AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

[TLBftm]

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

clairemcnam - really appreciate your comments.

I take on board what a lot of you are saying and maybe it’s not the best idea to be a SAHM whilst unmarried.

What works for us and always has is like the 1950s way, and I like it. And so does he. I won’t lie he does get the best of things but I don’t mind at all.

Before baby, we paid equal everything. Even though he earns a lot more than I do I didn’t see why we shouldn’t pay equal. It meant that after I paid my share I had my phone bill and car insurance to pay for. I cancelled other crap like Netflix or prime, gym, all the little things that I didn’t actually need. So that meant I had a little money for me, I’m not materialistic at all, I’m not butchered for buying myself things, I’d much rather buy a new duvet cover or some lovely candles for our home. He would spend his extra on going out etc. Fine.

He did nothing in the house. Which again, fine, I enjoy doing the cooking and cleaning etc and this may spark controversy but to me, it’s s woman’s role and I like it that way.

Now we have baby, he often says he doesn’t know how i do it etc etc (not saying I’m the only one who does of course) but he makes it clear he couldn’t stay home all the time and do everything I do. Which is nice, I feel appreciated. He’s cut down on going out, not because of me but because he has less money now. But this month alone for example, he’s away at a football match, going to see a comedian, long weekend in Newcastle, goes to the pub every Friday Eve.... again, I’m not bothered.

But in my eyes, our son is everything and I want him looked after by a parent a little longer than agreed, all of the above has always worked well for us but now all I’m asking is that he pays for us all for 3 month so my son can be with me. And yes, it would be fine the other way around if my wage was high enough but it’s not, and he’s made it clear he couldn’t do it. He does want me to look after DS rather than have him in childcare just yet, I just don’t think he’s ready to give up some of his luxuries so I can do that, and he can’t seem to comprehend is that it would pretty much cost the same as childcare.

Not trying to make him look bad here btw cos as I said, all that has always worked for us, but surely, for 3 month that I want to be able to rely totally on him money wise, surely that’s NU ?

I would be absolutely furious if DP sprung me on this with no warning.

I spend money on wine and bets, too. We could possibly afford it. It's not about that... in fact, if we couldn't afford it, it'd be out of the question. It's the fact that you have unilaterally decided to make him sole earner, to put all the pressure of providing on him, and to take a year out which is likely to affect your career.

You're a partnership, or you're supposed to be. These are joint decisions. And I definitely wouldn't be taking the decision to give up my job to spend time with my child if I was unmarried, it's hugely risky.

“I’be figured out some figures today so go over with him and we are basically no better or worse off if I were to go back after 9 month and pay childcare! So really, the money he has for himself would pretty much just be the same”

Money for himself indeed. Disgusting attitude.

passthecherrycoke In Sweden both mums and dads get 480 paid days to take for their child before they turn 8. And yes there are well documented issues with so many very young children being in full time childcare, including the highest sickness rate of working women across the world, and concerns about child development.

www.imfcanada.org/archive/1107/swedish-daycare-international-example-or-cautionary-tale

Lots of research shows that before 2-3, children are better being cared for by a loving parent or other adult such as a GP.

Look how many kids have issues nowadays. And look at the rise in childcare. It's not rocket science
Correct,it’s not rocket science,it is not even cause and effect
There is no correlation between “issues” and attendance at nursery

Ideally you should have discussed this before deciding to have a baby but it’s a bit late for that! My DH admitted when we were discussing having children was that I wouldn’t want to go back to work and he’d be left as the sole wage earner and with less disposable income.
I think you need to sit down and work out your finances, what you both bring in when working full time, 4 days, 3 days etc. Then look at outgoings including childcare for the days you are working. Decide together what works best for you as a family.
I went back full time when DS was 9 months old. I have found it hard and I’d rather do part time. When I was pregnant with DD I did all the calculations based on 2 in nursery and I loose relatively little to drop one day at work. When I showed DH that he agreed that the difference in income was worth it for me to be happy so when I return after this mat leave I’ll do 4 days. We did discuss us both doing 90% but he’s not keen. He has said that if he gets the promotion he’s working towards I could go to 3 days if I wanted. This is all joint decisions and discussion. You need to have this conversation and come to the compromises that work for your family.
In answer to your first post you are not being unreasonable that he jointly supports the baby, you are being very unreasonable if you think he should support you as a grown adult in the lifestyle you choose. I also think it would be pretty risky to give up working when you aren’t married.

Sorry but it doesn’t seem like you’re a partnership at all and you have to be to have a child together. You cancelled gym whilst he spunk’s all his money on football and weekends away? Fuck that. Why shouldn’t you have a gym membership if it’s something you enjoy and you could afford as a household?

I'm 100% on your side and I hope this works out for you. It should be family money, and he should be willing to sacrifice a little bit so that you can be home to take care of the baby. Honestly sounds like a fair plan to me.

