Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

YABU, Consultants never disclose results over the phone, you were rude to answer the phone when your DC nursery staff were talking to you. I think you are not being truthful about this

Oh come on, at least read the OP’s posts properly. She never said she was getting results over the phone. She said (repeatedly) that she was finding out why here DS was being sent for a particular test that he’d got an appointment for.

My daughters primary school doesnt allow phones on the premises.

Just to give you a real life anecdote, my abusive ex boyfriend used to video me while pretending to be on the phone. It's very easy to do. I would be absolutely livid to see someone on the phone in my childs nursery.
A child from my daughters ballet class also had to move away because someone had posted a photo of her on social media and they were in hiding from the mothers ex boyfriend.

Consultants never disclose results over the phone

Oh dear. I've clearly been having hallucinations.

Personally I think the nursery staff member was being unreasonable, but I do think that your anxiety about it is excessive. Have you looked into how ASD affects girls? It can be quite different to how it affects boys, having two girls on the spectrum myself I have had to explore this quite a bit, looking at the traits have given me a lot of insight into myself and my life so far. Wish you all the best.

YABVU
Safeguarding in a nursery is vital for the safety of all children.
The staff have a duty of care to enforce this. As others have pointed out the staff could be reported if they ignored the fact you were on the phone.
You sound very entitled and this is a dangerous attitude to pass to your children.
And I’m very sceptical that a consultant was genuinely ringing you (unless your child’s treatment is private?) Far more likely to be her secretary who could have been contacted later.
99% of parents respect, understand and obey the “no phones” rule. The member of staff only spoke sharply to you as it is only the rude, ignorant & entitled parents who have no respect for the nursery, and the safety of the other children who break the no phones rule.

While it may seem obvious when someone is taking a call vs filming, there are plenty of background apps and other apps that record audio and/or video at any time, even when or sometimes start recording when a phone call is happening. Some use them for abusive purposes and plenty of other people use versions specifically to record phone calls for other reasons (keep important medical calls together or to keep a record of harassment without obviously holding a phone to record), but it's pretty easy to see how that could be a safeguarding issue. Clarity on the policy seems to be needed here, but there are plenty of common sense ideas that aren't keeping up with technology.

SinkGirl It sounds like you're going through a really hard time and it's not surprising something like this could be a straw that broke a very tense camel's back. I agree with the recommendation earlier to come up with, practice, visualize a calm conversation with the staff about it. I really recommend Mel Robbin's videos on youtube for anxiety and stress, she has a load of techniques that won't take the stress away, but may be useful for you.

Anyone who can’t understand how frustrating it is to miss a call from the hospital, can fuck off. It is incredibly difficult to get hold of consultants and for them to phone you is as rare as a lottery win. I often wait weeks for calls from DD’s consultants and yes, waiting another week (but most likely much longer) for information is really difficult. It’s not about having the information immediately, it is about being able to speak to a doctor and get information you have been waiting for for weeks. I will step out of any meeting if the call is about DDs medical stuff.

The “rules are rules” culture is bloody ridiculous. There are always exceptions to a rule and the only issue here is the OP would have been better to say it was the consultant when she took the call. Sure, step out of the room would have been good too, but the staff were being arsey for no reason. There is no safeguarding issue with someone taking a call and they simply could have asked her in the future to leave the room if she needs to take a call. Or they could have said to her before she answered it.

And I’m very sceptical that a consultant was genuinely ringing you (unless your child’s treatment is private?)

For us it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen and we’re in the NHS.

Consultants never disclose results over the phone

Sure they do. Mine once gave me some really quite bad results from a test as I was in a cab with my boss on the way back from a meeting. Not the best moment in my life.

And I’m very sceptical that a consultant was genuinely ringing you
Why? My ds's gastro consultant, paediatric consultant, cardiac consultant and genetics consultant have all phoned me with regards to ds's care, they are all nhs.

You sound very entitled she really doesn't.

I work in a preschool, we have safeguarding rules, yes. We have a duty of care to our children, yes. We also have a duty to work in partnership with families. The situation the op found herself in could have been handled better by the setting.

But the nursery staff didn't know the nature of the call. They weren't "being arsey for no reason" they were enforcing a safeguarding policy with no idea of the nature of the call they were interrupting.

The only person who knew how important the call was was the OP, but rather than mouthing "sorry" and stepping out, she felt flustered and ended the call. That's unfortunate but it's not the nursery's fault.

