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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding vows renewal not for that reason.

139 replies

Burlea · 09/05/2019 09:15

I don't know if this is the right place to post.
Last night we were given an invitation to a wedding renewal from very good friends. They have decided to do this because both are in remission from cancer.
They want to celebrate with friends and family as it has been a big fight to get well.
Also there was another couple that we all have only known for about 2 years. They were also given an invite and she said 'ok who's had the affair'. You could've
cut the air with a knife.(they knew about the cancer but maybe not realise that is why they are doing it).
Why do people automatically think that is the reason you renew vows.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 09/05/2019 21:36

'Because then it’s completely fake and staged. I want “real” photos.'

Oh the irony Grin

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/05/2019 21:37

What lots of posters are describing though is a wedding do over rather than a vow renewal. Having the wedding they would have liked, but couldn't have. That makes a bit more sense actually. I completely understand people wanting to do this.

VoyageInTheDark · 09/05/2019 21:41

I had never heard of vow renewal = affair till joining MN. I would assume a big anniversary or they couldn't afford the wedding that wanted at the time

DeRigueurMortis · 09/05/2019 21:50

But it is staged/fake isn't it Raptor?

It's a post production edit with extras.

Your money/life choice and I wish you well, but I can't claim to understand it for the sake of some nice pictures, it sounds (from the outside) just very self indulgent, but maybe you're friends and family feel very differently (and I hope for you that they do).

Perhaps it's just a mindset I can't fathom? I find it similar to people spending £££ on a wedding then struggling to find the money for a deposit on a house. The public show and chance to be centre of attention seems to dominate any sensible decision making that would tangibly contribute to longer term happiness i.e. the day (or even the photos) being as (or more) important than the state of matrimony itself.

I honestly can't understand why it's so important Confused

stucknoue · 09/05/2019 21:52

I've been to 2, both were divorced within 2 years of the vow renewal. That said it's a lovely idea for your friends, it's just it's typically a sticking plaster

IncrediblySadToo · 09/05/2019 21:56

🌷 I do understand that for some it’s a lovely, romantic gesture. Some of these renewals are for beautiful but sad reasons.

Gretchen I’m so very sorry you didn’t get to have yours with your DH 🌷xx

In general though, I really do not understand ‘renewing your vows’ unless someone has done something to break the original ones (usually an affair). Vows are for life. They don’t need renewing unless they’ve been broken and even then, it does seem a bit pointless. If you ignored them the first time around, you making a vow doesn’t count for much. If you’ve had a rough time but come through it together your vows are ‘holding up’ - again, no need to renew them.

Whether it wasn’t the wedding if your dreams, or you were ‘fat’ in your photos or if it was in a meringue dress...yes, it might have been disappointing, but That Was Your Wedding. Nothing can change that. Having a renewal doesn’t undo your actual wedding. Have some photos taken. Throw a party. Do whatever makes you happy. But why ‘renew your vows’ If they haven’t been broken - it makes no sense to me, at all.

...it’s hardly surprising that people assume you’ve had marital problems if you feel the need to gather everyone together to re do your (supposedly) for life vows 🤷🏻‍♀️ Instead of just having a celebration of whatever it is you’re actually celebrating.

IncrediblySadToo · 09/05/2019 22:00

Raptor, so why not just buy a wedding dress and have a photographer take some photos?

....
Because then it’s completely fake and staged. I want “real” photos

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ Oh the irony.

They are NOT wedding photos, they’re just photos. Like photos taken any other day. They’re all ‘real photos’.

RaptorWhiskers · 09/05/2019 22:09

But it is staged/fake isn't it Raptor?
No it’s a real ceremony, real venue, real guests, real reception, real day of memories with friends and family... not just an hour long photo shoot. Truthfully if I had nice photos from my original wedding I wouldn’t bother. It is a “do-over” as a pp said.

DobbyLovesSocks · 09/05/2019 22:10

My in-laws renewed their vows for their 40th partly as my FIL was having or just finished cancer treatment and he wanted my MIL to have some memories of a great celebration if the worst was to happen.
DH and I have mooted the idea of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary, just to re-affirm our commitment to each other

No affairs here

MarthasGinYard · 09/05/2019 22:11

'Truthfully if I had nice photos from my original wedding I wouldn’t bother. It is a “do-over” as a pp said.'

