AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

[TLBftm]

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

You work for the NHS? Does this mean you could work a long day one day on the weekend? Leaving him with responsibility for baby, less time to spend money of enjoying himself.... less money needed for childcare...... less time for your baby to be 'shipped off', instead being looked after by a parent!

Then do two more long days in the week, that brings you up to almost full time. He would have to do drop off and pick up for childcare and do after pick up until bed time.

You wanting him to pay for 3 months is neither NU or U, the problem is that you don't agree, and you didn't discuss it in advance. i think you should both look at it from the perspective of what is best for the baby, not what you want or what he wants, and although there will be different points of view, there is also research on the subject which you and he may not be aware of, and I'd say to start discussions based on objective research would be a good idea.

You really do also need to look at where you stand legally and have a look at finances generally, like pps have said.

Me and Dp discussed money/mat leave/childcare etc as soon as we found out I was pregnant with our Ds (unplanned). We already split in proportion to our wages and we split housework 50/50, honestly I'd hate your way of doing things but so would my Dp. Anyway that's not the point.

We looked at everything, maternity pay, childcare costs, we talked about our ideal which for me was a year off and return part time, we discussed how best to meet that. Credit where it's due to my Dp he worked his socks off, overtime when ever he could so we could save as much as possible to facilitate it.
Then found out I'm pregnant with second which completely screwed our plans. Again we talked about what we both wanted, what we could afford. I considered staying home with them both but decided it wasn't for me. Instead I'm going back earlier but only two days a week, then I'll take a year with second Dc and go back two long days after that, Dp will do pick ups on the days I work.

For us though it was a joint decision around what we felt was best for us as a family.
But if I felt it was at all unequal or that Dp wasn't 100% on board, then I'd be going back full time and expecting him to be 50% responsible for childcare costs but also drop offs/pick ups/sick days/appointments, everything.
Dp's wages are in a joint account too and I have full access. He still does 50% of house work too, despite me being on mat leave.

Never mind why aren't you married, is your name on the house OP? If it isn't you literally have no protection, he could throw you out anytime.

You sound like a poor woman with a wealthy man, it's very sad that he doesn't want to share with you, or for your to have what he has. It sounds selfish and uncaring of him.

I won’t lie he does get the best of things but I don’t mind at all.

Why don't you mind? You are a family now, you've had his child, he should be sharing with you.

OP - You day you want a 1950s set-up, but you are about as far away from that as you can get!

In the 50s, the man at least understood that the role of financial provider was his.

A “man” like your DP in the 1950s would have been scorned but all and made to feel shame for sending his wife back to work too early.

Also, in the 1950s, a woman had the legal protection of marriage.

Where on earth did you ever get the impression that tour set-up is even remotely normal or acceptable? I find it unbelievable.

Honestly thank you all for comments... even some of the harsher ones. I’m 26, he’s 28, been together 6 years... we bought our house together. We have always discussed our excitement for getting married and having babies and I did always say I’d like to be married before having his children. However a failed contraception saw us pregnant. And tbh we were over the moon. I was a little gutted we weren’t married but I thought ohwel, I don’t care, we get a child! I do think we will marry eventually.

He’s really not a band person. He’s a great dad, he’s amazing with me and treats me the best! I can’t knock him. In honesty, he probably would chip in with housework and cooking etc if I asked, he did a lot while I was heavily pregnant, I just don’t ask cos I’m happy doing it myself. I don’t think I’m being a mug and I think I may have painted a picture of a bad set up but it’s really not. We are both genuinely happy. I do do a lot and I guess I kind of feel that in return, I’d like to stay home with our child a bit longer. For the child. No one else. If I could pick the ideal situation I’d have DS at home with a parent until he’s 2, but that’s just MO but that would get hard on finances eventually.

Maybe my posts come across wrong. The main issue here really is, that DP doesn’t like having less money and I don’t think that should be an issue. I’d have less limbs if it meant my son was better off lol

You need to sit down together and work out all monthly expenses. Get a spreadsheet and log everything, all bills, food shopping, expenses for your child and a set amount per month that you both will use for your own personal expenses. Then log what you have coming in and how that would change with different work hour scenarios and the childcare cost needed. Only when you have the facts and figures and have had a frank discussion about what you both want can you make an informed decision together about what is best for the family but why this hasn't been properly discussed way before now is beyond me.

The main issue here really is, that DP doesn’t like having less money
Having a baby and ongoing responsibilities for child is expensive
I don’t get how he doesn’t get that he’ll have less dough now he has a baby

YANBU at all. If your partner expects you to do all the housework and be the primary care giver for your child then you can expect him to be the main provider. Otherwise he’s taking the P expecting you to take on all the extra load that comes along with having a child AND work full time. Does he realize how much childcare costs? How much he’d have to pay you if you were a nanny (and a cleaner)?

