AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

[TLBftm]

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

Alexa You see I can't understand anyone that has the choice, putting a 9 month old baby in full time nursery. I really can't. I know not everyone has the choice, and I know some mums are desperate to get back to work. But I worked in a nursery with babies from 6 months (maternity leave was less then), and unless mums and dads are poor parents, it is not the best place for them.

I do understand though mums in relationships like this continuing to work because it is clear that things are going to go to shit and for the long term benefit of the bbay, OP needs to be able to support herself.

Wow you have mug written all over you OP, your partner gets a dutiful little housewife and baby maker without having to marry you And you pay half the bills even though you make 24 grand less than him a year. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

And you're surprised he doesn't like the changes you've proposed? 🙈

DO you worry he will leave or that you love him more OP?

if you are going to be the same money wise, wouldn’t you rather a parent looked after the child rather than a stranger?!

Yes op, I would 100%. I wanted our children with me or Dh when they were little, not in a noisy nursery setting. It’s not ideal at all.

I would have made any sacrifice necessary to be at home with them. It’s a relatively short time in the grand scheme of things, yet so important.

YANBU

This must be a reverse!

IHaveNoIdeaReally

You user name is very apt.

Op you have my sympathies. Yanbu.

Having children is not just equated to finances. It's a profound ongoing relationship between child and parents. So much emotionally, physically, financially is invested in this little human being you created. Any parent worth their salt would step in front of a bullet for their child, would you do that for you're wallet.
Responsibility for the needs of the child are on both parents. But, the sahm takes on the lion share of the nurturing, developing and emotional well-being of the baby and the other parent can take on the lions share of the financial burden. The total responsibility is seemingly divided in proportion. And I say this for whichever parent is staying home to rear the child.
What the op is suggesting is a fair division.
There is so much wrong with how her partner has continued his life without too much adjustment and now with her wanting to sahm he has no escape or he can't remain oblivious to his responsibilities. He needs to get his head around this. Sounds to me like he was unintentionally stringing her along with the plans for the future.
He may very well be a good dad, good partner but what he isn't good at is being an adult and I'm sorry to say but you played a hand in this. If you're happy to be the 50's housewife, go ahead , it makes you happy and by extension your partner as he is absolved from the "house" duties. I am a sahm and I love it and I make no apologies for it. I can see where you're coming from. But I our house, any income is for the family, if I want a new pair of shoes I get it, if he wants a night out on the town off he goes but both of us make sure that the families needs are met (I mean all needs not just the financial). I don't ask my dh for money, I access the family finance and I don't need permission to do so.
As others have said, lay out all the costs of working so he can see it in black and white and he might get more real about how much extra work is involved for him. One item missing from other suggestions: if your child is sick and has to stay home from nursery, he needn't assume you'll be taking all the days off from your annual leave, he'll have to "budget" his annual leave for approx 3/5 days per year for appointments, Drs, check ups, sick days along with you.
If he wants the 1950s wife then he will need to take the financial burden, if he wants the modern wife then he will have to take half the "burden of domestic work" . He cannot have both.
Don't worry too much about his reaction tonight, give him some time to get his head around the a fact that he needs to put on his big boy pants now.

You see I can't understand anyone that has the choice, putting a 9 month old baby in full time nursery. I really can't.

No, if I'm honest, I don't really understand why people would choose nursery for that age group either, it wouldn't have been my choice. However, people obviously have their reasons.

We were very fortunate in being able to split most of the childcare between us thanks to very flexible jobs, and we had a wonderful nanny to cover the other 3-4 hours per day before dd started school. Of course, I realise that not everyone has those options, but I'd have opted for a decent childminder any day over and above a nursery setting - at least for a very young child. I have friends who did this and they still have a fabulously strong bond with their former childminder, many years later - just as we still have a fantastic relationship with dd's former nanny more than 10 years on. I don't think many people stay in touch with their former nursery staff, but I could be wrong.

For me, it was very important that dd should form an attachment to any regular caregiver, and for that reason, nursery was out. However, I imagine that for some parents, there is more security/supervision in a group setting, and better cover in case of illness etc. Each to their own, I guess.

Women in the 1950s had the security of marriage. You dont have that I'm afraid. You say you like the 1950s way of doing things, I don't see that you do?

You want to do all the housework and stay in while he goes off drinking and seeing mates and you want to stay home while he earns far more than you...and you aren't married?!
What the ever loving fuck happens to some women's brains? Why would you put yourself in such a vulnerable position?

AlexaShutUp:there is more security/supervision in a group setting, and better cover in case of illness

Is there not.less security for illness, child with the sniffles or a cough being sent home .

Is there not.less security for illness, child with the sniffles or a cough being sent home

Yes, sorry, I was thinking about the caregiver being ill rather than the child, but you're right - from what I hear, nurseries are usually incredibly strict about not taking kids who are a little bit under the weather.

