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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most married couples settle?

244 replies

RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:13

Not actually my AIBU but more my male best friend’s. He believes that most married couples have settled for each other. I’m clearly a romantic fool who still believes in true love. Who is BU? Do most couples settle for each other?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 08/05/2019 10:42

I think everyone makes compromises. I have positives and negatives to my character and so does my oh. It's about deciding what positives are important to you and what negatives you can overlook. For example, my oh isn't especially romantic but he's brilliant at practical help and never lets me down. I can always rely on him. Maybe other women would prefer it the other way round?

I consider settling to be entering into a relationship with someone you have no spark or chemistry with. That can fade over time but if you've never felt it with your partner then you've settled. I have a friend who did this and openly admits it to me. I couldn't do it.

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 08/05/2019 10:45

To me settling is the examples you sometimes see posted about on here. Where the OP says their partner cares for them, treats them well, they’re more or less happy, have a good life but they don’t feel like they’re in love with their OH. They love them and are happy but not in love. To me that’s settling, because what they have isn’t quite enough. You can have all that, and be in love.

All the stuff about leaving pants on the floor, well that can still happen and that’s just part of a relationship once the exciting part has worn off. My DH may have some annoying habits, I’m sure I do too. It doesn’t mean we’ve settled, I still love the very being off him and fancy him loads. I feel very lucky.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/05/2019 10:49

I don't think I settled. He's still my cheerleader, I'm still his biggest fan. We thrive on making one another happy. Perhaps not in the same way as when we first met, but without that chemistry we wouldn't have chosen to marry one another.

However, it also depends on how you define settling. I think some people's hopes are so high that if someone doesn't match up to the image in their head, they walk away. And in that respect, I suppose I've settled in accepting that DH is as flawed as the next person, and loving the bones of him anyway? If you're aiming for perfection, accepting anyone less than that will always be "settling".

RussianSpamBot · 08/05/2019 10:52

While I don't disagree necessarily, I'm curious by the number of people who are saying that more people will settle than admit to it. Why? It would seem even more precarious to settle and then refuse to admit that you'd done so... surely the upside of settling is that you know and accept those traits; and are aware that you've done so?

Yeah I kind of reckon that too. I do actually know someone who I think settled and knew she was, but it has worked very well for her a decade in. They both have the children they wanted and rub along happily together. We are at the age (coming up to 40) where the divorces start so I guess we'll see, but the same is true for everyone, and the most obviously unhappy marriage I know of is one where neither party appeared to be settling. Seems to me the key is not to be resentful of it.

I've definitely observed people just playing the lights off at the party game once they hit the age they feel like they should settle down, with much less thought gone into it, but that was more when they wanted a kid. Most of them haven't got married and the relationships usually end.

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 08/05/2019 10:53

UnderTheSeaWithMe, I am married albeit unhappily. Ha! I don’t think he’s attracted to me. He’s a very good, moral person. Even if he were attracted to me he would never do anything about it.

OP posts:
RussianSpamBot · 08/05/2019 11:02

Does he know you're unhappily married OP?

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 08/05/2019 11:41

Yes, he knows.

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 08/05/2019 11:43

Settling isn't accepting that a person is flawed, not perfect, not the Hollywood image of romance

Settling is when you think 'might as well,' know you're not in love, feel you can do better, don't really like them perhaps but think it's better for the kids or just to have some companionship

FigaroSiFigaroLa · 08/05/2019 11:55

Tying yourself to somebody you don’t like has disaster written all over it. If that is what you call settling, then it is a very bad idea.

One doesn’t have to be madly in love to marry successfully, but you must be a very good fit, at ease with each other, like each other a lot and be best friends (and be very compatible sexually). These relationship qualities have a much better prospect of longevity and happy life than blind passion.

Loopytiles · 08/05/2019 12:00

It just sounds like you have poor boundaries with this male friend, discussing your relationships etc.

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 08/05/2019 13:59

Do you think Loopytiles? I thought it was good to share thoughts and problems with friends. A problem shared and all that!

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 08/05/2019 14:01

Nope. No settling here.

