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Original poster

DP working with ex affair partner

143 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:05

I think I'm probably being unreasonable here, so prepared to be flamed.
My DP is a devoted and loving man I have been with for 5 years. All good.
He was previously married and during that marriage he had an affair with someone he worked with (he told me about this affair after we had been dating a while and when he was telling me about how his marriage broke down, he was not proud of the fact).

Now, the affair in question was a little over 10 years ago , and went on for some months. By his own admission he was besotted by her and was on the verge of leaving his wife for her (he didn't, but it was the beginning of the end for their marriage). The affair ended after about six months when the other woman went and got married to someone else (mind boggling that she was having an affair all the while engaged).

So, over the years my DP has come into limited contact with this woman because of work. For a couple of years after the affair, they used to meet up for lunch and there was apparently still a spark between them, though nothing physical happened. Those meetings petered out.

He hasn't had any contact with this woman in the time we've been together, however there is a chance they will be working together again soon. He told me this evening that she had left him a voicemail today regarding a potential project and requesting a meeting.
My instant reaction was to tell him that he should have nothing to do with her and certainly not work with her on any project, given the history. I immediately felt like a complete idiot for saying that as I have no reason to distrust my DP, and he told me as much.

So....should I be worried about this? I do trust my DP, don't trust the other woman mind you. Aaarrgggh, it's just bugging me and I'm not happy about it, but also realise it may be silly to feel this way.

Am I being unreasonable to request that my DP has no contact with this woman?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2019 07:21

I think you're being a bit daft actually OP. Look at the facts. He told you about it. It happened when he was with somebody else, not with you. He was going to leave his wife and didn't - she married somebody else.

They could have been together; it didn't happen.

He's now with you, you're a new and separate partner and this is nothing to do with you as it wasn't during your relationship. You could make it your business though, make such heavy weather of it that you make him think that there's something 'still there' and maybe that would come to pass.

Or? You could trust him. He's been honest with you.

All your choice but, working with this woman is something that HE has to decide, not you. You would be foolish to put that stricture on him, the only decision you have to make really is whether you will give this past affair enough credence to put your current relationship in jeopardy.

I understand your fear and your concern, I think that's natural but, you don't have control of this. The only thing you have control of is determining what you will and won't allow - I'm sure you've made it clear since your partner told you of the affair, that you wouldn't be made a fool of. Ever.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2019 07:23

As for 'leopards don't change spots', track record and tripe like that - do yourself a favour and don't enter into relationships with people who've ever cheated.

^^ that's for PP rather than you, OP. It keeps getting trotted out and it's lame. Ask the question before you commit, that would be best for everybody. If it's an "I cheated before" answer then walk away. Not hard.

eggsandwich · 09/05/2019 07:26

I think the issue here is that he’s got previous form for cheating, and the fact that he’s now likely to see this woman that was not just a fling but he was besotted with has understandably make you feel uneasy.

Its good that he’s been open and honest with you that there paths are going to cross again, but I’m with you in it wouldn’t sit well with me either.

PeakedTooEarly · 09/05/2019 07:28

As a PP has asked. Does he have to work with her or is this a choice he as made OP?

MyNewBearTotoro · 09/05/2019 07:31

If he could cheat on his ex wife he could cheat on you. If she could cheat on her fiancé she could cheat on her husband. I don’t believe people’s morals often change drastically so if somebody feels that it’s okay to lie and cheat behind one partners back then logically if placed in the same situation they will find the same behaviour justifiable again.

Drogosnextwife · 09/05/2019 07:36

How can you trust a man who cheated on his wife? Of course you don't trust him, she didn't force him into bed and cast some spell on him to make him besotted with her.
I would probably leave my DP if he insisted on working with someone he had an affair with. I don't give a shit if people think that's controlling.

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2019 07:41

I’d be incensed he thinks it’s funny. You don’t have to ask him not to but you have to say it does bother you, and it’s up to him what he does, but while he is working with her you will spend a lot of time thinking about him sneaking away from his partner to have sex with someone else so he can’t expect you to be your usual self around him, or not to be short tempered and off. Most people are not at all interested in working with an ex, he seems keen. It’s his decision, but there are impacts and how you feel is one of them.

LakieLady · 09/05/2019 07:45

Will there be other people working on this project or just the two of them? That’s something to consider to assess the chances of temptations being resisted.

Just what I was thinking. Or he could he keep contact to a minimum by delegating most of ithe work, and contact with her, to a more junior colleague? That would enable him to keep her at arm's length, so to speak, and minimise one-to-one contact.

