Friend badgering for money after I've just almost died. CF or am I being emotional?

[Februaryblooms]

I probably sound dramatic, I'm quite upset.

I came out of hospital yesterday after falling ill after childbirth. For context i contracted maternal sepsis from group A strep infection, i had a 1500 postpartum haemorrhage and was in for 9 days in total having transfusions, fluids and IV antibiotics. Newborn DD went through invasive testing and precautionary treatment before finally being given the all clear. For a time, DP thought he was going to lose us both.

It was extremely frightening, however me and DD are lucky to be home as of yesterday and im thankfully the slow road to recovery. I'm still very weak, anemic and quite traumatised as can be expected.

A friend who has been kept in the loop and knew how much I'm struggling has messaged me tonight asking me to lend them money. AIBU to be outraged that they'd even consider it given what I'm going through at the moment. They know about it all, including how traumatised/anxious i am now. I confided in then as much.

Am I being overly sensitive or is this absolutely shit behaviour?

She's NOT a friend. Get rid!

Hope you feel better soon

And for context. REAL friends don't ask to borrow money. EVER!

@calpop why does the OP have to use up 10/25 minutes of “previous time” finding and charging her phone? That’s just nonsense. OP had the £20 request as she had the phone in her hand.

On my phone, that means:

• flick up to go to home screen
• click one button for online banking
• look at my phone to unlock banking with Face ID
• click my account
• click pay
• type £20
• select friend name (OP has transferred to her before)
• click OK

I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that’s less that 10 seconds.

Different accounts, different phones... but I’m sure my 10 second estimate is closer than your 25 minutes

I said before I personally wouldn’t be this woman’s overdraft. And with all OP’s subsequent posts, I’d cut her loose.

The OP’s annoyance is a build up of many incidences which weren’t (and stop aren’t) all known to us responding.

This wasn’t the very first message the woman had sent, they’d been swapping messages whilst in hospital too. As far as the friend is concerned, OP has been happy* to receive idle chat about cocktails whilst recovering in hospital. The friend probably thinks she was staying in touch she stop friend get too bored during the treatment with that!

*obviously we know the OP wasn’t happy about the cocktails chat, but the friend doesn’t!!

When my friend was in following PPH, she was very ill but she wanted inane chatter from her friends, and told us as much “keep it coming ladies, I’m bored and too unwell to process a proper book”.

I agree that it’s time for OP to lose this person, but in the context of their relationship, the texting whilst she was in hospital and the limited amount of effort the request worked take - I think they previously had a friendship where this was OK behaviour.

And no, @rosablue I am not the friend

Why isn't this worth losing a friendship over?

What Is worth it? How badly do you need to be treated?

I would not reply to that or any further messages, look after yourself OP - you don't need friends like that

do you think now that you are discharged she thinks you are magically better, back to health and normality and that you are ok to return to bailing her out?
people do not realise that, when you are discharged from hospital it is not because you are better, it is that you are stable enough to recuperate at home.
good luck with your recovery and new baby, enjoy and don’t overdo it, you will be physically and mentally exhausted so take it steady and just send her a text back saying no.
in time only you can work out if the friendship is worth it.

Firstly thank goodness you came out of your dreadful ordeal .Sepsis is a terrible illness, especially when you have a baby to look after as well.You will feel very weak and need time to recover. (Took me several months, when I had Sepsis and I didnt have a little one! ).Do you lend money to your friend regularly ?,If so she may be desperate and didnt think it through?.Maybe dont want to fall out with a good friend (Timing is appalling though).Perhaps in future try not to lend money if you can .

You can get a microwave for £20. Why is she borrowing money and buying overpriced stuff? If you are so skint you need to ask a seriously ill friend for £20 then you should be buying nothing but the basics until you are in a better position (and actually a microwave is not an essential). I would not contact her again personally.

I am amazed at the posters saying 'it isn't that bad'. Yes it is!

So the friend wants to buy something, is a bit short, and thinks hell, I need £20 and I need it now. Oh dear, February has had a shit time and just had a baby and both her and baby have been really ill. What I'll do is ask her how she is before I ask for the twenty quid. That'll be OK.

