Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

@FireflyEden - 'Consultants never disclose results over the phone' OP didn't say that in the first place, but what on earth gives you the authority to make that proclamation? Are you privy to the procedures and policies of all NHS Trusts in the UK? Did you write them? If you did, are you 100% certain that no consultant ever, ever steps outside of those guidelines? No? Then why the superior, condescending attitude? For what it's worth, I was told that I had cancer over the phone, by a consultant who rang me. Don't state things as fact just because they're outside of your realm of experience.

Hairycake if you’ve AS my username you’ll have seen that I’ve spent quite a lot of time seeing GPs in the last 12 months about my own health and have got precisely nowhere. I’m not sure what you think they’ll be able to do about it - they can’t treat martyrdom, as far as I’m aware, but thank you for your expert diagnosis on that.

Seriously, I’m a martyr now as well? I’ll be sure to add that to the list of “terrible things about my personality” that I’ve gleaned from the terribly helpful posters on this thread.

Yes, my entire life is consumed by the needs of my twins - that doesn’t make me a martyr, it makes me a mother, just as anyone else here would be if they were in my situation.

I’ve already been outed by this thread after mentioning one of DT2’s diagnoses - that’s how rare it is, they were able to immediately send me a FB message waves. We aren’t talking about common stuff that GPs can handle here (DT2 has seen a GP about three times ever), and certainly they can’t fix the things that would need to be fixed for my anxiety to improve. Antidepressants haven’t made any difference.

marmalade I’m sorry you’re in a similar boat - I’m continually surprised by people’s lack of ability to empathise with situations they haven’t been in, I definitely don’t have that problem. I find that really alien, but we are all different I suppose.

To those posters who are talking about protecting their adopted / at risk children against being photographed, I couldn’t agree with you more - genuinely. Like I’ve said many times, I wasn’t aware of the rule (my fault) and if I had been, I would have immediately gone outside to answer it. Once I got off the phone and my brain had a few seconds to process what was actually going on, I realised what must have been happening - I didn’t have to ask, and I didn’t argue, I apologised. Of course they cannot risk photographs being taken of other children, and of course I don’t believe you can spot a paedophile so of course they don’t know. That’s why I fully agree that it’s a good rule, and one I didn’t intend to break and would not have done had I known. I should have spotted it, it’s my fault that I didn’t. At no point have I suggested otherwise.

Cross posted - I’ve literally just addressed that my2bundles before I saw your comment. I have already stated repeatedly (to a mind numbing degree) that I agree with the policy and would never want to put other children at risk for any reason. I don’t know why you and others are ignoring the fact that I’ve already covered this (so many times).

sinkgirl Am sure my2bundles will be along in a few more posts time to berate you for another omission - it appears to be their "thing"..

Am glad you had a lovely day and best wishes for you and the DT

HairycakeLinehan - unpleasant post and really obnoxious to advance search someone and then use their posts to snidely recommend they have a serious chat with their GP. Fair enough to have a negative opinion, but that was a low blow.

@Sentry70 the OP has directed people to her past posts a few times on the thread to outline just how much she goes through and all the ill health etc.

I'm pleased you have acknowledged this now. An adopted child/ child in some form of protection can have their lives completely ruined if a photo gets online and whoever is a threat identifies whete they are. It can lead to change of address, breakdown of tbe adonation so tbe child can be relocated safely once again causing disruption to their already unsettled life. This is why staff have to act instantly, it might seem abrupt but it could be to protect a child for tbe reasons mentioned.

Thank you myrtle - it was the loveliest morning we have had in a long time. Having a ratio of 2:1 adults to kids makes so much difference - how the other half lives, I guess 😂

We have been working so bloody hard to help them and we are really starting to see the benefits of that now. Just spent tonight doing the review of their extended EYFS criteria and we are finally in the 22-36 month section for some things which is crazy (in September DT2 didn’t even have all the birth - 11 month skills).

Yes, it’s hard to keep going, especially since my own health is pretty shite, but I know how crucial early intervention is so I’m trying to put my head down and push through it. I don’t know what else I can do really apart from rest when I can. No one can take away the anxiety unless they have a crystal ball. Medication can’t fix it, because it’s not a brain chemistry issue, it’s a reaction to my circumstances.

There’s literally no way to win on this board - apparently I’m selfish / entitled and simultaneously a martyr. That is impressive!

I’m an adoptive mum myself. I never felt that the OP was taking no notice of the safeguarding concerns. She has always said that she accepts that she was in the wrong for answering the phone and she has no problem with the rule. I don’t get what wording some of you are looking for.

HairyCake you have gone way too far now. You’re not a medical professional, making such a diagnosis online could potentially be very damaging. Shocking behaviour.

The OP is under stress, but there’s a lot going on in her and her DCs’ lives, so it’s hardly surprising.

