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AIBU?

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Original poster

Views on very young parents!

144 replies

Halfmyage · 07/05/2019 11:41

NC as will be outing to my friends and family mumsnetters.

So some background... i had my son very young at 14! I have done the best I can, with no intervention from social services or anything. As a result I did leave school at 14 with no qualifications. So i dont have the best of jobs, but hey, i work, and have done since I was 16. I privately rented from 18, and have done since. My son has always had everything that he needed. And has been loved and cared for. He is now a very bright, loving, funny and popular 14 year old. I met my husband when he was 2, and we have been together since.

So as with many other teens, it was very easy to fall pregnant, I had only had sex once, and did not even think about pregnancy, as it was only once, I didn't believe it could happen. Yes very stupid and naive. But what all my friends assumed too.

Anyway, you can imagine all the comments I have had through the years, sooo many. And it is still happening. This weekend I took my son and his friend to a shopping centre, they went of to the cinema while i shopped. We met up to get something to eat, two ladys sat next to us commented quite loudly as they got up to leave, that i should be ashamed of my self, hanging around with young boys at my age, I stopped them and told them i was actually one of the boys mums, and was told that I should be even more ashamed then, and with that they walked off. Now this obviously embarrassed my son, especially in front of his friend. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go out together any more.

So aibu thinking people should mind their own damn business. So I was young, but iv bought him up well, and there was nothing to say that I hadn't, or anything to be ashamed of at that moment for the ladys to comment on! Basically making assumptions. This is constant. There is always a comment or face pull when people realise hes my son.

Anyone else experienced this, or had comments about young mums?

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 07/05/2019 12:52

The poster opticaldelusion on the previous page said that there's nothing wrong with having children young.

Right? OP has already had her son and we’re all hopefully adults here. Nobody has confessed to being a teen.

So pointing out the downfalls of teen pregnancies isn’t going to educate anyone. All it’s going to do is make young parents feel shit, or attempt to. So, what’s the point of your post?

M00rhenRunning · 07/05/2019 12:55

People sometimes make comments about all sorts of things like physical appearance, what people do, say, wear etc
The key is how you & your react

Someone said something recently to me about a relative & I laughed & said can you see the family resembence (not related to being a young mum)

People make all sorts of assumptions

I know someone who sometimes walks like they are drunk, but they have a life long illness

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 12:55

Ha ha yes I was 30 and some prick at work asked me if it was happy news. Did he expect me to say, "No its a bloody disaster but I'm giving you the heads up because I'm having a day off next week to get rid?"

M00rhenRunning · 07/05/2019 12:56

How you and your son react/reaction

bibbitybobbityyhat · 07/05/2019 12:56

The op has not described the age of these women who took it upon themselves to comment loudly in such an odd way. But look at the casual AGEISM and SEXISM on this thread. Just disgusting.

"judgemental officious biddies"

"they could be old and getting a bit senile"

"ignore those old women"

"sick nasty judgement (sic) hags"

"What a pair of old cows"

"If it's any consolation OP old ladies (not all of them, granted) are the absolute worst for judging mothers"

"If stupid middle aged women who go around telling strangers that they should be ashamed of themselves. What a pair of twats. I hope they both missed their bus and got stuck waiting in the rain."

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 12:58

ooh the irony.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 07/05/2019 12:59

Blimey, where do you live that complete strangers would make a comment about you like that out of the blue?

I think it is clear to see, that even on this thread there are a number of women who think it is 'horrific' and would have no problem sharing their opinion with a young woman.
People like that have no idea - I grew up in a small town and while not all followed that path there were a few young mums - most people got on with helping them - we all pitched in and helped our young friends raise their kids. My godson is all grown up now and I'm proud of how we raised those kids.

It's all a type of slut shaming really - how dare you be sexual? How dare you make a descion to keep and raise a child when you have found yourself pregnant? DO they have no idea of the momentous decision that is - not to mention the lack of medical support and social support extended to young women in this circumstance?

OP - the truth is there might be challenges as your son adjusts to understanding your story - but believe me when I say that once he understands the sacrifices and challenges you overcame, he will be ever more in awe of you. Many (all?) teenagers are uncomfortable with their parents whatever their thing is - too old, too young, too dowdy, too 'cool'. You just keep communicating clearly and openly and share age-appropriate stories of your life and this will work itself out. He'll come around.
And next time just give those bitches the most withering put down you can summon.

Lweji · 07/05/2019 12:59

Now this obviously embarrassed my son, especially in front of his friend. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go out together any more.

He's 14, so he will be embarrassed by his parents regardless. Wink

The two women were arseholes because it's none of their business who hangs out with whom.

If it ever happens again, don't explain yourself, just tell them they should be embarrassed of passing comment on strangers.