Pathetic. Any normal nice friend would be making a cottage pie and dropping it off with a bunch of flowers not asking for money.

I have no idea whether I would cut this friend off for good. Only the OP can decide that. But I would be looking at her in a different light from now on. I would never lend her a penny again and I would probably ignore her messages for a while.

Sweet Jesus! Get some standards. I'd not have hesitated to block her in this setting.

In the past when I've had alot going on I've responded and said its not good timing she's said ok sorry didn't think and then not asked again for a week or so.
In the past when I've had alot going on I've responded and said its not good timing she's said ok sorry didn't think and then not asked again for a week or so

A week or so?

A week or so??

Exactly how often does this woman use you as her personal moneylender???

Some people are just self absorbed. I'd reply to the message spelling out how inappropriate it was, how you felt and that you don't expect it to happen again. The next move is hers then. If she apologises you can move on (if that's what you want). If she doesn't want then she isn't then she's no great loss.

OP So pleased to hear you and your new baby are on the mend.
You just concentrate on you for now,don't give your friend any head space.Take care

When my friends have been in hospital, I message them asking if there is anything I can do for them.

It's all about them not me. Friendship basics. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

I've never messaged asking them for a favour for me in such circumstances. I can't imagine how selfish a person would have to be. Certainly not a friend.

@Elisamdra are you a sleep deprived woman who has been very ill and just got home from hospital? get a grip.

Also maybe she doesnt have an iphone and maybe she uses 2 factor authentication for mobile banking, like anyonr with an understanding of cyber security would.

All irrelevant, the friend and anyone who thinks this was ok, is a CF.

@calpop no need for the grip thank you, I’m not the one who thinks it takes 25 minutes to do an online banking transfer, including phone finding timing when you read the text request ON YOUR PHONE. Perhaps you are sleep deprived yourself?

Look, I agree with you that I’d lose this “friend”. If this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for OP - then that’s a good thing. My back would have broken long before - the second time I was asked to lend money, probably!

But if OP is capable of multiple posts on this thread, she’s capable of transferring money online.

She shouldn’t HAVE to. And I absolutely get why she doesn’t WANT to. But in the context of everything she told us about this friendship, this incident wasn’t a mega pisstake by the friend. It’s the whole relationship that was the pisstake!

She's self centred and doesn't care about you or your friendship. It sounds as if you suspected this all along but now she has proven you right.

Ditch her and invest your energy into better people. Good luck with new baby, I hope you are feeling better

Really? Really? You think thats the important point here? It was actually supposed to say 10/15 minutes and no it wouldn't take me that long. But you don't know what phone the OP has, whether she is foolish enough to use facial recognition for mobile banking, what state it is in, what state she was in, or how technically literate she is. It takes my mother at least 15 minutes to do mobile banking as she has to check her login details as she can never remember them. She often has to reset them. Also, you are missing the point.

Are you and husband now on statutory maternity and paternity pay? Even more reason she’s being a total CF, your incomings have dropped and outgoings have increased and she thinks you can send her £20 that you will really need to use for your family. No, no and no again. In fact hit her up for £20!

But if OP is capable of multiple posts on this thread, she’s capable of transferring money online. Eurgh!

You do know that makes it sound as though you think that capable is a measure of responsibility, don't you. You CAN so you SHOULD!!

Nope! Don't think so!

Sorry, posted early.

It isn't what the OP COULD DO, it is the thoughtlessness of the friend, the selfishness behind the request. The lack of empathy, no second thought, the wholly self centredness of it!

I'd also consider that if you're always there to lend her something, she's being enabled to make poor financial decisions.

Saying no might be kinder in the long run.

But if OP is capable of multiple posts on this thread, she’s capable of transferring money online. The point is she doesn't bloody want too. She wants a friend who can get her head out of her own arse and think about her friend and her baby who have been seriously ill in hospital and find what she do to help her. Not go asking for more money because she can't budget properly.

sorry but what adults borrow "£20" here and there from a friend?
she's not 15...
v strange behaviour.

If she can't budget and can't wait and wants to constantly buy things before she has the money in surely she could just get a credit card ?!?