Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

But I have visited my GP - they know how much I’m struggling, they know all about the difficulties we are facing with the boys as they get all the letters obviously. Aside from anti depressants which do nothing there’s nothing they can do for me until I’m in a position to have time for counselling, which may not be soon but I will try. Certainly there’s not been any suggestion that I have a mental illness independent of the fact that my life is bloody hard right now.

Golly, I wonder what Hairycake’s GP would say to her if she shared honestly how she has delighted in pursuing an unknown stranger in this way.

Oh yes, well actually her GP would be uninterested, as would the OP’s, as GP’s have better things to do than engage in this kind of nonsense!

OP, as you clearly know very well already that it’s sadly perfectly normal for your mental health to suffer under difficult circumstances. I have it clearly written on my notes that I have ‘reactive depression’, rather than depression as an illness in and of itself.

SinkGirl I've not read all the posts. My son is adopted and people use their phones all the time around me and I don't assume they are photographing my son. If they did I would be angry, and would complain. but it's fairly clear to me when people are talking on the phone and when they are taking photos.

The way she tried to get you off the phone was not very helpful.
Getting hold of medical professionals is often difficult and in future you will take any calls in the corridor or wherever is appropriate to do so. My children are beyond nursery age so no idea what the rules are now, it seems the rules at your nursery are not clearly displayed.

Having ill children is exhausting at times. Please relax and forget this incident.

Some comments here are rude, unpleasant or obnoxious. I hope you will ignore these comments. But agree with others, let it go.

XX

I know you said that antidepressants wouldn't be of help - because it's not a chemical thing, but they can actually be really helpful for ptsd, anxiety etc. I had lots of difficulties after having ds - traumatic birth, feeling something was wrong...not being believed, sleep deprivation, ds's constant screaming, not feeding, coping with a 3 and 4 year old at the same time and then, when someone did listen a sudden slew of tests, appointments, therapists. It was overwhelming and (in my case) having a short course of antidepressants dud help, they enabled me to plough on through each day and do what needed to be done. I know they aren't for some people though so completely get why you might not want to go down that route.

Oh SinkGirl, you have so much to deal with. I wish you’d hide this thread for your own sanity because some people are being insufferable twats. Do I think you were a bit unreasonable? Yes, I do but equally, I understand why you took the call and why you were upset. There’s a polite way of telling parents to take calls outside of the area where children are playing and sleeping. This didn’t happen and that’s obviously upset you. Please don’t use anymore headspace worrying what they think of you. Chances are that they don’t even remember, not alone remain cross with you. Perhaps the nursery worker misjudged her tone and feels bad. Who knows? Show yourself some kindness and give yourself a break. You don’t have to be perfect and I’m sur you’re doing a great job,

Golly, I wonder what Hairycake’s GP would say to her if she shared honestly how she has delighted in pursuing an unknown stranger in this way

What utter nonsense. I recommended that someone who is very clearly struggling, visit her GP!
I’m sorry I’m not a member of the “oh you poor thing hun, you do so much for others” club but all I’ve done is recommend she seeks help which she has stated multiple time suits that she needs. Jeez

Hope you're OK after this thread OP.

Just read some of the replies and am shocked. Some people obviously post on AIBU simply to tell the poster they're being unreasonable and any other insults they can think of, whatever the actual story is.

It must have been horrible to have been spoken to like that by your sons' nursery worker and then to miss a vital phonecall because of it would be doubly upsetting. No wonder you felt awful. Be kind to yourself, you did nothing wrong.

You didn't just recommend that though did you hairycake you suggested much more

Actually your deleted post was a lot more specific than that.

And I shouldn’t have been so specific but I still maintain the OP should certainly seek professional help?

Good grief, the drama.

And she says she does see her GP - a professional

Good grief, the spitefulness

Safeguarding? Fucking hell, Britain has gone insane.

Good grief, the spitefulness

You’re either genuinely seeing things that aren’t there or are just gunning to dramatize and pick fights

@MiniMum97 - stop stirring the pot. OP has relaxed so no need for a random stranger like you to hoik their bosom and demand the head of the nursery worker.

