To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

[lessnoisepls]

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

lessnoisepls I'm surprised that anyone would think it reasonable for family to turn up to stay for a while unannounced. I'd always let my family know/ask/check dates ok, even my parents house, where I still have a bedroom - I'd always check they aren't busy/hosting others etc

And yet your OP? Do you not see the disconnect?

Definitely a CF, I think you just need to have a chat with her, say you appreciate that she likes having her family with her but that it isn’t working for you due to noise/mess. You’ll let them continue with their stay this time if they can be more considerate but that next time you’ll only be able to accommodate her by herself (if you even want to do this). It might make the atmosphere a bit difficult but at least everyone will know where they stand.

I doubt that speaking to them would make any difference, because most decent, respectful people would not make such noises in someone's house, where they're staying for free for months - the mini kitchen idea doesn't have to cost a fortune, but it solves your problem without you falling out (unless you're not bothered about falling out, but you must be really or you'd have lost your temper by now)

I don’t think they even realise they are making noise.
OP says is the toddlers making noises and the parents responding and encouraging them.

Many patents are too precious about their children and are convinced that everyone loves to listen to it.

Ah, right. I suspected that this might have something to do with the fact that your H and his family expect you to be a submissive mug and will criticize you for any attempt at standing up for yourself. Your H's 'chat' with them will consist of painting you as the selfish, ungenerous, fun-spoiling person who is whining and complaining about the lovely guests, which might lead to them moving out in a huff but is more likely to lead to a fair bit of passive-aggression from the whole family.

Also, my guess, for what it's worth, is that this cheeky bitch is some sor of artiste or musician (maybe a two-hit wonder from the early 90s) who comes over here to play the festival circuit, usually third from the bottom of the bill, but who has managed to convince your H and his family that she's such a great talent you should all be honoured to cater to her every need.

Bolt on your side of the kitchen door. Notice on their side saying 'kitchen open from 9.30am'.

Or whatever time you think civilised.

Evict them give them a weeks notice to leave honestly, it's their problem if they haven't got anywhere else. Don't worry about losing them as friends, they sent friends they are users. Cheeky users.

They should be contributing if they are earning, and they can certainly afford to fly half way round the world they aren't that poor.

Stop being a door mat.

But my partner's parent's have always put her up, and now it's fallen to us as my partner's parents have moved

But it didn't fall to you. There was never an obligation for you to open your home to these CF's, anymore than your inlaws were obligated to do it. It's all about choice. You and Dh chose to do it and this family are continuing to take the piss. And why wouldn't they - free accommodation, no bills and only food to buy. Seriously, it's time to take control and put a stop to it. To hell with inlaws who 'expect' you to take these 'friends' in. Stop feeling guilt, stop pussyfooting around them and be as rude as you bloody well want. With a bit of luck they'll get the message, leave and never turn up with a moments notice again.

Tell them you've plans to let the annex out as an air b n b thing. They must let you know in future to make sure it's free.
And say it's not!

No doubt they make more money than you think. They are royally taking the piss. They don't mind lumping themselves on you with no offer of money for four months, but you're too scared to 1. Say no 2. Ask them to respect your space.

I'd be telling them 4 months is too long and they need to sort alternative accommodation. In future I would just say no, even if she's half way there. Or move house

But my partner's parent's have always put her up, and now it's fallen to us as my partner's parents have moved.

Yes i wonder why that was?

Does she work in the arts, OP? I know a few people with a similar work life involving stays with friends across the globe for long stints

Yeah, I know someone like this. Never took the entire family though!

@ chardonnay

*I don’t think they even realise they are making noise.
OP says is the toddlers making noises and the parents responding and encouraging them.

Many patents are too precious about their children and are convinced that everyone loves to listen to it.*

This is exactly it.
I really don't think they're aware of the noise they're making or that we could possibly find it annoying.

yes, arts.

I feel your pain. I had to host DH's friend, an ultraendurance cyclist a few times and once, his mum too! He'd given up his house as he was always travelling. Why this was my problem, I never quite understood. Generally, I am always a bit suspicious of these family favours where the credit falls on one party and the effort on another. Your DH and PIL are actually using you as much as the uninvited guests. Enforce some house rules and don't let this reccur. I think you need to let your DH feel the inconvenience a bit more, too. As it appears to be basically his fault...

Oh, that makes sense. I used to work in that sector. There's a reason it's full of 20-somethings!

Ok, so why not fight fire with fire?
They disturb you in the mornings? So why don't you disturb them and their DCs in the late evenings? So that they want to move out (and never come back)
Get a karaoke machine and sing loudly and BADLY.
Argue loudly about the guests about lack of privacy, being woken early, not being able to host the swingers group
Have sex loudly

Or just be brutally frank.

I think these friends of yours are taking advantage of you Im afraid.4 months staying in someones house for free, is out of order in a big way!You need to say to them you like having them to stay ,but need your lie ins!.If they ask you again say you love having them over but 2 or 3 weeks is enough for you both !

My gob is truly smacked by this!! I have to assume that you belong to a culture that is a good deal more generous than mine. But surely in ANY culture, this is taking considerable advantage? I cannot imagine staying with someone for this long, especially every year, and not offereing something as a thankyou e.g. taking you for dinner, paying for energybills, making little gifts etc. It seems extraordinary entitled of them to keep doing this.

As for the noise - tell them. If they continue to disturb your life in this way, then they are very, very poor guests and don't deserve your continued patronage.

This takes cheeky fuckery to a new level.

4 months??? 😵
Are they contributing at all?

Whereas I will normally get annoyed and speak my mind, and offend or fall out with people. Looking back over the years, I think there's been a few times where I could have just kept my mouth shut, or have said things in a better way and not lost friendships

OP I can be like this too. For me it comes when I have bottled up my annoyance and frustration and it comes out on an unplanned way. Perhaps if this is you too the answer is to plan out what to say, (as I see you have mentioned upthread) and have something in mind for what to say to various likely responses?

I really admire people who can be calmly assertive and not overreact to responses that are not what they want or expect but I confess that is not me!!

4 months lodging with someone without contribution ought to entitle you yo a bit more consideration and I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect or ask for that.

This must be a cultural thing cos it sure as aint cricket.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 (top of the page) has an interesting perspective, totally different from most posters, and it made me think for a bit. Perhaps we are all curmudgeonly drawbridge types.

HOWEVER it is uncanny how so many "world travellers" have very short arms and very deep pockets. And the hide of a rhinoceros.

OP, you seem to have "permission" from your dh's parents to stop being a doormat. I think you have well and truly gone beyond the call of duty/friendship/patronage of the arts here and you need to Have The Conversation with your cheeky guests.