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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP working with ex affair partner

143 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:05

I think I'm probably being unreasonable here, so prepared to be flamed.
My DP is a devoted and loving man I have been with for 5 years. All good.
He was previously married and during that marriage he had an affair with someone he worked with (he told me about this affair after we had been dating a while and when he was telling me about how his marriage broke down, he was not proud of the fact).

Now, the affair in question was a little over 10 years ago , and went on for some months. By his own admission he was besotted by her and was on the verge of leaving his wife for her (he didn't, but it was the beginning of the end for their marriage). The affair ended after about six months when the other woman went and got married to someone else (mind boggling that she was having an affair all the while engaged).

So, over the years my DP has come into limited contact with this woman because of work. For a couple of years after the affair, they used to meet up for lunch and there was apparently still a spark between them, though nothing physical happened. Those meetings petered out.

He hasn't had any contact with this woman in the time we've been together, however there is a chance they will be working together again soon. He told me this evening that she had left him a voicemail today regarding a potential project and requesting a meeting.
My instant reaction was to tell him that he should have nothing to do with her and certainly not work with her on any project, given the history. I immediately felt like a complete idiot for saying that as I have no reason to distrust my DP, and he told me as much.

So....should I be worried about this? I do trust my DP, don't trust the other woman mind you. Aaarrgggh, it's just bugging me and I'm not happy about it, but also realise it may be silly to feel this way.

Am I being unreasonable to request that my DP has no contact with this woman?

OP posts:
joaninthesun · 09/05/2019 00:08

I wouldn’t be happy at all if he started working with her again. I don’t think you ABU to tell him that you are not comfortable with it.

joaninthesun · 09/05/2019 00:10

It is unfair to say you don’t trust the other woman, they were both having an affair on their partners.

Mummaofmytribe · 09/05/2019 00:12

Nah, that'd make me uneasy too, as they have quite a history of infidelity between them - it wasn't a quick fling. What does your partner say about this potential turn of events?

Fiveredbricks · 09/05/2019 00:12

"So....should I be worried about this? I do trust my DP, don't trust the other woman mind you."

Erm...are you for real? You don't trust him at all and are trying to create an excuse in your head here. Men aren't some hopeless, helpless brain with a dick attached around other women. They make conscious choices and if he did cheat again, it would not be her fault. It would be his. And his conscious decision alone. Irregardless of how she acts.

If you trusted him you wouldn't even be making this post fgs.

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:12

@joaninthesun it's because I don't know the other woman. I know and trust my DP, but I have never met her. I wasn't suggesting that she was any worse than my DP for the affair, both clearly in the wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:15

@fiveredbricks I think your post is unfair. I wasn't trying to suggest that she is some sort of Siren luring unsuspecting men (and their dicks) to her....

I was simply wondering if I was being unreasonable in feeling unhappy about my DP working on a project with a woman he had previously had an intense affair with. End of.

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 09/05/2019 00:16

Why is it mind boggling she had an affair while engaged but he was having one while married? A bit lost there.

PositiveVibez · 09/05/2019 00:18

mind boggling that she was having an affair all the while engaged

Mind boggling that he was having an affair, all the while married.

You are deluded I fear. She is married now, but that counts for nothing. Your poor innocent man couldn't resist the vixens charms then. Why are you any different to his wife 🙄

joaninthesun · 09/05/2019 00:19

You say you trust him but if temptation is put before him? ??

What does he say about it? Is he keen to work with her? Has he said ‘the spark’ isn’t there? I think it’s fair for you to tell him you are not comfortable with them working together given their past history.

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:20

Beginning to wish I wish I hadn't put any background detail in to be picked apart by people inferring things I didn't mean.

To get this straight - it was shit he had an affair, shit that she did too. Neither one better than the other.

I only said it was mind boggling that she had an affair when engaged as surely she shouldn't have gone immediately ahead and got married given the circumstances.

OP posts:
joaninthesun · 09/05/2019 00:21

He should agree with your concerns and not work with her.

Graphista · 09/05/2019 00:21

He's playing with fire and he knows it.

A TRULY honourable man wouldn't even be entertaining the idea unless it was unavoidable and outside his control.

