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Original poster

DP working with ex affair partner

143 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:05

I think I'm probably being unreasonable here, so prepared to be flamed.
My DP is a devoted and loving man I have been with for 5 years. All good.
He was previously married and during that marriage he had an affair with someone he worked with (he told me about this affair after we had been dating a while and when he was telling me about how his marriage broke down, he was not proud of the fact).

Now, the affair in question was a little over 10 years ago , and went on for some months. By his own admission he was besotted by her and was on the verge of leaving his wife for her (he didn't, but it was the beginning of the end for their marriage). The affair ended after about six months when the other woman went and got married to someone else (mind boggling that she was having an affair all the while engaged).

So, over the years my DP has come into limited contact with this woman because of work. For a couple of years after the affair, they used to meet up for lunch and there was apparently still a spark between them, though nothing physical happened. Those meetings petered out.

He hasn't had any contact with this woman in the time we've been together, however there is a chance they will be working together again soon. He told me this evening that she had left him a voicemail today regarding a potential project and requesting a meeting.
My instant reaction was to tell him that he should have nothing to do with her and certainly not work with her on any project, given the history. I immediately felt like a complete idiot for saying that as I have no reason to distrust my DP, and he told me as much.

So....should I be worried about this? I do trust my DP, don't trust the other woman mind you. Aaarrgggh, it's just bugging me and I'm not happy about it, but also realise it may be silly to feel this way.

Am I being unreasonable to request that my DP has no contact with this woman?

OP posts:
vacanthellhome · 09/05/2019 09:14

*mind boggling that she was having an affair all the while engaged

Mind boggling that he was having an affair, all the while*

^^this

tisonlymeagain · 09/05/2019 09:16

He came to me first with this, and he didn't have to

This rings massive alarm bells for me. Without going into too much detail as it could be outing - I have seen this from the other side and that was a tactic employed to make things easier for the cheating couple to meet. Hiding in plain sight.

Sausagerollers · 09/05/2019 09:20

Why don't you contact the OW's now husband and see how he feels about it?

You can probably access his details through social media. Surely he deserves to know that his wife is about to be working with the man she had an affair with.

cookingonwine · 09/05/2019 09:29

I don't think you have anything to worry about. I say this because he is being upfront and honest. He has gone into detail about the past relationship and his feelings. So far he has been open about the phone call and potential meeting. Maybe if you haven't done so already ask him how he feels about it. He may have some anxiety over it?

But bottom line we've all got past history so don't get to hang up about it.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/05/2019 09:32

It's good that he told you.

It doesn't change the fact that you are not being unreasonable to not be ok with this.

I would tell him that a. you are not ok with it and are not going to be and b. he has to make a decision here as you aren't going to dictate and c. it isn't funny and you're not laughing.

The bottom line is that this is the kind of dilemma that is always a possibility when you get together with someone with a history of cheating on their wife.

Hopeygoflightly · 09/05/2019 09:35

I would not be happy with this. He is as much to blame as she is - it's'mind boggling' to you that this woman had an affair while engaged? Well he was MARRIED so...
He needs to get someone else to handle this project if it really is unavoidable that she's involved in it.

OldAndWornOut · 09/05/2019 09:39

Would it put his job in jeopardy to refuse to work with her?

I think it's madness to think that nothing would happen if they worked together.
It was obviously a very passionate fling, and it ended with a lot of things left unsaid and feelings not dealt with.

dottiedodah · 09/05/2019 09:39

I would talk to him and explain you feel uncomfortable with this scenario.Is there any way he can avoid this?.If not bear in mind ,she married someone else and presumably is still with this person after 10 years .It takes two to tango as they say ,and both were consenting adults !.However that was then and this is now ,If you are happy together he shouldnt need to stray!

NCforthis2019 · 09/05/2019 09:41

He’s a cheat. You’re a fool to think he might not do it again. Either you trust him or you don’t - you posting here tells me you don’t.

And as for the woman - in my opinion what he did (having an affair) was way worse than what she did. Does he even respect the vows of marriage??

RantyAnty · 09/05/2019 09:45

If your DH had any sense or respect for his marriage at all, he either should just ignore the request or reply sorry, I'm flat out with other work or not interested but x might be able to help you referring it off to someone else.

jacks11 · 09/05/2019 10:17

‘Tisonlyneagain

I see your point but then really what you’re saying is he can’t win. If he hadn’t said anything and OP found out later, that would have been deemed suspicious and a sign of him being deceptive, untrustworthy etc- because if he had nothing to hide, then why not tell his partner? But telling her is also being seen as suspicious, trying to “hide in plain sight”. So what should he have done (other than not cheat on his ex-wife in the first place, obviously, but given he can’t change the past...)?

The bottom line is you either believe someone can change, and give them the benefit of the doubt until you have reason not to, or you don’t believe people can change. If you believe the latter, you must think he will always be at risk of cheating and will never be able to trust him. So why stay in a relationship with someone you will never trust? That seems a strange thing to do to me.

I think it all boils down to whether OP trusts him or not. If she doesn’t, then this is just the situation which brought matters to a head not the cause of the problem. A relationship without trust is doomed, in my opinion.

I personally think many people are capable of cheating in the right circumstances- though it’s obviously wrong and i’m not condoning it. But I also think it’s possible to make that mistake and never to do it again if you’ve truly regretted it.

