To refuse to have BIL in my home again?

[mediumbrownmug]

I haven't bothered to name change, as I don't care if this is recognized. My BIL is in his mid twenties, and has graduated with a degree. He's been screened for everything, and while he has ADD (like my DH), there are no other issues present.

Tonight we had my MIL and BIL (who lives with her) over for pizza to spend time with our DS, who is two years old. The invitation was issued to them both. While DH was out picking up the pizza (they arrived as he was leaving, as they showed up a bit early), BIL repeatedly teased my son over the course of the night, even worse than the last few times we were all together. (To avoid a drip feed, yes, this has happened before, and each time he's been asked not to do this.)

Tonight DS was running around asking for a cookie, and BIL offered my toddler a closed fist and told him he had a cookie in it for him (he didn't), and promised to give him the non-existent cookie if he did what BIL wanted. I obviously intervened immediately and told DS BIL didn't have a cookie and asked him not to tease DS as it would hurt his feelings and make him cry. BIL laughed it off and claimed DS didn't understand. I assured him he did. MIL didn't say much, but appeared to back me up. This happened again with something else (a toy), and again I intervened.

DH came home with the pizza, and BIL quickly grabbed a slice while we were getting DS's piece cut up as it was too hot for DS to eat. BIL proceeded to tease DS, dangling his pizza in front of him and asking if he wanted it, saying he couldn't have any. Then he started eating it in front of him and making "mmm" sounds, and taunting DS.

DH intervened immediately, telling him in no uncertain terms not to tease our son like a dog. BIL laughed it off yet again, saying DS "didn't understand" (he certainly did). MIL chimed in backing DH up. BIL laughed her off, too. Finally, I stepped in, stopped the conversation, and told BIL flatly not to tease our son. While that was all I said, I can be quite intimidating and BIL was embarrassed at not being able to pass it off as a joke.

That seemed the end of it, but throughout the night he continued pretending he was going to take my DS's candy out of his hand, etc. AIBU to not have him over anymore? Taunting DS with our food (that we paid for) in our house seems to be taking it a bit far. Especially since the only acknowledgement he gave was an "ok" and not an actual apology. At this point, I can't see having him over for holidays either, as I don't want DS's holidays spoiled. DH agrees, saying that if he wants to see his brother he can do it on his own (which obviously is fine).

We're reasonably certain that we can still see MIL on her own without BIL, but would rather there not be a problem as they live together. Thoughts appreciated.

The op has the tone of my pfb must not be upset or teased. But it does children good sometimes not to have it all there way, not to be put first which of course they normally are - not to be the centre of their own little universe. To have to cope with frustration and teasing is a good life lesson.

I had an uncle that used to tease me and I hated it and I hated going to see him. I used to be glued to DMum. Luckily we saw him once a year if that. He's long gone now but he has two sons, my cousins and to me they neither of them realised their full potential. I was too young to see his parenting first hand but I suspect he was a shit parent to those boys.

He’s a shit. I had two uncles who were nasty to me like this and while it didn’t damage me, it was unpleasant and I never forgot it. It’s bullying a smaller weaker person and you need to put a stop to it.

What about deciding to give it one more try. An invitation on another occasion with a reminder that teasing (a namby pamby word for tormenting) your little DS will not be tolerated and BIL will be asked to leave. Make sure you and DH are on the same page and MIL is aware of the consequence. Then the outcome is up to BIL.

YANBU. Your DS is not a target.

Madroid, I understand and agree that children must not have it all their own way all the time. I disagree that the best way to teach this is for an adult to deliberately taunt a hungry and bewildered toddler with food, like a dog. I don't think that it will build character.

Homebird, that's actually not a bad idea. I'll talk to DH and see what he thinks, but I'm afraid that saying so outright would sound a bit aggressive. Open to thoughts on this.

He is bullying your child. Call him out on it, every time. " Why are you bullying DS. Why do you think bullying is OK?"

No, people don't have to learn to cope with teasing.

A little bit of teasing a small child, while paying close attention to their mood and gauging if it's drifting from amused to upset, is fine. Consistently teasing and not paying any attention to how they feel about it is not fine. Some adults struggle to grasp that children have feelings, as they seem to move past them so quickly; my father was a bad one for this.

