaviour out or put up with it as an adult or from an adult.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/05/2019 10:59

I've changed my mind. I wouldn't give him another chance. I'd get DH to text him now and say that due to his disgusting behaviour he's no longer allowed in your home or near your son. If he wants to continue with a relationship he can learn to be a decent person he can apologise and you will discuss moving on. If not then just leave it there.

DeadWife · 11/05/2019 11:11

I have vivid unpleasant memories of an older male cousin like that who took pleasure in frightening me or laughing at me when I was very young. He was considered a bit of a golden boy in the family so nobody contradicted him.

Your instincts are telling you to keep your little one away from him, they're spot on, listen to them.

outvoid · 11/05/2019 11:14

Your BIL just sounds like a child himself if I’m being totally honest. I had an uncle very similar to this but I got along with him, he was just like an overgrown child and I thought he was fun at the time.

redcaryellowcar · 11/05/2019 19:39

I think if this has happened before you are justified in putting a stop to it, doesn't need a big drama, just don't invite him and calmly explain to MiL why you aren't inviting him. It's a rubbish situation for children to be teased and I don't allow it with my children. My FiL is the teaser and I call him out on it, he hates it but can see that I'm right.

Tartsamazeballs · 11/05/2019 20:15

We have a rule in our house that "it's only a joke if everyone is laughing"- i.e. if anyone isn't finding it funny, pack it in. If it works for my toddler it should be clear enough for your BIL.

grubus · 11/05/2019 20:48

My DS has ASD and (like the poster above) just has no understanding of teasing. A 2 year old will surely be the same. Your job is to protect your son, not your BIL. And your son needs to know that you are on his side.
My dad used to do stuff like that to "toughen" us. I really don't think that it worked, just meant that we were bullied in the place where we should have been safest.

Original poster
mediumbrownmug · 12/05/2019 00:04

I agree with the general consensus. For now, we won't invite BIL over, and if MIL/BIL ask, DH will calmly explain why. Thanks again everyone! Smile

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 12/05/2019 00:06

@tartsamazeballs I am so taking your quote and sticking it on my wall.

The other weekend my FIL was visiting and pulled my 6 year olds plait, of course she told him to stop........ so he did it again and then got shirty when told to stop.

Later on she asked him to play with her......... his response was 'well I was playing with you earlier when I pulled your hair and you didn't want to play with me so I don't want to play with you now'.

Made me so angry!

Original poster
mediumbrownmug · 12/05/2019 00:29

My guess is he'll only get worse as your ds gets older, as he'll be able to verbally spar with him.

Thanks, Nicenewdusters, this line stood out to me when I read it as it was definitely something we needed to think about. And thanks to all who shared their personal stories here. I read each and every one of them, and they absolutely helped us with our decision. Thanks again!

OP posts:
BadTigerKitty · 12/05/2019 01:07

I totally understand where you're coming from. Had an uncle like that.

The worst I've seen is a friend-of-a-friend who does this to his own young kids. Makes me very sad to see their confused faces not knowing what to do next. And it really affects their behaviour negatively.

You do what you think is right to protect your child.

tararabumdeay · 12/05/2019 01:13

Rides on legs and tickles beyond funny and screaming to stop but it just goes on. That sort of uncle.

MummyParanoia101 · 12/05/2019 01:37

He sounds like he was the school bully who still hasn't fully grown up! Hmm

SnuggyBuggy · 12/05/2019 09:38

I hope the conversation goes OK with your in laws OP

manicmij · 12/05/2019 17:49

In his 20s. You do know the male brain doesn't become fully wired up until late 20s. Your BIL seems to be a late 'wirer' if it ever happens to him at all If he doesn't accept his behaviour is frowned upon then tell him he is not welcome until his brain is fully connected up or your son is old enough to tell him to p..s ..f.

StrangeLookingParasite · 12/05/2019 18:03

I hated people like your BIL as a kid, very mean and nasty. You can tell they enjoyed upsetting you.

I totally agree, and when no-one intervenes it just tells you that no-one is on your side. Or it did me, anyway.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/05/2019 18:04

The way your BiL is 'playing' with your DS reminded me of times when boys would pull the hair of girls in the school playground or similar and we were told "Oh, it's because they like you".
So, to pull someones hair was a sign they liked you? I don't think so.

Your BiL should not be invited to your house until he can understand that his behaviour is the reason why he isn't being invited. Would he understand that - cause/effect - as to why he wasn't being invited anymore?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Jimdandy · 12/05/2019 18:09

YANBU. Adults used to do this to me and then when I used to get upset or angry I used to get told off or in to trouble.

I vowed no one else would do this to my children. Once my daughter was being tormented and she kicked him in the balls. I said that was poetic justice and refused to tell her off.

...if you can’t take it, then don’t dish it out.

simiisme · 12/05/2019 18:11

I wouldn't tease a dog like that, let alone a child.
He sounds like a bit of a bully.
He's a twat - don't have him round any more.

RSAcre · 12/05/2019 18:15

DH intervened immediately, telling him in no uncertain terms not to tease our son like a dog.

YANBU for not wanting your child to be teased.
YABVU for thinking it's ok to tease a dog in the same way.

Apart from that, I can't really see why you think you have a problem.
You don't want your BiL in the house any more, you say your DH is backing you on that, so ... where's the issue?