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Original poster

DP working with ex affair partner

143 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:05

I think I'm probably being unreasonable here, so prepared to be flamed.
My DP is a devoted and loving man I have been with for 5 years. All good.
He was previously married and during that marriage he had an affair with someone he worked with (he told me about this affair after we had been dating a while and when he was telling me about how his marriage broke down, he was not proud of the fact).

Now, the affair in question was a little over 10 years ago , and went on for some months. By his own admission he was besotted by her and was on the verge of leaving his wife for her (he didn't, but it was the beginning of the end for their marriage). The affair ended after about six months when the other woman went and got married to someone else (mind boggling that she was having an affair all the while engaged).

So, over the years my DP has come into limited contact with this woman because of work. For a couple of years after the affair, they used to meet up for lunch and there was apparently still a spark between them, though nothing physical happened. Those meetings petered out.

He hasn't had any contact with this woman in the time we've been together, however there is a chance they will be working together again soon. He told me this evening that she had left him a voicemail today regarding a potential project and requesting a meeting.
My instant reaction was to tell him that he should have nothing to do with her and certainly not work with her on any project, given the history. I immediately felt like a complete idiot for saying that as I have no reason to distrust my DP, and he told me as much.

So....should I be worried about this? I do trust my DP, don't trust the other woman mind you. Aaarrgggh, it's just bugging me and I'm not happy about it, but also realise it may be silly to feel this way.

Am I being unreasonable to request that my DP has no contact with this woman?

OP posts:
Graphista · 09/05/2019 00:45

"I have zero reason to disbelieve him"

Except his track record!

"thinks it's funny that I would be worried" he's ALREADY Dismissing your feelings and VERY VALID concerns, prepping to dismiss any further concerns you raise.

"He has said there is no spark" he hasn't as yet been in recent physical proximity to her yet though has he?

Playing

With

Fire!

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 09/05/2019 00:52

Urgh, I thought you'd all tell me I was being paranoid.

OP posts:
jacks11 · 09/05/2019 00:52

Is it up to him to choose who he works with? He may not have a choice. In my job, I really wouldn't be able to pick and choose work colleagues.

I think that if you really did 100% trust him, then this wouldn't be such a big issue for you. It might make you a bit uncomfortable, but not to the extent that you want him to refuse to work with her.

mabelsgarden · 09/05/2019 00:52

@Absofuckinglutely

Sorry my love, but your partner intends to cheat on you with this old flame. It's so screamingly obvious.

'He told me this evening that she had left him a voicemail today regarding a potential project and requesting a meeting.'

How utterly convenient. Wink

He has said there is no spark and he's totally devoted to me. I have zero reason to disbelieve him. He says it was a long time ago and thinks it's funny that I would be worried. He seems to think working together would be ok.

Hmmm I bet he thinks working together would be OK. Hmm

If he had a scrap of respect for you, and really cared about you as much as he claims, he would ignore the voicemail he allegedly got from this ex affair partner, and block her bloody number.

You have my sympathy OP, truly you do. This is going to be a rough ride for you.

Start being firm! Don't tolerate his bullshit, and don't tolerate the patronising way he is minimising your fears and worries, and do NOT tolerate his blatantly obvious gaslighting!

If I were you, I would tell him that if he carries on with this convenient 'project' with this woman he shagged behind his wife's back, then it's over between you and him.

Good luck. Flowers

Mary1935 · 09/05/2019 00:56

I agree with Mable - how convenient - he was going to leave his partner for her - who are you - his wife - she’s a player - he needs to tread carefully.

returnofthecat · 09/05/2019 01:06

He's already told you about this woman - this woman who was so alluring he ruined a previous relationship for her. And now, when he has the chance to work with her again, he isn't thinking about how uncomfortable you might feel in light of what he's shared and how to address those concerns, he's making it into a funny joke. Because he's the big man who all the girls fight over. I bet he's feeling good about this - doubt you are. The fact he's putting his ego above your feelings is Not A Good Sign.

Chances are that this woman isn't remotely interested in your partner, but the fact that he is playing your insecurities rather than allaying them suggests he is probably a Prize A Twat and he may well go chasing after a different woman, because 1) everyone wants him and 2) you'll be too busy worrying about flame from the past to notice flame from the present.

This woman isn't the problem - he is. Don't let him make this woman into the enemy - she hasn't done you any wrong. He has. Your beef is with him.

I've been where you are, and whilst I am no longer speaking to my gaslighting ex, I'm on good terms with the flame from the past who it turns out is actually delightful. After we broke up and I stopped having my insecurities fed by him, I realised he had used her to make me feel shit and manipulate me, when actually, she was perfectly nice. His side of the story was utter garbage.

Don't put up with garbage. You know what you're worth, really. You know you do.

CharityConundrum · 09/05/2019 01:08

He was 'besotted' with her to the extent that it ended his previous marriage and he has the gall to laugh when you say you have concerns about him working with her?! Whatever his intentions towards this woman, this behaviour is unpleasant - there's absolutely nothing funny about your valid concerns that he still has residual feelings for the woman he has already risked it all for once. You should be able to talk about them without him dismissing them so casually and the fact that this situation has already shown you a side of him that has caught you by surprise is a further concern.

