Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Wedding vows renewal not for that reason.

139 replies

Burlea · 09/05/2019 09:15

I don't know if this is the right place to post.
Last night we were given an invitation to a wedding renewal from very good friends. They have decided to do this because both are in remission from cancer.
They want to celebrate with friends and family as it has been a big fight to get well.
Also there was another couple that we all have only known for about 2 years. They were also given an invite and she said 'ok who's had the affair'. You could've
cut the air with a knife.(they knew about the cancer but maybe not realise that is why they are doing it).
Why do people automatically think that is the reason you renew vows.

OP posts:

GottenGottenGotten · 09/05/2019 10:08

I know two couples that have renewed their vows. Both because of an affair, although in one case they have managed to keep it very quiet, so I'm not sure that people realise that's why. When people ask they say that so much went wrong on their wedding day, they wanted a do-over.

It is a very common reason for vow renewal. Although it takes some neck to ask the question!

DoneLikeAKipper · 09/05/2019 10:15

Still a bloody rude thing to blurt out

Yet people on that other thread think they are the funniest fuckers every to keep saying ‘so one of you cheated?’. It’s an extremely rude thing to say, or even assume. I can’t see myself ever choosing to have a vows renewal (have to get married the first time as of yet), but MN does love shitting over other people’s celebrations.

samsamsamsamsamsam · 09/05/2019 10:32

Thats hilarious and I feel like its a scene out of a cringy Peep Show/fleabag style comedy.

Just write it off as foot-in-mouth syndrome. Also imagine how shit the person who said it feels! ha.

Blobby10 · 09/05/2019 10:33

My now ex and I renewed our vows at 10 years in the church we were married in and in front of our children, parents and siblings only. We did it because I had lost my wedding ring 3 months earlier, we replaced it and wanted it blessed. I did say at the time that if we didn't work harder at our marriage and being a couple we wouldn't be together in ten years time and we split up just before out 20th anniversary.

IAmTheChosenOne · 09/05/2019 10:35

We had friends who married in a Registry Office, then renewed vows at their childs christening. No affair involved.

But broadly yes, it seems to be a post affair statement.

Whoops75 · 09/05/2019 10:36

Why don’t they just have a celebration of their health?

cabcab · 09/05/2019 16:17

Why don't they just have a wedding anniversary party, even if it's a random 17 years or whatever! It would seem more fitting be able to say we are so happy to be here to celebrate together.

Cloudtree · 09/05/2019 16:22

Obviously it was an insensitive thing to say but I would always assume someone had cheated or that something else had happened to cause problems in the marriage.

greenlloon · 09/05/2019 16:43

i wouldn't of thought that maybe im naive

FryTime · 09/05/2019 16:44

I'm another one who had never heard that a vows renewal was likely because of an affair until I read it on MN!

I want to do it again because my original wedding was not how I wanted it at all. Plus I was on anti-depressants and genuinely don't remember a lot of it. No affair involved (well, I suppose, as far as I know...).

WhatOnPlanetEarth · 09/05/2019 16:52

I think it’s pretty cruel to always assume someone has cheated :(

FadedRed · 09/05/2019 17:00

Like several pp’s I never would have thought of renewal (or repeating) vows meant one of the couple had been unfaithful, until I joined MN.
I’ve only ever heard of it in association with a ‘big’ anniversary.
Whatever the reason, that was a very tactless thing to say to anyone, even more crass given the medical issues.

LadySainsburySeal · 09/05/2019 17:00

If you don't break the vows they never need "renewing".

The words in the vows do cover all eventualities: in sickness and in health, richer for poorer, for better, for worse until death do us part. That's for life.

Not until one of you cheats and then ooh let's prove how much we really do love each other by saying words we didn't really mean the first time, again. oh and a big party too!

PCohle · 09/05/2019 17:04

That is always my assumption, yes. I don't think I'd come out and say so though

bamboofibre · 09/05/2019 17:18

I think it's pointless and yes, I think there might have been an affair. Just have a big party.

CammieKennaway · 09/05/2019 17:24

We renewed our wedding vows in 2016 as I've been diagnosed with incurable cancer and it would have been our eldest daughter's 18th birthday (and we vowed to make the baby's 18th special on the day my pregnancy was confirmed).
Our original wedding was a small registry office and I'd always wanted a traditional white wedding somewhere beautiful so we did it for our vow renewal as it's the final wish we can make come true ........ but we got the "who had an affair" comments too - some people are just unbelievably rude x

CammieKennaway · 09/05/2019 17:26

Sorry - we decided to renew our vows on what would have been our daughter's 18th birthday at Bramall Hall in memory of her and had her mentioned in our vows

NannyRed · 09/05/2019 17:29

I’m afraid I’m one of those heartless types that always presumes someone has had an affair if they feel the need to renew vows too. Vows don’t wear out or go off!

They made an ill judged comment, but it’s fairly normal for people to presume vows have been broken if vows are remade.

Why wouldnt I think a vow renewal was because of an affair?

Onescaredmuma · 09/05/2019 17:30

I'm another who hadn't heard about this assumption before I joined MN. The only people I know who renewed are my in laws and I'd stake my life on that neither of them have had an affair.

Me and DH are going through a real rough time no affair but he has let me down I think maybe if we get through these next rough few years I think maybe I will suggest renewing. Our wedding was a disaster everything that could go wrong did, but on the day I thought it was hilarious and perfect for us but my mum especially took over she even bought my wedding dress without showing me it first it was beautiful but not what I'd have chosen myself.

NC4Now · 09/05/2019 17:33

The reason people think that is because when you get married, your vows are for life. Till death us do part and all that.
So it stands to reason that if you need to renew them, they have been broken somewhere along the line.

AuntieStella · 09/05/2019 17:36

Unless I happened to know there was a different reason (or it was part of landmark anniversary celebrations) I would assume there had been infidelity or some other major breach of the original vows.

Whoops75 · 09/05/2019 17:38

CammieKennaway I hope you stay well

iVampire · 09/05/2019 17:38

Cancer is not preventive of adultery.

People living with if after cancer are still people.

So even in the circumstances you describe, I would be wondering who breached the vows and assuming infidelity as the likeliest breach

FryTime · 09/05/2019 17:38

Why wouldnt I think a vow renewal was because of an affair?

Have a read of my post upthread... Most people I know (that have never heard of MN) renew vows for romantic reasons, a reminder of their love, a nice anniversary present to each other to remind them of their special day many years previously or didn't have / couldn't afford their dream wedding! NEVER that their vows were ever broken... I don't really remember saying my vows, I'd like to say them again and really be there for them.

I'm a bit sad that people are so cynical!

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 09/05/2019 17:40

Just whatever happens if there is cake avoid, it may get nasty.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6