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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP working with ex affair partner

143 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:05

I think I'm probably being unreasonable here, so prepared to be flamed.
My DP is a devoted and loving man I have been with for 5 years. All good.
He was previously married and during that marriage he had an affair with someone he worked with (he told me about this affair after we had been dating a while and when he was telling me about how his marriage broke down, he was not proud of the fact).

Now, the affair in question was a little over 10 years ago , and went on for some months. By his own admission he was besotted by her and was on the verge of leaving his wife for her (he didn't, but it was the beginning of the end for their marriage). The affair ended after about six months when the other woman went and got married to someone else (mind boggling that she was having an affair all the while engaged).

So, over the years my DP has come into limited contact with this woman because of work. For a couple of years after the affair, they used to meet up for lunch and there was apparently still a spark between them, though nothing physical happened. Those meetings petered out.

He hasn't had any contact with this woman in the time we've been together, however there is a chance they will be working together again soon. He told me this evening that she had left him a voicemail today regarding a potential project and requesting a meeting.
My instant reaction was to tell him that he should have nothing to do with her and certainly not work with her on any project, given the history. I immediately felt like a complete idiot for saying that as I have no reason to distrust my DP, and he told me as much.

So....should I be worried about this? I do trust my DP, don't trust the other woman mind you. Aaarrgggh, it's just bugging me and I'm not happy about it, but also realise it may be silly to feel this way.

Am I being unreasonable to request that my DP has no contact with this woman?

OP posts:

cabcab · 09/05/2019 16:26

There are too many posters on here who like to project their own experiences as 'fact' on somebody else's relationship.

Isn't that what people post for....other people's experiences or thoughts?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2019 16:28

Of course, cabcab but just because x,y,z scenario happened for one poster doesn't mean that it can just be slapped on to another poster's circumstances. Different people, for a start. Different relationships, different situation, so many variables.

SavingSpaces2019 · 09/05/2019 19:12

I do trust my DP
So did his ex-wife.

He still had the affair knowing she was engaged - i.e no strings fun.
He continued to meet up with her tete a tete for 2 years cos he still held a spark for her despite the affair allegedly being over....and i don't buy the 'nothing physical happened' crap.....afterall, he was hardly going to be honest about that with his at the time new gf.
He's also hardly likely to be honest with you if he/they still hold a spark for each other and want some more no strings illicit fun?

She is the one who 'got away' - she ended the affair and i bet she ended the 'meet ups'.
He didn't give a rats ass about how inappropriate his behaviour was...and i bet he would have carried on if she hadn't ended it.
I wouldn't trust him or his judgement where she's concerned.

He told me this evening that she had left him a voicemail today regarding a potential project and requesting a meeting
Sounds to me like she's trying to resurrect their past (?bored/failing marriage)
There's no need for a tete a tete meeting re a potential project.
IF they are given the project - then he should ensure any necessary meetings are held in his workplace.

He shouldn't even feel the need to consider her request given their history plus how disrespectful it is to you.

cabcab · 09/05/2019 19:26

Of course, cabcab but just because x,y,z scenario happened for one poster doesn't mean that it can just be slapped on to another poster's circumstances. Different people, for a start. Different relationships, different situation, so many variables.

But of course it's relevant, it's an experience that others have had. So if someone has a similar situation of course they will tell the OP. It's not being slapped on, it's sharing experience.

cottonwoolmouth · 09/05/2019 19:31

He only told you incase you found out. That means nothing.

He seems to think working together would be ok

Yeah I bet he does.

I’m sure his poor ex wife trusted him too

WhatOnPlanetEarth · 09/05/2019 19:35

Haha no. Wouldn’t be happy.

Nope.

Just nope

Mythreefavouritethings · 09/05/2019 20:01

No, not necessarily once a cheater, always a cheater. But to tell you he may be working with the woman he once cheated on his wife with? No. No knitting needles here, just a bit of self-respect.

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2019 21:58

I see your point but then really what you’re saying is he can’t win. If he hadn’t said anything and OP found out later, that would have been deemed suspicious and a sign of him being deceptive, untrustworthy etc- because if he had nothing to hide, then why not tell his partner? But telling her is also being seen as suspicious, trying to “hide in plain sight”. So what should he have done (other than not cheat on his ex-wife in the first place, obviously, but given he can’t change the past...)?
Well no. IF he wants to voluntarily enter a working arrangement so he sees this woman regularly, then he can’t win.
If however he had said to this ex affair partner I’m sure you understand I can’t work with you, it would be a bit much to ask OP to put up with given she knows our history.
Then he’s winning, if staying in a healthy loving trusting relationship with OP is the prize.

PeakedTooEarly · 10/05/2019 06:06

Timeisnotaline is right. He sounds dismissive of your fears and that is not a good start as he almost certainly used that as a tactic with his ex wife too.

He needs to choose to not work with her if that is possible. Is that possible OP? I and a previous poster have asked if he has a choice and you haven't answered. If he has a choice and chooses to work with her, all the while dismissing your justified fears from the outset, that is worrying in it's own right.
I don't believe the once a cheater always a cheater but there's other signs at play here too. The fact that he has said there's no spark makes me think they have already met. He wouldn't be able to say there's no spark from just a phone call unless for example she told him she was pregnant or something like that.
The fact thay he has openly told you he has had a call is good but it could also be bad. If he had a choice as to working with her and took it, he would have to tell you really wouldn't he? Not good.

PeakedTooEarly · 10/05/2019 06:07

That not thay sorry.

YemenRoadYemen · 10/05/2019 19:54

Exactly. He can 'win' by opting out of the arrangement altogether. It's an easy 'win' surely.

I cheated on my ex, so I'm first to say 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is bollocks.

But likewise, I wouldn't in a million years want to have anything to do with the person I cheated on my ex with. No thanks.

Emily1091 · 11/05/2019 12:10

I wouldn’t be happy about it one single bit. You can’t stop him from working though so I’d just explain how you feel and the history and see what he says. If I was you I’d be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for him to say ok I won’t meet with her - but I’d also slip in there if he feels there is any kind of spark no matter how dull then to politely decline the offer for the sake of your family and for history to not repeat itself! Must be awful I feel for you

thethoughtfox · 11/05/2019 12:16

You have every reason not to trust him. He lied to his wife thousands of time and broke his marital vows over and over and over again. He either finds it funny you feel distress or he is deliberately trying to create the impression you are hysterical and overreacting so he can get away with this again.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/05/2019 12:27

I do trust my DP So did his wife and then he broke his vows he made. It's not her at fault alone, it was both of them. .

I'd think if marriage wasn't sacred to a person and they so easily broke their vows why would dating be any different whatsoever?

TanyaChix · 11/05/2019 23:42

Of course YANBU. You only have his word that he’s over her. Unless I misread it, he didn’t end it with her because he felt out of love, it was because she got married to someone else. No way I’d be happy with him spending time with a woman he once had an affair with.

Greeborising · 11/05/2019 23:49

Op I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all
I would absolutely hate it if my partner was mixing with someone he once had very strong feelings for.
Thing is though, don’t make yourself look jealous and needy.
Try and have confidence in yourself

Givemealittkewan · 12/05/2019 05:36

He says there's no spark Amd he's devoted to you however the affair needed as she got married?

Givemealittkewan · 12/05/2019 05:39

Also it may make no difference at all but is she still happily married?

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