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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend badgering for money after I've just almost died. CF or am I being emotional?

227 replies

Februaryblooms · 07/05/2019 21:50

I probably sound dramatic, I'm quite upset.

I came out of hospital yesterday after falling ill after childbirth. For context i contracted maternal sepsis from group A strep infection, i had a 1500 postpartum haemorrhage and was in for 9 days in total having transfusions, fluids and IV antibiotics. Newborn DD went through invasive testing and precautionary treatment before finally being given the all clear. For a time, DP thought he was going to lose us both.

It was extremely frightening, however me and DD are lucky to be home as of yesterday and im thankfully the slow road to recovery. I'm still very weak, anemic and quite traumatised as can be expected.

A friend who has been kept in the loop and knew how much I'm struggling has messaged me tonight asking me to lend them money. AIBU to be outraged that they'd even consider it given what I'm going through at the moment. They know about it all, including how traumatised/anxious i am now. I confided in then as much.

Am I being overly sensitive or is this absolutely shit behaviour? Sad

OP posts:
fedup21 · 08/05/2019 07:04

You’re not her friend, you’re her overdraft.

That’s just horrible. I don’t think I’d even bother replying-ever.

OliviaBenson · 08/05/2019 07:07

Don't reply to her but if she asks again in the future you need to put a stop to this now. Say that you aren't in a position to lend her money going forwards and can she please stop asking.

Get well soon op.

bagpiss · 08/05/2019 07:07

I don't think she sent the second because she was aware she'd been rude.
I think it was a kind of 'blind siding' technique because you'd not replied to her request for money, so it was a 'reminder' to draw your attention to the fact that she'd texted you previously and you hadn't replied and that she wants money .

DocusDiplo · 08/05/2019 07:47

She just wasn't thinking , its not malicious. No need to give this headspace. If this happened me to me I would text something like "Sorry too unwell to do online banking" or just transfer the money. Not worth losing a friendship over - she will have learnt a lesson, its just a mistake.

Bodear · 08/05/2019 07:59

@BlueJag and @willow2017
No I wasn’t joking or being goady. As many other posters have said, it would have taken less than 30 seconds to do if OP had felt inclined (certainly much less time than writing this thread). It’s not that the OP couldn’t lend the money it’s that she doesn’t want to (which is absolutely fair enough). The friend has been engaging with her about her illness (OP said she spoke about her worries to the friend).
It’s not the best move the friend has made granted, but it’s not that awful.

NotStayingIn · 08/05/2019 08:03

For me this would be the final straw. I would keep it friendly and say as a pp suggested: since the baby’s arrival you are no longer able to lend money. Honesty might be better but if I were you I couldn’t be bothered with any drama right now. Longer term you will soon see if the friendship is real once the loans stop. Flowers

nrpmum · 08/05/2019 08:08

@Februaryblooms you have helped her out enough. Time for you to concentrate on your health, and that of your baby. Do not feel guilty. If you have to respond anything simply tell her you are sorry but she will have to make other arrangements.

Take care of yourself Flowers

NotStayingIn · 08/05/2019 08:10

I honestly can’t believe some people on here. Your friend is horrendously ill and just had a baby but you think it’s fine to tap her up for a loan? And that’s fine ‘because she always lends you money and it would only take a sec.’ What the actual fuck is wrong with you guys. Is it really that hard to get your head round the fact that you don’t ask a favour of someone who has literally just come out of hospital?

calpop · 08/05/2019 08:15

so a weak, ill, exhausted new mother is supposed to use up 10/25 mins of precious rest time while the baby is asleep finding her phone, probably having to charge it if she's just got back from hospital, logging on to internet banking, at 10 pm, to transfer some CF, who is not in any dire straits, 20 quid? fuck that. I cant believe a few people think thats reasonable. You must be the CF friend or just like her.

User199999999o9o999 · 08/05/2019 08:17

This sounds like your final straw, certainly with lending money from your updates.

Be kind to yourself now, send her a message back just 'No, I'm poorly, resting up now with baby.' Then take some time to heal and rest up maybe temp block so you can go without texting conversations. If you miss her after a while then think about contacting with firm (no money lending) boundries if you feel relieved then leave the friendship behind.

Enjoy your newborn Flowers

OliviaBenson · 08/05/2019 08:17

The thing is, the very fact she asked you for money after getting home shows an unhealthy reliance on you for financial support.

