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AIBU?

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Original poster

Views on very young parents!

144 replies

Halfmyage · 07/05/2019 11:41

NC as will be outing to my friends and family mumsnetters.

So some background... i had my son very young at 14! I have done the best I can, with no intervention from social services or anything. As a result I did leave school at 14 with no qualifications. So i dont have the best of jobs, but hey, i work, and have done since I was 16. I privately rented from 18, and have done since. My son has always had everything that he needed. And has been loved and cared for. He is now a very bright, loving, funny and popular 14 year old. I met my husband when he was 2, and we have been together since.

So as with many other teens, it was very easy to fall pregnant, I had only had sex once, and did not even think about pregnancy, as it was only once, I didn't believe it could happen. Yes very stupid and naive. But what all my friends assumed too.

Anyway, you can imagine all the comments I have had through the years, sooo many. And it is still happening. This weekend I took my son and his friend to a shopping centre, they went of to the cinema while i shopped. We met up to get something to eat, two ladys sat next to us commented quite loudly as they got up to leave, that i should be ashamed of my self, hanging around with young boys at my age, I stopped them and told them i was actually one of the boys mums, and was told that I should be even more ashamed then, and with that they walked off. Now this obviously embarrassed my son, especially in front of his friend. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go out together any more.

So aibu thinking people should mind their own damn business. So I was young, but iv bought him up well, and there was nothing to say that I hadn't, or anything to be ashamed of at that moment for the ladys to comment on! Basically making assumptions. This is constant. There is always a comment or face pull when people realise hes my son.

Anyone else experienced this, or had comments about young mums?

OP posts:
howabout · 07/05/2019 12:32

Firstly very few 14 year old boys or girls want to go anywhere with their Mum no matter what age she is.

Secondly you are right in thinking some people are very judgey. My youngest is 10 years younger than her siblings - they often get mistaken for gymslip Mums when they take her places. It's no more pleasant for me being assumed to be the Grannie though. Sad

Thirdly I am in my 50s and DD3 is 7. I have playground Mum friends ranging from 21 to my age to 60ish doing childcare for grandchildren. Makes little difference to me and as far as DD3 and for that matter DD1 and 2 are concerned anyone over 18 (or younger if they are a mother) might as well be 100.

Rightoutofhere · 07/05/2019 12:35

I was pregnant at 18. It was far from ideal and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. But I am a good mum and my child hasn’t missed out on anything.
A fourteen-year-old getting pregnant is sad in many ways but completely backwards and wrong to judge the girl herself for becoming pregnant. I cannot stand that attitude and I’m sorry you’ve faced it OP. Don’t let it get to you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 12:36

People can be vile OP but it says more about what's going on in their head than yours. Maybe have a word with DS about there being no shame in you having him. It was just a mistake but one you are really glad happened.

But don't take it personally about him not wanting to go out with you; you could equally be too old, too fat, too hot, too eccentric or too boring. Teens are funny buggers.

DH once took DD1 (a older looking 12 year old) and baby DS2 to a church event. He was a slightly raddled looking 42 year old at the time. Two separate people though he was her partner and it was their joint baby. What must go on in some people's head?

IvanaPee · 07/05/2019 12:37

If he wasn’t embarrassed by your age, he’d be embarrassed by something else. He’s 14!

I constantly have to remind my kids how cool I am cause they’re just so forgetful of the fact. Wink

If it’s any consolation, my mum had my younger sister at 42 and she was mortified that she had an old mother.

She outgrew it and they’re incredibly close.

TacoLover · 07/05/2019 12:38

But if we're talking about the op, unless your judgement conjures up a time machine what does it achieve? Other than to inflict pain.

So do you think there's nothing wrong with the statement "theres nothing wrong with having babies young" then?? Higher likelihood of having children young yourself, less chances of getting a good job, having an education. Nothing wrong with that at allHmm

Mammylamb · 07/05/2019 12:38

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IvanaPee · 07/05/2019 12:39

So do you think there's nothing wrong with the statement "theres nothing wrong with having babies young" then?? Higher likelihood of having children young yourself, less chances of getting a good job, having an education. Nothing wrong with that at all

Who on this thread needs that ^^ pointed out?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/05/2019 12:39

People are so judgmental.

I studied childcare immediately out of school, so I was around 17. I was placed with a family who had a two year old son and a two month old baby girl. One day the Mum really needed a break so I took them out for her to give her a couple of hours nap, we were walking around happily in the park and two women came up to me saying I should be ashamed having two children so young.

They'd completely missed the uniform I was wearing which saying the college name and childcare underneath however they had no right to say that to anyone. Even though they weren't my children it did make me a little self conscious when I went out with them after that.

Asta19 · 07/05/2019 12:41

A relative of mine got his gf pregnant when they were both 14. They married at 18, and both have always worked. They bought land and built their own house. They are now in their 50s and still together and now their daughter is married with children of her own.