Blimey

I don't think I know anyone quite this self absorbed

Thank goodness Grin

DeRigueurMortis · 09/05/2019 22:23

But Raptor it is not your real wedding day.

That's what I meant. It's a re-make.

I honestly can't understand why you'd do that just for some photos.

I'm looking around and though I'm fortunate enough to have some lovely wedding pictures there's only one small very one on a corner windowsill.

The photos on prime display are frankly of far more important things as life has moved on, children, family members sadly departed, amazing holidays etc

I'm not trying to be rude, but by the time you can afford to do this I hope you've realised that there are much more important things in life and to spend money on than wedding mark II, just for some pictures and that your photo frames and places to put more are already filled by precious pictures that bring you joy.

IHaveNoIdeaReally · 09/05/2019 22:25

I had no idea the usual reason for vow renewal was someone cheating. Shock

callmeadoctor · 09/05/2019 22:48

Absolutely cannot believe that anybody would think that a renewal of vows is because someone had an affair, I am gobsmacked!!!! Loads of reasons to do it!!!!!! Mumsnet can be so weird!

RaptorWhiskers · 09/05/2019 22:54

But Raptor it is not your real wedding day
It’s my real vow renewal day. I hated my wedding and I have no photos. I’d like to have a special day that I actually enjoy and have nice photos from.

ItalianEarthernware · 09/05/2019 23:04

I can see it now: Got an invitation to a vowel renewal, it's at a stately home in the middle of nowhere, the accommodation is £250/night, there's a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. AIBU to chuck it in the bin?

Hollowvictory · 09/05/2019 23:15

It's not a real ceremony.
You say anything you want and it would make no difference to your marital status. You could speak klingon and it would not matter. You're married now, you'll still be married after. You can make up any ceremony you want but it's just fluff.
If you just want to have a party go for it. Enjoy it. Bit your marriage vows can't be renewed, they are a one time only commitment. They only break at divorce.

Paul197 · 09/05/2019 23:17

I would not have said it, but I would have thought it. I am in the why renew something that is not broken camp.

Bobbiebrows · 09/05/2019 23:37

Same as Paul. I wouldn’t say it but I’d think it. What’s the point in saying them in the first place if it’s not for life?

TheDarkPassenger · 09/05/2019 23:48

My parents renewed their vows for a significant anniversary but I still always assume someone’s had an affair. My cousin did it and that was to draw a line under the affairs. LOL like that will have made any difference

ahtellthee · 10/05/2019 06:07

I had never heard of the link between bow renewals and infidelity before mumsnet. I have been to 2, and both were significant anniversaries.

We reconsider contracts from time to time, why not the vows?

Personally, I would love to do it again with all of our children and family around and then have a big party, because why not? In 3 years we will (hopefully) have been married for 20 years. I think that is an achievement that deserves a party.

For 25 years, I would love a small vow renewal and then a big party.

I also love any excuse to throw a party 🎈----

GottenGottenGotten · 10/05/2019 06:25

But, at 25 years married, you don't need an excuse to have a party - you have a reason! Plenty of people have parties for significant anniversaries.

GottenGottenGotten · 10/05/2019 06:26

Absolutely cannot believe that anybody would think that a renewal of vows is because someone had an affair

People usually think it when they know that's what has happened. I'm not sure why you can't believe that Hmm

Mintypea5 · 10/05/2019 06:37

It's a shame because we wanted a kind of vow renewal at our 5th wedding anniversary. We had to cancel our planned wedding and get married very quickly while I was pregnant due to FiL terminal cancer diagnoses. I wasn't wearing my beautiful dress, only our parents and siblings were there. We don't regret it because it was perfect in the end as fil died a day later but we'd like a "wedding" with all our friends and family ... of course now I think I'll tell DH no! If everyone's going town assume affair

PurpleDaisies · 10/05/2019 06:53

I would never say it, but I think vow renewals are attention seeking, look at me, pointless events.

The80sweregreat · 10/05/2019 06:54

It was a bit cutting, but people do sometimes say things and mess up or it was just a joke that fell flat. It is getting to the stage where I am scared to say anything anymore in case people ' get the wrong idea' and I know I've said things to people that have been taken the wrong way in the past as well.
I wouldn't be offended myself, but I can see why they might do considering what they have gone through.

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