Friend badgering for money after I've just almost died. CF or am I being emotional?

[Februaryblooms]

I probably sound dramatic, I'm quite upset.

I came out of hospital yesterday after falling ill after childbirth. For context i contracted maternal sepsis from group A strep infection, i had a 1500 postpartum haemorrhage and was in for 9 days in total having transfusions, fluids and IV antibiotics. Newborn DD went through invasive testing and precautionary treatment before finally being given the all clear. For a time, DP thought he was going to lose us both.

It was extremely frightening, however me and DD are lucky to be home as of yesterday and im thankfully the slow road to recovery. I'm still very weak, anemic and quite traumatised as can be expected.

A friend who has been kept in the loop and knew how much I'm struggling has messaged me tonight asking me to lend them money. AIBU to be outraged that they'd even consider it given what I'm going through at the moment. They know about it all, including how traumatised/anxious i am now. I confided in then as much.

Am I being overly sensitive or is this absolutely shit behaviour?

and I know some adults have to if anything unexpected they just don't have the money - but this woman has spent £150 on a microwave! That is some microwave... She isn't juggling her last few pounds week to week just scraping by.

My first thought was that one message, even if incredibly poorly timed, isn't badgering. And, given that you are already home, I wouldn't think it's "absolutely shit behaviour". I think you are being a tad unreasonable there.
You could just say no.

But, considering the background, she seems more of a user than a good friend. Not sure why you consider her a friend or confide in her.
I wouldn't keep a "friend" like this, even if I don't think her behaviour is as bad as you do.

When someone who almost died and almost lost their baby gets home from hosp still very unwell and the 1st thing you think of doing is try to tap them for money but its only "poor timimg"?

Op is home only because she doesnt need constant medical attention anymore. She isnt miraculously 'better' that will take weeks. Why on earth would a friend be doing anything other than offering help, not asking her to do stuff for them?

It doesn't matter what she is asking its just selfish to the bone.

@Curiousaboutsamphire

Nice selective quoting there, given that my VERY NEXT LINE after the one you quoted was was “She shouldn’t HAVE to.”

So no, me saying that she “can” isn’t me saying she “should”. Absolutely explicitly, given it’s my very next line

I’d have ditched this friend long ago. The OP chose not to. How difficult it is to transfer money IS relevant, IMO.

1. Friend who regularly borrows money and pays it back and you’ve seemed happy to lend, messages you to ask you to do a very easy and quick transfer. You’re very ill, but you are now over the worst and you’ve been text chatting about cocktails even when in hospital. To me = not a big ask, and timing isn’t great but not horrendous

1. Friend who you have previously said please stop asking for money, doesn’t speak to you at all since baby born when you’re ill, texts on your first day out and asks for £20 knowing you have to walk to ATM for it = outrageous

It’s up to OP to decide what’s too big an ask. I don’t think that one incident is worth ending a friendship over, I don’t think it’s that bad. I see that I’m in the minority - but it’s not a minority of one. OP is free to discount my view. I do (and have repeatedly said!) that based on all the other info - OP should ditch this woman!

It is all about timing. I can't imagine anyone I know would be texting on something so me me me after their friend and baby has been through a horrendous time. What on earth would trigger her request given the OPs circumstances. She must be stupid, grabby, and totally and utterly uncaring. And it's not someone I would want round me.

She has text me again this morning, just saying "good morning :)"

I'm going to give her a wide birth for a while and concentrate on what's important, the children and my recovery.

Absolutely agree that some people think just because I'm allowed home that I'm miraculously better. I did explain to her that this wasn't the case and I'm told ill be unwell for quite some time going forward.

Yes we are on SMP now so have had a big drop in household income.

Even before this, she has more money on a weekly basis than we do.

In general we can't be frivolous, don't eat out or get takeaways (she regularly does which is her prerogative) but to be entirely transparent about our funds I bought almost all of DD's clothes from charity shops, perfect condition of course.

She does know about our financial status as well as my current health condition. My problem is I'm too soft, coupled with the fact I don't have many friends so tend to be a people pleaser because I don't want to be left with nobody.

It's a bit pathetic really but I'm going to implement some strong boundaries in moving forward.

Well done. Keep strong, and concentrate on you and your baby.