Elephantbiscuit · 09/05/2019 12:11

My ex had cheated on his first wife. I'm sure his wife trusted him and then proceeded to take him back multiple times during his affair. He left her when the OW got pregnant.

When I met him he was completely honest about his affair and said he would never behave like that again as it caused so much hurt. I believed him and trusted him completely as he had been so honest with me. He cheated on me and is now engaged to the OW.

Is there any reason she still has his number?

Telling you means nothing. They both clearly didn't care about their partners feelings in the past and he has a history with her and even if his intentions atm are honorable if there was a spark then there could be one again. I wouldn't be comfortable with them working together and would ask him not to.

septembersunshine · 09/05/2019 12:29

Well op, they have form. Both have cheated before and yes, it is a possibility they could do it again.

I guess now its a question of what you do with that knowledge. I would personally tell your dh your uncomfortable with this. Tell him the consequences of cheating on you and then move on. If he insits on starting this new project with her then keep an eye on things (but under the radar...don't talk about her/worry about it) just be the all seeing eye. What else can you?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 09/05/2019 12:46

How does he know there isn't a spark any more? He was going to leave his wife for her. It only ended because she went and married someone else.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 09/05/2019 12:48

Either she meant nothing in which case cheating is not a big deal for him...or she meant something and was special. So, either way not great.

theWarOnPeace · 09/05/2019 13:01

The blaming of the woman, as if she’s some kind of stupid but wily temptress, and then your insistence that he’s great and you have no doubts.... you’re not being honest with yourself here. Do you actually think that she was worse for the cheating than he was? Is that what you need to tell yourself?

LooUpdate · 09/05/2019 13:12

So I assume he's going to work with her regardless of your concerns? Seems you have a choice to make. Do you have any DC?

StreetDreams · 09/05/2019 13:16

Actually, I think having an affair while you're in the process of getting into a marriage is completely different from having an affair once your marriage is already breaking down. But that's by the by. Of course it's understandable that this makes you feel uncomfortable, OP, but I don't think it's nearly the red flag pp seem to think. It was all history before you two even met. It's as if he was going to be working with any other ex - a bit weird, perhaps worth monitoring, but far from doomed to end in infidelity. I think it's OK to be honest about how uncomfortable it makes you, but I think it's also fine for him to work with her provided he takes responsibility for making sure nothing happens to exacerbate that discomfort (e.g. late night or weekend working, daily 'strategy' lunches, etc). That needn't put him in a difficult position professionally, but if he's even halfway decent and considerate, it won't kill him either.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/05/2019 13:19

I wouldn't be comfortable with it anyway.

Rumbletum2 · 09/05/2019 13:19

Not sure why you trust him when you know fidelity isn’t that important to him.

justmyview · 09/05/2019 13:20

He has said there is no spark and he's totally devoted to me. I have zero reason to disbelieve him

I expect his wife thought the same. And her husband too

I think you have good reason to be wary

kalopali · 09/05/2019 13:21

Once a cheat always a cheat. First chance he gets he’ll be in there like a rat up a drainpipe.

MulticolourMophead · 09/05/2019 13:42

Him telling OP raises the possibility of hiding in plain sight "but you know i speak to X on the phone because project".

He hasn't physically been near her since the affair ended (that you know of) so he has no idea if the spark is still there.

He's being dismissive of your concerns. Not good.

And general advice after an affair is for the guilty partner to move to another job. Granted the marriage broke down so this option wasn't on the table, but it needs to be raised now as a possibility.

He hasn't made much of an attempt to reassure you, and yes, your concerns are valid.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2019 16:23

OP, if you're still reading, through the haze of knitting needles and tutting whilst thoroughly enjoying themselves at your expense then I hope you've had some time to reflect. You know your partner, we don't. There are too many posters on here who like to project their own experiences as 'fact' on somebody else's relationship.

The truth is that people do sometimes cheat or that some people generally cheat - or that some people who cheat decide never to do it again, and don't. Nobody can tell you what your partner is or would be capable of doing.

We're all capable of doing things that are wrong, some of us do them. We rehabilitate criminals and give them chances to turn their lives around - but, on mumsnet, people spout that 'once a cheater always a cheater' as if it actually means anything. It doesn't.

If your partner is being dismissive of you then he needs to understand your feelings on this and respect them. It's funny to him (possibly) because he thinks it's a ludicrous notion, but you do not have to feel the same way and clearly you don't. If he can't avoid working with this woman then ask him what he will do to a) reassure you and b) safeguard your relationship together? His responses need to be considered and genuine.

If he can avoid working with this woman then clearly he should. He may be so arrogant as to think that he can use her as some sort of human litmus test of his faithfulness to you but that's really not as important as demonstrating this faithfulness and respecting the fact that you are unhappy about this.

Once a cheater does not mean 'always a cheater' as much as some MNers like to keep saying it does. Sometime, a cheater meets someone that they genuinely fall in love with and doesn't cheat again. Who's to say that this isn't you and your partner? He and ex-AP didn't make it; you did.

Listen to what your gut is telling you and follow it; this thread really isn't helpful (or it wouldn't be for me), it's actually a bit nauseating.

I really wish you well - talk to your partner and lay it on the line of what a) the situation really is and b) that he stands to lose you if he gives you any sign of duplicity. You're worth far more and are not going to be putting up with that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2019 16:25

kalopali, perhaps you have experience of this, but perhaps OP's partner loves her more than that.

You don't know what you're talking about and your post is really unkind to the OP.