I work in the NHS and yes, consultants do of course call patients. They also give and discuss results, sometimes including very significant ones (if time is of the essence).

There is no call to suggest the OP is lying about this.

But rather than saying, "can you get off your phone?” she could have said, "I'm really sorry, you shouldn't be on your phone here...but you can step outside/take it in here etc and shown her to a place which is ok to take a phone call.

but you can step outside/take it in here etc and shown her to a place which is ok to take a phone call.

In some nurseries there is no such place. The nursery that my sister works, all the staffs phones go into a safe that is locked until the end of the shift.

There must be an outside!

That seems like quite a lengthy conversation to try and have with someone who is on the phone.

And of the course the nursery staff member had no idea it was an important call rather than OP's DH asking what was for tea.

The whole thing makes no sense if it wasn’t a call from the consultant. The OP would hardly have bothered to take the phone into the nursery with her if it hadn’t been an important call from the consultant that she had been waiting for. (She herself says that she usually left the phone in the car.)

The ability of some posters to launch two footed into a thread that is over 300 posts long, desperate to impart their earth shattering view without taking a moment to at least scan the OPs posts and see if the situation has moved on never fails to amaze me on MN.

Some people really love talking about things they know nothing about, with remarkable authority, don’t they?!

All bar one of my twins’ consultants have made calls to me for various reasons in the last couple of years. I’ve had non-urgent results by letter, and results for more important / worrying tests by phone every single time. Tests are discussed and arranged in clinic, and the next appointment may be 3-9 months later - do you think all patients wait for that long to get the results of a blood test?

His old paediatrician gave me her email address when we were discharged from NICU. Whenever he was having difficulties that didn’t require immediate medical attention, I would email her and she would either email me back or call. Her leaving and the cases being taken over if the reason everything has been a bit of a mess and I haven’t been notified of the most recent results yet, but more tests have been booked in.

I mentioned a specific genetic test earlier - that consultant was mortified when she realised the test hadn’t been done and, despite my protestations, she called me within an hour of the results coming back.

The consultants I’m under for my own health issues have never called me and I’ve always had to wait to see them, but for my children it’s completely different.

And thank you to everyone who’s tried to tell me I’m a good mum - I never knew it was a bad thing to be a perfectionist until I had children, and especially children with disabilities. I know I need to learn to give myself a break - I’m working on it!

You were humiliated. Nobody likes that (to put it mildly) and it will hurt like smack round the face until the pain wears off, (which it will). It is OK, it is natural. Forget about the issue, don't use your phone again in there and don't dredge it up. Just continue to deal with the staff in a friendly detached way.

It will be OK. But you are very bound up in your public persona and you need to stop performing for the world. it is an impossible audience to impress.

I’ve also had consultant NHS paediatricians phone me directly about my DC’s medical tests.
And I’ve also been given hospital test results (again NHS) over the phone before.

It’s not happened all that often with us, but when we have had this sort of phone call from a consultant, it’s always been because there’s some urgency about getting tests done quickly or about following up worrying results quickly.

Sinkgirl, I don't think anyone who isn't in this position could truly understand the sheer amount of anxiety that comes with this type of situation, ie trying to get everything right every time for your children where lots of appointments, prescriptions, phonecalls etc are needed, you described it so well as like being a PA, I know because I've been there, I am there, and it's b*** hard work but we wouldn't change it (other than to take the conditions away entirely) for the world because they are our children and we love them more than life itself. I've never ever had anxiety before this, I've known parenting before a disability diagnosis and I've known parenting after, and it's purely to do with all the juggling.

In this instance, obviously you know for next time, the answer is to take the call outside, but you say you were genuinely unaware of this fact at the time and it sounds like the member of staff concerned could have been a little kinder at what could quite clearly have been a difficult time.

It's a tough one, I don't think the world owes me or my child anything at all, however just a little understanding and compassion at times can go a long way but the fact is that caring for a child with any illness or disability is a world away for bringing up a child without one so can be beyond the imagination of some previous posters here who have not been very kind to you.

You're doing great

OP. You have completely ignored the poster who explained why she would be angry if anyone used a phone in a nursery. Because her adopted child would be at very real rusk of harm if a photo of tne child got onto social media. Yes we know te call was important, to you. Can you put yourself in some else's shoes for one minute and see the dangers other kids face due to people using phones in nurserys.