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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend badgering for money after I've just almost died. CF or am I being emotional?

227 replies

Februaryblooms · 07/05/2019 21:50

I probably sound dramatic, I'm quite upset.

I came out of hospital yesterday after falling ill after childbirth. For context i contracted maternal sepsis from group A strep infection, i had a 1500 postpartum haemorrhage and was in for 9 days in total having transfusions, fluids and IV antibiotics. Newborn DD went through invasive testing and precautionary treatment before finally being given the all clear. For a time, DP thought he was going to lose us both.

It was extremely frightening, however me and DD are lucky to be home as of yesterday and im thankfully the slow road to recovery. I'm still very weak, anemic and quite traumatised as can be expected.

A friend who has been kept in the loop and knew how much I'm struggling has messaged me tonight asking me to lend them money. AIBU to be outraged that they'd even consider it given what I'm going through at the moment. They know about it all, including how traumatised/anxious i am now. I confided in then as much.

Am I being overly sensitive or is this absolutely shit behaviour? Sad

OP posts:
SparrowBo · 07/05/2019 22:01

Awful behaviour.
This would be a real deal breaker for me.

Drum2018 · 07/05/2019 22:01

In fact now would be a good time to put a stop to lending money - tell her with new baby's arrival you won't be in a position to lend money again. And don't engage further about it.

BossyBanana · 07/05/2019 22:02

Don’t bother replying at all.

She doesn’t deserve the time it would take to respond.

heyd · 07/05/2019 22:02

I had a very similar experience (severe maternal sepsis) but dd also diagnosed with meningitis so I was an inpatient on labour ward and he was living in a parent room on special care baby unit... and a 'friend' (well intentioned) sent flowers to my home address... and then began to badger my poor DP into driving through 2 hour round journey from hospital to our home to get the flowers to bring in to me, leaving me and my newborn alone in separate wards on the hospital alone and unwell.

Of course he didn't. He made excuses.

I didn't say anything because I knew I couldn't be trusted to be semi reasonable, but it still makes my blood boil years later.

So no, YANBU

Mascarponeandwine · 07/05/2019 22:02

Glad you’re home I remember your other thread too.

Ignore the request and I’d recommend closing the bank of February permanently.

calpop · 07/05/2019 22:03

Dont reply. Its 10 oclock at night. Youre weak and still ill and you've got a newborn who will be needing a feed in the night. Any normal person would reasonably expect you to be asleep. Don't reply at all and if she mentions it tommorow say oh I wondered what that beep was that disturbed me, I was way too exhausted to look. I'd be outraged too.

heyd · 07/05/2019 22:03

Not clear sorry, DP was living in a parent room in scbu where our dd was having treatment

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/05/2019 22:03

Selfish CF. Not a friend. Doesn’t give one shit about what you’ve been through.

“You didn’t die? Great - can you lend me a tenner?”

Fuck that. Ditch her. Focus on your new babe. Congratulations by the way! Flowers

JaneEyre07 · 07/05/2019 22:03

That's not the behaviour of a friend. That's the behaviour of a user.

I'd let rip back.

At least you can blame your hormones. What can they blame?

stanski · 07/05/2019 22:06

Wouldn't even answer. That's no friend. Hope you get better soon!

endofthelinefinally · 07/05/2019 22:07

Not a friend.
Ignore. Permanently.

MyNewBearTotoro · 07/05/2019 22:07

Has she acknowledged and been there for you whilst you were in hospital? Has she ever been through anything similar? It is a bit cheeky but if she has usually been there for you I would think maybe she has just acted without thinking and hasn’t mean to offend or upset you.

It is really really hard when something traumatic happens, but even when you still very much feel in the midst of it for those around you life moves on. You are (reasonably) feeling traumatised but if your friend hasn’t even been through otherwise she may be ignorantly thinking now you’re home the difficult birth is all over. She may not realise that recovering from all that happened to you is about more than just getting over it physically but that there is the emotional side to it as well.