Test ran a fair few before I met the present MrMMMII. Fell for him hook, line and sinker.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/05/2019 14:05

If you're aiming for perfection, accepting anyone less than that will always be "settling"

There's a difference between perfect and perfect for me I think

I am married albeit unhappily. Ha! I don’t think he’s attracted to me. He’s a very good, moral person. Even if he were attracted to me he would never do anything about it.

That's really sad, are you going to do something about it? That really does sound like settling :(

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 08/05/2019 14:06

are you going to do something about it? How do you mean Arya?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/05/2019 14:12

How do you mean Arya?

I mean are you going to stay in an unhappy marriage or do you think you will leave/try to work on it?

mummyofdaughters · 08/05/2019 14:14

No settling here. We both think we're punching!

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 08/05/2019 14:15

Oh I see. I don’t know. I think I’m probably just having a mid life crisis and being ridiculous. I have children so need to try a bit harder I suspect.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/05/2019 14:17

Oh I see. I don’t know. I think I’m probably just having a mid life crisis and being ridiculous. I have children so need to try a bit harder I suspect.

You should do something anyway, feeling that way must be soul destroying. It's no wonder what your friend said struck a chord with you

Rain0ntheW1nd0w · 08/05/2019 14:33

What about arranged marriages ?
What about young women that are forced due to circumstances to marry young ?
What about shot gun weddings ?
Other cultures, have other rules

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 14:39

It depends what you mean by "settle".

I think a hell of a lot of people, possibly even a majority, have marriages that are really about convenience. They are a financial partnership and a practical partnership when it comes to child-rearing (often in quite an unequal way) but they aren't close and are definitely not soulmates. A lot of their lives are filled by materialistic choices that are made with reference to what other people think rather than their own values. Given half a choice, they'd rather hang out with separate friendship groups, doing very, very different activities. They can also behave like totally different people together and out with friends.

Is that 'settling'? Or it is just a different definition of marriage from one that says you are unbelievably close as people, partners in most of the things you do, and live very intertwined lives by choice?

Loopytiles · 08/05/2019 14:55

Not good IMO to share your relationship problems with male friends. Poor boundaries. Disrespectful to your H too.

SmarmyMrMime · 08/05/2019 15:08

There's a difference in settling with someone long term where you mature and go through life together. It's normal for family life to change the initial "romantic" chemistry, or just the toll of growing older.

Then there's settling "for" someone because they tick an outcome; marriage/ babies/ better than a previous partner. They've been chosen because they are a means to an end, not because of their personal attributes. Those relationships are more likely to fail as people mature (or not!) in different directions and there is a greater chance of affairs if someone else meets their needs.

I've settled with DH. All those years ago, we felt that we could have adventures and grow old together. The DCs are of an age that makes life much more mundane and practical than it was nearly 20 years ago, and we are more about a family than as a couple because it's difficult to get quality couple time, but we still love each other in a deep, not-so-romantic way, and we still enjoy eachother's company, old jokes, poor housekeeping and all.

botanics · 08/05/2019 15:14

I met DH at university. No previous boyfriends - have never been with anyone else. We married after being together nearly 10 years. I’ve been with him for over half my life. Looking back now (in my 40s) I do wonder if I settled. I didn’t think anyone else was ever likely to ask me to marry them so it didn’t occur to me to say no. I think he probably loves me more than I love him. I do sometimes wonder ‘what if?’....We have two children and I wouldn’t consider leaving him, but I find myself wishing I’d had a bit more experience of relationships.

motheroftwoboys · 08/05/2019 15:48

I fell truly, madly, deeply in love with my now husband many years ago when we were both involved with other people. We have been through some extremely bad periods but we have been married nearly 30 years and I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. Are we still "in love" No, not really. But we love each other. I don't think every relationship starts off with the madness/love/lust that we had at the beginning but the most important bit of marriage is what they original feeling changes into with time.

jackparlabane · 08/05/2019 16:24

One of the few good bits of advice I got on relationships was "pick a man whose faults you can live with. Because they've all got them and they aren't going to change."

So while DH's lack of timekeeping etc drive me mad, and I drive him mad with untidiness, we loved each other dearly when we moved in together and still do, 3 kids and 20 years later.