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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Views on very young parents!

144 replies

Halfmyage · 07/05/2019 11:41

NC as will be outing to my friends and family mumsnetters.

So some background... i had my son very young at 14! I have done the best I can, with no intervention from social services or anything. As a result I did leave school at 14 with no qualifications. So i dont have the best of jobs, but hey, i work, and have done since I was 16. I privately rented from 18, and have done since. My son has always had everything that he needed. And has been loved and cared for. He is now a very bright, loving, funny and popular 14 year old. I met my husband when he was 2, and we have been together since.

So as with many other teens, it was very easy to fall pregnant, I had only had sex once, and did not even think about pregnancy, as it was only once, I didn't believe it could happen. Yes very stupid and naive. But what all my friends assumed too.

Anyway, you can imagine all the comments I have had through the years, sooo many. And it is still happening. This weekend I took my son and his friend to a shopping centre, they went of to the cinema while i shopped. We met up to get something to eat, two ladys sat next to us commented quite loudly as they got up to leave, that i should be ashamed of my self, hanging around with young boys at my age, I stopped them and told them i was actually one of the boys mums, and was told that I should be even more ashamed then, and with that they walked off. Now this obviously embarrassed my son, especially in front of his friend. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go out together any more.

So aibu thinking people should mind their own damn business. So I was young, but iv bought him up well, and there was nothing to say that I hadn't, or anything to be ashamed of at that moment for the ladys to comment on! Basically making assumptions. This is constant. There is always a comment or face pull when people realise hes my son.

Anyone else experienced this, or had comments about young mums?

OP posts:

Happyspud · 07/05/2019 16:35

I’d be devastated for any of my children to have a child under 18, and pretty unhappy till an well older age than that. But I would do everything in my power to help them and once it happened I’d absolutely have their back. (Just please please please let it not ever happen!!!!)

When I hear of very young mums I feel very upset to think of them going through what we all go through having kids. It’s hard, and serious, and incapacitating whatever age you are. I don’t want that for any young girl. Life is controlled enough for women and the nail in the coffin (albeit one of the most wonderful nails that exist) is becoming a mother.

I would never ever sneer at or be negative to any mum just because they were young. Many of them have stepped up and done a bloody good job of it in exceptionally difficult circumstances and should be very proud of themselves.

SemperIdem · 07/05/2019 17:40

dreich

A selective termination, where one would be terminated and the other not, potentially.

SignedUpJust4This · 07/05/2019 17:42

In my work I have seen many young people become parents far too soon. Many of them rise to the challenge though and make fantastic parents. They are forced to grow up too soon though.

outvoid · 07/05/2019 17:43

It’s not ideal and I would be deeply upset if either of my DD’s came home pregnant at that age but you have done the best you could given the situation and should be proud. The women definitely had no right to comment, they sound bitter and twisted tbh. Try not to let it get to you.

BogglesGoggles · 07/05/2019 17:46

I had my first child fairly young (not as young as you) but I do look very very young sometimes. That said I have a particular involuntary posh twat voice (like the queen as opposed to a normal person, I’m not an inverse snob) that comes out when I am annoyed. People who dare to say anything shut right up when they hear me speak. Just put them in their place next time. You don’t have to rude about it. The one thing I do like about the British is the doglike obedience they have to the ‘posh’.

FatandSassy · 07/05/2019 17:47

I think I would talk to him about it and see. I don't know.
FWIW, I had my oldest at 17 and he's 19 now and loves having the youngest mum out of all his friends!

GreenTulips · 07/05/2019 17:51

Well I have this conversation with my 16 year old - one friend so expecting

I told her if you look through history there are loads of teen mums (Mary anyone? Was supposed to be 13) look at all the young Kings and Queens! Some weren’t 10! Yet we survived.

Yes younger girls (not boys) miss oppoirtitues but they are still there when the baby gets bigger.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/05/2019 17:59

I'd be devasted if mine had them under twenty one. I want them to finish education, travel, settle into a career and be in a stable long term relationship first, preferably married.

