Friend badgering for money after I've just almost died. CF or am I being emotional?

[Februaryblooms]

I probably sound dramatic, I'm quite upset.

I came out of hospital yesterday after falling ill after childbirth. For context i contracted maternal sepsis from group A strep infection, i had a 1500 postpartum haemorrhage and was in for 9 days in total having transfusions, fluids and IV antibiotics. Newborn DD went through invasive testing and precautionary treatment before finally being given the all clear. For a time, DP thought he was going to lose us both.

It was extremely frightening, however me and DD are lucky to be home as of yesterday and im thankfully the slow road to recovery. I'm still very weak, anemic and quite traumatised as can be expected.

A friend who has been kept in the loop and knew how much I'm struggling has messaged me tonight asking me to lend them money. AIBU to be outraged that they'd even consider it given what I'm going through at the moment. They know about it all, including how traumatised/anxious i am now. I confided in then as much.

Am I being overly sensitive or is this absolutely shit behaviour?

I don’t think it’s that big a deal. If you don’t want to lend her the money don’t but there’s no need to vilify the woman. If you don’t like her (and it really sounds like you don’t) just move on from the friendship. If you do like her then maybe you’re being a tiny bit OTT in your response.

Oh ffs really?
Op nearly died and both her and baby are only just home aftte8a horrendous time. Op is still ill and all her friend can say is give me your money? You are being goady.

Her friends first txt should have been something like
"So glad you are both home safe. I have made a few meals for freezer to save you both the effort i am sure you are both exhausted. Can I leave them on the step? (Maybe along with a bag of essentials shopping and some flowers?) If you need anything at all just let me know." "When you are feeling much better we can arrange a visit to see you and lo."

Not holding out her grubby mitts for £. Isn't that what friends do?

Hope your recovery is swift and sure op. Congrats on your baby. for you all.

I'm surprised at the level of anger on this thread.

Yes asking for £20 at the moment in time was absolutely an oblivious and odd thing to do. But I really think thats it. She's probably just a bit thick and thoughtless, I doubt it's maliciously meant. I don't think you can read in that she doesn't care about OP at all.

OP, haven't you ever picked a bad moment? Been a bit oblivious or self centred? Forgot what was going on in someone else's life for one moment?

Just text back 'this really isn't a good time.' If she has any sense at all it will snap her back into reality and she'll be embarrassed and apologise for bothering you.

There's no need to vilify her or never speak to her again. I think that's a massive overreaction to one thoughtless text.

And fair enough if you stop lending her money. Personally I don't lend money to friends as a rule.

Also meant to ask- what constitutes 'badgering' in this instance? It sounds like she sent you one text message. I don't think that's badgering you, especially given that you've lent her small amounts money with no problem in the past.

You must feel so depleted OP. I don't think you should devote anymore headspace to this. Focus on your recovery and your new baby.

When you feel well in yourself again, revisit your friend's behaviour and see how you feel about them.

Thing is you've set a precedent by previous lending, so her knee jerk reaction when skint is going to you. I'd think you're purely a useful bank to her tbh & ignore:& distance myself in future. Money & friends is a bad mix.

Your friend is a clod and you have enabled this unfortunately by acting as her no-fees ATM. Transferring money might be easy, but aren't you incurring fees for this, part of your banking deal?

Re-think what you need out of this:

1. Best not to lend at all.

1. Tell her you can't lend right now (ever)

1. If you must, tell her to call round and hand over the fiver at the door. Don't invite her in. She won't come again, she wants the ease of access to your bank account.

Look after yourself.

Congratulations on your baby OP

Tell your friend to get to fuck.

Repulsive. Just utterly repulsive. I'd start with the silent treatment and then continue it with a massive 100 percent wall of total silence for the rest of my life. That bitch would be excised from my life like a suspicious mole.

Don’t respond. That’s absolutely terrible form from her.

I think you are over reacting. It sounds like you’ve been chatting and she’s been supportive whilst you’ve been in hospital and as a PP said, it takes about 10 seconds to Chuck a mate £20 who’s skint. You’ve had the energy to argue the toss with people here so you could easily have done it.
I realise you’ve been and continue to be unwell and for you those feelings are all encompassing..but life carries on around you for others.
So, whilst I think you’re within your rights to say no and she may be a little thoughtless, the level of vitriol towards her from pposters is way ott.

In fact now would be a good time to put a stop to lending money - tell her with new baby's arrival you won't be in a position to lend money again. And don't engage further about it.
Absolutely what Drum said ^^. I'm afraid I'd also block her at least temporarily - she is being thoughtless and highly insensitive and you can do without people like this in your life at this time.

