AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

[TLBftm]

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

THe problem is OP because you have done all of this you have babied him, you have almost become his mother letting him get away with doing what he wants so at the first sign of you actually asking him to do something he has thrown his toys out of the pram.

You are not helping him tbh doing everything and not having a fairer split.

You need to work out what your monthly expenses are as a family and each pay into it proportionate to your earnings, including on mat leave. Then you each have some left over that you can use for your own personal expenses. You need to work out the separate budgets for you being at home and you working part-time (at a likely salary as you don't have a job to go back to) including childcare costs. Having children is expensive, but if you can find a trade off where you get a day or two home a week for a bit, great. But don't sacrifice your career for it. Find a full-time job that will let you do flexible working so you maintain your career and your earning power even while you enjoy some extra time at home.

Work out the cost of a child minder and present him with half the bill, half of child expenses, clothes nappies, everything. He clearly has no idea that childcare of a baby is sometimes equal to a mortgage ! I don’t think you can tell him what to do, you can make your idea sound attractive as an incentive. Let him take paternity leave too. Big mistake. Massive mistake to give up your career. If you don’t like your job look for something else. Find a nursery close to work to save time and money whilst commuting. I’m a sahp, I regret not returning to work.

stucknoue I think op had already done this and found it isn’t worth her returning to work.

Bear in mind it can be quite stressful and quite a lot of pressure being the sole breadwinner

No more pressure than being the one solely responsible for actually raising a child.

Rubbish
The sole responsibility of paying bills,mortgage,food
Bears no comparison to being the recipient of mortgage,bills,food
It’s huge responsibility to be the sole earner

@crispysausagerolls
I am a SAHM and I think YABVU.Completely unfair to spring this on your partner, he clearly is not alright with it and it will breed resentment if you try to force it.*
So you can be SAHM whilst OP has to work?
What now...

Well I disagree Lipstick, have done it, did not find it a big deal.
But the responsibility of bringing up a kid is terrifying.

Although I accept different things stress out different people. Earning money and being responsible for bringing it in has never been one to stress me out.

Also SAHM have a much higher rate of anxiety and depression than sole breadwinners, so I am not the only one that feels that way.

He needs to step up and provide for his family no

No, a child is the financial responsibility of both parents not just the male.

If DH suddenly announced he was taking three months off unpaid then cutting his hours down and I should just suck up the financial responsibility he would be in for a rude awakening. I never want to be the sole or main earner as I want an equal partnership. Neither would I wanted to be dictated too as to what was going to happen.

I haven’t introduced stress,that was you Claire
I don’t find bringing up my family so terrifying in the least.its not onerous

We did a spreadsheet of all our income and outgoings. Then we did the same but with added costs of babies (had twins) and quickly realised we would not maintain any kind of quality of life without my income. I think that would be my advice to you. You need to look at what you have, what you will need and a contingency fund (when car needs a part or boiler breaks down... a cost you couldn't cover out of a monthly salary)

So, it was statutory time off for me, then back FT. Child are costs nearly crippled us but we got through it (just) and I'm now really glad I didn't give up work or go PT because I had better career progression and navigated myself into a role where I have seniority and can WFH as I need to. The sacrifices then mean things are better now.
Raising baby is joint enterprise and both parents should have some time off with the baby and neither should feel 'put upon' because of anyone's choice.
Good luck.

But the responsibility of bringing up a kid is terrifying.

But all parents have that responsibility, whether they work outside the home or not.

Lipstick Are you a woman?

@SherlockSays
Of course YABU hmm. What if he would like some time with your baby, what if he wants to go part time?
I returned to work last week after 9 months (which was more than enough for me) and have dropped 1 day per week, so I work 30 hours, however, it's still a 30k+ salary.
You wanted to return to work though.
I’m a feminist but honestly think women need to be able to make choices re childcare.
I really didn’t want to leave my DC’s in nursery until they were 2 plus my DH couldn’t breastfeed🤷🏽‍♀️

I'm shocked at some of the comments- especially the " springing it on him" theme.

Do posters imagine that he's not noticed there was a baby in the house?

However she felt before the baby arrived is irrelevant to how she feels now- because her baby is out, in her arms, a real person, and not just a hypothetical. People often do feel differently.

And they are meant to be a family- a partnership. If they can affordfor her to stay at home, then it's worth discussing.

I absolutely hate when there's an assumption that feminism means men and women are the same. I don't think we are. I do believe that generally, women bond in a different way to their children than men do, and have a greater emotional need to be physically close to them ( breastfeeding aside).
It's hardly being a CF to want to stay at home to look after your baby.

