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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend badgering for money after I've just almost died. CF or am I being emotional?

227 replies

Februaryblooms · 07/05/2019 21:50

I probably sound dramatic, I'm quite upset.

I came out of hospital yesterday after falling ill after childbirth. For context i contracted maternal sepsis from group A strep infection, i had a 1500 postpartum haemorrhage and was in for 9 days in total having transfusions, fluids and IV antibiotics. Newborn DD went through invasive testing and precautionary treatment before finally being given the all clear. For a time, DP thought he was going to lose us both.

It was extremely frightening, however me and DD are lucky to be home as of yesterday and im thankfully the slow road to recovery. I'm still very weak, anemic and quite traumatised as can be expected.

A friend who has been kept in the loop and knew how much I'm struggling has messaged me tonight asking me to lend them money. AIBU to be outraged that they'd even consider it given what I'm going through at the moment. They know about it all, including how traumatised/anxious i am now. I confided in then as much.

Am I being overly sensitive or is this absolutely shit behaviour? Sad

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 07/05/2019 22:56

Op now that you’re home rest, rest, rest, rest, rest. Seriously, you need to lie in bed with your baby and do nothing until you feel a little spark of energy, and then do half what you feel you can. Convalescence is really really important with all you e been through.

AnotherEmma · 07/05/2019 22:59

She sounds like a twat, not just for this but in general. I would ignore and block.

Sorry you had such a difficult time. Glad you're home now. Hope you can get as much rest as possible considering!

Flowers
Kennehora · 07/05/2019 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/05/2019 23:02

Words are cheap. Her actions really reflect her priorities. Just how convenient a friend are you? If she is so focussed on her needs that she cannot see how inappropriate this is, she is not really a good friend, you are just her cashpoint. Isn't it about time she learned to budget?

Bodear · 07/05/2019 23:03

I don’t think it’s that big a deal. If you don’t want to lend her the money don’t but there’s no need to vilify the woman. If you don’t like her (and it really sounds like you don’t) just move on from the friendship. If you do like her then maybe you’re being a tiny bit OTT in your response.

rosablue · 07/05/2019 23:03

Does your friend ever read MN? I reckon that Ellisandra could be your friend - unanimous thread saying the 'friend' is a CF, then you get a message asking after your dc and a message on here saying that it's not a big ask... Hmm

If you'd 'just' had a baby with an easy labour and were dealing with a happy newborn, it would still be a big ask.

If you'd 'just' been ill with anything, no baby, it would be a big ask.

You have had a nightmare 10 days of birth, poorly baby, poorly you, worries about one or both of you surviving at all - it is a thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate and horrible massively big ask. (and I bet she thought that she was being considerate by waiting until you'd come out of hospital rather than doing it while you were in the hospital...)

If you'd given birth 30 ish years ago, you'd probably still have been in hospital for a week after your baby's very normal, uneventful birth (and 50 years ago you'd have had a normal stay of a couple of weeks at least). That you are at home after 9 days of an incredibly stressful birth and life-threatening illness, complete with poorly newborn is a sad reflection on the state of the economy that they find it cheaper to ship everybody out as soon as they possibly can and pay damages later on if there's a problem, rather than give you even a couple more days just to recover under knowing eyes. Instead you're thrown out and expected to just muddle on through, keeping your fingers crossed that you'll be ok...

... which I truly hope you are - I didn't see your earlier thread but it sounds like you have had a hellish time of it. It will be difficult but give yourself months to recover, rather than days. Flowers Flowers

Acis · 07/05/2019 23:09

You need to knock the loans on the head, and now is a good time to do it. She's never going to learn to be sensible with money if people like you keep bailing her out.

Frankly, if your DP is likely to tell her to fuck right off, I'd let him go ahead. She needs it driven home to her how bloody insensitive she's been.

Cherrysoup · 07/05/2019 23:11

Don’t wait for your dh to tell her to fuck off, do it yourself! I’m absolutely gobsmacked that she would ask for money when you’ve been out of hospital for a day. What an idiot!

BlueJag · 07/05/2019 23:12

I'm so sorry you've had such a terrible time hopefully you'll be feeling better soon. Take your time, rest if possible and eat the best you can. Don't be surprised if the shock hits you. You may need cuddles and a good cry. I'm just glad you both made it home safely.
As from your "friend" I'll be mortally offended. How dare she ask you for money when you were so unwell. Thoughtless and insensitive. For now ignore her and concentrate on your recovery.
Congratulations on your new baby girl.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/05/2019 23:13

this person is NOT a friend, she is USING you OP Flowers

BlueJag · 07/05/2019 23:16

@Bodear are you out of your mind????? The OP nearly died and the friend asked for £20??????? You most be joking or as insensitive as the so called friend. SadSadSad

ScottishDoll · 07/05/2019 23:28

IGNORE AND BLOCK!!!