Pardonwhat · 09/05/2019 07:47

I’ll be amazed if they don’t rub genitals again. At the very least an emotional affair.
There’s no way in hell I’d be with him. How dare he be so flippant about your concerns given his track record with this woman!? And then to even contemplate the two of them working together again? Shock

justarandomtricycle · 09/05/2019 07:51

I sympathize this is an absolutely horrible situation to be in. I am really not sure what I'd do in this situation.

He is being stupid by choosing it, one way or another.

This may be a case for brave trust - give him the benefit of the doubt and ltb if he dallies. If he was really going to sleep with her what would you be averting by trying to stop it now?

On the other hand I would almost consider the possibility this is subtly destructive behaviour. You can have all the trust and new starts in the world but if someone starts putting themselves in the same situations again it can be a sign all is not well with them.

dustarr73 · 09/05/2019 07:54

2 things jump out at me.Did he tell you willingly or was he backed in to a corner.

I dont believe once a cheat always a cheat,but in this case its the affair partner.They already have history.Maybe he told you know cause they have already met up.

But theres no way i would trust this,its like deja vu

BigChocFrenzy · 09/05/2019 07:57

The problem is not so much that she's an ex, but that she's an ex with whom he previously cheated

LuckyAmy1986 · 09/05/2019 07:58

Did you hear the voicemail?

Hollowvictory · 09/05/2019 08:01

No doubt he told his 1st wife that there was no spark with ow and that he was devoted to her...

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 08:06

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe this is exactly what I felt was right. He came to me first with this, and he didn't have to. I have no doubt that he loves me and has no interest in starting things up again with her. That would be absurd, he is a great man and I also think the leapords thing is a hackneyed old phrase that's not universally true.

I feel like I don't want to control him, as that's no way to conduct a happy relationship. I would like him to choose not to be in touch with her rather than have me dictate to him. It's a difficult one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 08:07

He told me willingly, I'd never have known otherwise.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 09/05/2019 08:07

Well if youve no doubt then theres no problem

Ginger1982 · 09/05/2019 08:10

Nope. Can just imagine the conversation when alone together. 'Do you remember that time...?' 'Yeah, all in the past now though, right?' 'Right....'

As they rip each other's clothes off.

I wouldn't be happy about this at all and even if he didn't cheat on you, I would spend every minute I knew they were together worrying about it so it would make for a pretty miserable time.

Minty · 09/05/2019 08:14

In his position I would be doing everything I could to avoid being in the same room as her. I don't think those feelings die so easily, even when you are totally happy with your current partner.

It's going to be a stress on your relationship throughout this project, however reasonable you're both trying to be now. I think you are right to go with your gut and say how it makes you feel. Unless he's a one man band, presumably someone can be substituted/deputise for him at work?

B3ck89 · 09/05/2019 08:18

I bet his ex wife trusted him the whole time he was having sex with another woman.
You trust him, but not her?
They BOTH can’t be trusted.
In relation to the meeting, I wouldn’t be comfortable with it at all considering the history, and the fact he had to tell you there was still a spark after the affair ended Hmm
That wouldn’t make me comfortable with the situation at all. What if he meets her and the spark is still there? Will he cross a line? Again

LuckyAmy1986 · 09/05/2019 08:21

So did you hear the voicemail?

TheSerenDipitY · 09/05/2019 08:51

well you know what they say...
once a cheater always a cheater

jacks11 · 09/05/2019 09:05

I can understand being concerned and uncomfortable, given the history. But he has been open about the affair and also about this latest contact/work project. He could quite easily have kept quiet. So it IS a possibility that this is all above board. After all, I don’t still fancy every ex-partner (whether they dumped me or vice-versa) and would be perfectly capable of working with them without starting a relationship or having a fling. In fact, I do work quite closely with an ex-partner from years ago and I can safely say I don’t have any romantic feelings for him at all. I get that the fact he had an affair can put a different slant on things, but it was 10 years ago and a lot can change in 10 years.

May all be a moot point though as OP’s partner may not get the choice as to who he works with (other than by resigning).

ukgift2016 · 09/05/2019 09:08

He came to me first with this, and he didn't have to. I have no doubt that he loves me and has no interest in starting things up again with her. That would be absurd, he is a great man and I also think the leapords thing is a hackneyed old phrase that's not universally true.

If your happy about it then why are you posting on here?

Confused waste of your time.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 09:11

I have no doubt that he loves me and has no interest in starting things up again with her But you do, you are posting that doubt here.

You are allowed to have niggles about it. Really you are!

No matter how embarrassed he is about the situation he shouldn't dismiss your feelings.

You should be able to discuss this and openly acknowledge the realities of the situation!

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