I've just gotten another text from her, this time through sms and not WhatsApp which she usually messages on

This one says "are you ok"

Without wanting to sound infantile I'm not going to bother responding. Ideally she would reassess the fact she asked me for money last night and realise it's not fair.

Entirely up to you op, but I wonder if just blanking her, is going to cause you more stress?

Maybe just a text of... no, not really, I'm going to concentrate on testing and baby for a while, so I'll let when I'm up to it. Take care x

really should proof read

I'd probably answer that one. Just with a "really not great at the moment, not up to chat, I'll be in touch when I'm back on my feet"

That's IF you want to keep the relationship in a modified way, with no more loans.

If you don't want to keep the friendship, ignore.

Cos ignoring is going to cause a bit of drama which is fine if you're prepared to block and move on, but if not, it's easier to just give her the above response and then you can go radio silence without any drama (hopefully) and pick it up again when you're ready to let her back into your life again.

Normally "block her!" sounds extreme, but maybe it would be no harm to block her messages for a few days? You don't need the anxiety, even if it is just low level, of a "ping!" every couple of hours from her nagging you to give her cash/reassure her that her behaviour is completely okay.

I'm sorry you've had such a dreadful time of it - have you got a health visitor keeping an eye on you? How is your baby doing?

I would txt back
"Of course i am not ok. I am still very ill, utterly exhausted, and have had a terrifying, traumatic experience. I also have a new baby to look after. I am nowhere near 'ok'."

Sounds like she needs things spelled out for her.

Health visitor is due to come on the 10th I think, I can't remember to be exact as my brain is like mush at the mo

I know her well as our DS is only 16 months so we had her not long ago, she's lovely and I'm sure she'll be a good source of support.

Good points raised about responding. I'll send a brief reply saying no not very well need to rest right now, then leave it at that.

I don't really want any drama which will probably come if I continue to ghost her without explanation

It's not infantile to manage your boundaries.

Don't respond if you don't want to. Do nothing that feels like effort. If that means blocking her, then do it.

(I'd probably quite enjoy watching her realise what an arsehole she is. the selfish prick)

Also baby is doing brilliantly she's such a peaceful little girl, I feel very lucky to have such a content baby.. not sure how I'd weather with another screamer this time around, DS was relentless bless him.

YANBU. Your first instincts were correct.It is extremely shitty, self centred and insensitive behaviour. Don't bother to respond.

This one says "are you ok"

I'd be tempted to reply "I'm just out of hospital following a life-threatening illness and have a tiny baby to look after. What do you think?"

But I guess something like "No, doctors say it's going to be a long haul" might be more tactful.

Yes I agree that the best way forward now to minimise stress for YOU is to reply. Very coolly. She knows she's pissed you off and has acted really badly and that's a very good lesson for her by the sound of it!

'Not very well no, lots of rest needed, thanks for asking'

If you wanted to make a very clear point you could reply on whatsapp, thus making it clear that you have seen her previous messages but have chosen to completely blank them.

Good luck with your recovery x

I'd be at a loss what to reply TBH. She knows she's fucked up. I hope her feelings now are more 'oh shit, how could I have done that, asking for £20 with all February has been through, I am so stupid'
and not
'I wonder how long before I can ask for the £20, perhaps if I ask how she is, I can ask again'

I would respond eventually there's no need to rush. Then just let her know that it will be a while before you're better and you need lots of rest. If she asks for money after that then you probably should block her as she is no friend.

Well now she is badgering you.
As pp have suggested reply that no you are far from okay .
I hope she has the decency to be embarrassed.

I'd speak to her directly about it. Explain you were really unwell and feeling terrible, and the text asking for money upset you. But I can understand not wanting any future problems so just saying you don't feel well. I just think she needs to understand how upsetting it was to you.

In a way, possibly at this point the less said the better.

I don't get why she's asking for £20 when she spends £150 on a microwave. Does she literally not have £20?

I don't think she does realise or has any comprehension that there's something wrong. I'd definitely reply saying something like; not a good time right now, I'll be in touch when Im able to talk as she obviously doesn't see asking for money as a negative or bad thing but just as a standard part of your relationship (just like: hi, how are you). If you don't tell her you're pissed, she probably won't even realise.

Like others have said, I'd reply to the how are you text and ignore the money one. If she then asks again for money I think it will tell you what you need to know....