AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

[TLBftm]

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

YABU and a bit selfish too

YANBU, there is no "his money" and "your money", all the money is in the family pot. You're either equal partners or its not a valid partnership. You need to come to an agreement together but he needs to understand that if you go part time at work and spend 2 days as a SAHM that doesn't mean you're not working for those 2 days. Your full time parenting role is equal to any paid role, if you were at work for those 2 days then the baby would require a paid carer. Your DP sounds like an unreasonable person in several ways, he sounds like he still considers himself one of the lads who can act like he pleases and have no responsibility for the family he's meant to be contributing to.

Hope you came to a decision OP.
I can echo posters above. There is no “his” money, “your” money once children come along. That horse has bolted!
He should be proud to support his child and the mother if his child to be together, at least in this first year or so.
If he can’t even manage that, then what is the actual point of him in this child’s life -or yours?

If he earns £24k more than you, why on earth have you been splitting all bills 50/50? It should be in proportion to what you earn. He's been on a cushy number OP and his attitude doesn't bode well. I hope your contraception is watertight now. And consider getting married. You're very vulnerable.

“there is no "his money" and "your money”

Yes there is: they are not married.

He SHOULD share his money, but doesn’t have to and from what OP has said about him probably won’t. Odds of cohabiting couples splitting up are more than 50% and in the event that happens he will keep all his money, bar maintenance and plenty of fathers don’t even pay that. OP would be reliant on her earnings.

YABVU. Your sense on entitlement seems to shine through your words - do correct me if I'm wrong. You're just expecting him to "fund" everything? That's such a disrespectful way to put it.

I can see what posters are saying about keeping her job but if the Op earns just enough to cover child care than surely she's not exactly got a career so to speak? I understand that they could split and she'll be stuck but I still believe that the high earner needs to step up and be the bread winner for a few years. Maybe I'm old fashioned or have rose tinted specs!
Just to clarify I too am baffled as to why this wasn't discussed before! Crazy!

Op
What sort of role do you have? Is it something you can easily step back into ?
Ie, if you are a nurse, can you step back in after a break, or if your dp loses his job?

Again, so surprised at people saying that it's such a huge great responsibility to be the sole breadwinner. He'll be doing exactly what he's doing now.

OP’s job may not be highly paid, but it’s likely to be much harder to get a job at similar pay, or progress pay wise, if she has time out of paid work. Pension etc also a consideration.

I do understand Loopy but I suppose being from a family where my mum was a SAHP and I was also then I suppose I'm bias. Don't get me wrong I did go back to work for a good few years, one job wasn't worth it due to petrol, breakfast club and after school club, my take home was crap after all those deductions and my husband much preferred to be the bread winner and have me home to look after our son, you know, drop him to school, pick him up at 3.30. My husband could see I was knackered and that my son was too. It didn't help that I was diagnosed with a chronic illness also. I then took a job nearer to home with school hours. It was great. Then we moved abroad and I'm a SAHP again!

YABVU

Firstly you are not married so legally your income and assets aren't regarded as joint. If your DP walks out tomorrow or you have to leave, you are only entitled to child maintenance if you stay as the primary carer of your child.

I've had a couple of friends in this situation and they were lucky because due to some work they did for their ex they were entitled to a small lump sum payment. This gave them enough money to give them time to get back into work but in one case at a much lower level.

Secondly you didn't discuss this arrangement before you even had your child and now springing it on your partner as a done deal. I have male friends, colleagues, acquaintances and a DP who decided they wanted to spend a day or more a week doing hands on care for their child themselves. This either meant both in the couple worked part-time or compressed hours, or the one partner worked full-time and the other PT/compressed hours. Apart from the gay couple I know the full-time normal hour working partner is the woman. (In my case it is me.)

Just to add, all our money was pooled together, we do not have his money, her money. We never have even before parenthood. We've always been a team.

@BusterGonad - you are married the OP isn't.

She has to leave she is entitled to SFA for herself as there are no joint assets.

I sound smug, I'm not smug, I miss work but it just doesn't add up for us as I'm a low wage earner.

I only got married when my son was 7, he's now 10!

YANBU. What does he want you to do, put the kid in childcare so you can work sooner?

A total turn around from me, yes you should go back to work Op, purely because I think your partner is a bit of an asshole and he might do you over.

“earns just enough to cover child care than surely she's not exactly got a career so to speak?”

Again I think this point is getting lost in the SAHP debate but OP is saying she’s going back to work part time later in the year. Her part time will presumably also be wiped out by the cost of part time childcare

Why are you willing to compromise your own financial independence?

PassTheCheryCoke I'm on board and agree, I think you all have a really good point. The relationship the op has doesn't sound that strong. She needs to cover her back on this one. I was speaking/judging in regards to my situation thinking it was similar and I don't think it is as we discussed it before having a child and were in agreement.

I don’t understand posters saying OP has suddenly “sprung this upon him”.

What is all that about fgs? She was pregnant for nine months - now the child is nine months old! It’s basic common sense that the child should be with his mum if at all possible. Give me strength! He’s not doing her some great favour. He’s the bloody father, not a charity.

So he wants kids but he wants to pay someone else to look after them? Or he wants to be a sahp and you go back to work? Either way he's being an arse. Bringing kids into the world and then quibbling over who brings in the money is mean and petty. You are a team. But if that's the way he feels bill him for all your childcare and housework and admin etc

I still believe that the high earner needs to step up and be the bread winner for a few years.

I really don't understand this attitude. Why should I "step up" and be the breadwinner just because my partner isn't capable of earning as much as I can? What if I want a relationship in which the responsibilities of providing for the family and caring for the family are shared between both partners? As the higher earner, do I have less of a right to spend time with my child, to be a hands-on, involved parent? I don't think so!

I decided I would rather take time off to mind my sick children than take time off when a nanny was sick. You possibly felt differently - I'm sure you had your reasons

No, actually. DH or I have always taken time off when dd has been sick in any case, we never left her with the nanny. Thankfully, she has the constitution of an ox, so she doesn't get sick much in any case.

You’ve had a hell of a rough ride here, OP.

As I see it you want an extra three months at home at the end of your paid maternity leave, then to work part time. If you work full time everything you earn will be eaten up in childcare so there will be no financial benefit. You’ve already taken a financial hit to the point where you have little or no personal money, while your partner’s lifestyle is relatively unaffected.

There’s a finite amount of money available here. Childcare is going to cost whether you outsource it or do it yourself, either way both of you should share the financial impact.