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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding vows renewal not for that reason.

139 replies

Burlea · 09/05/2019 09:15

I don't know if this is the right place to post.
Last night we were given an invitation to a wedding renewal from very good friends. They have decided to do this because both are in remission from cancer.
They want to celebrate with friends and family as it has been a big fight to get well.
Also there was another couple that we all have only known for about 2 years. They were also given an invite and she said 'ok who's had the affair'. You could've
cut the air with a knife.(they knew about the cancer but maybe not realise that is why they are doing it).
Why do people automatically think that is the reason you renew vows.

OP posts:
chantico · 09/05/2019 20:09

It's fine to contribute your view to the thread.

It is an extremely widely held view that only broken vows are renewed.

As a previous poster noted, there are people who need to think twice. And acknowledge that a heck of a lot people will assume that there has been infidelity or a breach of vows of similar magnitude. Because intact vows need no renewal. Yes that's probably a very romantic view but some people really are that romantic, committed and happy.

NiceViper · 09/05/2019 20:14

"We are doing this as we couldn't get married in our Catholic Church due to family issues so we are renewing in our church to reconfirm our commitment. "

The church won't see it as a renewal. It's either the actual religious marriage or, if you are in a category that the church refuses to marry but you have a liberal PP, then you can have a blessing.

Do you have to call it a renewal? If invitations haven't gone out, you can change it, and get away from the implicit 'mend after a break

PCohle · 09/05/2019 20:20

It seems to have touched a real nerve with some people finding out how widely held the view that vow renewals are associated with infidelity is.

NC4Now · 09/05/2019 20:30

Yes the Catholic renewal will be an actual marriage really, as if you were married outside the RC church the marriage is not ‘valid’ in terms of the faith (although perfectly legal)

LagunaBubbles · 09/05/2019 20:44

seems to have touched a real nerve with some people finding out how widely held the view that vow renewals are associated with infidelity is

And to the people who do renew their vows and enjoy it and have their memories, do you really think the assumptions of other people matter in the slightest? Nope. I got my dream beach wedding and even better my 2 sons got to be there and hear what me and my DH said to each other.

FryTime · 09/05/2019 20:51

It seems to have touched a real nerve with some people finding out how widely held the view that vow renewals are associated with infidelity is.

But it's really not outside the MN mini-universe. This has come up before, and when it did, just out of curiosity, I did a bit of a poll amongst friends and family. Not a single one had heard of the affair angle and I come from the North of England where we do like to be a bit cynical, certainly in the industry I used to work in and also I worked abroad so lots of friends from different nationalities in a totally different, non-cynical industry.

Maybe I just have (lots of lovely) friends and family that aren't nasty judgemental people who like to belittle and cast aspersions on other people's re-affirmation of their love. What sad little lives you must live up there on your pearly white high-horse looking down your nose at us and guessing infidelity! Says quite a bit about your views on marriage. I honestly feel so very sorry for you! Sad

AuntieStella · 09/05/2019 21:03

It just means you have an endogamous group of friends.

Thus is entirely normal. It's not a mark of particuiar liveliness, nor does it mean that people who are posting different attitudes are outliers, liar.

And I suggest re-reading that post, and re-visiting the assumption that only others are being judgemental, especially when using quite highly coloured language, which is in itself also rather nasty.

It's a great strength of MN that people do get to see what other think. But not when it becomes intolerant 'othering'

Many people see it as only needed to repair a breach. It's worth knowing that.

If you want a celebration that is unquestionably for longevity and happiness, have an anniversary party.

DeRigueurMortis · 09/05/2019 21:05

I can't speak for anyone else, but my own experience of couples I know renewing vows has been because of infidelity.

I understand it's not everyone's reason, but I'm not going to pretend that when issued such an invitation that it doesn't cross my mind that this is the reason (unless I specifically know otherwise).

Personally I see no reason to renew a vow that I haven't broken or reaffirm a love publicly that's privately strong as ever.

If people want a public celebration of their marriage then I think it's more appropriate to have a party on a significant wedding anniversary.

That all said, it's an individual choice and if there was ever a good enough reason to do this, then a couple who've jointly survived cancer would be it and I'd genuinely wish them well.

NiceViper · 09/05/2019 21:07

"But it's really not outside the MN mini-universe"

Yes of course it is!

People aren't inventing this for shitz - I suggest you look at the myriad orders of service for renewals, and see how very many are specifically for healing infidelity. Or how it is discussed on infidelity fora. It's a very real concept. And yes, MNetters have heard about it and post accordingly

PCohle · 09/05/2019 21:08

But it's really not outside the MN mini-universe. This has come up before, and when it did, just out of curiosity, I did a bit of a poll amongst friends and family.

I imagine MN represents a wider cross section of society than your friends and family. Also if your friends and family know you want a vow renewal I imagine they are being polite...

RaptorWhiskers · 09/05/2019 21:10

I want to renew my vows because I was really fat when I got married and the photographer screwed up the photos. So I have very few pictures and I look awful in the ones I do have. DH has promised that when we can afford it we’ll have a vow renewal so I can have the lovely photos I’ve always wanted.

Kenworthington · 09/05/2019 21:12

I did exactly the same as @twinklylights it was really lovely , and just the two of us.

DeRigueurMortis · 09/05/2019 21:13

Sorry just to add, before I came across the renewal/infidelity link on MN, it was something my social circle already thought...just adding for balance, but that may well be because they were invited to the same renewals as myself and DH for just that reason.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 09/05/2019 21:15

Yep, until I read on here any vow renewal and I'd think it was either as part of a big anniversary, or perhaps they'd had a rubbish wedding or were pressured into a day they didn't want and they could now do it their way. Never considered one of them cheated as a reason. Maybe I'm just naive!

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 09/05/2019 21:18

Friend of mine renewed theirs. Nothing to do with affair was just because she lost a huge amount of weight and wanted to have new photos. Renewed vows after 10 years.

That is very vain! Fancy making your friends go through the wedding fandango for a few photos. Just get the photos done.

The renewal = affair is very very common assumption and action.

Your friend put her foot in it but since you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, instead of laughing it off, maybe she isn’t totally off piste...

Kennehora · 09/05/2019 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarthasGinYard · 09/05/2019 21:20

Bloody hell

Do people actually do this Confused

Kennehora · 09/05/2019 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarthasGinYard · 09/05/2019 21:21

I think it's quite tacky

Kennehora · 09/05/2019 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kennehora · 09/05/2019 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bamboofibre · 09/05/2019 21:27

Raptor, so why not just buy a wedding dress and have a photographer take some photos? Why the need for a big production?

poptypingchef · 09/05/2019 21:34

I don’t know anyone that has renewed their vows due to infidelity- it never would have entered my mind. Mostly due to celebrating a landmark anniversary. I’m as shocked as you that this would be the assumption @Burlea

RaptorWhiskers · 09/05/2019 21:35

Raptor, so why not just buy a wedding dress and have a photographer take some photos?
Because then it’s completely fake and staged. I want “real” photos.

MarthasGinYard · 09/05/2019 21:35

'Raptor, so why not just buy a wedding dress and have a photographer take some photos? Why the need for a big production?'

Quite