I've reported hairycakes post

I have no problem with people AS my username - if I want to post something that I don’t want potentially linked to my children or me I use a different one. I already know that multiple people know this is my username outside of MN (apart from the identifying nature of DT2’s rare condition, my username refers to an injury so unusual that anyone who read the post where I recounted it would immediately know it was me!). I only use it for posts where what I’m posting could be recognisable as me, if that makes sense.

You searching my name didn’t bother me - as you say, I’d suggested it to those who doubted what I was saying about my son’s health. Calling me a martyr and saying I need a serious chat with my GP wasn’t exactly pleasant though, was it? What exactly do you think this chat should entail?

I have reported it too, myrtle. It definitely crosses the line.

HairycakeLinehan - You yourself said you had advance searched her posts, then you said 'the martyr vibe is overwhelming'. I stand by what I said earlier, that is a snide and unnecessarily unpleasant thing to say in my opinion, although clearly not in yours.

Thanks Sinkgirl. Totally agree about the medication, I've not tried anything other than CBT though, and although it felt good to talk about it and it validated my feelings about the situation, it won't ever get better as like you say it's a reaction to circumstances, not something that can ever change or be 'fixed', so we just have to deal with it, somehow, and just carry on. Have you thought about talking to someone? It's a big thing to approach but may help, even just a little. Don't beat yourself up on this issue, easier said than done though I know.

Some people really love talking about things they know nothing about, with remarkable authority, don’t they?!

This should be the Mumsnet tagline!

(Love you all really mwah mwah)

Just seen your most recent post re other posters now deleted comments, I certainly wasn't referring to those in the slightest so I hope no offence is taken, certainly none meant!

You wouldn’t be impressed to see a parent on their phone in your child’s nursery room with the potential to film or photograph children airs a safeguarding policy that I’m sure on reflection you’ll thank them for. You could have said this could be DS doctor and just left the room asking caller to hold on... you’re being over sensitive and precious. Forget about it and get on with your day

I didn’t see what she said - I’m assuming it wasn’t a compliment!

I would never ever ever take photos inside a nursery or school, or photos that include other kids - if one did get into the background of a photo on the park or beach etc I wouldn’t share it. I’m very aware of how dangerous this could be - without putting too fine a point on it, my own father has no idea what my name is or where I am and hasn’t since my i was 13, so I fully understand the repercussions of that. I wasn’t thinking about the fact that being on a phone call could potentially mean someone was covertly taking photos - now it has been pointed out it makes absolute sense. This is why, very early on in the thread, I said that I was just as upset about having inadvertently broken this rule as I was about missing the call. And of course the nursery can’t know that I would never do this, which is why I’ve also said that I don’t think for a second they should have made an exception to the rules for me. All I’ve said on that is that I would have appreciated being asked to step outside instead (and those saying that wouldn’t be possible - it would have been, I could at least have asked the consultant to call me back in 30 seconds and gone right outside). At no point have I come even close to suggesting that my call was more important than the safety of other children, rather than understanding it was an error made in a high-stress situation.

Those who’ve kindly discussed the reasons (which all make sense as I’ve said), offered me advice on how to avoid feeling like this in the future and defended me because they can see where I’m coming from have really helped me to get through that initial fog that hit me yesterday so I really, really appreciate your time. Fortunately I’m feeling much stronger than I was yesterday but that’s how things go for me - I can only hold my shit together for so long and then it’s just the next little problem that comes along that sets me off, even when I’ve dealt with much bigger things recently.

a safeguarding policy that I’m sure on reflection you’ll thank them for.

Yep, which is why that’s exactly what I said, in my first response to the thread i believe.

Not at all marmalade, whatever she said was deleted very quickly, so I didn’t think that at all - I didn’t even see it.

I've taken important calls at school I was directed to a corridor and supervised sometimes calls are important

I merely suggested OP visit her doctor because this and previous threads indicate there is issues that need to be dealt with.

I shouldn’t have said what it seemed like to me but I do urge OP to seek professional help

Thanks fairylights - no, I haven’t had any counselling since I was pregnant, which is when my anxiety started. I think I’ve been battling birth trauma, PND and possibly PTSD (relating back to past experiences) since then but I didn’t realise it for a long time because I’ve basically just been firefighting since they were born. I do feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel - we’ve been through a very difficult year (this time last year, we had one manageable diagnosis for DT2 and nothing for DT1). Everything else has spiralled since last May. We’ve been through so much medical stuff and testing, much of which is done and dusted now but some things require ongoing testing as the related problems can develop at any age. They are making good progress, they’re starting an extra morning at nursery, we are getting a homestart volunteer soon which I’m really looking forward to. So I’m hoping I will have a bit more time to approach things like this soon. I’ve been looking into EMDR and hoping to pursue that soon.