But have a chat with your boy, and tell him that whatever you do or are, people will have an opinion. Neither he nor you should be ashamed of who you are or who you are with.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 07/05/2019 13:00

ooh the irony.

indeed.

NoBaggyPants · 07/05/2019 13:00

Are you in the UK OP? You couldn't leave school at 14, even fourteen years ago.

hewontstopshitting · 07/05/2019 13:01

I had DS1 at 16, and DS2 at 19. I’ve had a lot of judgement from extended family and some aunts and uncles have decided they don’t want anything to do with me. But me and DH have been married for almost 2 years now, we have just bought a lovely home and our DC don’t want for anything. I wouldn’t recommend having DC as young as I did, but I wouldn’t change my life for anything

HomeMadeMadness · 07/05/2019 13:02

Those women are awful and probably a bit thick too. Even if I gave a shiny shit about the age of random strangers I'm surprised people think they can judge anyone's ages so accurately. What if DS and his friends had actually been 12 and you had actually been 35?

discusstin · 07/05/2019 13:06

It's so sad when a comment from a horrible stranger affects everything like this. I had a baby when my son was 9 years old. He was proudly pushing the pram in town when a complete stranger had a go at him for 'boys playing with dolls'. He never pushed the pram again, even though there's nothing wrong with boys playing with dolls, it was a real baby not even a doll in the first place and he was so happy before the comment.

SnowsInWater · 07/05/2019 13:07

I can't believe people can be so rude, everyone is entitled to their opinion but saying things like that to anyone out loud is disgusting.

I do think you need to have a conversation with your son about what happened, it sounds like you have a great relationship. As someone with older teens I think the most important thing as they grow up is to just keep talking about stuff.

ohwellstartagain · 07/05/2019 13:10

My view is I admire you.

And on the plus side, when your son is grown up you will still be young enough to forge a whole new career for yourself, if you wanted to.

letsgohooray · 07/05/2019 13:12

They should be ashamed of themselves for being so damn rude.

Teddybear45 · 07/05/2019 13:13

I have friends who had babies at 12-14. While I agree you shouldn’t be ashamed of it, it’s not something to shout from the rooftops about either. Far too many of my friends were so vocal about it, so positive, that their kids have nearly all followed them (only one friend hasn’t and that’s because she married into a really wealthy family when her son was 3), so a lot of them became grandparents before they turned 30. Which I felt was really, really sad - I never said anything directly as they were friends, but I did feel they could have done more to support their kids into education etc.

haloumi · 07/05/2019 13:18

"life is what happens while your making plans" .

NATURE .. Dictates that it's possible for a 14year old to have children.

Whilst 14 could be considered "not ideal" for many reasons, the other extreme is much worse.. I had my son at the age of 47. His mum was 38 …. I wish I'd had him AT LEAST 25 years sooner! If I knew then what I know now.

I reckon your relationship with your son will turn out to be an awesome one.... so FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

MRex · 07/05/2019 13:21

I find it strange that you didn't go back to school OP, unless you aren't in the UK? Legally you would have had to complete your education. Perhaps you mean that you didn't do very well? I wouldn't worry too much about your son pulling away a bit, that's normal at 14.

If someone is rude about your parenting are any age, then it's reasonable to let them know "I'm raising my child not to be rude to strangers, you should criticise your own mother instead of me."

Within reason I don't think someone's age is usually obvious enough for strangers to comment; how could they know you're 28 and not 34 having had a baby at 20. If it really happens often and you don't fancy putting them straight, you could also say "Oh how flattering, do you really think I look that young? Wow, thanks!!!". You could get your son to also think of one-liners ready to brush off unwanted comments e.g. "See mum, I told you that dress makes you look younger!".

Mitzicoco · 07/05/2019 13:22

discusstin
So sorry that happened to your son. How mean of them.

mbosnz · 07/05/2019 13:23

judgemental officious biddies

Nothing about age in there - unless you are inferring 'old' from biddies? Because if you are - that is in your perception. I am in no way meaning to imply it. In fact, I quite deliberately did not use 'old' because there is no reason to assume from OP's post that they were in fact old.

PopcornZoo · 07/05/2019 13:25

MRex she could have been home educated.

BertrandRussell · 07/05/2019 13:25

How kind of you not to type the silent “old” before “biddies”! Grin

cakecakecheese · 07/05/2019 13:27

Are you in the UK OP? You couldn't leave school at 14, even fourteen years ago

Maybe not 'officially' but it would be difficult for them to finish education. I had friends I was at school with get pregnant at 14 and 15 and none of them returned to school.

drspouse · 07/05/2019 13:27

Tell your DS to tell ignorant people that you're actually a very well preserved 50.
I think my views are concern for you (you had to go through that at a young age, at the very least you son's father was also vulnerable) and to some extent for your son (though more when such children are younger and when their mums have little support).
You were, in fact, a child and not an adult who made a bad decision. They are not worth considering.