If you did want to go with the one more chance option, do explain to your BIL (ahead of time) that DS was a bit upset after he came over last time and wasn't sure he wanted to see him today, because of all the teasing. That might jolt BIL into realising DS does remember and didn't like it, and he might buck his ideas up a bit. Fingers crossed!

I apologize for not being able to respond to every comment, but I want to say that I appreciate all the advice, support and suggestions so far. Even the opinions that differed from mine, have still made me think. That's always a good thing. Thanks all.

Teasing is one thing but teasing with food is not on IMHO. It's unkind.

Contessals, that's a much gentler way of putting it. I'll run it past DH. Thanks.

I think that Digestive28 suggestion to demonstrate how to play, was a very good one. And yet you dismissed it saying ‘there no need for him’ to play with your son. I found that a bit strange.

To have to cope with frustration and teasing is a good life lesson.

The child is two FFS! Developmentally he won’t learn any life lessons because he won’t understand what’s going on. A supposed adult is deliberately confusing a young child with contradictory behaviour and despite being told not to, he continued to do so. BIL needs to grow up and if he struggles then his Mum and brother could help him but your priority is an actual child, not the adult acting like one.

The conversation, or invitation, would have to be gently worded. If BIL takes it on board and changes his approach then you don’t want the invitation and consequence conversation to be the thing that he remembers.

What about something like, “Come on Friday for pizza and a catch up. If little DS doesn’t get teased again I’m sure he’ll forget Uncle BIL being a meanie. We want you to be welcome so you can’t wind him up like that, it’s not fair.”

Maybe that’s enough to be able to say that BIL has outstayed his welcome if he stages a rerun. Perhaps you don’t have to make it sound like a threat.

I agree with waiting until your child is a little older. I know on mumsnet extended family are seen as always beneficial to children but I think that's bollocks, I don't see what your toddler is getting out of this and it sounds like BIL has a lot of growing up to do.

Letthemysterybe, and number1wang, I mean that I'm not expecting BIL to replace an undesirable behavior with perfection, all I ask is that he doesn't torment him. It's nearly 3am here, I apologize.

Meant to add I'll mention to DH about teaching BIL games to play instead.

What a creep. TBH I would be pissed off if he 'teased a dog' like that - especially mine.

BIL is immature and clearly has no idea how to interact with children, at the very least he should stop when asked by the child's parent. On a separate note would it not have been easier for your child's food to be ready before your husband got home with the pizza? Take away pizza and candy in one night for a two year old isn't good.

Your BIL had ADD. Symptoms vary but lack of empathy and impulsive behaviour are part of his condition.
My 10 year old has ADHD and often takes toys from younger children to make them chase her. I repeatedly intervene and explain to her the younger child doesn't find it funny but I'm sure she still doesn't really understand what I mean. I hope she'll have better social skills as she gets older but it is going to take a lot of time and guidance.
Whilst I fully agree your BIL's behaviour is very annoying and it would drive me mad as well, you need to take into account this is probably part of his ADD.
Posters saying he needs to grow up or similar clearly don't understand neurological conditions.
Can you change the situation where you see him to one that works better? The house visit and good clearly isn't working. Would something like a soft play work better? Your BIL would have an activity to do with your son so wouldn't have to do the silly teasing to try and interact.

It could well be that he doesn't know another way to be. I would second suggesting an alternative activity. It sounds like he wants to interact with your son, but is going about it in the wrong way.

Next time this type of behaviour starts, intercept with, please don't tease, ds show your uncle your cars/trains/dolls/jigsaw, why don't you play with that? Etc. Worth a try. You should be able to tell from that if bil genuinely wants to play with him or just likes teasing.

Zippy, I agree! DS's grandmother hasn't been over in a couple of months due to work conflicts, so we did Easter this weekend. Tonight was a special treat and DS received Easter candy from GM. Back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow!

My FIL can be like this and it’s so irritating. On holiday he got cake from the breakfast buffet, asked the children (DNeice 4, DD2, Dnephew 7) who wanted some for breakfast and then laughed at them said they couldn’t have any and ate it himself. They all got upset obviously. He then later had a word with my husband about our daughters “unacceptable” behaviour at breakfast and how we needed to be firmer with her. Appeared incapable of understanding that waving cake in children’s faces and then removing it isn’t going to go down well.