Another point against nurseries, then, but I'm sure that those who choose them have their reasons.

I chose nursery my children were very happy there. 8 years after they left we're still friends with some of the nursery nurses and other families. Nursery nurses also babysat for me and still do!

Sorry you are getting a hard time OP. I think a lot of people have misread your post and think you currently have a 9 month old not a newborn. Its not really springing anything on your DP to reassess now the baby has arrived.

I was a SAHM for about 18months with first DC1, not really by choice as my temp contract ended. I got quite depressed and it wasn't a good time. Then worked part time, then stopped work after DC2 as work wasn't financially viable.

Its fine to be a SAHM if you want to be, so long as you both agree thats best. For all the people throwing comments about feminism around - the idea is to give women a CHOICE - not to force them into one role or another. I am a SAHM. I do all the housework (although I am bad at it) and all the cooking on weekdays. I also do all the DIY including heavy lifting, painting, climbing ladders to clean gutters etc, which confuses some of my elderly neighbours. I run the kids around to clubs etc after school. I make a bit of money selling things we don't need any more and save money by spending time shopping around and buying second hand. I am now studying and volunteering and planning to go back to work towards the end of this year. Being a SAHM can be a very positive move.

I do agree with some other posters however that you are in a legally and financially vulnerable position if you are not married. If you don't think your DP wants to get married, I would start a separate savings account and keep adding to it until you have a good sum of money so that if you ever did need immediate access to money you have it, with or without your DP.

You are being massively unreasonable to only be discussing this now!
You are also unreasonable to refer to the child you both share as your DS the whole way through your thread. It seems to me you are pitting you and your son against your partner

Interesting, Hollow. Had assumed that those relationships were less likely to continue but perhaps that is a wrong asumption.

What is abundantly clear to me now that dd is a teenager is that there is no discernable difference between those who had SAHP, those who had nannies or childminders and those who went to nursery. Some in each category are very well adjusted and have fantastic relationships with their parents, and some in each category appear to have gone off the rails. In the end, it's the quality of your relationships that matters, rather than whether you work or not, or what type of childcare you use.

Woah... He does NOTHING around the house?

You may say you like doing absolutely everything, but you will not have much time on your hands once you are back at work while also rearing the child for two of you and cooking, cleaning, shopping for all of you. Literally all he does is contribute financially, yet you were still paying 50/50? He got a great deal when he married you.

While you are still on mat leave have a good hard think about how you see your future playing out. This dynamic really isn't fair on you, try to see that.

It's very sweet, the nursery nurses have children of their own now! It's been lovely for my children to maintain those relationships. Nursery were also v flexible when I had some injuries and could not walk, my children attended for some extra days which was a godsend if you have no family locally. A lovely bunch of nursery nurses, happy memories and long lasting relationships.

*I missed the part where you said you're not married. Well that's an even better deal for him, and an even worse one for you...

Nurseries are great for toddlers.

Nurseries are great for toddlers.

Yes, dd went to nursery part time for a term just before starting school, not because we actually needed the childcare (we had just moved for my new job and DH was between jobs at the time) but because we felt it would be good for her to have some social interaction in our new town before going into reception. The closest friend she made at that nursery - the child of a SAHM so presumably at nursery for similar reasons as dd - is still her best friend now!

It was very nice and dd thoroughly enjoyed it, but I wouldn't personally have chosen that kind of setting for a child under 2.5-3ish. Having said that, I have met other parents whose kids were there

As it happens, we did stay in touch with dd's keyworker after that one short term, but that was more because she had something very specific in common with us as parents rather than any particular bond with dd.

YANBU to want to stay home with your son.
You are, however, foolish to not have fully discussed this prior to having the baby.
You also should have got married when you found out you were pregnant if you even had an inkling that you might want to stay home. Getting married doesn't cost much.

Anyway, how did the chat go?

That was supposed to say

Having said that, I have met other parents whose kids were there from a young age and they were really happy with the care that their children received.

Not sure what happened to the other half of the sentence!

Anyhow, we have digressed. OP, I really don't think it's fair to demand that your DH is the only breadwinner if he isn't happy with that set-up, but it isn't fair for you to take on more than half of the domestic burden if you're also expected to work, so please don't accept that.

Ultimately, your DH doesn't sound terribly family-oriented, so as you're not married, I would urge you to think very carefully about putting yourself in the position of being financially dependent on him. It's a massive risk!

Haven’t you posted on another thread that you are going back to work in January? Is it because of having to let your MIL do the childcare that you don’t want to go back?

This should have been discussed before the birth or just after but hey ho it wasn’t and that’s that. YANBU, to be honest he is being completely unrealistic about the costs involved in you going back to work too quickly and the stress you will feel by doing so. Present him with the costs of childcare and see what he says, I would stay at home as long as you can if possible because work can wait. If you don’t have a particularly well paid job then what’s the rush and yes I do think that he should provide for you both, it’s not forever it’s only an extra 3 months.