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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding vows renewal not for that reason.

139 replies

Burlea · 09/05/2019 09:15

I don't know if this is the right place to post.
Last night we were given an invitation to a wedding renewal from very good friends. They have decided to do this because both are in remission from cancer.
They want to celebrate with friends and family as it has been a big fight to get well.
Also there was another couple that we all have only known for about 2 years. They were also given an invite and she said 'ok who's had the affair'. You could've
cut the air with a knife.(they knew about the cancer but maybe not realise that is why they are doing it).
Why do people automatically think that is the reason you renew vows.

OP posts:
orlawhirl · 09/05/2019 09:17

I don't get it. I know it's an unpopular opinion but I think it's lovely to renew vows. There are a lot of reasons why people do it outside affairs, people are just very narrow minded.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/05/2019 09:17

I think it's because that's why the majority of people do it and it is the reason why celebrities do it. I've only known people to have their vows renewed because they've cheated.

Obviously other will get it done for another reason but I can see why it's assumed.

Seeline · 09/05/2019 09:18

The only two I have been to have resulted in both couples being divorced fairly shortly afterwards. I don't know if there was an affair in the run-up to the event, but obviously marriages were not in a good place. One of them, the wife decided she was a lesbian after 9 years of marriage.

MarthasGinYard · 09/05/2019 09:18

Yes I'd automatically think they'd had a rough time in marriage.

It's something I'd never do this whole vow renewal rubbish TBH

In the case of your friends I'd have thought they could have a celebrate gathering without a vow renewal but that's just MO

TulipsTwoLips · 09/05/2019 09:18

That was rather insensitive but maybe just meant as a joke? I don’t see why people renew vows tbh, as vows are meant to be forever. If they need renewing it would suggest to me that something had gone wrong.

DobbysLeftSock · 09/05/2019 09:18

I guess because for most vow renewals that's why?

In your friends' situation I dont think I'd be having a vow renewal as I know that is what a lot of people would be thinking.

Other friend shouldn't have stuck her foot in her mouth but maybe it just slipped out?

Hahaha88 · 09/05/2019 09:20

Because why would you need to renew your vows if everything was good?

bingoitsadingo · 09/05/2019 09:20

I'd assume the same. Wedding vows are for life - they only need renewing if they've been broken. Just have a party if you want to celebrate something Confused

AnonymousMugwumpery · 09/05/2019 09:20

Person who said that out loud, joke or not, whether they knew about the cancer or not, is a twat.

HBStowe · 09/05/2019 09:29

I guess for me i can’t understand why you would renew your vows unless there was a reason the old ones weren’t still standing, but that’s just my opinion! I don’t begrudge anyone who just fancies a fun excuse for a party, or to celebrate something big like beating cancer.

Your friend was really rude to voice that opinion, regardless of her views.

Gatehouse77 · 09/05/2019 09:30

I don't get why it's done publicly. Unless you've made all the problems public and need to redress the balance.

Re - the above scenario, why not just have a big party to celebrate life? What's the connection to wedding vows? (Genuinely confused!)

Mummaofmytribe · 09/05/2019 09:30

Still a bloody rude thing to blurt out

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/05/2019 09:36

I'd assume the same. Wedding vows are for life - they only need renewing if they've been broken. Just have a party if you want to celebrate something

This - but the person who said it was a twat. Very uncouth.

RezCowgirl · 09/05/2019 09:47

If you're renewing vows it suggests the original vows were broken.

Original poster
Burlea · 09/05/2019 09:56

I agree with you all I don't need to renew my vows as nothing has changed in our marriage. But in a way I quite understand why are friends want to do it. They haven't had a proper marriage for a long time. Cancer brought mental health problems as well as body ones.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/05/2019 09:57

It wasn’t until I joined MN that I realised it’s a common assumption that renewing vows equals affair.

twinklylights · 09/05/2019 09:58

I arranged a private vow renewal for my husband and I on our 10th wedding anniversary. It was a surprise for him and I thought it was a romantic gesture. We originally got married in a register office and the renewal vows were done in the evening, in our local church with just the two of us and the vicar. It wasn't showy and there certainly hadn't been any vow breaking or cheating going on!

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/05/2019 10:00

I'd love to renew my wedding vows. Never heard of the affair link until I read it on MN so that's put me off.

ittakes2 · 09/05/2019 10:00

We didn't have the wedding we wanted so we decided we would renew our vows after 15 years with the wedding we did want. I didn't realise this was why lots of people renew their vows! I'm not so keen on the idea now!

OldAndWornOut · 09/05/2019 10:00

Even if I privately wondered, I wouldn't joke about an affair, just in case.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 09/05/2019 10:01

I've been to several vow renewals and in all cases it was because they married young, had a very cheap wedding which wasn't the wedding they actually wanted but what they could afford or were rail-roaded into by parents. The vow renewal was a chance to have the wedding the way they wanted it rather than the wedding that had been forced on them by circumstance.

Nothing to do with either party having an affair.

I guess there's always a 50/50 chance that one of the parties had an affair as that's just statistically likely.

Lweji · 09/05/2019 10:03

Wedding vows renewal is quite traditional where I live, but for couples celebrating major anniversaries. For example, 25 years, but mostly 50 years together. AFAIK, it's a small ceremony in church, usually during mass, followed by what looks like lunch with family and maybe close friends.

I suspect that person made the comment automatically without thinking. And she may well be right for most random wedding vows renewals.

Soupfordinner · 09/05/2019 10:03

It's sad but the assumption is always there.
It's not stopping me and husband from renewing ours though, our wedding day was a disaster and we've both expressed since we wish we'd stuck to our guns and gone on our own. So that's what we're going to do, at least this way we can enjoy the day.
Although our renewal isn't a big event, I don't see why people shouldn't do them.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/05/2019 10:03

They were insensitive, but the trouble is that that is exactly why most people renew vows. If vows haven't been broken, they don't need to be renewed!

I can see where your friends are coming from but to me it misses the mark too. They seem to have fought through and stayed entirely true to their vows - 'in sickness and in health'. Why give the impression that those vows are weak or compromised enough to need renewing? A different kind of celebration would be more appropriate.

But obviously not everyone sees it that way. Tricky, one can only be polite.

LagunaBubbles · 09/05/2019 10:06

Because why would you need to renew your vows if everything was good?

Well for us it was because we were going on holiday to California and I had always loved the idea of getting married on a beach. We had been married 17 years at the time. Our renewal on the beach with just us and our 2 sons was a memory that still makes me smile. Couldn't care less if people think one of had cheated, makes no difference.

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