It can be utterly miserable working full time when you’re a mum and have a young child - when you’re expected to function at 100% at work and then go home and do your second shift of preparing dinner, cleaning, getting the children ready for bed, waking up in the night with your child, breastfeeding/pumping, always being the one who has to take days off when the child is sick to bring them to the doctor. It’s totally fair you don’t want to run yourself into the ground while your partner’s life barely changes after having a child.

It seems like you enjoy being a SAHM and are good at it.

Yes it would have been better to discuss it before having a child - but we all make mistakes and don’t fully comprehend how life will change after a baby until it actually happens. I’m glad it’s something my DH and I are on the same page about.

And it’s such crap that a man’s penis doesn’t mean he should take on the responsibility to provide for his family. Uh, yeah it does. A woman’s breasts, ovaries, uterus, different hormonal profile, etc. mean that we are the ones who have to give birth, recover from birth, possibly live with permanent damage from birth, breastfeed and live with the exhaustion from the nightfeeds, pump breastmilk in our lunch breaks, take on the main childcaring role etc. Becoming a mother is a life changing event - both amazing and exhausting and possibly traumatic (hence the levels of post natal depression). Becoming a father, not so much. Men are laughing at us for what we’re letting them get away with! We’re now doing EVERYTHING, and thinking we “have it all”.

Being a SAHM when you have a supportive husband can be a really beautiful and fulfilling thing, and can provide a nice environment for children to grow up in. And can also give a man a real sense of pride in providing for his family. I hope this is in your future OP if it’s what you really want.

I could say I had a great role model of a working mother, but the truth is that all I wanted was for her to be home more. She is a super-hero to me but it’s sad to see how she ran herself into the ground trying to be the best mother and also provide financially- there honestly just aren’t enough hours in the day and I felt very alone and abandoned. My dad sat on the sidelines and had a very easy life

You need to make the decision as parents then, what's best for your baby, not how hard it will be on your DP's wallet.

OP I don't think it's unreasonable and I think a lot of the replies are very harsh!!

We had similar issues when we had our first child 10 years ago my OH didn't like having to make sacrifices eg designer clothes, flash holidays, expensive hobbies etc spending all "his" money on the house and bills, like you my earnings were much less than his anyway and I did all the house/childcare stuff. Once I showed him the cost of full time childcare (basically my whole salary!) and he saw my working hours would mean no one was home all day doing his washing/ironing and cooking his dinner he soon changed his tune lol!

Oh and if he thinks childcare is expensive for one child... don't have another soon as if you have two in nursery it's extortionate lol even if you wait til one is at school you still have wrap around care and school holidays!

I was lucky enough to work from home for a few years while my oldest two were preschool age and then I returned to work full time for 4 years before having our youngest. I did make it clear to him I'd be taking the full year off (I saved to accommodate this) and only going back 3 days after that as my job wasn't high earning anyway and we weren't eligible for any childcare support, but as it happened, we relocated whilst I was on maternity leave so the commute and childcare was too much compared to my wage so we decided I would not return to work until youngest is 3. We are lucky that my husband is on a good wage to support us and able for me to stay at home and he agrees this is best for our family. Good luck OP x

Me and Dp are similar ages Op and together a similar time too.
No one particular wants less money but it's like when you first buy a house and you work out the bills, you have less than when you lived at home but the left over becomes the new normal. Have you looked into childcare costs/times etc. When I do go back if we use childcare for both us pretty much be working for nothing. Our money is joint so it won't be like that, but what I have coming around the same will go out in childcare. I will be paying into my pension though and maintaining my career, both things I think make it worth it. But from a purely financial reason how much we have coming in and out, me working makes little difference for the first few years. Which is partly why Dp was quite happy to go with whatever I wanted to do.

All the give it up mums will naturally encourage you to stay home
Painting a catastrophic picture of Guantanamo Nursery if you use childcare
Whereas if you’re at home it’ll be enriching finger painting and a baby with no “issues”

What works for us and always has is like the 1950s way, and I like it

Very nice for you and all, but in the 1950s idea, couples were married and women weren't supposed to go out to work.

You've given yourself the worst of both worlds here, all the housework and cooking plus having to pay your way. I fear for the image of family life you will be giving to your son.

Thank you all. I will update tomorrow as we about to chat about it all. Appreciate every single comment xx

I'd bet you would have supported him for 3 months if the situation was the other way round! I would too even though I don't hold your 1950's way of thinking. If my partner or husband showed a fraction of reluctance, I'd put my kid, myself and my job first. I'd know there and then that my financial security should come first and that I should increase my self reliance. For those 3 months, I'd see if I can get help from my parents so I wouldn't have to leave my baby with strangers. I would even consider borrowing from the bank. I, like you, didn't like leaving my baby with strangers either which is very, very understandable? It's only 3 months for God's sake!

