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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP working with ex affair partner

143 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:05

I think I'm probably being unreasonable here, so prepared to be flamed.
My DP is a devoted and loving man I have been with for 5 years. All good.
He was previously married and during that marriage he had an affair with someone he worked with (he told me about this affair after we had been dating a while and when he was telling me about how his marriage broke down, he was not proud of the fact).

Now, the affair in question was a little over 10 years ago , and went on for some months. By his own admission he was besotted by her and was on the verge of leaving his wife for her (he didn't, but it was the beginning of the end for their marriage). The affair ended after about six months when the other woman went and got married to someone else (mind boggling that she was having an affair all the while engaged).

So, over the years my DP has come into limited contact with this woman because of work. For a couple of years after the affair, they used to meet up for lunch and there was apparently still a spark between them, though nothing physical happened. Those meetings petered out.

He hasn't had any contact with this woman in the time we've been together, however there is a chance they will be working together again soon. He told me this evening that she had left him a voicemail today regarding a potential project and requesting a meeting.
My instant reaction was to tell him that he should have nothing to do with her and certainly not work with her on any project, given the history. I immediately felt like a complete idiot for saying that as I have no reason to distrust my DP, and he told me as much.

So....should I be worried about this? I do trust my DP, don't trust the other woman mind you. Aaarrgggh, it's just bugging me and I'm not happy about it, but also realise it may be silly to feel this way.

Am I being unreasonable to request that my DP has no contact with this woman?

OP posts:
Februaryblooms · 09/05/2019 05:20

YANBU. I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either if i were you, surely he's able to understand why.

If the shoe was on the other foot I highly doubt he'd be too happy about you working alongside an ex affair partner.

It's good that you told him how you feel, hopefully he takes it into consideration and keeps a respectable distance out of respect for the relationship.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 09/05/2019 05:25

You’re not paranoid. Leopards don’t change their spots.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2019 05:27

Laughing it off is not ok. I also agree you have every right to be concerned. He has already been there, done that. Can he choose not to work on this project?

TheRedBarrows · 09/05/2019 05:30

“It's dangerous working with an ex partner. I used to do a job where we went away for work, and of course we shared a hotel room. It happens”

As it happens I have several times been in close working contact with people I had previously had flings or relationships with and never once doubled back and cheated on my DH. And observed men in similiar situations keeping their boundaries.

OP: if you trust him, trust him. Trying to control him won’t work anyway.

barbsbarbs · 09/05/2019 05:37

If you have to tell him not to work with her, that's a problem in itself and tbh a control issue. we cant stop our partners interacting with other people, just because it makes us feel uncomfortable. If a relationship is healthy, there should not even be the question.

CupoTeap · 09/05/2019 05:54

If you really do trust him, it should make no difference at all if you don't trust her.

Think about it, if he can be trusted then it shouldn't matter what she did or said he would not cheat on you.

I guess the only good thing I can find is that he has told you about it.Presumably is no way you would have found this out otherwise?

LizzieSiddal · 09/05/2019 06:00

we cant stop our partners interacting with other people, just because it makes us feel uncomfortable. If a relationship is healthy, there should not even be the question.

How naive Barbs. You’re talking as if relationships exists in a perfect little bubble. The OP’s relationship exists because the H chested on his ex wife and divorced her. The affair partner he had is now back in contact wishing to work with him (according to him), so the OP is perfectly entitled to feel uncomfortable and rather than ignore it, act on it. She’s be mad not to.

And OP I agree with others, your H is being entirely disingenuous and minimising your feelings. You need a very serious conversation about what is going through his head at the moment, as his behaviour is indicating he really doesn’t care about you or your feelings.

palahvah · 09/05/2019 06:03

My instant reaction was to tell him that he should have nothing to do with her and certainly not work with her on any project, given the history. I immediately felt like a complete idiot for saying that as I have no reason to distrust my DP, and he told me as much.

He would you you were a complete idiot for not wanting him to have anything more to do with her?

azulmariposa · 09/05/2019 06:06

I know you said that you trust him completely, but his ex-wife probably did too.
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him not to work with her. I would be very wary in your situation.

wertuio · 09/05/2019 06:16

Maybe, before everyone leaps to conclusions based on the past, you could investigate the present?
What sort of project is this? Will it be just the two of them? Will it last days, weeks, months?
If this work project is a big deal then H might be damaging his career by stepping away from it.
Could you have dinner with the other woman and her husband?

ukgift2016 · 09/05/2019 06:19

Urgh, I thought you'd all tell me I was being paranoid.

Really? Lol.

He is also totally gas lighting you as well.

Good luck.

LizzieSiddal · 09/05/2019 06:20

If this work project is a big deal then H might be damaging his career by stepping away from it.

And he could damage his marriage by not stepping away from it.