Don't give that arsehole another penny, ever!

Just WOW!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/05/2019 23:30

Firstly, it sounds like you have been through an awful time, Flowers but good news that you are now at home and starting your recovery. I wish you both a speedy return to full health (one step at a time) and congratulations on your new baby.

I literally can't believe that she asked to borrow £20.. under any circumstances.. its just too small an amount for her to be genuinely in need so the request is gratuitous and frankly mad.
And at such a time. Its like she thinks you're her mum or her sister or something or she has no boundaries.
For a "friend" she shows very very little empathy. and this behaviour at such a time is upsetting.
I'd get DH to message her. The last thing you want is a concerned "I was just passing visit".

SleepWarrior · 07/05/2019 23:32

I'd reply something like:

"Ouch, that's pretty insensitive timing to be blagging £20. Funnily enough it's going to have to be a 'NO' from me..."

RightYesButNo · 07/05/2019 23:42

As for your “friend,” she’s a cheeky fucker and that’s that.

Now, as for you, since I saw you asked about recovery time from staph A sepsis, Lougle is 100% right about this, when you asked how long until you feel better:
You haven't been discharged from hospital because you are better. You have been discharged because you don't need round the clock medical care. There is a huge difference.

Sepsis is very, VERY tough on the body, as were the treatments you received. I once heard a doctor say, “Think of how long it takes to get over the flu, and then figure sepsis is like a bastard flu that tries to kill every part of you.” He was being (a little bit) lighthearted, but even a “mild” case of sepsis will take two-ish weeks until you feel normal, from what I’ve seen, and a severe case can take much longer. As I think you said you were only in hospital nine days (though I’m sure that felt like forever and was terrifying, sepsis cases can often be in hospital for weeks), you should hopefully be able to recover within a few weeks, and the more you rest, the more quickly you’ll recover. But NO, you will not feel okay on day 1. I’m very sorry Sad

Knowing what I know of sepsis makes your friend even more of a chancer for asking you for money. It seems to make it clear she sees you as the Bank of Februaryblooms.

I hope you feel better soon! Flowers

DuffBeer · 07/05/2019 23:55

I would definitely knock this friendship on the head but not before putting her straight.

Don't just ignore her - she needs to be told how unreasonable she's being

Erythronium · 07/05/2019 23:59

Can't believe anybody would try to claim this is no big deal. It's terrible. Treating a friend who has just got out of hospital after having nearly died giving birth to their new baby as a convenient bank is despicable behaviour.

However you do it OP, don't continue the friendship with her. Friends care about their friends' well-being, not how much money they can get out of them.

TapasForTwo · 08/05/2019 00:02

Goodness, what a traumatic time you have had. I hope you feel better soon Flowers

Ignore your "friend". She doesn't deserve a reply. She is just using you because you are a soft touch.

RuggerHug · 08/05/2019 00:12

'You know my illness isn't something I'm getting compensation for, I'm not suddenly rolling in cash to send you cuntychops?'

Or just block forever. Sorry you're dealing with this x

SavingSpaces2019 · 08/05/2019 00:23

Its the timing that has riled me, I literally can't get my head around how she could possibly think it's appropriate
She isn't considerate of your situation or needs - that's why she doesn't see anything wrong in her behaviour.

She's more than just 'thoughtless', she's selfish and manipulative.
She will happily splurge her money on what she wants knowing that you will keep lending her money whenever she asks for it -well that has been the pattern so far.
Yet again she put her own wants ahead of considering how it would impact you.
She doesn't think it's a big deal regularly asking you for money, probably because she thinks you've got it better than her in some way so 'it's only fair' Hmm

A decent friend would have put you first, asking after you, offering to help in any way now that you're home etc
She knows you now have a child to provide for yet still thinks you've got 'enough' to keep lending her.

I think i'd just let rip at her honestly - nobody's going to blame you for it.
For future, stop lending her money. Tell her she can budget - like you do - or go without (or ask some other mug).

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 08/05/2019 00:33

OP, this isn't a friend.

Come on - you need to value yourself higher than this. Get rid of her forever.

TheMaddHugger · 08/05/2019 01:08

Februaryblooms Ohh my ((((Massive Soft Madd Hugs))) I hope every day you feel and see an improvement in mind body and spirit and Health. You and Your LO💐🌺🌼🌺💐

Ignore the Leach.

EKGEMS · 08/05/2019 01:14

Hocus-pocus Docusdiplo I hope you disappear and stop making idiotic posts

EKGEMS · 08/05/2019 01:21

OP I'm so sorry you've been through hell and back and I'm glad you and baby are doing better. Your friend should have her membership to the human race revoked

Justaboy · 08/05/2019 01:22

Perhaps Feb you ought to text her back and say;

Sorry but i myself are a bit skint now any chance you couldl lend us a Ton or two;!.

Be intresting eh;?

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