Views on very young parents!

[Halfmyage]

NC as will be outing to my friends and family mumsnetters.

So some background... i had my son very young at 14! I have done the best I can, with no intervention from social services or anything. As a result I did leave school at 14 with no qualifications. So i dont have the best of jobs, but hey, i work, and have done since I was 16. I privately rented from 18, and have done since. My son has always had everything that he needed. And has been loved and cared for. He is now a very bright, loving, funny and popular 14 year old. I met my husband when he was 2, and we have been together since.

So as with many other teens, it was very easy to fall pregnant, I had only had sex once, and did not even think about pregnancy, as it was only once, I didn't believe it could happen. Yes very stupid and naive. But what all my friends assumed too.

Anyway, you can imagine all the comments I have had through the years, sooo many. And it is still happening. This weekend I took my son and his friend to a shopping centre, they went of to the cinema while i shopped. We met up to get something to eat, two ladys sat next to us commented quite loudly as they got up to leave, that i should be ashamed of my self, hanging around with young boys at my age, I stopped them and told them i was actually one of the boys mums, and was told that I should be even more ashamed then, and with that they walked off. Now this obviously embarrassed my son, especially in front of his friend. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go out together any more.

So aibu thinking people should mind their own damn business. So I was young, but iv bought him up well, and there was nothing to say that I hadn't, or anything to be ashamed of at that moment for the ladys to comment on! Basically making assumptions. This is constant. There is always a comment or face pull when people realise hes my son.

Anyone else experienced this, or had comments about young mums?

It's a shame you son feels like this. In situations like that I would have handy come backs like you should be ashamed of yourselves for judging me and I personally would add a fuck off on the end lol.

You've done a great job raising your son from such a young age don't doubt your a great mum.

What horrible women. How dare they? Who the hell do they think they are? Judgemental officious biddies.

It's a shame your son feels that way, but I can also understand why he feels that way. However, you are not a Mum to be ashamed of, but one to be very proud of, the way you have managed your life, and the excellent job you have done, raising and providing for your son the way you have. He needs to have that pointed out to him - that, and you stick up for family. Especially your Mum.

My niece got pregnant at 14. (We were pregnant at the same time. I was 30. It was most odd, lol). She's a hell of a lot better mother than her mother was, and under very trying circumstances too. Age don't necessarily mean a thing when it comes to parenting.

Urgh. So depressing. Young mums are basically the reason for all of society's ills, according to the right wing press. Plus governments also find it convenient to have a scapegoat to turn the attention away from their inadequate policies.

There's nothing wrong with having kids when you're young. However, you're more likely to struggle financially and social deprivation makes things harder. If right wingers were serious about helping alleviate problems faced by young parents they'd advocate policies that reduce inequality instead of just moaning.

Immigrants are the current scourge du jour responsible for everything that's wrong in society so hopefully the pressure is off young mums for a few years....

Most people won’t assume that!

I’d probably assume that you were one of the boys older sister.

Many children are cared for by a nanny/ au pair who is young- people don’t automatically assume that it is a teenage mum!

How old were the ladies that commented? They could be old and getting a bit senile.

Do you live in a very posh area where there are no young mums?

If it helps, people are sometimes also rude to older mums (assuming that they are the gran, that they are too old to be capable of over 40), and disabled mums as well. So unless you are completely perfect (no one is) people could be rude to you for something.

I agree with @mbosnz your son needs telling very plainly that he has a Mum to be proud of and that anybody who thinks otherwise is not worth a second of thought. I think there are actually many of us who had children v young but who got on with life and parented and worked as well as anybody twice our age..though I have never had such awful comments as that when out with mine and I’m sorry you and he had to deal with that. But by letting them get to him he is perpetuating the myth that we have done something shameful and we haven’t!! ‘The people who matter don’t mind and the people who mind don’t matter’.

It obviously wasn't ideal circumstances but you've clearly done a great job and it's no one else's business.

Sadly, many 14 year-olds start distancing themselves from their parents and those horrible women have given him a good excuse.

Leave it a while till it's a memory and I'm sure he'll go out with you again and if it does happen again, point out that at least you've taught your son some manners which is more than their parents did!

Ignore those old women, they were being ridiculous! Ok maybe you wouldn’t guess you were a Mother to a 14 year old but quite why they jumped to the conclusion you had something to be ashamed of by being with them rather than thinking you were a sister says a hell of a lot more about them than it does you!

Unfortunately people are always going to judge. It doesn’t make it right or fair but that’s how it will be and I think you and your son just need a thick skin and to understand that people who make these kinds of snap judgements really aren’t the kind of people you chose to surround yourself with or value the opinion of.