Glad your DD is OK and that you are home and on the road to recovery. Treat yourself gently (that also means staying away from communicating with people you are not 100% pleased to hear from or see) and enjoy your new baby with your partner. Congratulations!🌹

I would either ignore and go on ignoring but to be that takes a lot of head space, it only worth doing if you share lots of mutual friends you don't want to have to explain things to. Or block.

I would go for block to me it's not friendship! The only way I would consider staying in touch would be if my friend were in such dire circumstances they had no choice but to ask me and no one left to turn to. That doesn't seem the case with your friend so she isn't really a friend, get rid and focus on yourself op. Hope you feel better soon

Insensitive behaviour- it sounds as if your friend defaults to her own needs and feelings quite quickly. I wonder if, as a PP suggested, she assumed, without careful thought, that things were reverting to ‘normal’.
Your priority is to look after yourself so do whatever helps the most with that. There is lots of advice here about deleting, ignoring, blocking, swearing etc but could that sort of response make YOU feel worse emotionally? (Would that be your usual type of response to friendship issues?)
What about a straightforward text back ‘Sorry I cant lend you money. Would you mind not asking again?’ Then don’t engage in the subject of money again, but leave it till later to decide whether she’s an unsupportive friend overall. Hope you’re ok and recovering.

Ignore the text. Horrible and thoughtless of them. I remember your earlier thread from the hospital and am glad to hear you're doing better and are home safe with the baby now. You must be so relieved!

Just relax and focus on your baby. Put your phone on silent mode and ignore unnecessary texts for as long as you can.

Glad you are better
Its totally feasible that just out of hosp you have no time to respond so I would ignore.
Don't get into a fight with her. You have been through enough.
If she asks again or brings it up just claim you didnt notice it the message and no, to the money.
Unless she is very important I would block her and distance myself

She's a friend and you have said she pays back the money. I'd pay it and preserve the friendship.

Ignore her, do not lend money to her.

Ignore , you literally have more important things going on.
She's an 'asker' her number one priority is herself , her ethos is if you don't ask you don't get . I'm learning now that these people don't expect you to say yes , they just shrug it off .

At best she is insensitive and self centred, at worst a user who’s trying to get money out of you at your lowest point. In any case, not much of a friend. Why not tell your DP and let him put her straight? Save your time and energy for yourself and your little one. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Appreciate the perspectives and thank you

Unfortunately it's not the first time she's asked at a bad time or been insensitive, my reaction (here) is compounded by that fact. In the past when I've had alot going on I've responded and said its not good timing she's said ok sorry didn't think and then not asked again for a week or so.

So it's not as if she mustn't have at least a degree of awareness. I don't know.

I don't think there was any malice in it, not by a long shot, but it's the sort of insensitivity I can't be doing with at the moment

She's not a friend, ditch her. Anybody who thinks their needs come above you and your baby right now are just c*nts. Even if you hadn't just been through a near death experience I can't imagine anyone asking a new mum for money?! Surely if anyone needs money right now it should be you! Not someone you should actively keep in your life.

Sounds like she is very self centered and focuses so much on her own needs it simply wouldn't cross her mind that now might not be a good time to ask you.

Wishing you well in your recovery

@Februaryblooms hi OP, it took weeks. Sepsis is a massive thing for a body to handle and recover from even under normal circumstances. And being up every 2 hours feeding/changing/caring for a newborn isn't normal Be kind and gentle on yourself and ignore this CF friend x

Also the fact she quickly changed the subject from money to showing interest about the kids says a bit about the fact she's aware she wasn't being very nice.

If she was in a genuine crisis I would help her in an instant regardless of what's going on with me on my end, so it's not as though I'm a bad friend or selfish myself, part of the problem is she just can't be arsed to budget and wants to treat herself constantly but she does so in the knowledge that come the following week she's going to be skint and knows (in her mind) that it's ok to over spend on X Y & Z because Februaryblooms can always help out again.

I feel it's CF in general to get comfortable like that (yes I know I've allowed it to happen) but despite that, morally, if somebody is going through something frightening then you just don't uphold the same level of expectation, or shouldn't.

I guess I'm judging her by the standards that most people uphold, you just don't ask for money at times like that and if she's aware enough to know she's being insensitive (quickly backtracking to talk about the kids) then she's definitely aware enough to know not to bother asking at the moment

I'm a HUGE soft touch, absolutely, and she exploits that.

Tell her to go to a bank and block

My uncle did this to my Dad, he was a week out of hospital after suffering a stroke and was desperately worried about finances because he had to stop work suddenly. My uncle text him asking to borrow money! I was livid with him, I only found out because my dad called me and asked if I could lend him the money and my dad would pay me back when he could! I told him I would sort it, called my uncle and told him what an insensitive twat he was and didn’t lend him a thing. He couldn’t understand why I was so upset with him, no self awareness. 👎🏻