His ex wife also trusted him and look what happened!

My ex cheated and continues to cheat on wife 2 who was OW.

I'd be making it very clear to him he has a decision to make and it damn well better be the right one!

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:22

He has said there is no spark and he's totally devoted to me. I have zero reason to disbelieve him. He says it was a long time ago and thinks it's funny that I would be worried.
He seems to think working together would be ok.

OP posts:
SaneMum987 · 09/05/2019 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FreshAprilStart · 09/05/2019 00:23

That would be a no from me.

Trust is essential but why play with fire and pour petrol on it too? He shouldn't go there as their is too much history.

Fiveredbricks · 09/05/2019 00:24

And you don't think his wife thought the same OP? Or that he said the same things to her?

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 09/05/2019 00:26

I'm really not surprised you're concerned OP. They have a spark which endured for a long while. Sometimes physical attraction has a life of its own. She's not some random woman, and you're not being paranoid about every female he speaks to - she's a specific person who disrupted his previous relationship. And he let her.

If you feel worried speak to him. It's important you do. His willingness to hear you out, and his receptiveness to what you have to say, will tell you all you need to know.

PositiveVibez · 09/05/2019 00:27

He says it was a long time ago and thinks it's funny that I would be worried

Oh yes ha ha ha. Hilarious that you should be concerned that the woman he fucked behind his wife's back is back on the scene.

He hehe. He contemplated leaving his wife for her too 😂😂😂

God. You are so daft for being worried Lmao.

specterlitt · 09/05/2019 00:27

There were two people in that affair and one was your partner. If you don't trust her, but trust him, what are you worried about? If he is now so trustworthy, then no matter what she does, it won't make a difference and your partner will remain loyal to you. Therefore, you do not have an issue to be worried about. Or, the truth is, they're both not trustworthy around one another considering their history and you would not be unreasonable to be concerned in regards to that.

If you want impartial advice then it is good to provide background detail, it helps others advise you better. Just remember though, that affair only ended because that woman got married.

Maybe you do need to talk to him because after such a vile act as an affair, neither really should be in contact with one another. You may want to think again about this partner of yours.

specterlitt · 09/05/2019 00:29

I have zero reason to disbelieve him.

Because he has no history with this woman and was not cheating on his ex wife with her? Are you really that naive?

There's history here, two people who have had an affair don't often stay in touch after the affair has ended, if it even has that is.

Nancydrawn · 09/05/2019 00:31

I think being flippant about your concerns isn't fair of him.

HeddaGarbled · 09/05/2019 00:32

I think it’s perfectly reasonable of you to be highly uncomfortable with them working together given their history.

I think it is unreasonable to say that you trust him but not her. If he shags her, it’ll be because he chooses to, not because she lures him in with her black, deceitful ways.

That’s what the previous posters are picking up on, and rightly. Your partner has as much proven capacity for deceit and infidelity as she does. He is no more trustworthy than she is and she is no less trustworthy than he is. She is as capable of reform as he is.

gluteustothemaximus · 09/05/2019 00:34

Absolutely not. And he shouldn't even entertain it if he had respect for you.

I think people are jumping on your post because it came across that DP is perfect and the affair woman is not.

Once a cheater...

bpirockin · 09/05/2019 00:41

I would be very uncomfortable with this, and definitely feel the need to make that clear. As far as requesting that he doesn't work with her goes, I probably wouldn't ask because I'd want him to make the choice based on what I had already expressed to him. Trust or not, why play with fire?

There is a history, and that's always awkward, especially given the circumstances of their previous liaison when they apparently both disregarded their partners. Assuming that it is manageable for him not to get involved in the project, and it would not impact on his employment, then I would certainly hope that he puts your relationship first. I guess it would only be potentially difficult for him to do so if he is really the only person who can fulfil a particular role.

Beeziekn33ze · 09/05/2019 00:44

Why is the ex suggesting a project and requesting a meeting? She hasn’t done so since you and DH have been together.
Is her current relationship failing perhaps? I suspect she at least wants the lunch meetings to start again and, at worst, wants to restart the affair. Some men are only too ready to be ‘lured’.

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