At fourteen, a person can't support a child financially. Outcomes for education are affected. The chances of the relationship lasting or there even being one to start with are not good. They are still a child themselves.

tor8181 · 07/05/2019 18:03

i get comments when im with my oldest son and i wasnt even a young mother

i had my 14 y old(15 in sept)at a few months off 24 ,im 38 now i also have a 8 y old

but people think im early-middle 30s and him being 6ft 1 and needs to shave already(started puberty at 11)people think hes 18/19

im not small at 5ft 10 so its not as im a little 5ft girl that looks young

i get oh did you have him young then? and when i say no 23 im (soso)age i get oh you dont look it i thought you were years younger, it hen get how great i look for my age

i had one conversation with a woman 50s-ish in the cinema toilets a few months ago

i was washing my hands and it went oh good on you love bagging a younger man hes very handsome

she soon shut up when i said hes my 14 y old son ive just turned 38,she spluttered a apology and soon scarpered

its funny now i look younger than my years as when i was a teenager(started at 12)i was getting in to nightclubs as i looked(developed very early)18+ i never drank so it was just getting past the doorman in those days

Rarfy · 07/05/2019 18:20

Having just had my first at 34 and dealing with all things baby I would feel sympathy and compassion for someone so young having to take on all that responsibility. Also think what a strong person they must be to get through all of that.

Whathappendtomonday · 07/05/2019 18:20

I had my DD at 15 pregnant at 14 op, I am still with the dad married with 3 more dc I have had comments, lots of comments! It’s disgusting really. Like you I have done a very good job (I think) never had ss involved she had everything she needed. Not all teenage pregnancies end well and I don’t want my DD to go through what I have but people need to realise some teenage mums can have successful lives just like any other parent!

nakedscientist · 07/05/2019 18:51

Society just judges women constantly when it comes to kids, too young, too old, too many, only child or not having any, someone’s always got something to say. You need to learn not to give a fuck and teach your son the same

I agree with tis too. Also, career woman, SAHP, divorced, single parent, kept woman. Helicopter, lazy,Pushover, pushy, ,

To be honest OP, you can't get it right in the eyes of some, so ignore them.

whiteroseredrose · 07/05/2019 19:35

I don't know if anyone has already said this but I haven't spotted it.

If your DS is 14 he'll have worked out that you were sexually active at the age he is now. My DS and DD would have been mortified at the thought of that. They don't like the idea of parents having sex full stop!

MNHQ

JoMumsnet · 07/05/2019 19:49

Just stopping by to say that we've deleted a number of posts from this thread - we're trying to stamp out casual ageism (not to mention blatant ageism) as per our Talk Guidelines.

Please report any other posts which you'd like us to look at.

Many thanks.

SisyphusHadItEasy · 07/05/2019 19:58

I had the opposite experience, where it was assumed that my sister was my daughter (there is 16 years between us). When I mentioned that she was my sister, then they started on about how old she must be to send me out with the child instead of taking her on her own.

It just goes to show that there will always be someone who will engage their mouth before their brain has a chance to warn them that their unsolicited opinion is not required.

Hotdogsfloatinginthebath · 09/05/2019 19:48

My mum is a young mum and I am very proud of her actually :-) (I actually was even more proud at school as I knew she was the youngest prettiest mum which is very shallow of me!) she's soon to be a GP and it's great that we have such a close relationship that I can pick up the phone and chat with her as a mum and a friend :-)

BettyJune07 · 10/05/2019 21:50

Congratulations on your gorgeous life OP you've done amazing, ignore them it's what I do! I had twins when I had just turned 17, they're 8 now and I'm 25. Married to their dad who I've been with since I was 15! I've never really had any rude comments from strangers but lots of funny looks and stares when I was very young with a double pram. Their school has always been very supportive too and for people saying their education prospects will be lower due to having a young mum all I can say is hahahaha, my kids are literally top of the class. I was due to train as a teacher and my husband is a very intelligent man we both come from good families and have given our girls the best life possible. I think your son is just at that age - hard not to get upset one of the girls wouldn't let me kiss her yesterday at school as she went in and my heart dropped haha! I've got so much respect for you, it's the best thing in the world being a mum but also hard when you're young yourself!xx

Lellikelly26 · 10/05/2019 22:20

I’m sorry OP that you had to suffer that ignorance. You sound like someone who just died their best all the time. Your son is lucky to have you. Those older women sound are small minded old fools

Lellikelly26 · 10/05/2019 22:20

*does

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