I've not read all this thread. I've not been in a nursery for a while, but I'm gobsmacked to find this universal ban on phones, for 'safeguarding'. Yes because they are bloody annoying and some people have no manners, but WTF? Danger?

I could go into a room tomorrow and take photos of the people in it, and you would not know I had done so. No need to be waving a big gadget around. There are many varieties of tiny hidden cameras available.

So either they have to do a total pat-down of everyone as they come through the door (which is a bit hit-or-miss) or they have to think, why does this matter? What is the actual danger of a child being photographed? I'm curious. Of course there will always be perves who will exploit such an image, and that's a sick idea, but much worse things happen outside nursery walls.

I kind of go through life not thinking dreadful things are about to happen, and that most people are not evil.

You “merely suggested OP visit her doctor” and “she’s clearly struggling”.

Shame it didn’t come across as so compassionate and caring when you ‘merely’ told the OP that you found her posts ‘painful to read in the extreme because of her ...’

That’s not you being all thoughtful about a struggling person now is it? That’s you hounding her and deliberately seeking to kick her when you found an in. And that wasn’t even your worst post, which is why I’ve paraphrased it here. That and I don’t like the way you’re attempting to rewrite history and do you’re own bit of gaslighting on the thread now!

So, please don’t try and white wash your behaviour with some faux naivety and a smidgen of ‘hun’ inferences.

If you wanted to be helpful and genuinely thought the OP could gain from your suggestions about her mental health you’d have gone about it in a totally different way. Do you honestly think people go to the doctors after someone incredibly rude harrasses them on the internet? No, didn’t think so.

Sorry OP, I didn’t mean to divert your thread. Just a bit cross at the AIBU is used by some.

OP, please don’t beat yourself up. You made a mistake and admitted it, so it’s done.
You also bravely admitted you are struggling.
Please ask for help again if you’re not getting it already. This comes from a good place.
I have one perfectly healthy child, and it’s hard, I can’t imagine what you’re going through with two, and the health problems you’re dealing with. xx

Pamish maybe bother to read all the thread and see if you learn something from the real life examples shared by previous posters?

PCohle please send page #s, I'm on a deadline

"As for safeguarding shite - if they can't tell the difference between a mother taking a call from a doctor or a paedophile, then I'm not surprised there are extreme measures in place."

Fucking exactly. What a load of bollocks. I take my phone into my kids nursery all the time with no issues. I've even taken photos of their artwork on the wall with it, in front of the nursery staff. None of them give a shit.

This post is a prime example of how different the Mumsnet world is to the real world.

YANBU OP

If you wanted to be helpful and genuinely thought the OP could gain from your suggestions about her mental health you’d have gone about it in a totally different way.

Very insightful there mystic Meg but you don’t know me from Adam and you have no idea what I would or wouldn’t do? I’m utterly flummoxed that you’d presume to know any strangers intentions or what they would or wouldn’t do in any given scenario tbh!

So much effort “reading between the lines” when you could actually just literally read what’s written and try to refrain from dramatizing and being outraged at the little story you’ve concocted in your own head.

PCohle please send page #s, I'm on a deadline

I'm not your fucking lacky. If you haven't got time to RTFT then you haven't got time to post. We'll all just have to live without your blinding insights.

but you don’t know me from Adam and you have no idea what I would or wouldn’t do? I’m utterly flummoxed that you’d presume to know any strangers intentions or what they would or wouldn’t do in any given scenario tbh!

Yet Hairy you appear to think from your deleted post that you have the ability to presume strangers intentions

I apologise I haven't read all the thread. From what I did read SinkGirl I just want to give you a big Ol ((((((((Madd Hugs)))))))) @SinkGirl 🌺🌼🌺🍫🍱🍰🍷

If you got your phone out and started taking pictures I get why the staff would be annoyed but just on a phone call that’s weird. Why would you secretly want to film the kids? Seems we live in very paranoid times.