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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

337 replies

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:30

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 10/05/2019 14:43

Yes I understand that her expenses don't cover the family, just her, but what I'm saying is that you are seeing none of it. She should be paying you her expenses in one form or another. At the very least it would help pay for the increased utility bills while they are staying. All she's having to pay for is food - well, she'd be paying for that at home.

Anyway, now I see it's DH's family friend and he's not as bothered about it - well, maybe you should leave him to it and go and stay in a hotel yourself.

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 15:14

@whatwouldyoubelikeat28 thanks @irmafaylear for pointing out this answer i had somehow missed 28's response

thanks for your understanding 28
it does seem like the right thing to do, when we can.
and the way you put it does seem reasonable and fair, thank you!!!

OP posts:
Tunnockswafer · 10/05/2019 15:19

I have been like this Shock since reading it’s four months they’re here for.

CJSmith2019 · 10/05/2019 15:19

thanks for your understanding 28
it does seem like the right thing to do, when we can.
and the way you put it does seem reasonable and fair, thank you!!!

So was that what you wanted to hear? I'm confused.

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 15:44

cj, i didn't really need any input on how long they're staying for etc - just asked for some one to help me assert myself without over stepping the line for once?
28 suggested a nice way of saying it to them, which was what i asked for in my original post.

OP posts:
lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 15:48

@BlueTrews25
your post made me giggle, can't host swingers group... PERFECT!

If mine and my partner's requests this weekend are not met with agreement, I shall start working my way through that list!!!!

OP posts:
CJSmith2019 · 10/05/2019 15:53

Sorry, I lost my post. I didn't get what you were saying at first but I get it now. You are a saint, imo! Smile

HeresMe · 10/05/2019 15:53

I do wonder why someone people post as they only want to hear things they agree with.

maddening · 10/05/2019 15:57

Say "Dear friend, we love having you and we love you and your family but please could you keep the kids in the annex til the household is up, it will just make it easier to accommodate us all nicely, also especially this weekend as I totally need a lie in"

fedup21 · 10/05/2019 16:00

I can’t believe you think this is something you have to put up with. Hosting and feeding a family for 4 months?! Isn’t it doubling your food bill?

All they need is to find two more suckers like you and they’re sorted for years and won’t ever have to pay a bill in their life.

JuniFora · 10/05/2019 16:05

You keep saying how assertive you are but you're the furtherest thing from it. Your home is dictated by other people. Your pil should have no say in who stays in your home. It appears your husband has bullied you into being a doormat and any hint of you expressing your own preference is shut down by him.

I'd kick them out, dump the husband and go develop a life as ruled by you. Time is the most precious thing you have and you're wasting yours on accommodating people who don't care for what you want. Including your bully husband. And he is a bully for dismissing you, shutting you down and having you so browbeaten that you're afraid to speak up in your own home.

There are loving, respectful men out there who'll support and listen to you, why would you settle for someone who crushes you...

TheSerenDipitY · 10/05/2019 16:05

oh for fucks sakes, you are doing them a huge fucken favor
tomorrow morning when they start making noise, get up go down to them and say very loudly and very clearly... SHUT THE FUCK UP WE ARE SLEEPING, glare at them, then turn and walk back to bed
they will shut the fuck up
if you have to say it a 2nd morning tell them perhaps they need to find somewhere else to stay... quit pussy footing around them

skybluee · 10/05/2019 16:12

I wouldn't try to do it tomorrow morning when you're hungover. I think that's the time it's most likely to come out wrong. It will come out of frustration after you've just been woken up and are annoyed. I'd speak to them before that. Emphasise how much great company you find them, and all of the nice things you said in your first post. Then state that you're going out for a big night tonight, and tomorrow morning you might be a bit delicate and need your rest, so would it be possible to keep the children quiet until 10am? As you will be sleeping in. I think you might be surprised with how they react, they might be fine with it, hopefully anyway! It's not like you're asking a big thing. Good luck :).

BumbleBeee69 · 10/05/2019 16:25

OP your generosity needs BOUNDARIES.

WTF are you thinking allowing these 'friends' to move in rest free for 4 whole bloody months, do you not respect your Husband, your family, your home ? why can't you tell these 'friends' 4 months is far too long particularly as they are not respecting any Boundaries. Hmm

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 10/05/2019 16:31

I’m putting the dogs in charge of the garden and if a cat comes to harm then so be it.

Should have stayed in.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 10/05/2019 16:31

Oh bugger!

Sorry, wrong thread

CruCru · 10/05/2019 16:45

This is an interesting thread. I must admit that my first thought was what if you weren’t at home (on holiday etc) when they wanted to come? If they give you virtually no notice, that must always be a risk.

I actually agree with whatwpuldyoubelikeat28. It sounds as though you have a family arrangement where you are cool with people coming to stay for a long time. If you genuinely are cool with that then this is fine.

I think the thing to bear in mind is that sometimes being direct is the politest way of doing things. Something along the lines of “Dude! Having screaming sessions at 7am is going to drive me insane. Please can you keep everyone quiet until 8am on weekdays and 10am on weekends?”

There’s no need to be passive aggressive (or aggressive).

FriarTuck · 10/05/2019 16:55

Stay upstairs and bellow from your bed 'will you shut the fuck up downstairs I'm trying to fucking sleep!'
With any luck they'll be gone by the time you get up later on.
Stop being a wimp. This situation isn't remotely normal and they know it.

SunshineCake · 10/05/2019 17:10

It's funny how sensitive people are when they are told they are causing upset to others, but not sensitive enough to think about or be aware of their own behaviour.

IrmaFayLear · 10/05/2019 17:17

I only hope that the OP and her dh go and stay with these people when they fancy a free holiday.

I must admit I can't quite envisage a situation where to stay with someone for four months gratis is acceptable, whatever the culture. A week or two, yes, or hosting foreign relatives where there are firm expectations - but friends? Even billionaires don't have people lodging for months on end in their houses. They may be able to well afford it, but wealth should not make you liable to accommodate CFs.

Yabbers · 10/05/2019 17:20

AIBU is absolutely the wrong forum for this, because most of the classic uk-style-suburbans here cannot conceive of having someone round for an extended cuppa, let alone as house guests with their family.

This is nonsense. I love having guests. My home is open to pretty much anyone. It’s nice to have a house full. But someone turning up with their for 4 months at barely any notice is not simply a style of generosity and community it is unreasonable. Haven’t you noticed that in the “generosity of community” there are those who provide hospitality and those who take it? The sofa surfers who love community are never the ones who put their hand in their pocket are they? This woman lives her life making money overseas and uses the OP’s “generosity of community” to fund her lifestyle. A community is only a community if people work together for a common good. OP is funding their lifestyle, that makes it freeloading.

Saying so doesn’t make me a U.K. suburban whatever else nonsense you said.

Yabbers · 10/05/2019 17:22

@Chardonnay’sPrettySister

😆😆 I thought it was some kind of profound saying which applied to this situation.

fedup21 · 10/05/2019 17:23

I must admit I can't quite envisage a situation where to stay with someone for four months gratis is acceptable, whatever the culture

This!

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 10/05/2019 18:08

No, just a misplaced cat shit rant....

Sorry OP.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/05/2019 18:25

”It's funny how sensitive people are when they are told they are causing upset to others, but not sensitive enough to think about or be aware of their own behaviour.”

You are so right, @SunshineCake.

OP - I think you would have every justification to say to these people ‘I’m sorry, but this really isn’t working for us. We have enjoyed hosting you in the past, but having the whole family to stay has really changed the dynamic’ - if not now, during this current stay, at the very least afterwards, by text.

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