I had my DS at 18 and we've been on holiday together since he became on adult. We were at a party once and someone did ask if we were "together". They looked relieved when I said he was my son! So it is likely that other people sometimes think it too but my DS doesn't care. 14 yr olds are embarrassed by their parents full stop! As he gets older he won't care so much.

DonkeyHohtay · 07/05/2019 12:42

And why is everyone assuming that these two women who made comments are "old"? Because there is nothing to indicate that in the OP.

theycallmebabydriver · 07/05/2019 12:42

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 12:42

Oh and DS2 has had people tease him that they thought DH was his Grandad. I pointed out that Grandad DH does triathlons is fit and slim and is always taking him on activities and generally spending time and being a good dad, as opposed to teasing boy's unhealthy looking young dad who couldn't seem to remove his eyes from his phone.

TacoLover · 07/05/2019 12:43

Who on this thread needs that ^^ pointed out?

The poster opticaldelusion on the previous page said that there's nothing wrong with having children young.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 12:44

She hasn't said they were old though.

Greenyogagirl · 07/05/2019 12:44

I know someone who had her first at 14, has been with the dad and had 3 more kids over the last 15 years. She’s a bloody amazing mother. I know women in their 30s who are awful parents so people definitely shouldn’t judge.
I had my son at 21 so not that young but I do look younger and got comments such as ‘you should be ashamed of yourself’ when I was married and in my twenties! Now he’s older I get mistaken for his sister and when I say I’m his mother people say ‘oh you must have been so young!’ No I’m in my thirties thanks! Argh annoys me just thinking about it!

Hoppinggreen · 07/05/2019 12:46

My dd is 14 and the thought of her having a baby is horrific and in an ideal world you wouldn’t have had one either OP, you would have enjoyed your teenage years and had children in your 20s or older
BUT i don’t judge you for it or think you are a bad mother (or bad person at all) and I certainly wouldn’t have been rude to you like that, there’s just no need for it

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 07/05/2019 12:46

I've had this when out with my DSC OP where randoms have assumed I am their mum. I'm actually 3 years older than their mum as well (she had her first as 16) not really why people feel the urge to comment, what good do they think they will gain from it?

Funny isn't it because a generation ago, my mum was married at 16, had her first at 17 and that was totally fine...not sure what's changed.

percheron67 · 07/05/2019 12:47

Nineinabed - if the gossiping people already have a jaundiced opinion how on earth do you think that telling them to "fuck off" would help! More likely, in their eyes, to confirm what they thought.

Genevieva · 07/05/2019 12:48

You are a very impressive woman. You can hold your head up high and feel proud. The people who are rude should feel ashamed.

How to deal with it though? I think a quip like "I am blessed with a kind and intelligent son, a loving husband, a career I work hard in and a youthful complexion. I am not ashamed of any of it, but you should be ashamed of your unpleasant judgment of others."

Chartreuser · 07/05/2019 12:48

Funny, there is 14 years between dbro and dsis and so when my mum used to go out with both of them people often thought he was her dad (and were confused about my mum maybe thinking she was gran or mum!).

I am so sad for you both that they spoke to you like that, just no need. Could your son be don't that to try and protect you?

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 07/05/2019 12:49

@Asta19 my DH took my DSS (16) to a gig last year. They got chatting to a couple in the que and these folk asked them how long they had been together Confused not sure who was more embarrassed, DH, DSD or the couple!

Itsnotmesothere · 07/05/2019 12:50

I think a lot of people think they have free rein to openly judge mothers and not just very young ones. Though I won't be disingenuous and pretend young ones aren't judged more. I was 25 and married when I had DS and ffs I got some comments about being young and was asked very rudely by a male colleague. "Is this happy news?"

Older more educated parents are probably more likely to be able to take care of material needs more easily but being older doesn't mean you'll be good at taking care of the emotional needs of the child.

Rightoutofhere · 07/05/2019 12:52

My first instinct with a 14-year-old mother would be feeling sad for her and wanting to protect her. Also wondering how the situation had even happened- who and where is the father? It’s always mum left pushing the pram and dealing with the life-changing responsibility whilst also facing all the judgement and unkindness.

BertrandRussell · 07/05/2019 12:52

Are you absolutely sure they said all these things, and you’re not just reacting to expressions and so on which may be about something completely different? Because it seems almost unbelievable that people would actually say this out loud!

14 year olds often don’t want to go out with their mums, by the way- for any or no reason- he’ll grow out of it. I promise, they all do!

Oh and (this is not to the OP) fuck off with the ageism, unnamed pps.

Mitzicoco · 07/05/2019 12:52

I have been at the end of this kind of judgmental rudeness too. It sucks shit. I had a lump in my breast when I was 17. I have always looked young for my age so must have looked about 14. I was waiting to have an ultrasound on it to see if it was a cyst or something worse and two women sitting opposite me who were there for pregnancy scans started talking very loudly about how society was being ruined by silly girls who were so stupid to get pregnant at such a young age. I should have told them to bog off and that I was there to have a lump checked but I was too shy and upset.People can be horrible. Luckily there are more nice people in the world than horrible ones! Hats off to you for being such an obviously great mum OP!