As far as your son not wanting to go out with you anymore; it’s a shame that something like this has triggered that response but I wouldn’t spend too much time focussing on it - he’s 14, isn’t that around the age most kids stop wanting to be seen with their parents purely because at that age it’s embarrassing? And I mean that as a reflection of young teenagers, NOT Young parents!

You sound like you’ve done brilliantly and have lots to be proud of so try to ignore the ignorant people you’ll inevitably meet in life.

I think the general response from me would have been "do fuck off, dears". They're not representative of the general public as a whole.

My daughter will be 14 this summer. The thought of her being a mother this time next year fills me with absolute horror.

You just encountered a pair of nasty nasty bitches. You should probably teach your son that nobody has the right to judge others like that and that those women are the problem, not you.

Aside from that, you could say to future cunts thanks I’ll take it as a compliment, I’m 40.

There's nothing wrong with having kids when you're young.

There is EVERYTHING wrong with 14 year old children having babies. That's not to say the OP hasn't done a good job - I'm sure she did the best she could in a very bad situation. But she says herself she has no post-14 education. Is there really "nothing wrong" with that?

I have a friend from another country where people marry as young teens. She had her first at 14 and is now a widow in her twenties. She is such an amazing patient mother with such lovely children bringing them up with such care. I had mine late thirties and can only admire her and her friends who had babies so young for coping .

I had my second child at 38. I can remember chasing after a wilful toddler at the wrong side of 40. It was bloody exhausting. Round about that time I made a realisation. It’s a young persons game. Whilst maybe your situation wasn’t ideal, younger women having been having babies for millennia. I’d have told her to F off. In no uncertain terms.

Sorry , I was replying to the title and not your OP.
What horrible women , I can’t believe they would speak to a stranger like that . Such people aren’t worth bothering about . Talk to your son about their rudeness. He had no reason to feel ashamed .

Who the fuck does that?? I know people have their prejudices but any normal person would just quietly think something to themselves... It takes quite a massive twat to actually tell a random stranger that they should be ashamed of themselves. And what the fuck do they want you to do about it now? Are they expecting you to say "you're right, I'm sorry, I did have him too young. I'll just pop into my time machine and go back and not have sex that night. Thank you for opening my eyes to mistake". It's utterly pointless complaining to someone about a thing that happened 14 years ago that no one could change anyway. Not that you'd want to of course.

It doesn't matter what people think of young parents. It is none of their business. I don't judge young parents but I absolutely do judge stupid middle aged women who go around telling strangers that they should be ashamed of themselves. What a pair of twats. I hope they both missed their bus and got stuck waiting in the rain.

I'm sorry you came across such nastiness. TBH I would think that a girl getting pregnant at 14 had been let down by all the adults around them. I would not judge the girl herself.

It sounds like you have done a great job and given your son stability that is well beyond the experience of many who have their children in their 20s, 30s and 40s.

Those women sound like they have their own issues to deal with.

Agree having a child at 14 is in no way ideal but making nasty comments to a young girl for getting pregnant is despicable. I used to mind the children of the local piano teacher when I was 14/15 and the number of people who made snidey and unpleasant comments to me, thinking they were mine, was horrific. Generally women too.

OP they were very rude (and ignorant). YANBU to think they should stfu. It's a pity your ds was embarrassed but it is a lot about his age. My sons dont like being seen w me because of my age (too old), and because I might talk to them, or their friends, or someone. He'll get over it (in a few years).

I disagree with there being nothing wrong with having kids very young. Children having children is not a good thing. As a child you don't have the life experience and are not mentally prepared for everything that comes a long with a baby. Not to say young people can't be good parents, they can but it's far from ideal.

I'm sure she did the best she could in a very bad situation. But she says herself she has no post-14 education. Is there really "nothing wrong" with that?

If we are talking about a hypothetical 14 yo who is not pregnant then, sure, of course we don't aspire for that to be her future.

But if we're talking about the op, unless your judgement conjures up a time machine what does it achieve? Other than to inflict pain.

I had my son young too.
We did get some looks and comments when he was a small child, in toddler groups etc.
Now people tend to think I’m his sister or a girlfriend I take it as a compliment.

Absolutely unbelievable that anyone would be so rude and judgmental to a total stranger.

Nice crop of ageist posts on here as per!

Blimey, where do you live that complete strangers would make a comment about you like that out of the blue?

Indeed, there's no point 14 years down the line making sneery comments at the OP. It's unnecessary and rude.

But let's not go down the road of "there's nothing wrong with 14 year olds having babies".