Ok OP - here is what happens in a normal set-up where there is the kind of division of labour you want.,

DH and I had a conversation when we became engaged and agreed that if we were to have DC, we didn’t want them in pre-school childcare. He said he thought his children should be with their mother and so it was his role to facilitate that. As it was we had 4 DC with 2 year gaps and I’ve now been a SAHM for 14 years. I have supported him to do his role with his companies and he has financially supported us so I can do mine. Never once had he mentioned “his” money. We have joint accounts and both follow our individual spending habits, but there’s no differentiation and the DC always come first. He has worked incredibly hard to pay the school fees for 4 DC. Plus I have a cleaner twice a week as he says I’m not home to be a skivvy. Yes I cook for him etc and deal with 90% of child-related stuff, but this comes naturally to me and I wouldn’t want to have to put my energies elsewhere.

This is how it should work if you’re at home. I couldn’t get past this notion he has of “his” money being more important than the needs of his own child! What planets is he actually on? He is a father! Seriously, he needs a massive wake-up call. Do not marry him with this attitude. It’s truly shocking.

I think YABU I how you're approaching it with him

But I think he IBU wanting the same money as he had before, with a new baby. As a family, you've had one of you not earning for months, and an extra person to pay for -of course all of you are going to have less money than before. And that's going to be the case for the foreseeable. If you go back to work, theres childcare so the pot is always going to be more empty than before.

When theres two people working full time in a couple then some couples think it's fair to split everything 50 50. But it cant really work that way when theres a child involved and there's different earning power. If you paid for half the childcare and bills youd literally have nothing and that's not fair.

It's a different way of looking at things as you have to look at family money and family childcare work etc all together. It's a different mindset and YABU to expect him just to change the way you've split your finances up til now, instantly.

I think a good starting point would be to ask him to agree in principle to roughly equal leisure / free time, and then roughly equal spending money on leisure and hobbies etc. And take it from there, working out what the best way is to achieve that as a family.

Bear in mind it can be quite stressful and quite a lot of pressure being the sole breadwinner

Do the maths and show that childcare etc is expensive. It can either be expensive by paying someone else to care for your child or in time (which you are willing to give rather than give to work). Though the only fair way to decide is jointly.

Your dp needs to man up with regards to the fact either way he has a financial commitment to his child. The money can go to a nursery or to the family funds to run the house.

Yabu by expecting your dp to do as you want without discussion.

I spend money on wine and bets, too.

Do you spend money on wine and bets while your husband cuts out his gym membership and netflix so he'll have a tiny bit of money left over from his wages while he also does all the cooking and cleaning in the house? And when you had a baby did you head off to go to the football/pub/comedians regularly leaving your partner to mind the baby and the house? If so you are a bit of a shit.

OP, you are in a difficult position here because this is a conversation you should have had before getting pregnant. If you go back to work he will have less money anyway because he will be paying for childcare. If you don't go back to work you are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable. You need to sit down with him and discuss money openly - it is a hard conversation (which is why people avoid it)

He’s a great dad, he’s amazing with me and treats me the best! I can’t knock him

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but he really doesn’t “treat you the best”. Or, more importantly, your son. It sounds to me like he prioritises himself and what he wants over both of you....

You need to make a family budget with all the essential outgoings and current income (including amp). You can quickly see if it's feasible for you to have additional time home. I don't understand why people don't discuss these things before they get pregnant???

Women and men in good relationships have always worked as a team to provide and care for their family. In some cases home management and childcare will be done by one and earning money will be done by the other, and in some cases it will be split. It's really up to you how you organise it , but don't make the mistake of valuing the earning more than the home responsibilities and childcare. By saying he is paying for everything and referring to his money, you are devaluing your role.

I think you are heading for trouble, OP. I get the impression you are a) quite young and b) have parents who either had a toxic marriage or who didn't treat you terribly well. you've found yourself a selfish, potentially abusive misogynist to have a kid with. There are quite a few men like this, who love the idea of the 'little woman' at home raising the kids and doing all the domestic work, but they don't actually want to pay for it, so she needs to be earning a good wage as well.
Do you have anyone around you who cares about you - a mum, a sister, a good mate? I think this man is going to fuck off fairly soon and be completely unreliable about paying child support.

I have my money, dp has his money.there is no we money.there is a joint acc
Both pay into joint account (mortgage,nursery,bills) and retain our sole account
Predominant On mn there is a one world view that all monies must be shared
The hysteria of family money.if it’s not family money there will be catastrophe