Could you have dinner with the other woman and her husband?

Oh yes, that would be such fun, I bet OP can’t wait!

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 09/05/2019 06:20

IMO 10 years is no time at all. I have sports bras older than that.

As far as I know in 32 years my DH has never cheated on me so I am not a suspicious person, but I would be very concerned about the situation you describe. You are not a complete idiot to not like the idea of two people who have had a physical relationship, both have a history of cheating and who maintained a ‘sparky’ emotional relationship after the affair ended spending any time together.

HBStowe · 09/05/2019 06:23

mind boggling that she was having an affair all the while engaged).

No more mind boggling than your husband having an affair while actually married.

I think if you believe you can trust him, you should also trust her. They were both equally responsible for the affair after all. That said, you know your husband has the capacity to be unfaithful, so I totally understand why you are concerned about this.

Ultimately, if you trust him, you shouldn’t have anything to fear, but that’s an easy thing to say when obviously in reality you have good reasons for feeling that he can’t be trusted.

I also think it’s worrying that he isn’t taking your concerns seriously.

Ultimately, I would expect him to put your feelings first on this.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 09/05/2019 06:23

He says it was a long time ago and thinks it's funny that I would be worried.
He seems to think working together would be ok

How fucking dismissive of him. If he isn't going to take the potential risks seriously then he's already half way there to thinking about the possibility of rekindling it.

Allhailthesun · 09/05/2019 06:41

Do you think he’s laughing it off because secretly he’s a bit worried too?
I can’t believe everyone goes into affairs thinking “marvellous”. If I had to meet up with someone I’d been intensely passionate with, I’d be concerned those feelings were still there and I know they’d have to be talked out at some point.
So he’s never going to discuss what went on with her...ever? Mmm.

SunshineCake · 09/05/2019 06:48

What will you do, Absofuckinglutely?

maddening · 09/05/2019 07:03

She ended it with him, it did not end because he stopped being besotted with her..

downcasteyes · 09/05/2019 07:07

You married someone who cheated. This was always a possibility.

Pppppppp1234 · 09/05/2019 07:11

I think he’s been open and honest about the affair and the contact so I would be open and honest with him about how you are feeling OP.
10 years ago is a long time though, those thoughts and feelings that made the “fling” have a spark fade, looks change and the excitement that would have been there is gone.
I would imagine your Dh must have been miserable in his previous relationship and he is happy now with you.

Talk things through with him and see what he says, realistically he will need to do this project most likely so that element will have to be accepted but talking through your feeling is so much better than thinking the worse!

NameChangeNugget · 09/05/2019 07:11

The only opinion on here that counts is yours OP.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 09/05/2019 07:13

You'd be mad not to wonder and worry.

Petalflowers · 09/05/2019 07:18

Good news that he has told you, it I would be nervous as well.

Possibly it is all dead and buried, but she was serious enough for him to want to leave his wife, although maybe having the affair made dh realise the marriage wasn’t’t working, rather the ow fault, as such.

I think it’s slightly strange that ow went on to get married after cheating on fiancé as well.

Welliesandpyjamas · 09/05/2019 07:19

Will there be other people working on this project or just the two of them? That’s something to consider to assess the chances of temptations being resisted.

Will his career be negatively affected if he does not do this project (assuming he is in a position to refuse)? It is unfair to ask a grown adult to restrict themselves personally and professionally based on their partner’s fear, however well founded.

Do you have dc together? Think ahead. Since there is a higher than average chance of something hapoening between them (compared with him working with a random female colleague), ask hourself what your plans would be for your dc, if you have them, in the case of splitting up.

Hopefully nothing bad will happen, OP. But your instinct was immediate for a reason. If he turns out to be a serial cheater, move on with your life and be proud of being the better person. If he respects the terms of your marriage, then it can only make you stronger together.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 07:20

You are not being paranoid. Your feelings of unease and distress are a perfectly ordinary response to a situation like this.

He has said there is no spark and he's totally devoted to me. I would imagine he would have said that to his ex wife, right up to the moment he almost left her

I have zero reason to disbelieve him. Except he has a track record for infidelity

He says it was a long time ago and thinks it's funny that I would be worried. That is the very worst thing. He is dismissing your concerns. He doesn't want to consider them, he doesn't care enough to.

He seems to think working together would be ok Of course he does. He has a few options to look forward to:
There will be no muitual 'spark' any more and they will work together like any other colleagues;
She will make it clear she still fancies him and he will get an enormous ego boost;
He will fancy her still and the game is back on!

If option 1 was what he was hoping for then he wouldn't have any problem being more reassuringi, would he? He certianly woudn't be laughing off your fears.

You need to sit him down and go through it again, slowly. Explain to him clearly that being so dismissive isn't helping him in any way...

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