Lipstick are you a woman?Oh go on Claire,explain your rationale.the exacting thought processes.

Alexa There is an enormous difference between a parent who is actually doing all the childcare as OP is, and a parent that occasionally plays with their kid. It is wrong to say all parents have that responsibility. Yes they all should have. But in reality some parents, mainly dads, step away from that responsibility or dip in and out as the mood takes them.

ghanagirl
Read my other bloody posts ffs.

Lipstick Just curious. But anyway we obviously get stressed about different things. And as I said sahm are more at risk of poor mental health than sole breadwinners. The responsibility of being a sole breadwinner never phased me. But I also ran my own company for 12 years employing people and that responsibility never phased me either.

But I accept different things stress people, or they find different things more difficult. But it is wrong to state as a fact that being a sole breadwinner is a difficult responsibility. It depends on the individual.

I’m a feminist but honestly think women need to be able to make choices re childcare

I agree, but the OP's situation is much more complex. She is living with a spoilt manchild who thought he could have a child without having to alter any part of his life

There is nothing "feminist" about recommending an unmarried woman give up / delay her career to take care of her child. She's damaging her earning potential with no security should the relationship fail.

1. If you're going to be a SAHM, particularly for the longer term, you should get married. This doesn't mean you need to have a wedding, it means you need the legal protections available through marriage. You are making yourself enormously financially vulnerable by giving up your career/earning potential without the legal protections of marriage. And don't make it worse by having more kids/buying a house together before you're married. Marriage is not the only way forward for everyone, and I am delighted with those who choose to follow whatever path they want the most. BUT unless you are otherwise financially self-sufficient, it would be a huge mistake to stop your career and be a SAHM without marriage. Honestly, go to the registrar, like, this month. Have the wedding later.

1. If you enjoy staying at home and doing domestic labor, that's absolutely great. There's nothing wrong with this and you should be super proud of all your domestic successes (said with absolute sincerity). But please don't call it "women's work," as it's nothing of the sort.

1. Your partner needs to be making an equitable contribution to the household. It doesn't seem as if he has at any point.

a) Pre-pregnancy, when you were living together but making significantly unequal amounts, I don't think the bills should have been split 50-50 but rather in proportion to your income (so, e.g., 60-40 him-you).

b) Now that you have a child, the operation of the household demands equity even further. If you take on all domestic labor, he needs to support the household; if you go to full-time work, he needs to split both the domestic labor and the costs for hiring professionals (e.g. daycare, cleaner, etc).

1. It's not great that you haven't had a formal conversation about this ahead of time. You were clearly relying on his offhand comments; he was making comments without imaging any sort of sacrifice for himself. That said, you are where you are, leading to...

1. You can't declare unilaterally that you will stay home, and he's well within his rights to say that he wants you to work. (However, if he does so, he has to do at least 50% around the house and pay for daycare in proportion to your relative earnings. He doesn't get to demand you work and also decide to shirk his domestic and financial obligations.)

But based on further messages, it sounds like he would actually be quite happy for you to be a SAHM--or, at least, that he would hate to do that much domestic labor or pay towards daycare. Thus, you need to sit down and talk seriously about the division of financial earnings and domestic labor. Do not allow him to run roughshod over you in this (or any) regard.

1. And finally, why the hell is he swanning off to activities and leaving you at home to do everything else? He needs to realize that, planned or no, this pregnancy has fundamentally and entirely changed his life for the rest of his life. It's too bad that he wants to live as a 28-year-old without responsibilities, because he isn't one anymore.

Alexa There is an enormous difference between a parent who is actually doing all the childcare as OP is, and a parent that occasionally plays with their kid. It is wrong to say all parents have that responsibility. Yes they all should have. But in reality some parents, mainly dads, step away from that responsibility or dip in and out as the mood takes them.

Yeah, fair enough. I guess families that have a SAHP do sometimes end up with that kind of imbalance between parents, though I'm sure that many strive to guard against it. It's one of the reasons why I'd never choose to have a SAHP set-up. So sad to deprive the child from forming a close bond with both parents, and it would be utterly devastating for them to lose their only care-giver. I don't really understand why anyone lives like this tbh.

(For the record, when I say "he's well within his rights to say that he wants you to work," what I mean is that he's reasonable to say that he doesn't want to be the sole breadwinner and instead wants to split financial and domestic responsibilities. But he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too.)

Also, that was a far longer post than I intended...