She's using you to prop up her finances and in a way you have been enabling her. Time to put a stop to it. She needs to sort her own shit out and you need to concentrate on you and your family now.

SoppingWetMayDay · 08/05/2019 08:22

NotStayingIn - I'm puzzled that some posters seem to think it's not a big deal because the OP's friend wasn't being malicious. Most people's standards when it comes to friendships are a little higher than "will take anything short of actual malice directed at me" .

diddl · 08/05/2019 08:24

I get where Ellisandra & others are coming from tbh.

I think that this just highlights that she has never really been a good friend, or indeed much of a friend at all.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 08/05/2019 08:26

I couldn't not reply to her, and it would not be polite either

Willow2017 · 08/05/2019 08:34

Most people's standards when it comes to friendships are a little higher than "will take anything short of actual malice directed at me"

Exactly. Op isnt out of hospital because she has had a miraculous immediate recovery. She is still unwell and will take a long time to recover but some people think texting her late pm asking her to faff around transferring money to them is ok?

"Yeah I know you are exhausted and fell like crap but hey I want so i get." is ok? Really?
It's completely selfish and entitled and ignoring ops horrendous experience in favour of thier own inability to sort themselves out and just expect her to do it for them despite her circumstances. Unbelievable!

INeedAFlerken · 08/05/2019 08:38

You've just discovered how precious and tenuous life can be. You almost lost yours. Your baby almost lost his/hers.

I would reassess and think long and hard about who you're wasting your time on ... you don't need 'friends' like this sucking up your valuable time and attention. And sucking you dry for money.

I'd take a huge step back.

Congratulations on your new baby. I hope you heal quickly and have a lovely time watching him grow.

ScrewyMcScrewup · 08/05/2019 08:39

It’s not the best move the friend has made granted, but it’s not that awful.

I agree, also not getting the outrage on this thread. She really doesn't sound that bad.

billybagpuss · 08/05/2019 08:43

Tell DH, let him tell her to ‘fuck right off’ it will sound better than coming from a pi and probably put things in perspective for a bit.

Ignore ignore ignore it will also wind her up

I take it the £20 was to buy you flowers.

Feel better soon and glad you home 💐

pepperpot99 · 08/05/2019 08:44

No - she really does sound that bad. her friend has just been on the verge of death and she is tapping her for cash. Totally bastardish, selfish cunty behaviour.

gamerchick · 08/05/2019 08:47

I'm a HUGE soft touch, absolutely, and she exploits that

Then this is the perfect time to change that. These types of parasites don't change and until you say no, shell just keep asking. I have one friend like that, it was the only thing that irritated me about her. One day I said no and kept saying no each time she asked. She doesn't ask any more and our friendship survived just fine. It's not the lending thats as irritating as the constant asking. Knowing they've got in touch and you're just waiting for them to ask that favour.

You'll be doing her a favour by cutting it off.

gamerchick · 08/05/2019 08:48

Hope you're feeling better soon Flowers

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/05/2019 08:48

Christ this is depressing!

Some posters honestly think that a text asking a woman fresh out of hospital for anything is acceptable? She really doesn't sound that bad is fucking awful! Such low expectations of life are so very fucking sad!

At the very best OP now knows her long term friend is selfish, blinkered and has little or no empathy. She can now choose what to do with that information. I would hope that having had a 'near miss' OP chooses to chop out all the things that drain her life needlessly, starting with this woman.

OP sod her! Of she can't think outside herself for a few days then you need not have any hesitation just ending your friendship. Just tell her that her lack of thought, her selfishness, has hurt you and made you reassess your friendship. She will be getting no money and should keep her distance... don't call me, I'll call you etc. And then block her!

Flowers for you and DD

Tinkobell · 08/05/2019 08:48

Not read all posts. I would say that £150 is a lot to spend on a microwave. Mine cost £60. She doesn't sound like a person on the breadline to spend that much on a microwave - but she does sound like a spending addict who is feathering her nest and risks losing her mates. I would text and say her spending is out of control. You won't be lending ever again - her sense of timing and insensitivity is speechless. Tell her to seek counselling or CAB support for her spending addiction.

Tinkobell · 08/05/2019 08:50

....then do block her. I'm afraid with some people, it is the only way.

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 08:50

BOUNDARIES! NOW!!

"No, you cannot borrow money from me right now. I'm a bit shocked that you would ask, knowing that I am currently still very unwell".

If you stop lending to this woman you will quickly learn whether she really cares about you, or just your wallet.