UnPocoLoco2 · 09/05/2019 01:14

It's a bit premature to blame just her. I mean he did willingly stick it up her lala. But no yanbu. I would insist he did not work with her to keep your marriage. Once a cheater always a cheater

StoppinBy · 09/05/2019 02:00

I don't believe 'once a cheater, always a cheater' as people cheat for different reasons and they wont be relevant in all of their future relationships, I do however question why he sees humour in the fact you are worried.

It sounds like he is downplaying the issue for a reason. In this situation you are in te exact same position as his ex wife except kind of worse because their intimate relationship has already been previously established and I would 100% be worried if I were you.

Graphista · 09/05/2019 02:23

I'm wondering if she's recently separated from the man she married at the end of the previous affair? Has she recently had a child? Bereavement? Has he?

The timing could be very informative.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 09/05/2019 02:36

He's had an affair before so you know it's something he's capable of and will quite likely do to you. She ended the affair not him. I can't believe you're even asking if it's ok.... Him wanting to work with her is a massive red flag.

SandAndSea · 09/05/2019 02:40

I wouldn't like this either. No need to stoke the fire, or play with it as Graphista mentioned.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/05/2019 02:42

He has said there is no spark and he's totally devoted to me. I have zero reason to disbelieve him

I can give you one reason.....

He is an admitted cheat and liar.

SandAndSea · 09/05/2019 02:48

Just to add that I don't think there's anything funny about you being worried about this.

Hopefully, if he's the good husband you think he is, he will think things through a bit more, respect your concerns and step away from the ex.

MyCatHogsTheBed · 09/05/2019 02:49

He's not a nice chap, if he thinks this is funny. Hark at all these women fighting for Me, the Prize Twat , he is thinking. Perhaps I'll dip my wick for old times sake.

Nothing - not your relationship nor her marriage is any more serious than the types of relationship and partners they both cheated on before. They have no reason to not cheat together again.

Your language has been very revealing. She cannot seduce a happily committed decent man. Unless he is not that innocent, and is a willing participant. If that happens, he is just as guilty as her. He might even seduce her.

This is why I couldn't entertain the idea of a relationship with q known cheater. You will ALWAYS be looking over your shoulder - or in this case, right next to him at "work".

RosemaryHoight · 09/05/2019 02:51

Grim. No big deal when he's cheating on his ex wife because you will be the next one or will suck it up. What do you expect? That he is suddenly decent.

Nanamilly · 09/05/2019 02:52

Op, I think you’re in for a very difficult time of it but I’ve no idea at all as to what you can do about it.

I’m so sorry this has reared it’s ugly head.

Sadiesnakes · 09/05/2019 03:05

Nope.

If he go's ahead and works with her prepare to be back here in 6 months after finding out they are up to their old tricks.
He ruined his last marriage for this woman, you are deluded to think it won't happen again and of course he will tell you otherwise, like he did his poor exdw.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2019 03:09

I think it's reasonable to be worried and annoyed that he is going to work with her again BUT he did volunteer the information, which he may well not have done if he had any plans to resume the affair.

So I think you can be reassured that he does NOT aim to revisit that situation - I would be, but I still understand your reservations.

YemenRoadYemen · 09/05/2019 03:14

Urgh, I thought you'd all tell me I was being paranoid.

Unfortunately, given the scenario you've described, I don't think you're going to get many people saying that, @Absofuckinglutely

Most of us would feel equally uneasy in your shoes.

It's a bit shit really - your stuck between a rock and a hard place (no pun intended. You're either 'controlling' and tell him not to do it, or you're 'cool' with it, whilst actually being (quite reasonably) not OK at all.

Thanks
Harriedharriet · 09/05/2019 03:28

I would be uncomfortable with this. He will be working with her under the same circumstances they had before - unavailable, married etc. It could reignite that "draw" they have. You are right to be alert. He is a fool not to be.

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2019 03:49

They've proven to both be untrustworthy. They both continued an affair whilst married/getting married. Hes SAYS he has no spark for her - of course he'll say that. He's a good, well practised proven liar. As Mary angelou said - when someone shows them who you are, believe them the first time.

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2019 03:52

Also, it's human nature to think we'll act or behave a certain way in a certainsituation, but when actually IN that situation, we behave differently, do things differently. He may honestly think he's fine with working with her but if in close proximity to someone he had secret sex with constantly and with whom he professed to have a spark with even after the affair ended? Who knows how he'll really feel or behave.

HennyPennyHorror · 09/05/2019 03:56

I see why you're worried but I feel quite strongly that if you're going to worry about potential infidelity then that's as time wasting as worrying about "Maybe getting ill" or "Maybe losing your job"

If something's going to happen due to someone being thrown together with someone else...then the chances are, it would have happened anyway.

Maybe not with the same person...but the other party has the CAPACITY to cheat then they will.

RantyAnty · 09/05/2019 04:13

OP does he have to work on this project or is it a choice?

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