If your friend is feeling overwhelmed or stressed about money she may have been having a self-centred moment and reached out for a friend she knows has helped her in the past, she may have forgotten how tough things have been for you for a moment. If that’s a one off in a usually supportive/ caring friendship I’d forgive her. Obviously if it’s part of a wider pattern of her being self-centred/ uncaring then YANBU to be annoyed, but if she is generally a good friend I wouldn’t hold it against her. Especially if she’s never been through something like this in which case she probably just doesn’t get what recovery is like.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 07/05/2019 22:09

Thank you all for confirming my own thoughts. My emotions are skew whiff right now and every little thing is setting me off, I did for a minute think I sounded over dramatic.

I was tempted to send her the money and block her, making the point that it's only cost me X amount to be rid of somebody who isn't a genuine friend. I'm not going to do that of course, but I may just block anyway.

She's sent me another message saying give the kids a hug from her Hmm

@heyd very sorry to hear you've been through similar, I hope you're ok now? Going slightly off topic do you mind me asking how you felt when you went home and how long it took for you to recover? I'm housebound at the minute and feel absolutely terrible, I'm only one day into being home so think I'm being a bit hard on myself for not being up and about despite being allowed home.

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 07/05/2019 22:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Clutterbugsmum · 07/05/2019 22:09

Don't bother answering, your busy with your newborn and getting yourself better.

Just block if she sends anymore text's, facebook etc.

Cakemadeoffruit · 07/05/2019 22:10

YANBU. What you've been through, any friend should be running round looking after you. I think I would reply a bit arsey with 'No. Please don't ask me for money ever again'.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 07/05/2019 22:10

She probably thinks the crisis is over and everything is back to normal. She probably doesn't mean any harm. She's insensitive but I don't think one request (when this is usual in the latter of your friendship) counts as haranguing. I think she's just ignorant of the reality of your experience more than anything else.
I'd ignore it and hope she gets the hint. If not just reply that now isn't a good time.

Justaboy · 07/05/2019 22:11

Does she actually know what you've been through?, if not them maybe shes not that bright anyway its not the thing to ask a new mum or mum with new babal rather if she does then she should piss off to the farest side of fuck!

Galdding to see your all home:-)

ssd · 07/05/2019 22:12

Unreal, was she trying to catch you when your down?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 07/05/2019 22:12

I think the second text is because she's realised how she's come across.

PropagandaMachine · 07/05/2019 22:13

Insensitive and selfish. Ignore the message and calm relations with this awful “friend”.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 07/05/2019 22:14

Personally I think she lacks empathy in general

We've been in contact during my stay in hospital and since I've been home and I've been confiding in her about how I'm feeling.

She's not in financial crisis by the way just terrible with money. One week ago she spent over £150 on a microwave just because she wanted a new one with a fancy oven built in. That's none of my business, only mentioning it because it's relevant IE she doesn't budget.

OP posts:
needsahouseboy · 07/05/2019 22:15

Sorry to hear about your birth. This is no friend and it sounds like she is friends with you because you lend her money. I'd stop and tell her you will no longer be lending her money and that quite frankly asking for money during this stressful and scary time is disgraceful.

I had a traumatic birth and lost lots of blood in ITU etc and hospital for 2 weeks. It took me some months to feel fully better. I also developed PTSD and PND. I had EMDR for the PTSD which worked so much better than CBT. I would be very kind to yourself and please son't beat yourself up, its very difficult getting over a traumatic birth.

TheBigFatMermaid · 07/05/2019 22:16

I wonder if we have a mutual friend!!

I was in hospital with sepsis recently, and had to have an op to deal with the source (a stent in my ureter had blocked and moved). My friend knew this, but messaged me the morning of my op saying 'Sorry, you are ill, not really taken much notice as I had a terrible shock'. Turned out the 'terrible shock' was someone she vaguely knew had had a stroke! WTF!!

Justaboy · 07/05/2019 22:18

Perhaps when you do feel a bit better Feb then you ought to give her a crash course in money management sounds if shes direley in need of that most of all.

Understand the empathy got a mate who will do most anything for you etc but empathy?, totally lacking!

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