In the setup described in your update, your DP is taking the piss massively and should be 100% handling the financial burdens.

But the OP has not sprung this on her DP. She has tried to talk to him about it and he has said vague things about it be fine for her not to work, but has refused to discuss specifics. The OP is being blamed because her partner refused to discuss what they actually did.

The fact he refused to discuss it points to some pretty big communication issues. But that is not the OPs fault.

OP, how old are you? You do need to think about your financial security

Too many women make themselves vulnerable when they give up work.

Can I ask why you are not married?

He'd have to pay towards the childcare anyway. So why doesn't he just give that money to you instead. Thats what my dp did. I sprung it on him as well, I wasn't expecting to want to be a sahm when I was pg. He was OK with it.

He did nothing in the house Which again, fine, I enjoy doing the cooking and cleaning etc and this may spark controversy but to me, it’s is woman’s role and I like it that way

No not fine,not fine at all but it explains your adherence to patriarchy
Your lil miss doormat,I’ll clean the house.hey I like it.
And you’re expecting him to be the wage slave

Sad,in 2019 you’ve internalised and you enact patriarchy & discrimination

*Drwhy( Even if you do go back to work, parents do end up with less disposable income. That is a fact of life. Kids are expensive. I would be challenging his totally unrealistic expectations.

Cross posted with your update. Your whole financial situation seems bonkers to me but you say it works for you so I’m not sure my opinion is going to help you much!

Your update is awful OP you literally have let him get away with too much and now he is a spoilt petulant child

Stop pandering to him and make him step up and be a parent and support his family

Your set up works for him - why does it work for you because what do you actually get in return

Lipstick Wageslave FFs! He goes out to work, does no housework, goes out drinking with mates. Boo hoo, poor him.

OP I actually think, having read your update that the childcare point is irrelevant. In 3 months time you plan to put him in part time childcare anyway. 3 months is nothing, it’s irrelevant whether you do it tomorrow or August tbh.

YABU and a little bit of a CF to be honest. He pays Bill's, mortgage, food etc. Fair he should pay for his son, however you shouldn't expect him to foot your personal bills.

I don’t think it’s fair at all that you’ve given up all your little luxuries and he’s given up virtually nothing. You should be a partnership but by the sounds of things you do everything and have nothing for yourself but you’re apparently happy with this....?
He should 100% be making some more compromises and needs to talk to you properly rather than shutting down.
Who owns the home that you buy things for?

clairemcnam yes, of course they do. Sorry that wasn’t clear. It’s just that we are in the enviable position that with only one child in nursery me dropping even one day at work made a significant difference to our income. He was worried that I’d want to drop to 3 days or less or not go back at all, which would leave us barely able to pay the bills. So we compromised, which I think is what 90+% of couples do!

Op I think you are getting a really hard time here.
Facts are:
You as a couple can afford for you look after baby a little longer- if your DP makes some sacrifices
Sacrifices would be his nights out every week, weekends away with the lads, away football games , betting
You are happy with taking the domestic workload- and enjoy the ‘house wife’ role
He’s said he doesn’t want to stay at home / do all domestic stuff
Why on earth your being slated i have no idea !!
The points about financial insecurity should you split are moot. That is not what you were asking!

Not foot her personal bills? So childcare costs nothing?

OP you do not have a 1950s relationship. In a 1950s style relationship the man understands he is financially responsible. You are in a financially abusive 2019 relationship where the woman does all the childcare, housework, works part time {as you intend to} and the man keeps lots or most of his earnings for himself. I suspect you will go back part-time, use your earnings to pay costs for your DS, while your partner continues to spend his money on drinking, clothes and football bets. And it will get harder and harder financially the older your DS gets.

I'm sorry but you say you like this 1950's style of marriage but no 1950's houseeife would put up with this without the legal protection of marriage. You have the worst of both worlds - you need to start being realistic about your financial position for your child's sake as well as yours.

OP, you have been a mug. As a partnership (and assuming that's what you see youselves as, living together, with a baby), money and work is to be shared.

Doing all the cooking and cleaning pre-baby because 'its a woman's role', paying equally for everything despite earning less, and now doing everything for the baby is just ridiculous. In a partnership the effort and the reward should be shared, you haven't done that so far and by behaving that way you've reinforced his belief that the home and childcare is your responsibility. Difference nowadays Vs the 50s is you're expected to work.

I don't blame him for being irritated, image having a cook, cleaner and nanny who also contributes to the family income but then decides not to work or work less?

FWIW, I think you should go back to work. You need to protect yourself financially, preserve your earning power and ensure you can provide for your DC. Sit down and have a serious talk about how you're going to split childcare and housework, he needs to step up and pull his weight. Returning to work isn't as simple as what you earn now Vs childcare costs, it's about pension and national insurance contributions and ensuring you can earn long term if the worst happened to your DP or your relationship didn't work out.